Truth, Faith and Challenges
03-28-2010 Sunday
Now that everyone in the family knew about it, I feel more comfortable at home knowing that they both knew what I'm going through. I also felt better after my mom talked to Alex and asked him what his plans are. Even though I can feel that Alex is still half undecided, I know it makes a difference once he was able to talk to my mom. He likes mothers, he is close to his mother and he wouldn't do anything that will hurt one.
He came around 5 in the afternoon. It somehow helped that I texted his boss last night, I told his boss I need him to be at our house before evening, sort of emergency reasons and I'm glad that the people I wasn't expecting to help were actually there to help out. His boss even texted me to make sure that Alex arrived at our house in time. With that, I need to delete his name on my Hate List, time to love and appreciate people that deserves it.
If you remember, I used to hate his boss because he seemed to always go to places and ask Alex to drive him around. I thought he's such a heartless rich old man but I finally saw the good side of him today and I feel better to have his name added on my NFF-Uhh new found friend. Haha.
Kidding aside, now that they all know about it, it doesn't mean that the problem has ended, matter of fact, everything will start to get harder from now on. I feel like we're racing against time, I have to count the days down that I have left before I can finally say if my happy ending will come true. I talked to Alex and he gave me the assurance that he won't leave me, but he simply doesn't want to convert to our religion.
I begged him to give it a try. I even dared him to bring a Catholic bible, any type of bible and ask all questions and if there is only ONE, ONE question he has that's not answered, or ONE verse in the bible that will state about our religion being the wrong kind, then he can quit from even trying. That's how strong my faith is and that's how much I believe that I'm doing this to save him.
He said he knew that all his questions will be answered and I said of course, it will be, so what makes it difficult for him to try? I told him it may be a long and hard road but as long as we're together, I know we can make it. I'm willing to help him. He asked me what if after he listened and everything, he still decided he doesn't want to convert? I have no answer for that because I've been praying for him and I believe I will not fail. I told him I believe that he is smart, he'll know what to do, he'll know what to believe in once he has listened to what we are teaching.
He said it seems like everything is in favor of me and I told him it's not, it's actually in favor of you. This is a challenge of faith and love. I have to win, I have to win for him and for my family to not be hurt by my mistakes. I owe this to them, I need to make this right that's why I'm fighting. I'm holding on to my God, and He never failed, not even once.
After the talk we've had, we ate dinner and watched TV. In a few minutes, I heard him snoring in my bed. My mom asked me if Alex will stay for the night and I told her I wasn't sure, I'll let him sleep for awhile because he looked awfully tired. By 9:30, I softly woke him up and told him it's getting late. I thought he's gonna leave but I was relieved when he parked his motorcycle inside, closed our front gate and went back inside our house. The moment his head hit the pillow, he was fast asleep again and I lie down next to him, prayed silently for everything to turn out right, then went to sleep.
Labels: alex, faith, family, love, pink crimson, relationships, religion
Earth Hour and More Hate
03-27-2010 Saturday
8:30PMSupposedly, every lights should be turned off at this time as a way of taking a stand against climate change. It's a global action, that's what good 'ol wiki told me. Global action, saving the environment, giving an hour worth of our time to participate, to show that we care about our earth; these are all the messages being relayed to every individual during this so-called Earth hour.
Well, I do care about the earth, it just so happen that the company I work for obviously don't because as of this time, here we are, lights on, taking goddamn calls. Oops, wait what I mean to say is, we-TENURE reps are taking all the goddamn calls while the new reps are almost falling asleep in their station because the management's fucked up strategy continues to kill the tenure agents with tons of worthless calls. I'm sorry, I know it's too early to get mad but I can't help it, especially when your jaws are getting dislocated from talking while the new agent sitting beside you is doing nothing but stare at you as the beloved company cuts your throat.
I hope everyone who has the freedom tonight will participate in this Earth Hour because as much as I would like to become a part of it, I simply can't. This company cared more about making money, that's it, let the earth suffer as long as they get their money.
I'm waiting for March to end, hoping that they will change their goddamn strategy by April. If this continues on, I can no longer wait for my anniversary this May, I'll probably shove a lengthy resignation letter of hate on their greedy faces and be done with it. I will no longer allow myself to do all the hard work while I get paid the same amount of money which is not even enough to repair a dislocated jaw or a damaged throat. The other tenure agents are feeling the same way and I doubt if they will also stay in this toxic company any longer.
No agent in a right state of mind will choose to stay with a company that kills their employees who have been with them the longest. It's disappointing for me to think that I've loved this company for almost three years now and I've been given nothing but this-to get all the calls and get paid the same.
The higher management
doesn't give a fuck to their tenure agents, instead of taking care of us as we age in the company, we've been taken for granted. I don't know when they will wake up, hopefully, sooner..before all of us are gone, before it's too late to undo their screw ups.
Labels: agent, earth hour, FURY FUCK, management, NCO, pink crimson, sprint, tenure
Good For the Business?
03-23-2010 Tuesday
Alright, brace yourselves for an array of complaints and curses that will be delivered to everyone through this post. This is out of frustration, hoping that someone who actually cares for employees would be able to read this post and give a damn. I know I'm holding on to a false hope but right now, it's better compared to holding on to completely nothing.
This is the situation at work: The fucking management figured out that they need to strategize to be able to hit the given goals because the entire site is going down due to recent fraudulent activities committed by those sellers who used to get all the praises for an outstanding performance. That's a middle finger aimed at the management, those people who were performers in their eyes turned out less perfect than what they thought they were. This is all their fault anyway, they've earned it, for pushing their people way too hard to sell that those people start doing frauds just to reach the goal.
