NO UPDATES
08-24-2010 Tuesday
Hey, it has been awhile.. Remember me? Remember this site?
If you're patiently waiting for an update, I'm terribly sorry, but it looks like it's not gonna happen anytime soon.
A lot of things has happened since the last time I copied and pasted from my notepad to this blog. I wanted to update everyone so bad it's just that for one thing, my computer is busted right now, second, I'm back home with my gramma (!) where the nearest internet cafe is a good 5 minute walk from our house, and third, I'm currently not in my best physical fitness to walk around.
When the time is right, I'll come back with my surprising news. I've turned a new chapter in my life and it's something I'm more than excited to share...at the right time.
Let me rest in peace for now.
Labels: blogging, new chapters, pink crimson, update
Yin-Yang
08-09-2010 Monday
When light is the brightest, the shadow is the darkest..
YANG
Right before my shift ended earlier this morning, I received a message from Alpon saying that my housing loan has already been approved by Pag-Ibig (finally!) and that I need to meet up with the agent because she'll help me set up a checking account. I immediately replied, telling him I will find the time to meet up with her this Friday after my shift. He also reminded me to bring the partial payment for the miscellanous fee. Well, of course, now that I know I'm approved, I wouldn't hesitate to hand the money over.
Alpon wished me luck and he said I can text the agent if I have more questions. I didn't bother. I know she'll try to reach me anyway. I put my cellphone in my bag and walked home happily. I thought it's never gonna come to this. I've been waiting for that damn approval for months and I'm starting to get upset because it's taking too damn long compared to my colleague who got her approval in less than a month. I even came to a point when I wanted to retract the application and just reapply with another agent but they've told me that the reservation fee I've paid for is non-refundable. I almost gave up, I don't wanna worry about it when I already have a handful of things to take care of.
The agent texted me and said I should meet up with her this Friday so she can accompany me to Bulacan where I will sign some more documents, finalize the submission of all the necessary requirements and open a checking account. Looks like I'm looking forward to another hectic day on my supposed to be rest-day. Sigh. Well, I gotta take care of all this while I still can...
YIN
The church minister already knew about my case. Time to face the thing that I've been trying to run away from. I braved up and talked to him to know about what the decision is gonna be.
The deaconess who lives near our house accompanied me to the minister's office. She has set my expectations about the decision. I will be removed, regardless if Alex converts or not. That's why I need to talk to the minister directly.
Hearing the word 'removed' made me worry. I thought about my gramma. She'll be crushed if she finds out. That's all I'm thinking about as I entered the narrow office of our minister.
He was there in his chair when I came in. He gestured for me to take a seat, to which I obliged quietly. I didn't look down or anything, that would make me look too guilty. I kept my face calm, and steadied my gaze.
Sitting in the small airconditioned office, in the same chair where I sat beside Alex months before when I brought him here to listen to our preachings, I can't help but think how time flies so fast and how many things can happen over a short period of time.
He didn't scold me, didn't raise his voice, or didn't show any sign of disappointment towards me. He calmly explained how it's gonna work. I need to write a formal letter addressed to our executive minister, explaining the entire situation and ending it with what I intend to do about it. I asked him if I will be removed, he said the decision will depend on my letter and on my commitment.
The only thing that lessen my worry is when he told me that if I'll be removed, they will help me get back. If Alex doesn't want to convert and I choose to leave him, it'll only take them a month before I can go back. But, if Alex decides to convert, undergo the preachings and all, then I can go back after he converts.
I know this time is gonna come when I would have to decide. I can hide from it, but I can't completely run away from everything. Sooner or later, it will find it's way to find me. Well, here it is now, it found me. It's decision time, once again.
YIN AND YANG
One day. Two opposing forces. Something is out there, something that doesn't want me to be completely happy for one freaking day.
I need to talk this over with Alex. Dum-dum-dum.
Labels: alex, approval, housing loan, INC, Pagibig, pink crimson, religion, yin yang
Sunday at Work
08-08-2010 Sunday
Working on a Sunday? Completely inhuman!
