Remembering What It's Like
06-24-2010 Thursday
I had no idea that it's gonna rain so imagine my surprise when the rain poured while we were on the way to the office. Alex had to stop, and we ran for cover at the nearest establishment that has a roof. We ended up in a bakery store at a corner somewhere in Munoz.
"Just great.." I muttered under my breath as I took off my jacket that almost got wet.
"Good thing we left early.." he said, "It's only 8:30, hopefully this rain will stop sooner."
"Yeah." I looked around. The rain seemed to pour down harder. 'This is not looking good..' I thought. Then, I glanced at Alex, he looked thoughtful while observing the people around us, his arms folded in front of his chest.
I remembered something while looking at him. A year before, probably around the same time as today, this is exactly how we were. He would pick me up in the house and take me to the office with our motorcycle (at that time, it was the Honda Alpha). When it would rain, we would stop before we got wet, wait for the rain to stop then continue speeding away.
Based on the occasional rain we're experiencing, I'm guessing that summer has officially ended. Well, I'm hoping that it has ended. I wanted to feel the cold weather again, like the year before when life was simpler.
June is ending. I've been in love with Alex for 1 year and 2 months now. I was thinking that when he looked at me, "What is it?" he asked.
I shook my head, told him it's nothing. Then, I went back to thinking. For the record, he's still the only guy that has lasted this long with me. He's still the only guy that I've loved this long. Most relationships last for years and years but for me, this is seriously breaking the record.
As the rain continued to pour, I remember more and more random things about me and Alex. The day I met him at 7-11, his boyish smile that told me 'Hey you you'll fall in love with me for sure', the trials we've been through (and still going through), and the changes that has happened to us both individually and as lovers. It makes me think, 'Did I grow up? Am I more mature now?' maybe a little, but I feel a huge change in me..something remarkable that I can't point it out specifically. Is it because of him? Because of the thing that's binding us now?
There's something in me that has changed dramatically. Something I can't really explain but it's just there. It's a good something. Whatever it is, I'm glad that at least I can look back at my relationship with Alex as a life-changing experience. I can be happy about it even if we don't end up being together in the long run. But of course, it would be better if it's a nice li'l happy ending.
As for some changes in Alex, I noticed that he has plans for the future. He talks to me about it. He's starting to get rid of some of his vices, like excessive spending on stuff for his motorcycle, or his drag racing stance. His friend has even mentioned that he no longer goes to this place in Macapagal where drag racings are always held. He appears to be changing to be a better person as well. I'm glad to see him in that healthy state of being. The sad thing is, it's not a guarantee that I'm gonna stay with him. Why? One word: Religion.
I was still lost in thoughts when he tugged me in the arm. "Let's go, the rain has stopped." he said, handing me back my helmet.
I love him. That's all I know for now. If this works out, then I'll be glad, if it doesn't, then I'm hoping I'll eventually learn how to deal with the pain.
Labels: alex, Anniversary, change, love, pink crimson, relationships
Believing?
06-23-2010 Wednesday
I was fuming mad and on the verge of tears on the way home. I was so sleepy I can barely keep my eyes open while walking, it was almost 7:30 when I reached the corner street where I would wait for a jeepney going Quiapo and getting a jeep is a bitch. It's rush hour, people going to their respective jobs and schools so that means, most jeeps are full. It took me almost 15 minutes to get a ride and I have to squeeze myself in to fit.
I kept on checking my cellphone, hoping to hear something from Alex. None. Just great, I shouldn't have expected. His ass is probably still snoring loudly. He ain't a morning person, and I know that's gonna be hard to change but it irritates me sometimes that he can't get himself to try to sleep early so he could get a better chance of waking up early to pick me up.
Traffic is a bitch. It's always taking me an hour before I reach the house and I was dead tired that all I wanna do is roll on the ground instead of walk.
When I reached the house, I noticed that the door was open and the light was on. That's weird, I thought Alex is still sleeping like he always do whenever I would get home. My eyebrows were crossed and I had my mouth curved upside down when I entered our room.
