Planning Ahead
02-17-2010 Wednesday
It feels wonderful to finally have a clear goal in life, not a short-term kind of goal, something real, and reachable, given the right length of time. It's gonna take awhile to complete that goal but what matters is I'm gonna start it now, at my age, while all the others wait around and waste their time.
Getting that house is all I have to think about to be driven in going to work. Even though I still feel sick, I went to work today and I'm here, typing effortlessly, not wanting to stop bragging about my future plans. There's no one to share it with but you guys, you dear readers/followers. The one person I thought would appreciate me sharing this, turned out to be uninterested, so I have to erase him out of my 'important people included in my future' list.
I am still sick to my stomach. I went to the doctor yesterday and found out I have Acute Gastro-oh shit I forgot,something-something. I can't eat a lot, when I get hungry, I should eat slow, one bite at a time, and I should take some medications for me not to throw up the food I just ate. The doctor suggested I should take a leave and not force myself to work, I just nodded, but in my mind, I plan to take a day off then go back to work. Goals, remember?
Had it been me before, who has no goals or anything, I could've kissed that doctor who gave me 3-5 days rest but now is different. I have to go to work to earn money, to get my salary, to get the house. There's a lot of things to think about. I took a 1 day rest yesterday, and since I didn't throw up the entire day today, I gathered myself together and decided to go to work. I'll just stare at my medical certificate and dream about the 3-5 days rest I could've taken.
I'm already dreaming about designing my own house, planning to buy a sofa and dining table, and probably a new bed also. If I can earn a lot more than what I'm earning now, I know it'll be easy for me to do all that. If I can earn enough without worrying about my mother going crazy again.
I was too busy thinking about the house, and my future with it that I've completely forgotten about my mom, who'll be released this 23rd of February. What will she be like when she gets back at home? God, I don't wanna think about her ruining my plans. Please, let her be in a clear state of mind, let her be sane, while I focus on work and earning money for my house.
If she ever acts fucked up again and destroys my plan of saving money, I swear I'll call the local police and have her hauled up in some cheap bin for the lunatics. That is, if my gramma will allow me. Arggh. Problems with her are resurfacing again, and I hate it, I hate her ruining my life. She'll be coming back, that means doomsday for me.
Well, I have to concentrate on one thing for now. Work. Hitting the goal to stay here longer. By Friday, I'll be able to pay the reservation fee for the house, then I'll start processing my requirements. I have to hurry if I want to get away from this company and find one that's gonna give me more pay for my skills. The agent told me that after I completed my requirements and after the approval of loan from Pag-Ibig, it'll take a couple of months for me to be able to move to the new house. 4-6 months at the earliest. 6 months for me to stay here longer?! Oh well, if it has to be that way...
I'm planning ahead now, even though I feel like I'm on this plan alone, I have to do it. I have to count on myself and no one else will help me on this one. Not even that one person whom I'll refuse to name from now on.
Labels: agent, call center, house and lot, housing loan, Pagibig, pink crimson, work
Site Tripping
02-15-2010 Monday
To say that I was excited about getting a house that I've finally seen, is an understatement. I was ecstatic, I was suddenly bursting with energy and eagerness to work harder after seeing the house, the location and everything. I finally feel like I know which way to go in life, I can finally see what my future is gonna be like. It's starting to show from beyond the dark clouds.
I want to share it to everyone of you hoping you guys won't fail me, because the person I chose to first share this with, didn't show much interest. Who that person is--you wouldn't wanna know.
Ok, here's the deal. The house is located in Benjamin Village in San Jose, Del Monte, Bulacan. Earlier, the real estate agent I'm dealing with joined me to what they call 'site tripping', it means they accompany the possible buyers in viewing the site. She is a nice woman with a very sweet tongue for salestalk, she walks around talking non stop about the benefits of having your own house, she is very forward and blunt about wanting you to get the house immediately. She takes her sales job very seriously, and I realized, I could learn a thing or two from her, I can definitely apply those traits she has to my job, afterall, we both deal with sales.