The outside of the office building looked anything but an office. I've been trying to forget what day is it today, hoping it would make me less bitter about having to go to work while everyone else is elsewhere probably getting some. However, the sight of ELJ building today screams
'It's Sunday!!'. There's not even a single soul outside the building unlike during weekdays when the narrow stairway up the building is filled with smoke inhaling individuals. Today, no one's around except for the trusty ELJ security guards.
Alex drove me to work, and when he stopped the motorcycle, he looked around and pointed out how empty the building is. I got off of the motorcycle, took a deep breath and was all like
'I know, it's Sunday remember I'm not supposed to be working!'. He smirked, I made a face.
Before I let him go, I blabbered non-stop about the stuff he can't afford to forget while I'm gone: My newly washed clothes hanging outside the boarding house, the food I left in the pot, his dirty laundry... I'm starting to sound like a mother nagging at his son for being irresponsible but heck, I don't want things to be messed up in our room while I'm gone. I need to go back home tomorrow when I get off from work. I need to get more things done.
When he left, I had doubts if he'll remember every reminder I told him. I'm in no mood to work today. I'm tired from washing my one week's worth of dirty clothes. Remember how I wished so bad that he did the laundry yesterday? Well, it didn't happen, the laundry bin is still about to explode. Not so surprising.
I feel lightheaded but it could be worse if I didn't get any sleep in the afternoon. Good thing I did. It rained the entire day. Alex didn't go anywhere, he stayed in the room with me and watched TV. I don't have much sleep last night, even during daytime.
We had a busy day yesterday, here's a quick rundown: He picked me up at Espana, I slept for 2 hours, woke up at 8:30, prepared breakfast for both of us, went to New World Laboratory, waited in line for 3 freaking hours, had an interesting lab test, then it was done and we waited for yet another hour for the result. We had lunch before going home, watched TV, I slept for one hour, then woke up again for my check-up at Chinese General Hospital.
To be fair with Alex, I'm glad he's with me the entire day. To me it looks like he's still trying to make it up to me, or maybe he's really starting to become a more responsible guy for me..whatever, I liked the way he's treating me recently. Oh and for the record, he picked me up from work for one straight week. I'm telling you, he sleeps like a log and he would never wake up as early as 4 in the morning even if his life depended on it. This is truly phenomenal. And I appreciate everything he's doing.
Even if he still ain't got no job yet, he frequently goes to the motorcycle shop of his friend to help out and earn some money, though it's not that much, I like the fact that he doesn't want to depend on me completely when it comes to our finances. That's a good sign now isn't it?
OK. I logged in at exactly 7:00. It is now 43 minutes after 9 and I still don't have a call. Alright, I think I'm gonna have to take back my words. Working on a Sunday isn't so bad if things are gonna go as smoothly as it is now. Ahh.. Getting paid while sitting down and blogging? Things couldn't get any better than this!
Labels: alex, blogging, NCO, pink crimson, sprint, Sunday, weekend, work
Short Weekend
08-06-2010 Friday
Work had a little surprise for me when I logged in on my computer. Our schedule for next week is already posted and guess what, we'll only have one rest day for this week. Sweet. So we get off from work tomorrow, go to sleep at night, wake up the next day which is a Sunday then go to work again come night time.
I got two weeks. Two weeks is such a short time to take care of the things I need to do before I go on my long leave. Things have to be settled first, one of the most important probably is trying to find a place where we can all live together, Alex, gramma, me and my dear pets. I don't think we can all live in the house where we currently stay because it's very near our church and I know it wouldn't look good for everyone to see that Alex is living with us.
I've talked to my gramma earlier. I wanted to stay where we live right now and I know she does too but as much as we would like that, both of us know it's probably not gonna work. She said she'll try to look for some houses open to be rented around our area. I told her I'll also try to look for one in Manila then, we can decide where we can all stay. She asked me if Alex is willing to continue listening to our religion's preachings if he's gonna live with us and I told her yes even though I haven't ask Alex about it yet. I had a feeling it'll be easier to convince him now.
I've been thinking about all this as I stare blankly at my posted schedule on the computer monitor. My colleagues are talking about drinking after we get off from work later to make the most out of our one-day rest day. For a moment, I envy them. All they can think about is having fun, getting wasted, acting brainless for the short weekend while here I am, raking my brain on how I can fix my life in such a short period of time.