I found Alex sitting on the bed, looking guilty as he faced me. He has this boyish smile on his face and he scratched his head looking like a pre school boy that did not do his homework. I sat on the chair to take my shoes off. Then, I noticed something on the bed and all of a sudden, my anger has been washed out.
He has prepared me a nice breakfast which is a big surprise. Scrambled eggs, some hot pandesal and a steaming cup of chocolate drink. My stomach growled and I was suddenly hungry. He did not pick me up but he made up for it by preparing me breakfast? Unbelievable.
I finally smiled, wiped the sweat off my brows and began eating. We had breakfast together. I'm not used to him doing that for me, I've known him to be a lazyass in the morning and I'm sure this preparation is not something he's used to either. But, I'm glad he did exert an effort to make it up to me.
Will this mean I'll start believing that he's really starting to care for real? I think I better not. When I start to believe, I start to hope, I begin to wish impossible things and I might end up getting hurt again. I don't want to take that risk. I'd rather be on the safe side and deal with these things casually.
Ok, to be fair with him, I'm starting to see some changes as far as him being a responsible partner. Even though, most of the time, I have to remind him to do things, at least he does it. In regards to the future, on more than one occasion, he has even talked about it with me, which is also something new. I wanted to think that he's really seeing the future with me but I'm still not counting on it until we get to the hardest part--which is talks about religion. When he start talking to me about our religion differences, then that's probably the time that I'll really begin to believe in us being together for good. Until that time, I'll be holding on to my feelings.
This might work out. It may not. Whatever..I'm here to make the most out of this life that I've been given. Expect less. Keep the faith. Remain strong and steadfast. Wherever this road is gonna lead me, what mattered is that I enjoyed the ride.
Labels: alex, Blumentritt, living together, love, making it work, pink crimson, relationships
Gramma Day
06-21-2010 Monday
"Here we are." I announced dramatically as I held the door open to our room.
My gramma took a quick peek inside as she unslips her sandals off of her feet.
"Whatchu think?" I asked her, smiling my well practiced smile.
She went inside and sat on our double deck bed. I followed, still smiling.
I'm an actress in a role for this day. My gramma wanted to visit me in the house where I stay with Alex and since today is still my day off, I invited her over. I practiced every good thing I'm gonna say, the way I'm gonna smile, and the way I'm gonna act around her, for her not to notice any hint of loneliness in me. I want her to know that I'm doing well, and I'm happy to be here. That way, she doesn't have to worry much about me.
"There's no window?" I can't blame her if that's the first thing she noticed.
I shook my head,
"But I keep this door open so it wouldn't be so hot in here." I pushed the door to open wider,
"See?" my jaw is starting to hurt from my teeth baring smile.
She nodded thoughtfully.
"I see." her eyes scanned the room.
"This is small but at least you're getting by.""Course I am." I said but I really wanted to say,
'No, it's hard getting used to it, sometimes I feel confined and locked alone when Alex is not here.'"And it looks quiet here." she remarked.
"It sure is." then, I thought,
'except for those snotty brats from upstairs.'"How's everything in here?" she asked.
I couldn't look at her directly,
"Good. Everything's...Uhmm..okay." 'No it's not okay, I wanna go home so bad, I'm homesick and sad.'"Glad to hear that."I don't know if she really bought it, or if she just wanted me to see that she's believing me. Whatever it is, the unspoken words will remain hanging in the air. No need for me to say what I really feel. No need for her to worry.
Alex left for work so I spent the entire day with gramma. First, we went to the flea market. She taught me how to determine which is a fresh meat, which is not. Then, she taught me how to cook menudo. We had lunch together, and I treated her to Chowking for a halo-halo as our dessert.
At around 2:30, she said she has to go because she doesn't wanna be stuck in traffic when it's already late. I went to the jeepney stop with her. We bid goodbye, she kissed me on the cheek before hopping on the jeep that will take her home. She looked outside the window and waved at me, I waved back, trying my best to still smile.