With the fraud cases out, those people guilty of committing such act were terminated so that means less sales, and the effect was angry American clients asking the management what the hell happened to our site, why we couldn't keep up with the given goal and why is it that we have tons of fraud cases. I also learned that the our account has paid over 1.8M (I forgot if it's peso or dollar) to customers affected by fraud. Haha, I feel like laughing my ass off. That's the cost of their manipulation over the agents.
With all these things in mind, that will bring us to the problem we'll be dealing with for the next couple of days, or maybe weeks, or God even months if I can last that long. If you think the management is the only one affected by these screw ups, you're very wrong because they wouldn't shoulder the fucking consequences of their mistakes alone. That's what we, agents are here for, to take some part of the blame..well, not only a part of it, as much as possible, they want us to suffer the most while they sit around and pressure us even more.
Ready for the fun part? Here it is. The year's most fucked up idea goes to... Sprint Inbound Higher Management! Woopie! When we had a meeting, my team manager has set our expectations as tenured reps that we will be bombarded with calls compared to the newbies. She showed us a graph that the percentage of newbies are almost equal the percentage of tenured reps. 35%=35% with some minor point differences and right now, the management obviously can't count on the newbies to sell so they're badly needing our help to convert most calls into sales. That means, we'll be receiving 5-6 times more than the calls the newbies are receiving. That means, they'll be killing us with work. That means, we're all getting paid the same but not everyone's working as hard as our asses do. Talk about being unfair right?
I could accept taking lots of calls, if those aren't bullshit calls. Billing concerns? Technical support concerns? Fuck them, don't they know how to filter these types of fucking calls? Upsell, upsell, upsell, they always push that into your head, and what happens after that? Customers get mad at you because that's not the reason why they're calling in the first place.
If they're doing the math correctly, 35% is not a good percentage for tenure agents with more than a year experience in the company. That means, almost 65% of the agents on the floor are either new hires or has been on the account for less than a year. The awful truth is that these percentage are the employees who will most likely scam just to close a sale. But here's the real truth, if they keep this fucked up strategy until next month, they will most likely lose more of that 35% remaining tenure agents.
Instead of being valued and being given the right treatment, we feel more deprived of everything. We're always on queue, we can't take aux meetings, we can't call the customer back so if we got disconnected in the middle of closing a sale, then that's a lost sale for us, I bet if it's legal. they wouldn't even allow us to take our break anymore to be able to attend to all the trash calls being routed to us.
They want us to understand from a business' point of view, sure but what about the employees side? Especially the tenure ones who will probably be dead by the end of the shift because of endless calls. Imagine this scenario, in one particular team, the tenure ones got over 40 calls in an 8 hour shift while the others ended up with 9 calls at the most. Imagine that and imagine glancing on their payslips and seeing the same exact amount of pay. Do you see where I'm getting at? If you'll give us THAT many calls, then why not just terminate all the newbies or I have a better idea, give us
INCREASE OUR SALARY!If this continue on, they're looking at losing more tenured reps, I can guarantee that. I feel like I can no longer wait 'til May, I may start looking for another job sometime next week.
We'll be gone, bitches, if we don't get the treatment we deserved. I hope you'll all be happy, that's good for the business; keep losing employees then burn in hell.
Labels: fraudulent, management, payslips, pink crimson, salary, sprint, sucks, tenure
Love Calls
03-21-2010 Sunday
It has been more than a week since I last saw Alex so I called him up when I got off from work a little after 5 in the morning and from the sound of his voice, I knew that I've woken him up. I told him I haven't seen him in awhile and I miss him so much. He said he'll come by and pick me up at the office and I was smiling from ear to ear when I hung up the phone.
I wasn't expecting him to be there in just a couple of minutes, and I certainly wasn't expecting him to show up with a new Mio scooter though I didn't dare ask if he bought it or borrowed it. My intuition told me he finally bought one on an installment plan but I decided to be mum about it. I know he'll never tell because he knows I don't want him to get another one as much as possible. Though, in the back of my mind, I was hoping that he'll still have enough money to save for us even though he'll be paying for the motorcycle.
We had breakfast in the house and even after drinking a big cup of coffee, he still looked sleepy, he's almost falling asleep in the dining table. I took him to the bed and let him sleep while I wash the dishes. As I was drying my hand in the kitchen, I was thinking whether I should sleep beside him or just lie down next to my mom on the floor. I sure don't want to sleep on the floor so I decided to lie down beside him, with my head opposite his feet.
I woke up at noon, and I found him awake already. He's just waiting for me to wake up to tell me he's gonna go home and do his laundry. I asked him if I could come with him because I wanted to be with him and he said it's better for me to stay at home and rest. I asked him why he couldn't bring me to the boarding house anymore, I tried not to sound suspiscious but I think it still showed in my voice because he said that I'm just thinking too much. He know I was persistent to go with him so he ended up staying with me all day.
We watched TV together and around 4 in the afternoon he fell asleep again. I didn't notice that I also fell asleep beside him. When I woke up, I felt his arms around me and I didn't move it or anything. My gramma and my mom has probably seen it and it looks like they're fine with it. Well, I'm not a teen anymore, right? I think they're just starting to realize that as well.
He left at around 6:30 in the evening, telling me he'll come back tomorrow to give me some money I'm gonna need for my medicines. I asked him that and I'm glad he's taking his responsibility seriously. We kissed goodbye and I am glad we're no longer having fights anymore. This is the new me, more loved and understood. Hey you know what, it somehow feels good to be good, we should try it more often.
Labels: alex, day off, love, pink crimson, relationships, weekend
Stay Together
03-19-2010 Friday
I really don't know what made the management decide to finally keep our team together and undo the dispersal. From what I remember, they really don't care about bonds or ties, they only care about making money out of the people that work for them.