Short weekend=
BADI wish Alex would pick me up tomorrow. Maybe I can sleep for an hour or two before going to New World Laboratory for some lab test, then afterwards, visit my doctor in Chinese General hospital. Just thinking about what's ahead of me tomorrow is making me feel tired already. From what I can envision, I'm not gonna have much sleep in the morning, I'd be too damn drained in the evening and chances are, I might skip a meal for being too busy.
Oh gasp! I'm forgetting one more thing. The laundry. When I left the house yesterday, the laundry bin is overflowing with used clothes and I kept on urging Alex to wash them before the damn bin explodes. He always says yes he'll do it for days now and I would always go home and find it still undone. With one rest day ahead, I know I wouldn't be able to do the laundry on my own. I'm hoping so bad it's all taken care of when I go home tomorrow but I'm not really counting on it.
Boys=Laundry? IMPOSSIBLEOk, I'm gonna have to take my first break for this day. On a positive note, with my new team, I have a good shift. I start at 7 in the evening, and go out at 4 in the morning. The best time ever! We have long wait time in between calls. And time flies with this kind of schedule. It makes things more bearable at work.
That's it, bye for now, gotta grab some coffee to stay alive.
Labels: alex, laundry, leave, pink crimson, weekend, work
To Believe or Not to Believe
08-05-2010 Thursday
He said the words I've been wanting to hear... Yes, he said it again.. If this is all a dream, then, please wake me not. I'm in my little piece of paradise..For the rest of the afternoon, I was deep into unconsciousness because of my anti-histamine medicine that I took in the morning after I got home from the worship service. I was dead tired, beaten up from work and from walking home (I didn't bother waking Alex up to pick me up from the church) and my damn allergy was attacking me non-stop. I was itching like a flea-infested dog, got red spots all over my body--all this nasty result of my skin asthma, and I knew I really need to have a dose of my medicine. In short, it was a bad morning.
I dropped by the drug store, which is across the street from where I live with Alex, on my way home to buy my prescription. I've had a long morning and I don't want my allergies bothering me while I'm trying to get some sleep. Besides, this anti-histamine works like magic in making me sleep like a baby.
I was awakened by a gentle tap on my back. I forced my eyes to open, something I wish I didn't do because it sent waves of pain in my head. I saw a blurred vision of Alex, freshly bathed, with droplets of water falling from his wet hair. He was waking me up because he needed to leave and finish his clearance at Bayview.
I got up to try and talk to him about his decision of staying with my family. I told him I'll be going home tomorrow when I get off from work and I wanna confirm his intentions so I can tell my gramma about our plans. Unfortunately, he was in a hurry. He said he already cooked the rice, all I have to do is just eat, reminded me not to fall asleep again and left the house.
Sighing, I went to the kitchen to check the food. Another canned goods heated on top of the rice. I have no complains about the food we're eating, but sometimes I missed eating real cooked food, the kind that my gramma cooks for me. I grabbed the pot, brought it in the room and began eating.
How I hate it when Alex tries to cook the rice. He never gets it right no matter how many times I've told him how much water he should put in. I appreciate his effort in preparing it for me, of course, it's just that I hate it when guys don't make the extra effort to learn more in the kitchen like the girls. It may be in their nature, oh well I don't know much about cooking so who was I to throw stones?
It was raining hard again when I left the house so by the time I arrived in the office, my sneakers and jeans were all wet. I'll never be good at staying dry under an umbrella. I stayed in the recreation area since it's still too early for my shift.
When I sat down in the couch, I pulled out my cellphone and saw that I have an unread message. It was from Alex. His message said he's sure about his decision and he's asking me to find a place where he can build a shop.
Ok. Should I start believing now? ....
What about now?.....
Looks like I'm gonna have a serious talk with gramma tomorrow. I miss her, Damien and my cats so much. I'll be home for tomorrow then, I have to go back to Blumentritt on Saturday for my scheduled lab test and doctor's appointment. She'll be sad if I tell her I'm not sure about when I can visit again. I'm kinda busy with things, been trying to accomplish lots of things before I go on my long leave that I'm about to file. I plan to make it effective August 23rd. So that gives me about two weeks to take care of everything before settling down. Oh by the way, settling down for me means the time I'll be on leave, doing nothing.
