Paranoia Princess

03-08-2010 Monday

I should really start being less paranoid on things that concern Alex. We've made a pact that we'll start over, that I'll start to trust him again, and I'll be less of the insecure, suspicious nagger that I used to be, and be more of the thoughtful and understanding girlfriend that I should be.

Look what I did yesterday because of being too paranoid. I was crying, pitying myself and thinking of things that will cause me harm, worse, I almost lost my faith all at once. Jesus what was I doing? Is it the change of hormones and other shit like that? I don't know why I exaggerate the little things and when I do, I start exaggerating thoughts in my head.

Alex told me that he'll come to the house in the afternoon because he'll be doing his laundry all morning. I was too excited, I couldn't sleep. I waited. And waited. 4:00pm, I watched The Buzz while I waited. 5:00pm, I took a bath, hoping he's on his way. 6:00pm, I was starting to think negatively. 7:30, I texted him, trying to sound cool. I joked that I think it was just Saturday because I haven't seen him yet. I went berserk when he replied that he think so too. I asked him if I did anything wrong. Nope, was his short reply.

My fears returned when I noticed the lack of interest in his replies and I started thinking about him cheating. It was Sunday, it was almost evening and I knew that he should be done with the laundry by that time. My insanity added to my worries when I pictured visions of him with another girl, them walking in the mall on a lazy Sunday afternoon, them eating out, and him giving her all the attention that should've been mine.

I let all those crazy thoughts get in the way of my proper thinking so I texted Ms. Fat Bitch, she's unimportant but she's been a character in one of my posts because she's the woman that, in a way, adopted Alex in the boarding house. I asked her if Alex has another girl. She wouldn't answer till I give her all the details of what's going on. I've said it to her, and I begged her not to say anything to Alex, I just wanna know if she has another. I wasn't expecting any help from her so I cried like crazy when she answered me that she'll find out for me and let me know. In a way, I was thankful I have someone who'll keep an eye on Alex. It's not that I don't trust him, I was simply insane and eaten up by paranoia..and hormone changes if I may add.

When Alex told me he's on his way, I still cried. It was evening already and I think he's not gonna stay that long. By the time he reached our house, my eyes were puffy and red and he has this confused look on his face when he saw me. I told him it was nothing. It was time for dinner, we ate together, and halfway through the meal, my stomach kicked out all the food I just swallowed. I ran outside and vomitted. I was glad that unlike before, Alex showed more concern when he followed me with a glass of water, helped me up and asked me what would I want to eat instead.

After dinner, we sat on the floor and watched TV. I asked him what he did all day and he said that he fell asleep after washing his clothes. I can see that he was tired and he commuted on the way to our house. He said that the traffic was heavy and I glanced at the clock, it was 9:00pm, when I texted him, it was almost 8, realization hit me that he was already on his way when he replied on my first message (it takes 2 hours to commute from his house to mine). How silly of me!

He said that even though he came in late, he'll just stay for the night to make up for it and gave me a squeezing hug, as he whispered how much he missed me. I hugged him back while thinking about what I did an hour ago while he was not yet around. God, I am one crazy woman! To even think that I texted the Fat Bitch! I will just keep my fingers crossed that she wouldn't tell what she knew. If Alex finds out that I texted her and let her know, he'll be mad for sure. Oh, how I fucking hate myself for overreacting and for being too emotional, impulsive and paranoid.

I feel bad, I feel like I'm not doing my part of the promise. How can this be called starting over if I'm like this? Arrrgggh! Okay, let me take note of things I must always remember:

NOTES TO SELF:
*BE LESS paranoid!
*Trust in him because he does love you.
*Don't exaggerate and overreact!
*Stop acting like an insane bitch.
*Be understanding and patient.
*Remember that being impulsive [to elaborate-that's doing or saying things without giving it much thought,] might result to a high risk self-destruction and you don't want that do you?

Now that I have these notes, I gotta keep this in paper also. Something for me to read and remember whenever I would feel my sanity slipping from my grip. It's hard ya know? 'Specially if you've been crazy all your life. Sigh....

Labels: exaggerate, insane, overreacting, pink crimson, sanity

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 3:54 AM