I turned my back before the jeep went on it's way. If I looked at it too long, I might hop on the jeep with her, tell her to take me home so I can be with her and Damien.
When I got back in the room, I lie down in bed and cried. I thought about her coming home, with Damien greeting her happily. I thought about Damien probably would have a look in his eyes that would ask her where am I, why am I still not yet home. I thought about how good it feels to hug Damien whenever I'm coming home, to be at our house, to be taken care of, instead of doing things my own.
At least, my gramma knows that I'm doing okay. At least, she doesn't know how lonely and homesick I really am. At least, she doesn't need to worry too much about me. At least, she's somewhat relieved, to know that everything is fine.
In that case, then, all the burden is mine.
Labels: Blumentritt, Damien, day off, gramma, granddaughter, pink crimson
Revenge will be Born
6-19-2010 Saturday
I laughed when I heard the woman said what it is. I've been wishing for it, almost expecting it, and it did happen. If I wasn't lying down, I could've hugged the woman and did a somersault right there in the laboratory room. I looked at Alex, he was also smiling, unknowing. I laughed even more at that. If only he knew that what I have inside me will be the revenge I planned for him, then I doubt if he'll still be smiling that proud smile.
When we left the lab, he said we better eat out because we're both happy. I agreed. We dined at McD's, the best fast food I could afford. He looked excited now that he knows, and that's the way I like him to be.
Another surprise this weekend is that it happened to be our day off (a phenomena that rarely happens) so after eating out, we went home and just took the time to rest. He played Need for Speed on the computer while I lie in bed, holding the result of the lab test in my hand. I'm so happy I can't help but smile as I held it. He glanced at me occasionally and he would scratch his head.
While we're in the room, our neighbor called us for a meal with them. It's our neighbor's birthday and I'm thankful I didn't have to prepare food tonight. We headed to our neighbor's house. Good food is everywhere. There's spaghetti, nachos, chips, ice cream, pork liempo and of course, bottles of beers for them boys. Did I say celebration?! This is perfect timing for what I'm celebrating today. I smiled again.
For the record, I have smiled more than 3 times in a single day today. Move over, grumpy me, there's finally a reason to be happy about.
Labels: alex, food, happy, McDo, pink crimson, revenge, weekend
Perfect Mask
06-18-2010 Friday
Before my scheduled leave today, my last day at work didn't go well, it was so ugly that I would hate to remember it but of course, it will always be in the back of my mind as a reminder whenever I would put my mask on. Yep, when I get back to work next week, I plan to put a perfect mask on, the mask of a deserving employee, an employee with closed eyes and shut mouth who sees no evil, hears no evil and speaks no evil. How hard could it be? I could be an actress, I can fake it, no worries.
Sorry if I'm confusing y'all, but ok, I'll briefly explain myself though I don't expect to be understood. I'm a loudmouth at the office. Whenever I'm having a bad day with the bad calls coming in, I am very outspoken about it. I say what I feel and if I'm badmouthing the company, it is because it actually sucked and 'sucked' is too mild a term for all the other vulgar words I could think of for this account we can simply call Sprint. I'm not the only tenure agent who feels this way, I know that for a fact. The reality is,
OUR ACCOUNT SUCKED.Reasons why I'm staying?
1. I love the company of friends that I have in my team.
2. My manager is a good friend/sister/confidante.
3. NCO is a nice company to work for, it has become a parent that nurtured me for three years.
4. Ugh.. ????? I can't think of any other valid reason for staying. The salary? You kidding me? My basic pay can be doubled with another company. So it's really not for the money even though I seriously need it. It also mattered to me that I'm with the people I love working with.
As it turns out, my hate and bitterness for the account has been too obvious yesterday (and the other day, well I have two bad calling days what can I say?!) and my manager has become negative about it. She talked to us after our shift, though she has called the entire team, I know that it's mostly me she feels negative about. She said the usual thing a manager would say like,
'love your job, let's be positive about it, if you're gonna be badmouthing the company what does it say about me, it makes me look ineffective yada yada...' you know, the usual bullshit they get from I don't-know-who.