He sounded so sure about living with me and my family, starting over, jumping the big leap of faith, all those happy ending crap that's starting to sound to good to be true. I'm sorry if I'm showing signs of pessimism but I've been through hell in this relationship, I've given up my hopes, I've traded happy endings to tragic ones... Too much pain, too much hate, too much of everything can change a person.
If I start to believe, I'll put my emotions down on the line. I'll risk myself getting hurt again.
And what if I don't believe? I'll be forever bothered with endless what-ifs, things that could've happened if I've been strong enough to fight for this one great love?
Questions without answers. I am officially damned.
Labels: alex, emotions, hopeful, love, pink crimson, relationships, risk
Making Up
08-03-2010 Tuesday
Alex waited in Espana for one hour. I don't know what urged him to wake up as early as 4:00 in the morning just to pick me up from work but if this is his way of trying to make it up to me, then so be it. I'm glad. That's completely fine with me.
I rendered a 30 minute overtime rather than attending my new team's post shift meeting. Oh wait, I've been too caught up with the recent incident about Alex that I forgot to mention in this blog that the team I dearly love has been dissolved. We've been dispersed to different teams. How sad. I can talk about it some other time. Too much drama makes me nauseous.
Back to what I was saying, I had no idea at all that Alex is gonna pick me up. He told me yesterday he'll try to wake up early but I've learned to not believe him whenever he would say that. He's not a morning person and waking him up in the morning is like asking a stone to move by itself.
I never thought he would wait for me that long but lo, he did. He was still there, sitting on his motorcycle, when I arrived in Espana. He stood up and stretched when he saw me got off the jeepney. I walked up to him and messed his already messy hair.
We arrived in the house while it's still dark and that's how I like it. The smell of morning coffee and hotdogs greeted me when I walked inside on the way to our room. The regular people in the boarding house are only getting started on their day while here I am, drained and eager to lie in bed to sleep. It reminds me how much I hate working during the night.
I took a quick shower, changed into a loose shirt and a clean pair of shorts, and sat on the bed beside Alex. He's watching another boring motorcycle race on TV. Why did I call it boring? Imagine a race having 40 laps? There's even one with 60 laps. It's too tiring to watch a race that long.
He pulled me closer, whispered 'I love you' in my ear and kissed my cheek. I raised an eyebrow. He sure is acting pretty sweet. Part of trying to make it up to me? Whatever.
I lie down in bed, hugged the pillow and slept. I still have some thinking to do when I have enough strength for it.
Labels: alex, Blumentritt, espana, making it work, motorcycle, pink crimson, relationships
The Confession
08-02-2010 Monday
Love is powerful. Love can make you forgive in more ways you can ever imagine. Love can make you stay no matter how much you wanted to just turn around and walk away. Love is powerful.
For some weird reason, the alleged incident which involved Alex and the girl next room to us turned out to be a good thing. Not that I would like this to happen again or I'm thankful that it happened, I'm just surprised to find out that fate can also work with me if it wants to.
What makes it a good thing? Well, first, it made him decide he's willing to go with me wherever I decide to go. Second, I realized I love him so much I want the best for him even if it means we're not gonna be together, which means I'm no longer loving selfishly. And third, the oddest thing is it made the bond between us stronger. How can one bad incident turn into something positive? Do you have any idea what complicated means? Come here, I'll tell you all about it.
I thought he'll never budge. He's firm, he's able to look directly in my eyes when he's answering my questions about the incident. I could no longer hold it back. I have to be blunt, and straight to the point. I beat around the bush a bit, but realized it's useless because he's not gonna confess with that.
I can tell when he's lying about something. Even though he's able to look straight into my eyes, he acts irritated about my repeated questions, he said those people are just making it up, and I kept on asking him and he's getting angrier but I know he's starting to give in. I finalyl told him everything I knew. He looked surprised, telling me such things did not happen.