Anyway, it's a good thing, that means few of my remaining teammates decided to stay for now while they can still take the pressure and stress as long as we all stay together. As for me, I wanted to stay and wait for my anniversary this May since I'm starting to save money all over again. When I think about it, I still feel bad, imagine all those years of saving up money, in an instant, bam, everything's gone. I need to think about how I made my gramma happy to have my mom back and I'll feel slightly better.
Now that our team is intact again, that lessens my worries about going to work without the heart for it. I can still find reasons to be happy about this job. I'm counting on it for all the expenses which will now include my mom's lifetime medications. When I think about all of it, I'm really starting to worry that I may never save enough money for myself, and I'm too stressed at work that I really don't pay much attention to the expenses anymore. Let it worry itself, I have myself to take care of.
I guess that's all I have to say today. I'm really not in the mood lately to write because I'm getting tired of ranting, complaining, being sad, being happy.. It's all a mixed up emotions every day and I'm just tired of feeling things in general. It takes so much out of me and I don't know why even happiness does that. I want to be a robot. I want to lie down and feel nothing but my robotic heartbeat.
Labels: management, pink crimson, sprint, team, Utah, work
Comfort Zone
03-16-2010 Tuesday
'Comfort Zone'. My manager somehow overused that word when she was telling us about her decision of letting us go as a team. She said that the reason why we're not performing is because we're working in our comfort zone, there's no drive no matter how hard she pushes us to sell. We were always quiet whenever she would say that not because we don't have anything to say, but because we're still trying to find the right definition of those words; comfort zone.
From what I understand, it means working with the people that you're comfortable with and working in a happy environment that makes you feel satisfied and excited to go to work. Am I wrong in my definition? Because whenever she would say that to us, she makes it sound so negative as if it's a sin or a curse or something that's bad for the business. Is it? Or do managers have a different definition for it?
Our team, the family that I've been with for more than a year, has been dissolved. It has been announced while our manager was away at Thailand for a trip. Most of us were dismayed due to the fact that she was not the one who personally broke the news to us. We sort of expected a proper goodbye, a more professional way of telling us that she's dropping the team. Good thing I wasn't there personally when the news was announced (I was sick, remember?), but I can feel the disappointment from the messages that they sent me when they told me what happened.
They didn't know who'll be my new manager, but they told me that all of us are scattered to a different manager. One thing is certain, no two agents under our team will stay in one new team. The feeling is like being dumped, and somewhat betrayed. Where did all the friendship go? The family ties?
I can accept the reason like, other teams need us, or we will be getting better calls when we got transferred but no, the reason we always hear is that we are already working in a comfort zone. I don't have any personal anger with my manager, she has always been there, she has been a confidante, a best friend, a shopping buddy, and everything in between, I love her as a person, but as a manager, sometimes I feel like I don't know what she really wanted for the team.
They all want us to sell, of course. They need to see the numbers, the sales, the goals being hit. Comfort zone, eh? Well, comfort zone my ass, you bitches. Since when did you really care about the employees? Never. All they care about is the sales we make so they can make more money out of us. I will definitely accept being transferred to a different team, under a different management if they can guarantee that my calls will no longer stink. If they can say to my face that, 'hey since you'll be in my team, you'll get good calls, you can close sales without bleeding through every hole in your body'. But no, there's nothing like that.
I have the skills. Me and the rest of my team have the skills because if we don't, we wouldn't have 2-3 years experience under our belt, we wouldn't be earning commissions which is something they also scam from us by the way. They kept on saying, if you have the skills, then you can sell. Sure thing honey, but when will they ever listen to each and every call we're getting? The ghost calls? The disconnected, no callback number at all customers? The endless fucking inquiries that can come up with gazillion of reasons not to buy?
Ok, I'm not that narrow minded, I'll try to look it from their point of view, if they have any that will be beneficial for the employees. They are thinking that maybe, we need a new style of management, we need to uhmm, uhh, get 'out' of that so-called comfort zone which means, taking away the only thing that's making us stay.
They say that we're working to make money, not to make friends, ok given that is a fact but what they don't realize is that if money is our only concern, then we could've packed up our asses and resigned a long time ago. Call center is a known industry, continuously expanding, hiring constantly, and paying a good amount of money three or probably four times more than what we're getting paid now. It seemed to me that this management here feels like we need them as much as they need us. Bullshit. They need us. They need the employees, the tenured and experienced ones. What will be the use of the new people they're hiring if those new people has a goddamn attitude, has a knack for closing scammed sales and God-knows-what else? With those types of new hires, the business is doomed to end anytime.
The company is good. The team is a picture perfect family. The account sucked so bad. Sucked so bad. Sucked badly, suckers. Give us more money, give us the commission we deserve and maybe we can all work in harmony just like before, during our Outbound days.
My plan right now is to stay until May for my anniversary bonus and to be qualified for a salary loan. After all that, I'm also gonna be gone for good. All my teammates are resigning, and there could be 3 or 4 of us tenured reps that will stay for the coming months. The rest has given up; Raymond, Belle, Kuya Carlo, brother Jeff, Shine, Reggie, Elaine and Lorraine. All of them, gone. All of them nothing but pieces of memory to be treasured forever.
Is that what the management wants? For everyone to resign 'till there's no one left? Hah. Pathetic suckers,.
Labels: calls, management, pink crimson, sprint, team, work
Season Of Tears
03-14-2010 Sunday
I never meant to be so darn disgusting with the title of this post, but that's what I exactly feel these days. It's like my emotions are as sensitive as an open nerve and even the littlest incident can make me bawl. I'm undergoing through changes in every part of me and I shouldn't be surprised, I think this is all part of the situation I'm in, it's just that I find it hard to cope when I can't even get myself straight.
Physical and mind changes are easy but emotional stress is something almost unbearable. I wanted to be more understanding and patient with Alex, even though deep inside, I wanted to beg for his time and attention with me.
