Whirlwind Romance

02-28-2010 Sunday

For awhile, I wasn't able to finish my writing, as you can see from my unfinished posts, and I am terribly sorry for them, I don't even know why I bother posting stuff that doesn't have an ending to it. A lot of things are bothering me, getting in my way of proper thinking, not to mention the times that I've spent crying for the pains that are breaking me to pieces. I know I have to straighten things out before I'm able to write again. Today, somehow, I feel like I can get back up on my feet and brush aside the tears.

These are all about Alex and me, and the people that could be affected in our relationship.

We broke up. I begged to win him back. There are a lot of things that are at stake now if I will only think of myself. I love him more than I could ever love someone. I need him now more than ever and I won't let us broke up again, I can't afford to have him leave me, not now.

A lot of things has changed since the last time I checked his feelings for me. He has told me that now he is unsure if I'm really the one, he said he needed to think about it, something that I said he can think about while we're still together, for the sake of certain important things.

When we talked, I asked him if he still love me, it took him awhile to answer and I fear that he might say no. I was looking in his eyes, as his eyes were frantically searching my face for a reaction. My face was trembling, tears kept on spilling out of my eyes, for I am prepared to hear him say that he doesn't love me anymore, I was half expecting that after he texted me two nights ago about how he still love me but not as much as he did before. I knew it would hurt if he said it to me face to face and I braced myself for the pain.

At first he didn't answer. I was talking and talking about my feelings for him, about how I needed him so bad and why, all while I'm sobbing in front of his face. He was staring at me the whole time I was talking, never taking his eyes off of my face. His eyes kept on staring at my forehead, then my eyes, my cheeks, every part of my face as if he's trying to memorize how horrible I look when I'm crying.

Again I asked if he still love me. He finally took me to his arms and I sobbed in his chest. 'Please answer' I begged. I faced him again and asked, he said yes he does. That was enough for me, I didn't want to confirm if he loved me less now, I'd rather not know. What matters is he still does and I will do whatever it takes for him to love me more.

He also told me something about trying to find another because I kept on hurting him, bruising his ego and putting him down. I said I don't believe that he can do that to me, I said he promised me that he's not like that, that if he didn't love me, he could've done that a long time ago and I made him say that he didn't do it, that he is faithful to me all this time. All he said was, I couldn't be too sure. I knew right then that he was about to confess a bomb that will rip my heart.

'Tell me honestly, have you had another?' I asked nervously. He hugged me and I felt him nod. I was shattered. 'Why? Why did you do it?' was all I could say as I went back to sobbing, this time it was louder and God knows it was the mightiest pain I ever felt, much worse than the pain of infected wounds from a motorcycle accident. I was crying and I couldn't seem to stop the tears anymore. He looked at me with a concerned look in his eyes, he kept on wiping the tears from both my eyes, and said that he never meant to do it. He only did it once to test himself if he can do that to leave me, but he said he can't. He can't leave me for someone else.

Then I asked, 'Are you not satisfied with me? Am I not enough?' He was using his palms to wipe my eyes, 'You are enough for me'. 'When was it and who was it?' I needed to know. He said it was when I was fighting with him and it was with an ex whom he no longer had feelings for. It was nothing, he said, nothing but a one night stand, no feelings involved. I said, 'If I do that to you, would you still accept me?' He said that as a girl, we have a lot to lose, but him as a guy has nothing to lose. He asked if I can't accept him just because of that and all I said was it hurted me so much because I never once believed that he can do that to me.

He'll never do that to me again, was his assurance. I am more than enough, he loved me and that test made him realize that he can't leave me. I have to believe in him to stop myself from crying. I hid in his arms, in his warmth and God I did believe him.

I knew part of it was my fault. I kept on accusing him of being with another even though I know he has always been faithful to me. He made me realize that I need to change myself, stop being mad to people who has helped him, learn to know how to deal with his family, and stop stirring up fights between us. I asked him what do I need to do to win back all of his love before, he said, 'Change yourself, for the better' I agreed. I promised I will change if he promise he'll be faithful again. He said it's a done deal.

'What are we now?' I finally asked before sleeping. 'M.U' mutual understanding was all he said. 'No. I want you back, you're mine, I'm yours, that's how it should be'. I kissed him and I felt him kiss me back, it was warm and passionate, like before. 'Are you mine?' I asked again. 'Yes' he finally replied, pulled me close to his warm hug and closed his eyes to sleep.

Labels: alex, change, pink crimson, relationships

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 1:47 AM