My manager is a wonderful person, very kind, caring and understanding, but the manager side of her is still the type who's in favor of the company, or maybe that's just what I'm thinking..or maybe she really loves her job that much. She's a compassionate leader to us, she has done way too much for things to be in our favor and there's really nothing bad I can say about her, it's just that, sometimes, this is one of those times, when I feel like she's wearing the ideal manager mask.
I wonder if they get it from training? If you become a manager, do you have to become more than one type of person? Do you have to, sometimes, hide your realistic side to be in favor of the company? I may not make sense because I can't explain myself really well in regards to this topic but hell, I hope some people can get the gist of what I'm trying to say.
While she talked, I remained quiet even though I wanted to contradict everything she's saying, out loud. I just can't. She'll feel more negative if she realizes how I really loathe this account that we're in. Besides, if I tell her the reason why I'm staying, she'll just say, 'You don't work for me'. Well, yeah that's kinda true. But we work because she's there. She wouldn't like that answer, she wanted to hear us say,
'yay we love our job, the calls are great! No pressure! No worries! Jump for joy!'I don't like repeating myself so just search for my post about why we can simply get a job elsewhere. The answers are there. We are damn good sellers but they can never blame us if the calls they're giving us are bullshits.
So that's what happened. She wants us, I mean me specifically, to stop whining, love the job, be thankful that we still have the account, and be happy that we're still together. Oh yeah? I raised my eyebrow on the last part. Be happy? Yes, I'm happy with the team and whenever we would just laugh about how ugly the calls are, she'll be like,
'let's not be too happy if we don't have a sale yet.' Ok, lemme get this straight, you don't want us laughing, and you don't want us whining about the calls? What will we be, then? Ahh I know.. Find a perfect agent mask: Cover up what you really feel. Be a fucking stone, devoid of emotions and human feeling.
That's what I'll definitely do when I get back to work next week. I can't wait. No more hateful me. No more loudmouth me. No more cursing while on mute. I'll be so fucking quiet you wouldn't even notice that I'm there.
CAN'T FUCKING WAIT.Labels: call center, calls, management, NCO, pink crimson, sprint, team, work
Evident Changes
06-16-2010 Wednesday
I knew that Alex just happened to wake up early yesterday that's why he was able to pick me up at work. Today, I'm not mistaken that he's probably still snoring by the time I got out of the office.
I got out at a little after 7 in the morning and it's hard getting a jeepney that goes straight to Quiapo. I'm used to commuting everyday but I hate hate it when I have to wait forever for a jeepney or when I find myself stuck in traffic. I encountered those two things that I hate and I wished Alex did pick me up because it took me an hour before I reached our house! To think that I live nearby, the length of time it took me is almost equal to the time it will take me if I go home to Caloocan.
The sun is already up when I walked the busy morning street in Blumentritt. Alex texted me, asking me where I am and apologizing that he didn't wake up early enough to pick me up. Yeah, as expected. I didn't bother to reply, what's the use if I'm just 10 steps away from our house?
I opened the door to our room and there he was, lying in bed, holding his cellphone. He had this guilty smile on his face when he saw that I wasn't smiling. I was too tired to argue though so I put my things down, went to the bathroom for a quick shower, changed into fresh clothes and headed back to the room.
I was almost at the door when I caught a glimpse of my half body reflection in the mirror against the wall on my side. I stopped to scrutinize at my features. I faced the mirror, then I faced my left, then to the right, my eyes not leaving my reflection. As I did that, I begin to notice the changes happening in me and it worries me so much because it means the time is getting nearer when I could no longer visit my gramma. I'll be going home to her tomorrow so this is something that we need to talk about. I wanted her to be the one to visit me but with my mom to take care of at home, not to mention the house chores, I know she can't always travel back and forth to see me.