Like today, he told me he'll come this afternoon, I believed him and I waited all day. There's no Alex. He didn't show up. At around 8 in the evening, he called to tell me he can't make it. He said he wanted to surprise me because he applied for another job with a better salary, but he didn't know the whole process is gonna consume his entire day that's why he couldn't come.
The perfect girlfriend would've been said it's okay and would've congratulated him but being the emotional me, who pity myself easily, I was so hurt, I felt like I was stood up. My point is I waited all day, because I believed he's gonna be here, I believed that when he says something, he's gonna do it. I cried and cried when he called me. I didn't say anything, I just let him talk. I missed him, his voice sounded so distant no matter how hard I press the phone against my ear.
I try to look on the bright side of things. He said that he's doing that for 'us'. FOR US. I'm hoping that he's starting to consider me again as the one he'll be with for a long time. The one he'll someday marry. I really hope so. The fact that he is trying his best to find a better job for us mean that he's thinking forward as well. I have to be more considerate and patient and be less of a crybaby.
Besides, I don't doubt him. I've proven my doubts wrong many times already and I'm ashamed of myself for even thinking about such things. He's back to the faithful Alex, my Alex. There are just things that keep him busy and I have to understand.
Well, it's not all about Alex that made me cry today, I'm also sad for losing all of the money I've saved in the bank for almost 3 years of working. Yep, all of it gone. P35,000 cash down the drain. That drain is the rehab. My mom is finally released today and I paid off all the bills that needs to be paid just for her to be released finally. I plan to keep some savings for myself and wait for my gramma's brother to come up with something to help us out but I can no longer bear seeing my gramma worry too much about my mom staying there for a couple more days so with eyes closed, I withdrew all the money and let them pick my mom up.
You can tell by my gramma's face how relieved and happy she was when I told her earlier that I managed to come up with enough money. If having my mom back here will make her happy, then so be it. I just can't help but be sad to realize that all my money is gone. I'm back to zero and I have to start over, all the 3 years wasted. Oh well. I have to stay at work until after May, so I can get my anniversary pay and loan thru SSS then I'll start saving some money again. Sigh.
If you'll ask me how I feel now that my mom's back? I can't tell for now, I mean I'm glad because my gramma is happy but as far as my relationship with my mom goes, I don't know how I'll feel. I want to start appreciating her, I need to change to be a better person right? So I guess I have to start with her. I have to be less mad and be more loving towards the people that loves me. Yes, that's it.
Labels: alex, change, mother, pink crimson, Rehab. CLDRC
Sick Once More
03-10-2010 Wednesday
What the fuck is wrong with me? One sickness after the other. I've committed to work that I'll never be absent 'till April 07 for some of my attendance points to roll over but look where I am now, at home, dealing with a different sickness.
I was diagnosed to have UTI. I went to the doctor earlier after waking up feeling like I was gonna split into two whenever I would pee. It was excruciatingly painful to urinate, and I pee droplets every 10 minutes. I almost cry in pain and my gramma was alarmed when I told her I saw drops of blood in my urine. We headed to my doctor in a nearby hospital. Had a urinalysis and bam, UTI.
I was given a 2 day bed rest but I desperately need the money that I have to work tomorrow when I feel a bit better. Actually, I'm feeling a little better now after taking some prescripted medicine. I'm just hoping this will continue until tomorrow.
I don't usually get sick like this, and I'm not the type of person who like lying around the house feeling half useless. Ugh, I wish I can recover from all this soon, I need my job, I need my attendance, I need to really get well, and maybe it also means, I should start taking care of myself a bit more.
I have to keep this short, guys, I have to start preparing dinner for me and Alex. I told him I'm sick and I'm glad he'll be coming here to stay and watch over me. He's coming back to me, I can feel that, and I've never been happier.
Oops that sounds like the rice boiling, I have to go.. Bye for now.
Labels: alex, bed rest, hospital, love, pink crimson, sick, UTI
Back to Normal
03-09-2010 Tuesday
While everyone else on Facebook is blabbing non-stop about Paramore's concert tonight, I, myself, would want to announce that my pc is back to normal! Hoorah! I could've cared less about those poser bands visiting this country, what I care about is that my computer would synchronize perfectly with Windows 7. Yeah I know I switched to W7 eons ago but it's just today that I started to really enjoy it.
The problem I've had first is that all my Sims game wouldn't work, it kept saying an error that the system doesn't support Directx9 even though it's included on the installer cd. Next is the 'fading' effect is gone, after restarting it once, it didn't return since then, including the screensaver option, whenever I would select a screensaver, it would say that the videocard doesn't support blah blah blah when in fact I was able to use all of those when I first installed this OS. It was aggravating but I've dealt with it, hoping that I'll figure it out somehow with the help of a friend , it's just that our schedules make it impossible for him to come over the house and help me fix my pc.
I talked to him yesterday and I told him that I still get the error of not having Directx9, and that my screensavers still won't work, and he said maybe I should try updating it. I shrugged and said that I'll give it a try.
And I did, I was thankful I did. I was always ignoring that message about Windows updates, thinking that it's nothing important. Sorry, I have the tendency to ignore things that look less significant.
After the update, I tried to click on The Sims 2 icon. I waited for a few seconds, tapping my fingers on the mousepad, and voila, I almost fell out of the chair when the screen went black and a familiar icon of EA Games appeared. Woohoo! Of course, I have to start over the game but it's fine by me, what matters is I can start playing that addictive game again. Haha! And I can also start shopping around for expansion packs! Double woohoo!
I know this is a silly update but I was just so happy I wanna share it with you! Haha. Well, damn, I'd rather talk about computers and games instead of talks about some shitty mainstream bands that plague the music industry with fake angst and unnatural music.
Why are they coming here anyway?! Jesus, it's all for mass consumption. Want something to listen to? Lamb of God and Testament will fucking perform maximum destruction this April and that's something to watch out for. Wake up kiddies, listen to something real.
