Season Of Tears

03-14-2010 Sunday

I never meant to be so darn disgusting with the title of this post, but that's what I exactly feel these days. It's like my emotions are as sensitive as an open nerve and even the littlest incident can make me bawl. I'm undergoing through changes in every part of me and I shouldn't be surprised, I think this is all part of the situation I'm in, it's just that I find it hard to cope when I can't even get myself straight.

Physical and mind changes are easy but emotional stress is something almost unbearable. I wanted to be more understanding and patient with Alex, even though deep inside, I wanted to beg for his time and attention with me.

Like today, he told me he'll come this afternoon, I believed him and I waited all day. There's no Alex. He didn't show up. At around 8 in the evening, he called to tell me he can't make it. He said he wanted to surprise me because he applied for another job with a better salary, but he didn't know the whole process is gonna consume his entire day that's why he couldn't come.

The perfect girlfriend would've been said it's okay and would've congratulated him but being the emotional me, who pity myself easily, I was so hurt, I felt like I was stood up. My point is I waited all day, because I believed he's gonna be here, I believed that when he says something, he's gonna do it. I cried and cried when he called me. I didn't say anything, I just let him talk. I missed him, his voice sounded so distant no matter how hard I press the phone against my ear.

I try to look on the bright side of things. He said that he's doing that for 'us'. FOR US. I'm hoping that he's starting to consider me again as the one he'll be with for a long time. The one he'll someday marry. I really hope so. The fact that he is trying his best to find a better job for us mean that he's thinking forward as well. I have to be more considerate and patient and be less of a crybaby.

Besides, I don't doubt him. I've proven my doubts wrong many times already and I'm ashamed of myself for even thinking about such things. He's back to the faithful Alex, my Alex. There are just things that keep him busy and I have to understand.

Well, it's not all about Alex that made me cry today, I'm also sad for losing all of the money I've saved in the bank for almost 3 years of working. Yep, all of it gone. P35,000 cash down the drain. That drain is the rehab. My mom is finally released today and I paid off all the bills that needs to be paid just for her to be released finally. I plan to keep some savings for myself and wait for my gramma's brother to come up with something to help us out but I can no longer bear seeing my gramma worry too much about my mom staying there for a couple more days so with eyes closed, I withdrew all the money and let them pick my mom up.

You can tell by my gramma's face how relieved and happy she was when I told her earlier that I managed to come up with enough money. If having my mom back here will make her happy, then so be it. I just can't help but be sad to realize that all my money is gone. I'm back to zero and I have to start over, all the 3 years wasted. Oh well. I have to stay at work until after May, so I can get my anniversary pay and loan thru SSS then I'll start saving some money again. Sigh.

If you'll ask me how I feel now that my mom's back? I can't tell for now, I mean I'm glad because my gramma is happy but as far as my relationship with my mom goes, I don't know how I'll feel. I want to start appreciating her, I need to change to be a better person right? So I guess I have to start with her. I have to be less mad and be more loving towards the people that loves me. Yes, that's it.

Labels: alex, change, mother, pink crimson, Rehab. CLDRC

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 5:14 PM