It makes me sad again. I wish it wouldn't happen this soon but it's something I can't control. Once the evident changes begin to occur, then it's fast forward from that, there would be no turning back anymore. It will be me, hiding away in Manila, far away from gramma. I know that this isn't really the right thing to do but we have ran out of options. This is not the best way to deal with the matter at hand but it's too late to undo my mistakes.
When I lie down in bed, I didn't fall asleep immediately. My biggest mistake for this day is drinking more than 2 cups of brewed coffee. I have a lot of things in mind, my body is tired, yet I can't sleep. Even after Alex left to go to work, I'm still awake, thinking.
I wish I could change things..instead of letting things change me...
Labels: alex, Blumentritt, changes, gramma, home, living together, pink crimson
Still On the Process
06-14-2010 Monday
This may sound silly but I swear I cried after being able to fry a fish in the pan. I've been trying, for years, to get over my fear of frying fresh meat or fish in a pan of hot cooking oil. It hurts when the oil splatters out of the pan and hit you right? I hate that. Since I'm starting to learn how to cook more types of food, I figured I'll eventually get to the part when I would have to face this fear so I gathered up all the courage I have when I told Alex that I'll be preparing fish for lunch.
Good thing I remembered what my gramma taught me about cleaning the fish. It was hard, I feel a bit grossed out and I almost cut my finger but I did it. Goddamn, I did it.
I took care of preparing lunch while Alex did the laundry. When he finished, I'm already cooking the rice. We stayed in the room to rest before eating. He popped a dvd in the computer and began watching. I lie down in bed, I wasn't looking at the computer monitor, I was looking at the plate of fried fish that sat on the table beside our bed. It looks like something my gramma would prepare and when I thought about it, my eyes just leaked. I'm missing my home again. I'm missing my gramma and the food she usually cooks for me. I may be on the process of growing up away from home, and I'm trying to get used to it but sometimes, it's still hard to get by.
Alex noticed me crying and he sat on the bed, looking alarmed,
"What's wrong? Why?" he held my face to wipe my tears.
Not so Alex, I thought. When we were not yet living together, he would scold me for crying, telling me that I'm always being such a drama queen so I am surprised with the way he acts lately. It's like he's really starting to care. Well, maybe miracles do happen.
I told him I'm alright, that I just remembered something and I'm tired with the household chores. I have told him that I'm not used to doing all the work at home, he knows how I am treated when I was living with my gramma so he can definitely understand where I'm coming from.
"It's okay" he said
, "I appreciate all your hardwork, I'll make it up to you."'If you say so.' I can only say that in my head. His 'I'll make it up to you' line is something I don't really count on. He has some habits that would be hard to change, changes don't happen overnight, but it would be nice if he will start being more responsible in the house.
The rice got cooked and we ate outside the house with our adopted mate, Doraemon. It was nice to eat outside, warm and sunny, I had my one knee up and we ate with our hands, forget about utensils, those will only add up to the things to wash and clean.
Alex went to work at around 2 and I'm left at home to contemplate if I've really grown up eversince I made this decision to live alone and face the responsibilities ahead of me. I came up with a blank answer.
Seriously, what would it take for me to grow up? More cooking lessons? Attend anger management classes? It should begin with myself yeah, but I can't find the answer within me on where to begin. Help!
Labels: alex, cook, food, gramma, grow-up, living together, mate, pink crimson
Valuable Time
06-13-2010 Sunday
Does everyone understand how valuable time is? A time wasted is something you can never get back, once it's lost, it's gone forever, no second chances. I don't know if it's part of the emotional changes I'm going through but lately, I've been valuing time, been paying so much attention to it and on how I can divide it between the people that mattered to me. I wanna spend as much time as I could with the people I care about, make sure they're happy, healthy and living well.