Labels: bands, concert, Directx9, pc, pink crimson, Windows 7
Paranoia Princess
03-08-2010 Monday
I should really start being less paranoid on things that concern Alex. We've made a pact that we'll start over, that I'll start to trust him again, and I'll be less of the insecure, suspicious nagger that I used to be, and be more of the thoughtful and understanding girlfriend that I should be.
Look what I did yesterday because of being too paranoid. I was crying, pitying myself and thinking of things that will cause me harm, worse, I almost lost my faith all at once. Jesus what was I doing? Is it the change of hormones and other shit like that? I don't know why I exaggerate the little things and when I do, I start exaggerating thoughts in my head.
Alex told me that he'll come to the house in the afternoon because he'll be doing his laundry all morning. I was too excited, I couldn't sleep. I waited. And waited. 4:00pm, I watched The Buzz while I waited. 5:00pm, I took a bath, hoping he's on his way. 6:00pm, I was starting to think negatively. 7:30, I texted him, trying to sound cool. I joked that I think it was just Saturday because I haven't seen him yet. I went berserk when he replied that he think so too. I asked him if I did anything wrong. Nope, was his short reply.
My fears returned when I noticed the lack of interest in his replies and I started thinking about him cheating. It was Sunday, it was almost evening and I knew that he should be done with the laundry by that time. My insanity added to my worries when I pictured visions of him with another girl, them walking in the mall on a lazy Sunday afternoon, them eating out, and him giving her all the attention that should've been mine.
I let all those crazy thoughts get in the way of my proper thinking so I texted Ms. Fat Bitch, she's unimportant but she's been a character in one of my posts because she's the woman that, in a way, adopted Alex in the boarding house. I asked her if Alex has another girl. She wouldn't answer till I give her all the details of what's going on. I've said it to her, and I begged her not to say anything to Alex, I just wanna know if she has another. I wasn't expecting any help from her so I cried like crazy when she answered me that she'll find out for me and let me know. In a way, I was thankful I have someone who'll keep an eye on Alex. It's not that I don't trust him, I was simply insane and eaten up by paranoia..and hormone changes if I may add.
When Alex told me he's on his way, I still cried. It was evening already and I think he's not gonna stay that long. By the time he reached our house, my eyes were puffy and red and he has this confused look on his face when he saw me. I told him it was nothing. It was time for dinner, we ate together, and halfway through the meal, my stomach kicked out all the food I just swallowed. I ran outside and vomitted. I was glad that unlike before, Alex showed more concern when he followed me with a glass of water, helped me up and asked me what would I want to eat instead.
After dinner, we sat on the floor and watched TV. I asked him what he did all day and he said that he fell asleep after washing his clothes. I can see that he was tired and he commuted on the way to our house. He said that the traffic was heavy and I glanced at the clock, it was 9:00pm, when I texted him, it was almost 8, realization hit me that he was already on his way when he replied on my first message (it takes 2 hours to commute from his house to mine). How silly of me!
He said that even though he came in late, he'll just stay for the night to make up for it and gave me a squeezing hug, as he whispered how much he missed me. I hugged him back while thinking about what I did an hour ago while he was not yet around. God, I am one crazy woman! To even think that I texted the Fat Bitch! I will just keep my fingers crossed that she wouldn't tell what she knew. If Alex finds out that I texted her and let her know, he'll be mad for sure. Oh, how I fucking hate myself for overreacting and for being too emotional, impulsive and paranoid.
I feel bad, I feel like I'm not doing my part of the promise. How can this be called starting over if I'm like this? Arrrgggh! Okay, let me take note of things I must always remember:
NOTES TO SELF:*BE LESS paranoid!
*Trust in him because he does love you.
*Don't exaggerate and overreact!
*Stop acting like an insane bitch.
*Be understanding and patient.
*Remember that being impulsive
[to elaborate-that's doing or saying things without giving it much thought,] might result to a high risk self-destruction and you don't want that do you?
Now that I have these notes, I gotta keep this in paper also. Something for me to read and remember whenever I would feel my sanity slipping from my grip. It's hard ya know? 'Specially if you've been crazy all your life. Sigh....
Labels: exaggerate, insane, overreacting, pink crimson, sanity
Happiness is...
03-05-2010 Friday
My life is far from perfect right now but I can say that in spite of the minor bumps along the way, I'm still getting along just fine. Thanks to the strength that's given to me by my prayers. Other people who has known the bad side of me would find it hard to believe that I am a religious person, well, I can't blame them, judging some posts of mine in this blog when I curse non stop, but hey, anyone can be like that when angered.
Happiness has eluded me for awhile and I realized now that I don't need to look hard just to find my happiness, sometimes, amidst all the bad things that happen around me, happiness is simply hiding beyond the shadows, just waiting to step out and light your dreary path. With everything that I'm going through now, at first I thought that being happy is something that's hard to achieve but then I'm starting to learn that happiness is always around the corner, hiding behind the ordinary things we barely notice because we're too preoccupied with our miseries.
Why would I worry myself with all the problems when I still have some things to smile about? Simple as that. I have a decent job, (even though it's killing me sometimes), I have a supportive gramma, I have a bubbly loving pet, Damien, and Alex is coming back to me.
He doesn't have an idea how much I value the little nice things he's showing. I am hoping that this is the beginning of him going back to what he used to be. I'm observing all the messages he's sending me, and so far, I'm liking what I'm reading. The cold messages were gone, and he was back to the old caring Alex which is a good sign.
What will make me happier is the answer to my prayers, for Alex to share the same beliefs I have. I pray whenever I get the chance, I wouldn't get tired when I'm asking for something I badly want. I want him to be the one for real, I'm madly in love and I haven't felt this way for anyone before. It makes me happy, scared, hopeful, nervous and everything all at the same time.
