The Confession

08-02-2010 Monday

Love is powerful. Love can make you forgive in more ways you can ever imagine. Love can make you stay no matter how much you wanted to just turn around and walk away. Love is powerful.


For some weird reason, the alleged incident which involved Alex and the girl next room to us turned out to be a good thing. Not that I would like this to happen again or I'm thankful that it happened, I'm just surprised to find out that fate can also work with me if it wants to.

What makes it a good thing? Well, first, it made him decide he's willing to go with me wherever I decide to go. Second, I realized I love him so much I want the best for him even if it means we're not gonna be together, which means I'm no longer loving selfishly. And third, the oddest thing is it made the bond between us stronger. How can one bad incident turn into something positive? Do you have any idea what complicated means? Come here, I'll tell you all about it.

I thought he'll never budge. He's firm, he's able to look directly in my eyes when he's answering my questions about the incident. I could no longer hold it back. I have to be blunt, and straight to the point. I beat around the bush a bit, but realized it's useless because he's not gonna confess with that.

I can tell when he's lying about something. Even though he's able to look straight into my eyes, he acts irritated about my repeated questions, he said those people are just making it up, and I kept on asking him and he's getting angrier but I know he's starting to give in. I finalyl told him everything I knew. He looked surprised, telling me such things did not happen.

"If you tell me those things didn't happen then, I believe you. But if I do believe you, and stand up for you, am I not gonna be embarassed in front of these people? They talked to Chairman Warren, he knows all about your records. If I tell him they're only making it up, will he believe me?" I asked him.

He studied my face and didn't say anything.

"Tell me everything. I'm willing to forgive you, that's how much I love you. I have the right to know. These people are thinking about me, that's the only reason why they're not taking you to jail yet. They know about my situation. Love, do you realize that if it wasn't for me, you'd be in jail by now?" I said, holding his face down so he can meet my eyes.

I said the magic words. The gravity of the situation finally hit him. The look on his face told me he's guilty.

"Why, love? Why did you do that?" I started to leak, God, I thought I'm numbed.

He pulled me closer and hugged me tight. "I was drunk.."

"I can forgive you. I was just thinking, what if it's another girl? What if it's some whorish chick and something did happen? Will I still be able to forgive?" I paused, "I guess I will..sheesh.. I can't believe I love you that much." I cried even though I didn't want to.

He rubbed my back and stroked my hair. "Love..."

I pushed myself away from him, "So now tell me, what do you want me to do? What will I tell them? You know I'm a girl, if I was abused like that, I will fight for my right. I will go for doing the right thing, even if it means giving you up."

He looked worried, "You will let them put me to jail?"

I nodded sadly, "If that's the only way for you to learn your lesson, Love..."

His face fell, "Love..." he hugged me again, "I don't want to go to jail..." his voice shook.

I pity him. I never heard him sound so afraid and defeated. I thought he's not afraid of the law? I remember before, when I asked my cousin who's a policeman to talk to him, he said before he's not afraid of anyone, not even police or breaking the law... Now, am I seeing the real him?

"But why... Why did you do that? I thought you're changing to become a better person.. I thought you're starting to love me again.."

He didn't know what to say at first. His eyes searched my face, as if making sure that I'm serious about letting other people take him to jail. I met his gaze, I didn't blink, I stared at him for a long time until he dropped his gaze.

"Love, I don't want to go to jail.. I'm so sorry. I will change.. I will talk to them to apologize..." he looked as if he's about to cry.

"When do you plan to change? How many times do I have to forgive you?"

"I don't want to go to jail.." he kept on repeating sounding more afraid.

I pity him even more. I held him tight, and stroked his hair. "Alright.. The other option they told me is that we need to leave this place once I've settled everything. I told them I plan to go home anyway, and they asked me about you, and I know you wouldn't wanna go with me so you might stay upstairs just like before. But, they said they wouldn't allow you to stay in this boarding house anymore." I sighed. "It's up to you now. I want you to leave you in a good state of being when I go home."

"No Love.. I will go with you." he said.

I looked up at him, "Are you serious?"

"Yes Love, I will go with you.." he repeated, "If you want, let's leave them today and go home to your gramma.."

I've been praying to hear those words from him, and I almost gave up my hopes that he'll ever consider living with me and my family. But now, he's saying it. Is he for real? All those talks about living in the house I got thru my housing loan, the business of motorcycle spare parts, the happily ever after story of us? So he's really serious about all of that?

"You really serious about this Love?" I asked again.

"Yes." he answered firmly.