I go home as often as I could while I still can. I try to spend time with Alex whenever it's his off. I try to always keep an open communication with my present and former colleagues. I felt like my heart is a big, open chamber for all the people I love. I only have a few important people on my list but my heart felt so big and full of them. I love to love them, I just wanted them to remember me as someone full of love to share. Like I mentioned, we can never tell when time will be over and separate us. Possibilities, endless possibilities. My imagination is running wild, my feelings are open wires, sensitive even to the slightest touch so you'd have to bare with me, you can call it, one of those days for me.
Maybe it's also because I have a severe case of home sickness, it could be the reason why I feel so emotional about people and things lately. Emotional changes, understanding and trying to deal with the difficult things, are these all part of growing up process? Gasp! Does this mean I'm growing up? Finally? For real? Wow.
Ok, I'm starting to learn how to cook (2 meals under my belt *wink), I'm doing the laundry, I'm trying to be more patient and understanding, in short, I'm trying to be the perfect partner in the house. This time with Alex is temporary, I don't want any blames or any bad separation when the time comes that I will go back home. I only want him to remember me as someone, even for a short period of time, who cared and loved him.
I don't know why but it suddenly mattered to me on how I would leave a lasting impression on people. I began thinking that when I'm gone, I want people to think positive and happy thoughts with me. Now, do all people think of that? Maybe the good ones, the types of people who probably has a one way ticket to heaven because of their goddamn kindness. What about for those people like me, who has made tons of mistake, most of which has caused pain to my family. Do I have the right to even think about being good now?
Something makes me worry, this something makes me think about trying to change my life to be a better person. This something tells me that time might be running out for me..and I have to run for it, get ahold of it before it slips away. I'm dying to live, every single day...because life might pass me by and I can't, no I won't let that happen. And when my time is over, I can look back on my existence as something that did happen, that I've lived a memorable life worth remembering.
Labels: alex, family, gramma, life, love, pink crimson, time, value
Good Food, Good Weekend
06-12-2010 Saturday
After being able to cook Pork Steak and Adobo, I almost cried with joy as I consider myself genius. 2 meals that I already know how to cook and yeah right of course there's more to go but heck, it's better than nothing right? I'm no longer a dummy when it comes to cooking, hurrah! Though, I'm still saddened with the fact that I still feel tired and worn out after spending a good quality time in front of the hot stove and I seem to have lost my appetite already even before indulging in the food that I prepared myself. I've solved my problem in cooking some basic food, but my problem of getting tired remains.
It's a Saturday. It's my day off and lo, would you believe, it happened to be Alex's day off also. Woo, things like this rarely happen so after I got home from work, I prepared myself for long hours of sleep. I can let Alex prepare the food and everything, I'm dead tired from talking to some dumb people all night.
When I opened the door to our room, I turned on the lights and saw him lying on his side, hugging the pillow tightly, sleeping like a baby. For a second I envy him, he was asleep all night while I'm beaten up at work, God I really wish to have a day job. I didn't bother waking him up, I grabbed the towel hanging at the back of the door, went to the bathroom to clean up and change my clothes, then I went back to the room and lie down beside him.
It must be an hour or so that has passed when I felt him waking me up. I forced my eyes to open, and I saw him looking down at me.
"What.." I asked, my voice groggy.
"We need to line up your information for the doctor's appointment." he said.
Shoot. I forgot. I scheduled my first check up in Chinese General Hospital for this day. I cringed at the thought of going there half asleep but I dragged my ass to get out of bed.
"It'll only be a minute." he told me.
"After you filled up the forms, we'll go home and just come back later around 5 pm."Fair enough, I thought to myself.
Surprisingly, he's right. I filled up one small form and we're out. I almost crawled back home, that's how tired I am. I fell asleep again the moment my body touched the bed.
I woke up to the sound of Alex walking around the room. I opened my eyes. I saw him carrying our small pot, placed it on the floor. He went out and went back in, this time carrying our small plate that contained the Adobo that I cooked yesterday. The smell drifted inside the room and I'm suddenly hungry.
He sat on the side of the bed and gently tapped my arms, thinking I'm still asleep. I looked at him.