Sometimes I wonder if this is really how love feels, if so, then I'll be damned because I am not really prepared for it. All I know is to have fun, to enjoy my youth, to be goddamn immature about certain things. I used to think that love happens some time in your late twenties, I mean that's the age when you feel ready to settle down right? That's the stage in your life when you're more mature, more than prepared for love and you're just waiting for your Mr. or Ms. Right to come along, and off you go on board the love boat.
I'm fighting for my happiness. I've waited for it for so long and I don't intend to let it go. I'm happy to be in love, and you fellas who don't believe that I can fall in love, better leave me alone.
Labels: alex, Damien, happiness, happy, love, pink crimson
Relationship Status: Still in Love
03-03-2010 Wednesday
Brief background check: (Forgive me for mentioning names, these are names of exes, if you see your name mentioned below, then you might remember me as the girl who ran away from everything..so yeah..sorry)*9-10 months in the relationship: Obet was crushed when I broke up with him because of finding someone else. I felt terrible but I just did what I have to for him not be hurt any further. I know he can feel that I've become cold and our relationship isn't like before whaen we we're just starting out. He tried to make me stay but decided that he has to let me go, he did and I moved on to someone new, leaving him behind.
*8 months in a relationship: Gene was kind, faithful and our relationship was going smoothly. The only problem is, he is 1 year younger and he can't get a decent job. Looking back, the only reason why I gave up on him was I'm tired of always having to treat him out, and someone else came that was able to provide me with things I only imagined. I was materialistic at that time. I chose stuff toys, fried chicken with Coke float, and endless treats over the guy that I've established a solid relationship with. He knew he can no longer compete with someone who can provide more so he set me free.
*11 months in a relationship: Mario provided me all the good stuff, too much of a nice guy, the kind of guy you can definitely bring home to momma. However, too much can get boring. I don't know if it's just me or maybe I really wasn't taking things seriously before. I got bored with him. To think that we lasted 11 months is simply because I have no reason to break up with him. Gee, you can't just break up with someone because he's too kind, can you? He does anything I ask him to. To be honest, the feeling was starting to lessen months before, I just don't wanna hurt him that's why I stayed. Eventually, I got so bored I found someone else again.
You think I was happy for hurting all these good guys in my past? I was not. It makes me feel dirty, as if I'm jumping from one guy's bed to the other. Believe me, this change of boyfriends doesn't have any sexual relation to it. I don't have any sexual cravings, I need a stronger emotional attachment to someone, that's it.
The problem I used to have before is that after a couple of months, I always find another one while I'm still in a relationship so I ended up hurting the people I once loved. I hated myself for that and I fear that karma might strike me hard. I've seen the pain they've been through when I left them and my greatest fear is for karma to give me that same kind of pain.
Then, there's Alex. Alex came into my life without any type of warning. He didn't make a grand entrance or anything, he tiptoed inside my life and I thought he was just someone I can use to distract myself from my then boyfriend Mac. When Mac left me, Alex was there. He took all the pain I should've dealt with alone. He has loved me unconditionally and unlike my relationships before when I would fall hard the first time then lose interest as time goes by, with Alex it's different; I didn't fall for him instantly, it's something that happened slowly, unravelled sweetly, like a tulip of a flower unfolding towards the healthy sunlight.
It's March now, one more month to go and we'll be celebrating our anniversary. Guess what, it will be my first ever anniversary. It will also be my first relationship that I've had this long without falling out of love, instead I am falling more and more for him.
The more I'm realizing how much I love him, the more I'm scared of getting hurt badly. Right now, we're okay, but I think I'll never be fully happy and secured until I own him completely, ding, does anyone hear the wedding bells or is it just me? Nah, too early for that...but if the situation calls for it, why not? We'll see.
Labels: alex, Anniversary, love, months, pink crimson, relationships
Accepting the Truth
03-02-2010 Tuesday
It doesn't surprise me to find out that my gramma knew about it already. Grandmas have this sort of sixth sense in them that can figure out the things that you weren't telling them. I have a feeling that she'll find out even before I tell her and I wasn't mistake that's why telling her wouldn't be much of a problem for me, I will just keep some details that might hurt her. It has always been like this, it's always easier to tell things to my gramma compared to my mom, because she has always been there, she raised me and I know that aside from myself, she knows me better than anyone else.
When she told me what she already knew, I was silent the whole time, I just let her talk. There's really nothing to say anyway, I mean I can't just tell her that, oh sorry gramma the reason why I was not telling you is because Alex is being such a dickhead, we broke up and I wasn't so sure of him now. She'll be more hurt with that, she cares for me, she trusted Alex and it will be like betrayal if I tell her the whirlwind romance we're having, including the cheating. I plan to keep those things to myself, I'd rather deal with the pain alone. I wanted to work things out with Alex first before I tell her, and as much as possible, I wanted Alex to be there when we tell the truth. Oh well, now that she knows, she simply needs an assurance that Alex will not leave me.
I was still having doubts with Alex throughout the day. I kept on praying for him and crying and remembering the happy memories we've had, before things got too complicated. It's hard but I wanted to keep all this pain to myself. There's no one else to turn to. I kept the pain and I held on to my faith.
I texted Alex, told him that my gramma knew, and I needed him to be with us tonight. My gramma hasn't seen much of him since he started being busy with work and I wanted him to show up, to spend time with us, for my gramma to be assured that he ain't going nowhere. I was nervous because he didn't text the entire day but I went to Quezon Ave. anyway, that's where I told him I'll pick him up so we can go home together. I was praying the entire time I was in the jeepney, hoping he'll show up, hoping he'll love me again, hoping he'll be less cold in his messages and gestures.
