To Believe or Not to Believe

08-05-2010 Thursday

He said the words I've been wanting to hear...
Yes, he said it again..
If this is all a dream, then, please wake me not.
I'm in my little piece of paradise..


For the rest of the afternoon, I was deep into unconsciousness because of my anti-histamine medicine that I took in the morning after I got home from the worship service. I was dead tired, beaten up from work and from walking home (I didn't bother waking Alex up to pick me up from the church) and my damn allergy was attacking me non-stop. I was itching like a flea-infested dog, got red spots all over my body--all this nasty result of my skin asthma, and I knew I really need to have a dose of my medicine. In short, it was a bad morning.

I dropped by the drug store, which is across the street from where I live with Alex, on my way home to buy my prescription. I've had a long morning and I don't want my allergies bothering me while I'm trying to get some sleep. Besides, this anti-histamine works like magic in making me sleep like a baby.

I was awakened by a gentle tap on my back. I forced my eyes to open, something I wish I didn't do because it sent waves of pain in my head. I saw a blurred vision of Alex, freshly bathed, with droplets of water falling from his wet hair. He was waking me up because he needed to leave and finish his clearance at Bayview.

I got up to try and talk to him about his decision of staying with my family. I told him I'll be going home tomorrow when I get off from work and I wanna confirm his intentions so I can tell my gramma about our plans. Unfortunately, he was in a hurry. He said he already cooked the rice, all I have to do is just eat, reminded me not to fall asleep again and left the house.

Sighing, I went to the kitchen to check the food. Another canned goods heated on top of the rice. I have no complains about the food we're eating, but sometimes I missed eating real cooked food, the kind that my gramma cooks for me. I grabbed the pot, brought it in the room and began eating.

How I hate it when Alex tries to cook the rice. He never gets it right no matter how many times I've told him how much water he should put in. I appreciate his effort in preparing it for me, of course, it's just that I hate it when guys don't make the extra effort to learn more in the kitchen like the girls. It may be in their nature, oh well I don't know much about cooking so who was I to throw stones?

It was raining hard again when I left the house so by the time I arrived in the office, my sneakers and jeans were all wet. I'll never be good at staying dry under an umbrella. I stayed in the recreation area since it's still too early for my shift.

When I sat down in the couch, I pulled out my cellphone and saw that I have an unread message. It was from Alex. His message said he's sure about his decision and he's asking me to find a place where he can build a shop.

Ok. Should I start believing now? ....

What about now?

.....

Looks like I'm gonna have a serious talk with gramma tomorrow. I miss her, Damien and my cats so much. I'll be home for tomorrow then, I have to go back to Blumentritt on Saturday for my scheduled lab test and doctor's appointment. She'll be sad if I tell her I'm not sure about when I can visit again. I'm kinda busy with things, been trying to accomplish lots of things before I go on my long leave that I'm about to file. I plan to make it effective August 23rd. So that gives me about two weeks to take care of everything before settling down. Oh by the way, settling down for me means the time I'll be on leave, doing nothing.

He sounded so sure about living with me and my family, starting over, jumping the big leap of faith, all those happy ending crap that's starting to sound to good to be true. I'm sorry if I'm showing signs of pessimism but I've been through hell in this relationship, I've given up my hopes, I've traded happy endings to tragic ones... Too much pain, too much hate, too much of everything can change a person.

If I start to believe, I'll put my emotions down on the line. I'll risk myself getting hurt again.

And what if I don't believe? I'll be forever bothered with endless what-ifs, things that could've happened if I've been strong enough to fight for this one great love?

Questions without answers. I am officially damned.

Labels: alex, emotions, hopeful, love, pink crimson, relationships, risk

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 10:39 AM