Anyway, Benjamin Village is on a development process. There are a few houses built already and few people living there. When I say few, I mean it. I think there are more or less 20 houses built and 15 out of it are occupied. There are wide open lots around filled with tall grasses and trees. That's why it's windy out there. She was telling me that in time, this will be fully developed and houses will cost four times as much as it does now. That makes sense, the houses are cheap and the place is accesible.
It is quite far from where we live in now. If I'm calculating it right, my almost 1 hour and 45 minutes ride to work will be 2 hour and 30 minutes at the most. That's time consuming, time that I should spend getting some more sleep. But then, I realized, it wouldn't be so bad. My mom's gonna be released from the hospital by the time we move there,now since we're farther than where we used to live, I'll have an excuse to rent at a boarding house near my work place so I wouldn't have to deal with my mother. Fantastic.
I was thinking about all this while I was on the way home riding the jeepney. That will work. The rent-to-own cost per month is gonna be P2,500. I can rent a room or bedspace in Quezon City for around P1,000-P1,500 inclusive of water and electricity (I was hoping to find one around that range). Add up the electricity and water bill in my house, which is P400 at the most since we don't consume much of those two. Ta-da. I can still have some money to save and the next thing I'm gonna need is a second hand car to make it easier to come home.
Oh I'm forgetting my mom's medications! Nah, she wouldn't need that. The place is peaceful and far from anything that will remind her of her mishaps so I think she'll be okay. There's no better therapy than living in a nice, almost secluded place, far away from the fast paced city life. As for me, I'll go home there every other week, I'll be on my own in the city, I can go out and most importantly, I'm away from my mother and I didn't lose my gramma.
I shared the idea with my gramma when I returned home (expect my hidden agenda of getting away from the crazy bitch), and she liked it, even when I told her that I have to bedspace to be near the office. Good. I'm starting to have plans, how to design the house that I can finally call my own, no need to worry about getting kicked out again, finally having a permanent address and by the time I'm finished paying the house, 30 years or earlier from now, I can forget about getting married and be happy alone.
I can't wait to pay my reservation fee and start processing all the requirements. I was too excited that I almost forgot about the call I received this morning from the rehab staff, informing me that by the 23rd, I can talk to the doctor and my mom can be released also once I cleared the bill. Darn it, talk about something to spoil my day. Well, I'll look on the brighter side, at least I don't have to worry about her rehab bill.
I want the house. I plan to still look around but I have too little time, and the other houses I've checked so far would require me to pay more cash outright, the lowest I've seen was P60,000 to be paid in cash. With this house in Benjamin, I pay for the reservation fee, then the miscellaneous fee which costs P23,000 payable in 10 months, then after I'm done paying that, my monthly amortization begins. Not bad, eh?
This is the first time I'm doing this huge loans so I hope everything works out for me. I want to have it now while I'm still young, I want to start the future now. It's gonna be another long road but this time, it will finally lead me to a home.
Labels: Bulacan, house and lot, housing loan, Pagibig, pink crimson
Day of Hearts
02-14-2010 Sunday
Ok, I give up being a grinch, Valentines day isn't so bad afterall. I'm really sorry guys, maybe I am freaking you all out for being so unpredictable, one moment I was mad, cursing people and things, now I am a happy little one, bursting with sunshine in my heart. So sorry, can't blame people for not totally understanding me when I can't even justify myself for being like this.
Alex did come, even though it's already 10:30 in the evening, I was delighted when he brought me a nice roasted chicken leg and this small heart thing on a stick, with three plastic roses tied to it. A teddy bear would've been nice but what he gave me is enough, I am someone sentimental, and I value things as long as it comes from someone special to me.
He said he doesn't have any money, he's not paid yet at his job so he has to work all day in his friend's motorcycle shop for him to have money today. I was mad at him all day because I thought he doesn't have any plans to visit me, I am hoping and at the same time, I'm trying to not expect too much. I told myself that if he comes to our house, I'll talk to him to break up with him.
Geez. how many times have I said that? This breaking up with him thing? Then what happened? I ended up melting in his arms. Sigh. I appreciated the fact that he worked hard today for him to have money and be able to buy me something. I know it is tiring to work 6 days a week, and now that it's his day off, he still preferred to work all day. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I deserved him.