I waited for more than 30 minutes in McDo but that's fine with me. He showed up, we ate at McDo, sharing a one-piece chicken meal with extra rice, I don't eat much these days, matter of fact, I barely eat. He was hungry as always, he was in between shoving food into his mouth and feeding me. I was happy, I'm starting to see the Alex I knew coming back to me. I asked him to stay at our house for the night and I'll just wake him up early tomorrow so he wouldn't be late, it took a lot of effort for me to make him say yes, eventually, he agreed.
We we're home at around 9:30 in the evening, my gramma was at the front door waiting for me. I was expecting her to talk to Alex but she didn't. She just acted like the usual, slightly mad but I can feel that she's beginning to accept the truth. Alex was hungry again by the time we reached the house and I let him eat the leftover bacon. After eating, we watched a late night TV show. He was acting like himself again. We were talking like before, laughing and joking.
My doubts have lessen tonight, seeing him act like the Alex I've known before. I was able to check his cellphone again, no weird messages from any girls, his inbox is full of my messages, and I was also thankful that the new pictures on his phone are that of a motorcycle, nothing else. When I told him, I love him, he answered immediately that he loves me, while looking into my eyes. I told him that he's mine, only mine and he answered immediately again that he is, with an abrupt nod and a kiss on my forehead.
This is the new start I've been waiting for. I can feel his love again and the pains are slowly being washed away by it. I love him deeply, one more month and we'll be celebrating our anniversary and I'm loving him more as each day passes by, I don't want anything else getting in the way of our relationship. I'm fighting for it, I'm fighting for him, for us because we're supposed to be together.
Goodnight.Labels: alex, gramma, love, McDo, pink crimson, quezon ave, Truth
Prayer Vigil
03-01-2010 Monday
When there's no one else to turn to for help, I retreat to my faith and to my God. The problem that I'm facing now is something I'm dealing with alone, I don't want to bother my gramma about it and up until now, I haven't told a single soul . Well, okay there's an exception, Alex of course, is the first to know,next is my manager, who has seen me shed tears for the first time, then I broke my silence to a good friend of mine, Alpon, because I have to ask for his advice.
Whenever I would tell it to someone, my manager and Alpon for example, I always break into tears, for having to tell what I'm going through alone is painful as it is hard. They were both wonderful listeners and they gave good advice, and after talking to them, the burden in my chest would somehow lessen.
The problem is, I would feel better only for awhile, then when I lay in my bed and try to get some sleep, the pain would come and bother me again. I can't have them with me, for the most part, I'm still dealing with this alone. That's the sad truth.
I believe in Alex, but something is still bothering me. I know he has loved me less, I know that he's having doubts if I'm really the one he can be with for the rest of his life, and the fact that he has slept with another girl when we're having a really bad fight. It's all too much for me to take, I can't sleep without having nightmares, I can't free my mind from the painful thoughts and when I'm alone in my bed, happy memories of me and Alex before would bring me to tears. Why are things so easy before? Why can't we go back to those happy times?
I admit I made a mistake, I knew I've taken his love for granted, I've asked for too much, I was always nagging and suspicious and I always bring him down, hurting his ego. I remember when I would tell him that I have someone new just to hurt him, and I would let him see text messages from my guy friends, all those things that I did are all coming back to me now. It made me realize that I might've pushed him way too far for him to cheat on me. Boys, and their precious egos.
We both made a mistake. We had something really special and we almost wasted it. Now, I'm trying to rebuild it again, I'm trying to bring him back to me, to what he used to be, heavens, I'm praying for him, for us.
When I have nothing to do, I close my eyes for a prayer. I'm holding on to my faith to save our relationship. I wanted him to be the one. I will change to be a good person, even a good daughter, just to have him love me as much as I do love him.
I was thinking if him being cold to me is some sort of a punishment for me. Just a week ago, when I broke up with him, he was extremely sad about it, his last text message was that he loved me so much, even calling me 'Love' even though we've broken up. How can it be possible for him to change in a span of 7 days? Sure, we're back together but his messages are cold and if I don't remind him to tell me 'I love you', he wouldn't. I am hoping that he's just doing that to punish me, I've learned my lesson, I want my Alex back for good.
I'm holding on to my faith. I'm praying so hard for him. I need a cure for myself, strength, and some answers.
"I belong to him, he belongs to me, that's how we're supposed to be..."Labels: alex, faith, love, pink crimson, prayer, relationships
Whirlwind Romance
02-28-2010 Sunday
For awhile, I wasn't able to finish my writing, as you can see from my unfinished posts, and I am terribly sorry for them, I don't even know why I bother posting stuff that doesn't have an ending to it. A lot of things are bothering me, getting in my way of proper thinking, not to mention the times that I've spent crying for the pains that are breaking me to pieces. I know I have to straighten things out before I'm able to write again. Today, somehow, I feel like I can get back up on my feet and brush aside the tears.
These are all about Alex and me, and the people that could be affected in our relationship.We broke up. I begged to win him back. There are a lot of things that are at stake now if I will only think of myself. I love him more than I could ever love someone. I need him now more than ever and I won't let us broke up again, I can't afford to have him leave me, not now.
A lot of things has changed since the last time I checked his feelings for me. He has told me that now he is unsure if I'm really the one, he said he needed to think about it, something that I said he can think about while we're still together, for the sake of certain important things.
When we talked, I asked him if he still love me, it took him awhile to answer and I fear that he might say no. I was looking in his eyes, as his eyes were frantically searching my face for a reaction. My face was trembling, tears kept on spilling out of my eyes, for I am prepared to hear him say that he doesn't love me anymore, I was half expecting that after he texted me two nights ago about how he still love me but not as much as he did before. I knew it would hurt if he said it to me face to face and I braced myself for the pain.