"If you tell me those things didn't happen then, I believe you. But if I do believe you, and stand up for you, am I not gonna be embarassed in front of these people? They talked to Chairman Warren, he knows all about your records. If I tell him they're only making it up, will he believe me?" I asked him.
He studied my face and didn't say anything.
"Tell me everything. I'm willing to forgive you, that's how much I love you. I have the right to know. These people are thinking about me, that's the only reason why they're not taking you to jail yet. They know about my situation. Love, do you realize that if it wasn't for me, you'd be in jail by now?" I said, holding his face down so he can meet my eyes.
I said the magic words. The gravity of the situation finally hit him. The look on his face told me he's guilty.
"Why, love? Why did you do that?" I started to leak, God, I thought I'm numbed.
He pulled me closer and hugged me tight. "I was drunk.."
"I can forgive you. I was just thinking, what if it's another girl? What if it's some whorish chick and something did happen? Will I still be able to forgive?" I paused, "I guess I will..sheesh.. I can't believe I love you that much." I cried even though I didn't want to.
He rubbed my back and stroked my hair. "Love..."
I pushed myself away from him, "So now tell me, what do you want me to do? What will I tell them? You know I'm a girl, if I was abused like that, I will fight for my right. I will go for doing the right thing, even if it means giving you up."
He looked worried, "You will let them put me to jail?"
I nodded sadly, "If that's the only way for you to learn your lesson, Love..."
His face fell, "Love..." he hugged me again, "I don't want to go to jail..." his voice shook.
I pity him. I never heard him sound so afraid and defeated. I thought he's not afraid of the law? I remember before, when I asked my cousin who's a policeman to talk to him, he said before he's not afraid of anyone, not even police or breaking the law... Now, am I seeing the real him?
"But why... Why did you do that? I thought you're changing to become a better person.. I thought you're starting to love me again.."
He didn't know what to say at first. His eyes searched my face, as if making sure that I'm serious about letting other people take him to jail. I met his gaze, I didn't blink, I stared at him for a long time until he dropped his gaze.
"Love, I don't want to go to jail.. I'm so sorry. I will change.. I will talk to them to apologize..." he looked as if he's about to cry.
"When do you plan to change? How many times do I have to forgive you?"
"I don't want to go to jail.." he kept on repeating sounding more afraid.
I pity him even more. I held him tight, and stroked his hair. "Alright.. The other option they told me is that we need to leave this place once I've settled everything. I told them I plan to go home anyway, and they asked me about you, and I know you wouldn't wanna go with me so you might stay upstairs just like before. But, they said they wouldn't allow you to stay in this boarding house anymore." I sighed. "It's up to you now. I want you to leave you in a good state of being when I go home."
"No Love.. I will go with you." he said.
I looked up at him, "Are you serious?"
"Yes Love, I will go with you.." he repeated, "If you want, let's leave them today and go home to your gramma.."
I've been praying to hear those words from him, and I almost gave up my hopes that he'll ever consider living with me and my family. But now, he's saying it. Is he for real? All those talks about living in the house I got thru my housing loan, the business of motorcycle spare parts, the happily ever after story of us? So he's really serious about all of that?
"You really serious about this Love?" I asked again.
"Yes." he answered firmly.
I heaved a long sigh. "Okay. I'll figure something out when I go home this weekend. Don't you worry now, okay? We'll get through this together."
I finally saw his face lit up a bit, "Thank you Love. I'm sorry again and..really.. Thank you... I love you so much."
Change of plans. A start of something new. A slight glimpse of hope. Nothing remains the same. Change is always expected. Moving on, moving forward...
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.. 1,2,3,4...
Labels: alex, confession, incident, jail, obscenities, pink crimson, relationships
Plan A? Plan B?
08-01-2010 Sunday
I've been trying to get Alex to confess to me since yesterday but I always fail. He wouldn't budge even though I noticed he's becoming more and more bothered, like when we went to Tutuban earlier, I know he is with me but he looked like his mind is elsewhere.
Also, another weird thing I noticed was he talked to me about wanting to go home to my gramma. I shot him a confused look, and asked him why. He said he wanted to rest in a different place because the boarding house is getting too noisy. Not so him. As far as I can remember, he doesn't want to be there in our house, he used to say it's far away from everything, it's almost a remote place yada yada. And now, he's wanting to go there?
