Relationship Status: Still in Love

03-03-2010 Wednesday

Brief background check: (Forgive me for mentioning names, these are names of exes, if you see your name mentioned below, then you might remember me as the girl who ran away from everything..so yeah..sorry)

*9-10 months in the relationship: Obet was crushed when I broke up with him because of finding someone else. I felt terrible but I just did what I have to for him not be hurt any further. I know he can feel that I've become cold and our relationship isn't like before whaen we we're just starting out. He tried to make me stay but decided that he has to let me go, he did and I moved on to someone new, leaving him behind.

*8 months in a relationship: Gene was kind, faithful and our relationship was going smoothly. The only problem is, he is 1 year younger and he can't get a decent job. Looking back, the only reason why I gave up on him was I'm tired of always having to treat him out, and someone else came that was able to provide me with things I only imagined. I was materialistic at that time. I chose stuff toys, fried chicken with Coke float, and endless treats over the guy that I've established a solid relationship with. He knew he can no longer compete with someone who can provide more so he set me free.

*11 months in a relationship: Mario provided me all the good stuff, too much of a nice guy, the kind of guy you can definitely bring home to momma. However, too much can get boring. I don't know if it's just me or maybe I really wasn't taking things seriously before. I got bored with him. To think that we lasted 11 months is simply because I have no reason to break up with him. Gee, you can't just break up with someone because he's too kind, can you? He does anything I ask him to. To be honest, the feeling was starting to lessen months before, I just don't wanna hurt him that's why I stayed. Eventually, I got so bored I found someone else again.

You think I was happy for hurting all these good guys in my past? I was not. It makes me feel dirty, as if I'm jumping from one guy's bed to the other. Believe me, this change of boyfriends doesn't have any sexual relation to it. I don't have any sexual cravings, I need a stronger emotional attachment to someone, that's it.

The problem I used to have before is that after a couple of months, I always find another one while I'm still in a relationship so I ended up hurting the people I once loved. I hated myself for that and I fear that karma might strike me hard. I've seen the pain they've been through when I left them and my greatest fear is for karma to give me that same kind of pain.

Then, there's Alex. Alex came into my life without any type of warning. He didn't make a grand entrance or anything, he tiptoed inside my life and I thought he was just someone I can use to distract myself from my then boyfriend Mac. When Mac left me, Alex was there. He took all the pain I should've dealt with alone. He has loved me unconditionally and unlike my relationships before when I would fall hard the first time then lose interest as time goes by, with Alex it's different; I didn't fall for him instantly, it's something that happened slowly, unravelled sweetly, like a tulip of a flower unfolding towards the healthy sunlight.

It's March now, one more month to go and we'll be celebrating our anniversary. Guess what, it will be my first ever anniversary. It will also be my first relationship that I've had this long without falling out of love, instead I am falling more and more for him.

The more I'm realizing how much I love him, the more I'm scared of getting hurt badly. Right now, we're okay, but I think I'll never be fully happy and secured until I own him completely, ding, does anyone hear the wedding bells or is it just me? Nah, too early for that...but if the situation calls for it, why not? We'll see.

Labels: alex, Anniversary, love, months, pink crimson, relationships

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 3:51 AM