At first he didn't answer. I was talking and talking about my feelings for him, about how I needed him so bad and why, all while I'm sobbing in front of his face. He was staring at me the whole time I was talking, never taking his eyes off of my face. His eyes kept on staring at my forehead, then my eyes, my cheeks, every part of my face as if he's trying to memorize how horrible I look when I'm crying.
Again I asked if he still love me. He finally took me to his arms and I sobbed in his chest. 'Please answer' I begged. I faced him again and asked, he said yes he does. That was enough for me, I didn't want to confirm if he loved me less now, I'd rather not know. What matters is he still does and I will do whatever it takes for him to love me more.
He also told me something about trying to find another because I kept on hurting him, bruising his ego and putting him down. I said I don't believe that he can do that to me, I said he promised me that he's not like that, that if he didn't love me, he could've done that a long time ago and I made him say that he didn't do it, that he is faithful to me all this time. All he said was, I couldn't be too sure. I knew right then that he was about to confess a bomb that will rip my heart.
'Tell me honestly, have you had another?' I asked nervously. He hugged me and I felt him nod. I was shattered
. 'Why? Why did you do it?' was all I could say as I went back to sobbing, this time it was louder and God knows it was the mightiest pain I ever felt, much worse than the pain of infected wounds from a motorcycle accident. I was crying and I couldn't seem to stop the tears anymore. He looked at me with a concerned look in his eyes, he kept on wiping the tears from both my eyes, and said that he never meant to do it. He only did it once to test himself if he can do that to leave me, but he said he can't. He can't leave me for someone else.
Then I asked
, 'Are you not satisfied with me? Am I not enough?' He was using his palms to wipe my eyes, '
You are enough for me'. '
When was it and who was it?' I needed to know. He said it was when I was fighting with him and it was with an ex whom he no longer had feelings for. It was nothing, he said, nothing but a one night stand, no feelings involved. I said,
'If I do that to you, would you still accept me?' He said that as a girl, we have a lot to lose, but him as a guy has nothing to lose. He asked if I can't accept him just because of that and all I said was it hurted me so much because I never once believed that he can do that to me.
He'll never do that to me again, was his assurance. I am more than enough, he loved me and that test made him realize that he can't leave me. I have to believe in him to stop myself from crying. I hid in his arms, in his warmth and God I did believe him.
I knew part of it was my fault. I kept on accusing him of being with another even though I know he has always been faithful to me. He made me realize that I need to change myself, stop being mad to people who has helped him, learn to know how to deal with his family, and stop stirring up fights between us. I asked him what do I need to do to win back all of his love before, he said,
'Change yourself, for the better' I agreed. I promised I will change if he promise he'll be faithful again. He said it's a done deal.
'What are we now?' I finally asked before sleeping.
'M.U' mutual understanding was all he said.
'No. I want you back, you're mine, I'm yours, that's how it should be'. I kissed him and I felt him kiss me back, it was warm and passionate, like before.
'Are you mine?' I asked again. '
Yes' he finally replied, pulled me close to his warm hug and closed his eyes to sleep.
Labels: alex, change, pink crimson, relationships
As Real as it Could Get
02-24-2010 Wednesday
There are instances when the truth is being shoved directly into your face and yet you still couldn't learn to dwell with it. It's as if you still don't believe it's existence even though you very damn well feel the truth's presence in the depths of your soul. It's not just pure denial, it's more of failure to realize the obvious fact about what's really happening to you.
God knows that I've been going through a lot these days and having one more dilemma in life is not something that I really need right now. I can't say all the details of it because this is still a blog, a public wailing wall that is out for everyone to read, and I want to keep certain things about me private. Everyone needs to have their own privacy instead of always posting everything they feel like posting without really knowing if it's something degrading about themselves or to others.
What I just wanna focus on is letting everyone feel what I'm feeling now even without knowing what exactly it is I'm going through. Does it sound like an impossible task to do? I dunno, some people can write stuff like that and I wanted to have that effect on my writing too. So will you all please lemme have a try? Ok.
The first person who blurted out the truth to me was a small woman with glasses too small for her eyes. She was slightly surprised while I showed no reaction. It feels weird when someone tells you something that half of your brain already recognized while the other half doesn't really wanna believe it. I wasn't entirely in a denial, I'm more of confused and scared to know what will happen to me next. Will this affect my future goals in life? I hope not.
The second person who confirmed it was a pleasant looking half Chinese man who has a cheerful aura around him. I am comforted at the sight of him, he looked like someone who will be a good father to his kids, a complete opposite of my own father's image. He looked excited when he told me about it, while I forced a small smile. He asked me why don't I look happy about it and I simply said that I was just surprised. That wrapped up our conversation and I wondered if I'll ever get to see him again.
After the talk I've had with those two people, I felt like I was alone again outside a cruel world. The friendly faces are gone and I feel like destiny has joked a good one on me. I could never question why it had happened to me, I guess my question would be, why did it happen now? Why not later on, when I'm well prepared to handle it?
The truth reflects in every aspect of my life. I kept on thinking about the changes that's gonna happen and it makes me more afraid to face this alone. I will never be prepared for change no matter how hard I try.
Now I can't continue, even this one. SORRY. GOD, I'm too preoccupied.Labels: changes, pink crimson, Unfinished post
The Separation
02-21-2010 Sunday
After saying everything that I needed to say, including the unwanted goodbye, I know I have to peel my hands off of the lamppost where I clung tightly, get on my feet and leave. However, I can't bring myself to get away from the person that has meant an entire life to me for almost a year now. I knew this is the end, I knew that I have to do this, I'm the one who finally decided to let go afterall, a decision that I might regret for the rest of my life.
Incidentally, Alex was wearing that memorable maroon vintage shirt that says 'Bug Off!' at the back, the same exact shirt that he was wearing when we first met. I don't know why I have to be so attentive to details when it's already the last of it.
...Unable to continue....
SORRY.Labels: pink crimson, Unfinished post