I told him he needs to get some sleep then, we'll talk about going home when he wake up. I thought has has forgotten it but when we were watching a late night TV show, he brought it up again. He began talking about living in a different place with me and my family. He asked about my housing loan. He told me he wanted to live in the house that I will purchase, and he can just do business of spare motorcycle parts there. That's in Bulacan! Seriously?! I thought he doesn't like being away from Manila?!
Oh and wait a minute. He's talking about a future with me? Am I really hearing him right?
I asked him more than three times if he's sure about what he's saying and he said yes all the time. Seriously?! I wanted to think that he's only wanting to hide, to run away from the people he has abused, but there's something in the way he talk that tells me he meant every word.
Even though I'm so close to believing him, I held back. We still have this incident matter at hand, and I have to remember that I am betrayed by this guy whom I love so much so while this things are not yet settled, then, I have to be more careful in trusting him. He needs to prove himself over again, then, we're back to square one.
Labels: alex, Blumentritt, bothered, confession, incident, obscenities, pink crimson, tutuban
Weighing Things
07-31-2010 Saturday
She's a petite, small, demure and quiet chick who's a year younger than me. She has lived in the house for years, with her step sister, who's treating her like a housemaid. Kind of like a little Cinderella story, and she does act like a shy princess, not the whorish type who gets laid easily.
I'm thinking, why her? Or shall I be glad that it is her, the conservative type, far from being whorish?
About her looks, well, she's kinda cute I must admit. Not the cute you'd easily notice, it's the kind of looks that you will appreciate more if you stare at her long enough. Her expressive eyes are pretty noticeable, though.
I was looking at her eyes the whole time we were talking. I told her to tell me everything about the 'incident', don't hold back any piece of information from me, I have to know everything. I'm glad she did. Things became more clear.
I wondered how I managed to numb myself from feeling any pain as she told me how it all happened. Maybe it's because pain has become a regular emotion for me that I'm starting to get used to it? Yeah, maybe I think that's it.
When she's done talking, I knew my face was bland because she has this surprised look on her small face. She said she's not expecting me to take the situation lightly, I smiled at her remark.
"You know what? With everything I've been through with Alex, it will be no surprise that I'm somehow numbed. Besides, I'm a girl like you, if I'm the one violated like that, I'd be so pissed. I wouldn't stand up for him if I know he's the one who did wrong." I said, surprised that my voice didn't falter.
Her face lightened up, "Wow, you're so kind and strong... I really don't wanna bring up this matter because we are worried about your condition..but, I.. I just need to share it to somebody...."
"I understand. If it was me, I wouldn't take it sitting down, I would fight for my right as a woman." I felt my face flush. Anger? Probably. "So what will it be?"
She looked down, "My sister told me it's either they put him to jail...or they'll ask him to leave the boarding house for good...."
"I'm okay with the jail thing." I said firmly. "If that's what needs to be done for him to learn his lesson. Besides, I don't plan on staying here anyway. I will go home once everything's settled."
She was quiet for a moment.
"Tell your sister what we've talked about today. I talked to Alex yesterday but he didn't confess anything, I'll talking to him again. In the meantime, we'll try to figure out what will be the best for everyone." those are my final words.
I felt betrayed. After hearing the whole thing straight from the horse's mouth, I have no doubt now that Alex hid these things from me. That's why he looked bothered last night. That's why he looked like he was avoiding something or someone. I am mad, I pity him, I feel bad for the girl... I'm feeling everything except for pain.
I wonder if somehow Alex has any dual personality disorder because the Alex I'm with is completely different from the Alex that they're describing to me. There's no way that sweet Alex of mine could do such obscene things. I felt his sincerity, it's impossible that he faked all the good things I've seen him do. How can these things be possible?
The answers to all my questions didn't come. I decided to get some sleep. If I continue thinking too hard, I might end up a crazybitch like my mother. Who knows, maybe the answer will come when I wake up...
