Prayer Vigil

03-01-2010 Monday


When there's no one else to turn to for help, I retreat to my faith and to my God. The problem that I'm facing now is something I'm dealing with alone, I don't want to bother my gramma about it and up until now, I haven't told a single soul . Well, okay there's an exception, Alex of course, is the first to know,next is my manager, who has seen me shed tears for the first time, then I broke my silence to a good friend of mine, Alpon, because I have to ask for his advice.

Whenever I would tell it to someone, my manager and Alpon for example, I always break into tears, for having to tell what I'm going through alone is painful as it is hard. They were both wonderful listeners and they gave good advice, and after talking to them, the burden in my chest would somehow lessen.

The problem is, I would feel better only for awhile, then when I lay in my bed and try to get some sleep, the pain would come and bother me again. I can't have them with me, for the most part, I'm still dealing with this alone. That's the sad truth.

I believe in Alex, but something is still bothering me. I know he has loved me less, I know that he's having doubts if I'm really the one he can be with for the rest of his life, and the fact that he has slept with another girl when we're having a really bad fight. It's all too much for me to take, I can't sleep without having nightmares, I can't free my mind from the painful thoughts and when I'm alone in my bed, happy memories of me and Alex before would bring me to tears. Why are things so easy before? Why can't we go back to those happy times?

I admit I made a mistake, I knew I've taken his love for granted, I've asked for too much, I was always nagging and suspicious and I always bring him down, hurting his ego. I remember when I would tell him that I have someone new just to hurt him, and I would let him see text messages from my guy friends, all those things that I did are all coming back to me now. It made me realize that I might've pushed him way too far for him to cheat on me. Boys, and their precious egos.

We both made a mistake. We had something really special and we almost wasted it. Now, I'm trying to rebuild it again, I'm trying to bring him back to me, to what he used to be, heavens, I'm praying for him, for us.

When I have nothing to do, I close my eyes for a prayer. I'm holding on to my faith to save our relationship. I wanted him to be the one. I will change to be a good person, even a good daughter, just to have him love me as much as I do love him.

I was thinking if him being cold to me is some sort of a punishment for me. Just a week ago, when I broke up with him, he was extremely sad about it, his last text message was that he loved me so much, even calling me 'Love' even though we've broken up. How can it be possible for him to change in a span of 7 days? Sure, we're back together but his messages are cold and if I don't remind him to tell me 'I love you', he wouldn't. I am hoping that he's just doing that to punish me, I've learned my lesson, I want my Alex back for good.

I'm holding on to my faith. I'm praying so hard for him. I need a cure for myself, strength, and some answers.

"I belong to him, he belongs to me, that's how we're supposed to be..."

Labels: alex, faith, love, pink crimson, prayer, relationships

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 9:53 PM