I heaved a long sigh. "Okay. I'll figure something out when I go home this weekend. Don't you worry now, okay? We'll get through this together."

I finally saw his face lit up a bit, "Thank you Love. I'm sorry again and..really.. Thank you... I love you so much."

Change of plans. A start of something new. A slight glimpse of hope. Nothing remains the same. Change is always expected. Moving on, moving forward...

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.. 1,2,3,4...

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posted by Monica-Lynne @ 2:53 AM 0 Comments

Plan A? Plan B?

08-01-2010 Sunday

I've been trying to get Alex to confess to me since yesterday but I always fail. He wouldn't budge even though I noticed he's becoming more and more bothered, like when we went to Tutuban earlier, I know he is with me but he looked like his mind is elsewhere.

Also, another weird thing I noticed was he talked to me about wanting to go home to my gramma. I shot him a confused look, and asked him why. He said he wanted to rest in a different place because the boarding house is getting too noisy. Not so him. As far as I can remember, he doesn't want to be there in our house, he used to say it's far away from everything, it's almost a remote place yada yada. And now, he's wanting to go there?

I told him he needs to get some sleep then, we'll talk about going home when he wake up. I thought has has forgotten it but when we were watching a late night TV show, he brought it up again. He began talking about living in a different place with me and my family. He asked about my housing loan. He told me he wanted to live in the house that I will purchase, and he can just do business of spare motorcycle parts there. That's in Bulacan! Seriously?! I thought he doesn't like being away from Manila?!

Oh and wait a minute. He's talking about a future with me? Am I really hearing him right?

I asked him more than three times if he's sure about what he's saying and he said yes all the time. Seriously?! I wanted to think that he's only wanting to hide, to run away from the people he has abused, but there's something in the way he talk that tells me he meant every word.

Even though I'm so close to believing him, I held back. We still have this incident matter at hand, and I have to remember that I am betrayed by this guy whom I love so much so while this things are not yet settled, then, I have to be more careful in trusting him. He needs to prove himself over again, then, we're back to square one.

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posted by Monica-Lynne @ 2:51 AM 0 Comments

Weighing Things

07-31-2010 Saturday

She's a petite, small, demure and quiet chick who's a year younger than me. She has lived in the house for years, with her step sister, who's treating her like a housemaid. Kind of like a little Cinderella story, and she does act like a shy princess, not the whorish type who gets laid easily.

I'm thinking, why her? Or shall I be glad that it is her, the conservative type, far from being whorish?

About her looks, well, she's kinda cute I must admit. Not the cute you'd easily notice, it's the kind of looks that you will appreciate more if you stare at her long enough. Her expressive eyes are pretty noticeable, though.

I was looking at her eyes the whole time we were talking. I told her to tell me everything about the 'incident', don't hold back any piece of information from me, I have to know everything. I'm glad she did. Things became more clear.

I wondered how I managed to numb myself from feeling any pain as she told me how it all happened. Maybe it's because pain has become a regular emotion for me that I'm starting to get used to it? Yeah, maybe I think that's it.

When she's done talking, I knew my face was bland because she has this surprised look on her small face. She said she's not expecting me to take the situation lightly, I smiled at her remark.

"You know what? With everything I've been through with Alex, it will be no surprise that I'm somehow numbed. Besides, I'm a girl like you, if I'm the one violated like that, I'd be so pissed. I wouldn't stand up for him if I know he's the one who did wrong." I said, surprised that my voice didn't falter.

Her face lightened up, "Wow, you're so kind and strong... I really don't wanna bring up this matter because we are worried about your condition..but, I.. I just need to share it to somebody...."

"I understand. If it was me, I wouldn't take it sitting down, I would fight for my right as a woman." I felt my face flush. Anger? Probably. "So what will it be?"

She looked down, "My sister told me it's either they put him to jail...or they'll ask him to leave the boarding house for good...."

"I'm okay with the jail thing." I said firmly. "If that's what needs to be done for him to learn his lesson. Besides, I don't plan on staying here anyway. I will go home once everything's settled."

She was quiet for a moment.

"Tell your sister what we've talked about today. I talked to Alex yesterday but he didn't confess anything, I'll talking to him again. In the meantime, we'll try to figure out what will be the best for everyone." those are my final words.

I felt betrayed. After hearing the whole thing straight from the horse's mouth, I have no doubt now that Alex hid these things from me. That's why he looked bothered last night. That's why he looked like he was avoiding something or someone. I am mad, I pity him, I feel bad for the girl... I'm feeling everything except for pain.