Labels: alex, incident, jail, obscenities, pink crimson
Shattered
07-30-2010 Friday
In hopes of still keeping some things private, I decided to leave some details out in this post. Read between the lines, if you could.
I got a shocking news about Alex today, which until now, I'm having a hard time believing if I did hear the right thing. All I wanted is to have a peaceful rest day, but I should've known that with this kind of life I have, no day is ever predictable.
Everything was fairly okay, I was able to sleep well while Alex was away trying to make some money. I was not prepared at all for what was about to come. If there ever was a premonition, it doesn't look like that, everything looked as normal as it could be, even when the people who live in the next room asked for Alex's cellphone number, it didn't struck me as odd.
One of the boarders called me while I was fixing the bed. I usually leave the door open so it wasn't hard for them to find me. He told me Lesbo Bitch was calling me upstairs. I was curious on why would she wanna talk to me, we recently paid the rent, so I knew it's not about money, I was simply curious, it didn't occur to me that something is very wrong. There were no warning signs as I walk up the stairs.
Lesbo Bitch sat up on the bed when she saw me peek in her room. She has this weary look on her shitty face but still, I didn't take it as a bad sign, the weary look matches her face just fine.
"Have a seat." she adjusted her fat ass in the bed, and motioned for me to seat on the edge of it.
I did.
"It's about Alex." she said, looking really serious. "I should've told you some of these things before. I guess it slipped my mind. Now that something happened again, I realized I should tell you everything."
She began telling me about the incident that happened while I was gone, and also, some of it, while I was just in the room, asleep. Then, she went on telling me about the things that has happened before when Alex was still staying in the room beside hers. While she was telling me all the censored details about every incident, I felt like my entire world was slowly being shattered. Part of me wondered if she was really referring to MY Alex.
I was half listening to her when she got to the part where she was asking me if I'm really sure about wanting to be with Alex for good. I was thinking if she's telling me all this for me to leave Alex, to go home back to my parents, because that thought is far more acceptable rather than accepting everything she was telling me.
I could feel myself sweating. I waited for the pain to come. Surprisingly, it didn't. I'm guessing it will come after my denial stage. Yes, I am in denial about the whole thing. I find it hard to believe that Alex would do that to me, impossible. I've seen him trying to change himself to be a better person, matter of fact, he's trying his best to get a job for us. I'm sure he wouldn't do those obscenities. He wouldn't hurt me now, would he?
After talking to Lesbo, I went back to our room downstairs. This incident involved the people next room to us. They were in the dining table just outside our room. I couldn't face them. As much as I would like to talk to them, especially the girl who was supposedly violated, I couldn't find the strength to do so. I wanna know the entire story, but I'm not ready yet. The initial heads up was already too much to take. I can only take one pain at a time. Maybe I can talk to her tomorrow.
When Alex came home, I pretended to act like the usual. We had dinner. We had regular talks eventhough I can already feel him being slightly bothered about something.
Before going to sleep, I decided to talk to him seriously, trying to get him to 'fess up.
"Do you have any problem, Love?" I asked, holding his face.
He shook his head no.
"Tell me everything ok? I will understand. I'm here." I said.
He nodded.
"Love, do you love me?"
"Yes. Very much." he replied, kissing the tip of my nose.
"Love, you wouldn't do anything to hurt me, right?" I asked.
"Of course." he said.
I wanted to believe him. But why would these people make up stories like that against him? "You know, I appreciate all your efforts. I can see you're changing back to the Alex that I've fallen in love with a year ago..and I love you more for that. If you have any problems, lemme know ok? I'm always here for you. You promised me you wouldn't hurt me anymore, and I believe you. You wouldn't break a promise right?"
"Yes." he said, hugging me.
"Fine. Good night." I closed my eyes, but I didn't fell asleep immediately. My mind is filled with unwanted thoughts. It's agonizing. I can't wait for tomorrow to come. I have to talk to certain people. I have to listen to everyone involved, maybe with that, I'll get a better understanding on this matter.