We ate dinner together, it was a delicious food and I feel bad for having to throw up barely half an hour later. That's a problem I'm having lately. I feel sick to my stomach most of the time. Today, my stomach refuses to take in all the food I'm eating. I get hungry, I eat a minimun amount of food, then a few minutes later, I would throw up everything. I lost count on how many times I puked, more than 5, I believe.
My gramma is getting worried, and I don't want her to be. I told her I'll go to the doctor when I have the time. Right now just isn't a good time. Tomorrow is not a good time either because I plan to check out the house I'm gonna get thru Pag-Ibig. Tuesday would be good. So that if they find something wrong with me, then I get to take the day off from work. I feel like I need to take another week off to rest but I can't do that, we're counting on my salary. A day or two rest would be nice, though.
After I threw up for the last time tonight, Alex told me to rest. He sat beside me on the bed, I lie down and held his hand. He stayed for the night, and I'm glad he did.
That's my little Valentines Day story. (Please excuse the part about throwing up, I really do have a bad stomach today, lots of sorry..)
Labels: alex, hearts, love, pink crimson, Valentines Day
Vday Sux
02-13-2010 Saturday
It's sickening to see those people with that lovesick look on their faces as they hold those long stemmed rose, or that dumb looking teddy bear, while they sweat from head to toe, anxiously waiting for the right moment to give those well prepared gift to their 'special' someone. Ick, sickening like shit.
If there's a grinch that ruined Christmas, there should also be a grinch to ruin a foolish day such as Valentines Day. What's the point in having it? There's too little love on earth now, and too much hate, so why do people pretend to give love for a day, then continue hating afterwards? It makes no darn sense.
Yes, these are sentiments of bitter ol' me, who has seen nothing but madness throughout my life. I've said yesterday that it's better to hate than to love and get hurt in return so that's what I'm starting to do now; I'm hatin'. I'm hatin' all of you. I will start by showing hate towards those people on my Death List (the list that I plan to share with y'all in the near future, *wink err, *scowl..), then I will hate every special day of other people, that includes tomorrows Vday, hmph! Yessssss.. Fueled by hate.
I thought I'm done with it, those days of fury, but I guess it has become a part of me, a shadow of the past that walks beside me. No matter how much I wanted to forget about it, it comes back to haunt me, just like my fears.
Ok, guess what, Alex is calling me right now. The bastard has the nerve to call at this time? Well, it's no wonder he didn't know that I'm at work tonight. He doesn't give a fuck about my schedule, he's not even bothering to ask me if I'm still alive. He sent a message, 'Happy valentines, i love u', hah! That's so him. His messages are like a script out of a movie I've read way too many times. They're always the same, not too many words, as if he's saying those things because he has to, because that's what he's supposed to say. Words like that seemed to have no meaning anymore.
Am I really asking him for too much? His schedule at work is Monday to Saturday 8am to 6pm, his day off is only during Sundays, he's currently on a one month training. I happen to know all of that because I asked him, because I want to know, I need to know as his girlfriend. What about him? When was the last time he asked me about my schedule? He used to surprise me for knowing a lot about my schedule and I remember the way he answered when I asked him why does he bother to remember all of those little things about me, he sheepishly smiled and said, 'That's how it is when you love the person'.
The Alex before is remarkably different than the bastard I am with now. He has a lot of nice words to say, you know, all those sweet flowery words that will make your heart melt... Fuck boys, I think they're all like that in the beginning and after getting your sympathy and trust, bam, they go back to being their usual selves: JERKS.
I'm tired of holding on, of giving chances, and most of all, of waiting for him to be his old self again. I don't know what happened, I don't have any idea why he changed. I'm silly right? I'm redundant and a fucking martyr. I have to let go, I know it, but I keep on making an excuse to hold on because I love him that much.
