As Real as it Could Get

02-24-2010 Wednesday

There are instances when the truth is being shoved directly into your face and yet you still couldn't learn to dwell with it. It's as if you still don't believe it's existence even though you very damn well feel the truth's presence in the depths of your soul. It's not just pure denial, it's more of failure to realize the obvious fact about what's really happening to you.

God knows that I've been going through a lot these days and having one more dilemma in life is not something that I really need right now. I can't say all the details of it because this is still a blog, a public wailing wall that is out for everyone to read, and I want to keep certain things about me private. Everyone needs to have their own privacy instead of always posting everything they feel like posting without really knowing if it's something degrading about themselves or to others.

What I just wanna focus on is letting everyone feel what I'm feeling now even without knowing what exactly it is I'm going through. Does it sound like an impossible task to do? I dunno, some people can write stuff like that and I wanted to have that effect on my writing too. So will you all please lemme have a try? Ok.

The first person who blurted out the truth to me was a small woman with glasses too small for her eyes. She was slightly surprised while I showed no reaction. It feels weird when someone tells you something that half of your brain already recognized while the other half doesn't really wanna believe it. I wasn't entirely in a denial, I'm more of confused and scared to know what will happen to me next. Will this affect my future goals in life? I hope not.

The second person who confirmed it was a pleasant looking half Chinese man who has a cheerful aura around him. I am comforted at the sight of him, he looked like someone who will be a good father to his kids, a complete opposite of my own father's image. He looked excited when he told me about it, while I forced a small smile. He asked me why don't I look happy about it and I simply said that I was just surprised. That wrapped up our conversation and I wondered if I'll ever get to see him again.

After the talk I've had with those two people, I felt like I was alone again outside a cruel world. The friendly faces are gone and I feel like destiny has joked a good one on me. I could never question why it had happened to me, I guess my question would be, why did it happen now? Why not later on, when I'm well prepared to handle it?

The truth reflects in every aspect of my life. I kept on thinking about the changes that's gonna happen and it makes me more afraid to face this alone. I will never be prepared for change no matter how hard I try.

Now I can't continue, even this one. SORRY. GOD, I'm too preoccupied.

Labels: changes, pink crimson, Unfinished post

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 1:47 AM