Labels: alex, bitch, lesbo, obscenities, pink crimson, revelation, shattered
Stone Walls
07-28-2010 Wednesday
Talking to my mother has become similar to talking to a huge brick. Not only that, there seem to be an invisible wall around her that blocks any human thoughts, feelings or emotions. I wonder if it's still part of her being Bipolar or it could also be possible that for some strange reason, my real mother has been replaced by this walking stone statue. Where did my biological mother go? Did she die without us knowing?
I always expect some miracle whenever I would go home. I'm always hoping to see her back on her feet, walking, talking, taking care of the house chores just like a regular mother would. But, she never fails to disappoint me. The more I see her failing me and my gramma, the more I'm hating her. Now, my hate is to the point that I no longer have any sympathy towards her. I no longer blame her sickness for this, I blame her and her weakness. She's letting herself be defeated, actually from the looks of it, I can tell that she has already given up.
To be honest, I couldn't care less about her. If you ask me what my decision for her would be, I'll say I want to throw her away in some rehabilitation center, and let some volunteer take care of her, at least those volunteers would probably not care if she'll do nothing but sleep all fucking day. The reason why I couldn't do that is because of my gramma who still cares a lot about her. My gramma who's also hoping to see her fully recover. My gramma who's doing all the hardwork in the house, covering up her lazy fucking ass.
Our family has been through a lot. It has created a damage inside me but this is nothing compared to the pain that my gramma has endured throughout the years. If there's someone in our family that deserves a happy ending, it's my gramma. She has sacrificed a lot for us, she's got the strongest and most compassionate heart out of anyone I've ever known.
That's why it pisses me the most to think that my gramma does all the hardwork in the house while my mother does nothing but be a fucking stone. I am home today and I woke up to the sound of my gramma crying in the bathroom while she does the laundry. She's tired of our situation, she's tired of having to do everything, she's tired of seeing my mother give up and be defeated by the sickness over and over.
I went to the laundry to comfort her. I talked to her, asked her what she wanted to do with my mother. I told her that if my mother is not gonna change before August ends, then I'm gonna have to kick her ass back to the rehab and we'll live here together, the two of us, plus my cats and Damien. I told her to not worry about me, I'm fine with working, I only want her to be able to get some rest, take a break from all the hardwork she's doing, but with my lazy mom around, that's far from being possible.
She decided to talk to my mom, while I'm in the house. The stone moved from it's original position in the seat outside, sat on the floor near the door and froze. My gramma did the talking. I stared at the person I still call mom, wondering if she'll feel cold to my hands if I touch her. After my gramma was done talking, she asked her what she plans to do with her life. One of them has to get a job. She's still sick, so yeah fine, my gramma said she's willing to work, if in return, my mom will do all the chores in the house, from cooking to cleaning then she asked if my mom could think of anything else to do.
I almost exploded when I heard my mom respond
"What else is there to do?"I bit my lip to keep myself from shouting obscenities at her. If I didn't stop myself, I could've shouted different kinds of curses at her, and I would've probably grab her around the neck, and just choke her to death. Maybe that will bring some sense back into her little rotting brain.
What's with that question, what else is there to do? Lemme tell you, you li'l lazyass bitch, A LOT. Like shall we start with you getting a job? Or, or if not, then maybe be a mother to me even for once? Ohh wait, I got a better idea, why not start with sewing yourself back together, you crazy bitch?I didn't shout..I stopped myself in time. I told her she needs to think about what she needs to do. If I don't get a clear answer before my scheduled unpaid leave, then I'm gonna have to bring my gramma with me to Manila and she can find a way to live on her own. It sounded harsh, even to my own ears but I don't care. I want her to understand that I mean what I'm saying. If she's not gonna help herself, then, I'm not gonna help her. I'm done trying to understand a person who don't even understand her own self.
I'm the bad daughter, yes I am.The conversation ended with no valid response from the statue. I wonder where I got the strength to hold back the words I wanna blurt out to her face. I'm usually not good at keeping my mouth shut. I guess I'm just concerned that she'll go crazybitch on us if I did say the things in my head. I'd rather deal with a stone than a bitch-gone-crazy episode of her.
She's officially insane. I'm officially the foe. We're a happy family, aren't we? Lalalalala..
Labels: ANGER, BITCH. mother, daughter, family, fury, HATE, pink crimson