"Wake up and eat." he said, smiling.
"W-What time is it?" I asked him. My head hurt a bit and it's still due to lack of sleep so I thought it's still around noon.
"4:30, hurry up, we need to go back to the hospital by 5."I almost fell out of the bed,
"4:30!!? I'm asleep that long?! Why didn't you wake me up earlier?""Well, you're tired and I was out anyway." He handed me a plastic bag.
"Here's something I bought for you."I unwrapped it-- siomai! Amazing. I can't believe he's really starting to care. I gladly ate and we headed to the hospital afterward.
After the check-up, he said that Doraemon (a friend of his whom they call Yao but I prefer calling him that because of his undying love for Siopao) will be treating us to a nice dinner because his aunt sent him money. Yay, more good food for this day! We met him up at Puregold Jr. which is just across the street from Chinese General.
They bought liempo, embutido and vodka. I like hanging out with Doraemon. He likes to eat good food, and the best thing about it is he shares it with us. Alex said he's our adopted mate. He eats with us every now and then, and I got used to cooking a rice enough for three people.
When we got home, the two of them prepared the food, while I took a bath. After the preparations, we ate outside the boarding house. Ahh, good food, good company, good laughs on a good weekend.
At least good things still happen to me here. And now, GOOD..night.
Labels: alex, Blumentritt, Chinese General Hospital, cook, food, pink crimson, weekend
Working Gal
06-08-2010 Tuesday
The work never stops whether it is in the office or at home. Is this really what it's like to be a wife to someone? Ok, we're not married or anything but of course, living together means I get a glimpse of what my life would be if ever we will get married, and to be totally honest, I'm not liking it.
We both go to work, he works during the day which is the usual of course, while I work graveyard and I don't really hate graveyard shift before but now, thinking how inconvenient it is for me when it gets in the way of me trying to get work done in the morning, it makes me wish I have a regular day job as well.
I thought cooking is gonna be the hardest part.. I was wrong. Everything is hard. I should've thought of which one will be the easy part because the rest sucks. People tell me that I'm still trying to adjust to the changes of living with someone and being away from the parent who has taken care of me ever since, although I could agree with them, there's a part, a big part, inside my head that tells me this is not how it's supposed to be.
I'm not spoiled, neither was I pampered too much at home, it's just that, being a working gal is tiring enough that I wanna envision home as a place where I can do nothing but lie down in a comfy bed and sleep, then wake up to a ready to eat meal. It would've been different if I will just stay at home to take care of everything or if I have a day job.
Here I go again, putting the blame on anything and anyone but me. I know that for some people the things that I'm doing are basically normal stuff that every woman with a partner does. My colleague Elaine lives with her boyfriend as well and she seems okay with everything. She goes to work, does render overtime and whenever I text her for advice on cooking, she replies fast, it's like she never sleeps during the day but still, she looks like she has enough energy to still do more. It's not about age, that I know, she's just a year older than me.
So what is it then? Am I the only one whose not used to doing the laundry, going to the market to buy food, cooking and working graveyard all in a span of 24 hours? 24 hours seemed not enough to me lately. I barely have time to close my eyes to sleep and when I do, some idiot kid would break the peacefulness with an annoying scream.
I'd rather be in the office all day, than be a housewife in the future. Now that I'm experiencing, let's say, half of it, it makes me not want to be like that someday. It's not fun to cook meals, I get hungry even before it gets cooked and ready to eat. It's not fun to do the laundry, if you can just see my hands right now, it's peeling so bad. It's not fun to always have to think of what to cook tomorrow and the next day and the next, because it's the more I realize how dumb I am when it comes to preparing a meal.
The fun part? I dunno. You tell me.
Labels: Blumentritt, cook, housemate, housewife, living together, pink crimson
Back at It
06-05-2010 Saturday
"I'm on my way back.." I texted Alex. It was a struggle to text as I clutched the plastic bag containing the meat that my gramma has prepared before I left, my bag on my lap, the umbrella clasped between my knees and a 16 oz. Slurpee in my other hand with it's straw stuck to my lips.