I wonder if somehow Alex has any dual personality disorder because the Alex I'm with is completely different from the Alex that they're describing to me. There's no way that sweet Alex of mine could do such obscene things. I felt his sincerity, it's impossible that he faked all the good things I've seen him do. How can these things be possible?

The answers to all my questions didn't come. I decided to get some sleep. If I continue thinking too hard, I might end up a crazybitch like my mother. Who knows, maybe the answer will come when I wake up...

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posted by Monica-Lynne @ 2:35 AM 0 Comments

Shattered

07-30-2010 Friday

In hopes of still keeping some things private, I decided to leave some details out in this post. Read between the lines, if you could.

I got a shocking news about Alex today, which until now, I'm having a hard time believing if I did hear the right thing. All I wanted is to have a peaceful rest day, but I should've known that with this kind of life I have, no day is ever predictable.

Everything was fairly okay, I was able to sleep well while Alex was away trying to make some money. I was not prepared at all for what was about to come. If there ever was a premonition, it doesn't look like that, everything looked as normal as it could be, even when the people who live in the next room asked for Alex's cellphone number, it didn't struck me as odd.

One of the boarders called me while I was fixing the bed. I usually leave the door open so it wasn't hard for them to find me. He told me Lesbo Bitch was calling me upstairs. I was curious on why would she wanna talk to me, we recently paid the rent, so I knew it's not about money, I was simply curious, it didn't occur to me that something is very wrong. There were no warning signs as I walk up the stairs.

Lesbo Bitch sat up on the bed when she saw me peek in her room. She has this weary look on her shitty face but still, I didn't take it as a bad sign, the weary look matches her face just fine.

"Have a seat." she adjusted her fat ass in the bed, and motioned for me to seat on the edge of it.

I did.

"It's about Alex." she said, looking really serious. "I should've told you some of these things before. I guess it slipped my mind. Now that something happened again, I realized I should tell you everything."

She began telling me about the incident that happened while I was gone, and also, some of it, while I was just in the room, asleep. Then, she went on telling me about the things that has happened before when Alex was still staying in the room beside hers. While she was telling me all the censored details about every incident, I felt like my entire world was slowly being shattered. Part of me wondered if she was really referring to MY Alex.

I was half listening to her when she got to the part where she was asking me if I'm really sure about wanting to be with Alex for good. I was thinking if she's telling me all this for me to leave Alex, to go home back to my parents, because that thought is far more acceptable rather than accepting everything she was telling me.

I could feel myself sweating. I waited for the pain to come. Surprisingly, it didn't. I'm guessing it will come after my denial stage. Yes, I am in denial about the whole thing. I find it hard to believe that Alex would do that to me, impossible. I've seen him trying to change himself to be a better person, matter of fact, he's trying his best to get a job for us. I'm sure he wouldn't do those obscenities. He wouldn't hurt me now, would he?

After talking to Lesbo, I went back to our room downstairs. This incident involved the people next room to us. They were in the dining table just outside our room. I couldn't face them. As much as I would like to talk to them, especially the girl who was supposedly violated, I couldn't find the strength to do so. I wanna know the entire story, but I'm not ready yet. The initial heads up was already too much to take. I can only take one pain at a time. Maybe I can talk to her tomorrow.

When Alex came home, I pretended to act like the usual. We had dinner. We had regular talks eventhough I can already feel him being slightly bothered about something.

Before going to sleep, I decided to talk to him seriously, trying to get him to 'fess up.

"Do you have any problem, Love?" I asked, holding his face.

He shook his head no.

"Tell me everything ok? I will understand. I'm here." I said.

He nodded.

"Love, do you love me?"

"Yes. Very much." he replied, kissing the tip of my nose.

"Love, you wouldn't do anything to hurt me, right?" I asked.

"Of course." he said.

I wanted to believe him. But why would these people make up stories like that against him? "You know, I appreciate all your efforts. I can see you're changing back to the Alex that I've fallen in love with a year ago..and I love you more for that. If you have any problems, lemme know ok? I'm always here for you. You promised me you wouldn't hurt me anymore, and I believe you. You wouldn't break a promise right?"

"Yes." he said, hugging me.

"Fine. Good night." I closed my eyes, but I didn't fell asleep immediately. My mind is filled with unwanted thoughts. It's agonizing. I can't wait for tomorrow to come. I have to talk to certain people. I have to listen to everyone involved, maybe with that, I'll get a better understanding on this matter.

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posted by Monica-Lynne @ 2:31 AM 0 Comments



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