I asked my gramma for instructions on how to cook a pork steak, and aside from instructions, she went ahead and bought the meat for me and prepared it so that when I go back to Blumentritt, all I have to do is cook it. She said it's raining and she doesn't want me to go to the market to buy meat. That's how much she cares for me, and seeing her care so much about me, it makes me not want to go back to Manila.
I held the plastic bag of meat tightly, I can lose my bag and everything but not this meat that my gramma prepared. Traffic is a headache. I left the house at 9 in the morning and I arrived in Blumentritt a few minutes past 11.
I walked to our room, unlocked the door with my key and surprise, I was greeted with a room that suffered from a near destruction. The floor is dirty, the unwashed plates are stacked in the corner, the chair is marked with food stains, and I'm near tears as I looked around the room, wondering where will I begin to fix the mess. I wanted to be mad with Alex but felt pity for him instead, he obviously can't live well on his own. I put down my things on the bed, and opened the pot beside our water jug. There's rice enough for me and sardines. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. Alex can't cook as well, but he's worse than me.
I cleaned the room, washed the dishes, and I realized I still have to do the laundry. Ok, here goes another day for poor lil' me.
I'm back here. I'm back to doing things for myself. It's either I get used to it, or live with it till it's all over.
Labels: alex, Blumentritt, cook, gramma, homesick, pink crimson
Rest Day
06-03-2010 Thursday
I now consider going home as my rest day even though I still have to go to work in the evening. When I'm at home, I don't need to worry about cooking for myself, or going to the market to try and distinguish the difference between a fresh meat and a not-so-fresh one, or washing the dishes before taking a bath and going to work. At home, I can just wake up, smell the aroma of the food waiting for me in the dining table, eat my heart out, take a bath then off I went to work.
I ain't no princess at home, I still do some house chores whenever I can but most of the time, I'm just too beat up at work that I prefer lying in bed to rest. My gramma taught me how to cook when I was younger, but due to lack of practice, I eventually forgot and I grew up to be a 21 year old chick who has no idea at all on what goes on in the kitchen. My gramma has took care of me so much that I start to realize how dependent I've become to her.
I headed straight to our house after work and the thing that I missed the most never failed to greet me: A nice breakfast spread out in the table. My gramma has this look on her face that always means she's happy to see me again, and she missed me. Damien has the same look, plus the endless wagging tail. Do you dare ask my mom? Oh somewhere in bed, sleeping, pleased with herself.
It's never like this when I'm at home with Alex. It's not that I'm complaining with Alex, it's just that living on my own is harder than I thought it would be. My daily routine in Blumentritt is goddamn tiring. I go home to Alex sleeping and snoring, no food, nothing. I skip breakfast, took a quick shower then I sleep. I sleep for a few hours. The screaming of little children everywhere is enough to wake me up every hour. I woke up in the afternoon to go to the market and figure out what to buy, since I don't know how to cook, I usually ended up buying hotdogs, ham, you know stuff that can be fried in the pan. Then, I go home to cook. After everything is prepared I'm no longer hungry and I just force myself to eat for me not to go mad at work. I wash the dishes, clean up the room before I can finally take a bath. In short, I am dead tired even before I walked out the door to leave. Then, work drains me and at the end of the day, I kept on asking myself if I'll still make it alive.
Since there will be another worship service for Saturday, I decided to stay at home till Saturday. I texted Alex to let him know. I need the rest, goddamn it. I almost forgot how good it felt to get some rest when at home. I slept in my comfy bottom bunk of our double deck. I even missed looking out the window as I lie in bed, (in the room where I stay with Alex, there's no window..) I missed the eardrum-breaking bark of Damien whenever he sees people walking outside, I missed the sound of my gramma scolding Damien when he does that..sigh, I miss being at home.
There's no place like home? Tell me all about it..
Labels: cook, Damien, gramma, home, homesick, pink crimson