We see each other once a week, that's fine, I thought it's only for now. I thought that he has plans after he has earned some money. I was hoping he will talk to me about my schedule, so he can work something out, you know, try to see me even during weekdays, have dinner or something after his work, or breakfast before he goes to work. I am greatly disappointed when I asked him if he's happy that we only get to see each other once a week, he coldly said, 'well, what do you want me to do, I have a job now, you know that'. I am expecting more like, 'oh yeah sweetie, when I start saving up some of my salary, we can go out whenever both of us can. What time are you available?' Does anyone of you understand what I'm saying? Girls?? Gotta feel me on this one, girlfriends!
Enough of that, I told myself I wouldn't waste a post for that guy and here I am again, so sorry dudes.
Where was I? Oh yeah, the grinch for Valentines day, that's me. When I get off from work tomorrow, I expect to see more red stuff--hearts, flowers, stuffed toys, happy blushing faces... It'll be too freaking much. All I wanna do later is hop on a bus that'll take me home, eat breakfast, brush my teeth, wash my face, bury myself under my blanket and get some much needed sleep and forget about this whole fucking Vday fever that everyone seemed to have.
What else is next for me? I'm a bitter loveless, loner who wanted to crush the lovebug 'till it's forever gone. Amen.
Labels: alex, grinch, hearts, love, lovebug, lovesick, pink crimson, Valentines Day
Haunted by Fears
02-12-2010 Friday
It may not look like it, but you better believe me when I say that I have lots of fears creeping inside my veins, hiding beyond the thick surface of my tough image. I may have said that already in some previous posts and I'm just saying it again to remind you guys. I hide those fears, I hide the vulnerable girl as much as I could. I don't wanna let her out, the world is a harsh place to live in and she'll get eaten up alive if she shows up to the surface.
The problem I have now is, I'm having too much fears, I'm being battered by too much pain that it's starting to touch the vulnerable creature inside me. There's pain everywhere. Pain at work, pain with my current relationship, pain at home , and pain of not knowing what's gonna happen next.
Do I have a future? If I do, I can't seem to see it now, all I see is dark clouds above, sending out a warning for the worse that's about to come. Why am I sensing that I should be expecting more hardship? I try to be optimistic, trust me. I'm starting to find a house, I talked to the Pag-Ibig agent who will help me get one. I'm keeping myself busy with work, even though work is still a bitch, I still have to stay till I get a house.
It all boils down to my dilemmas in life, that's where my fears are coming from. When my mom gets out of the hospital, I will shoulder all her continous medications, on top of that, I will provide food on the table, pay the bills, pay the rent to own house which is 700 pesos more than what we're paying now for the house that's not ours, pay for anything that needs to be goddamn paid. So let's calculate, how much will all of that cost me? And how much am I earning again? Right, not THAT much.
I can't count on my father to help me out, hell, I can't count on anyone at all. Alex? Screw him, I've been dealing with all of this things alone while he's a happy happy goddamn fool enjoying his precious little life and precious little job. There's no support from him, nothing, when I complain to him, he never fails to give a sarcastic answer, I feel worthless to him, the most painful thing is, I feel like he don't consider me as 'the one' anymore. He's got plans I know nothing about, he's too damn busy with his freaking life, trying to prove himself to other people who doesn't even matter.
I can deal with pain, yeah sure, but there's only too much I can take. I'm fine with a gloomy, rainy day, dark skies and all, but what I'm going through now is no ordinary storm, it feels like an avalanche of torments. I am so sick of it all, I'm so mad that I wanna grab a complete stranger out in the street and kick the living hell out of him.
It's hard because I feel like I'm mad at everyone now. I'm mad at my mom for being sick and useless, I'm mad at my dad for abandoning us, I'm mad at Alex for his lack of support, I'm mad at the management at work for being such narrowminded bastards who push us beyond our limit, I'm mad at the bullshit calls I'm getting, I'm mad at the people who gets all the wonderful stuff, stuff that they don't even need, while I bleed like an idiot just to get what I want.
I find it easier to be mad than to feel hurt all the time. I chose to hate others over pitying myself. I'm about to dig my own grave out of frustration, bury myself there, and never come out again while the avalanche is destroying everything I love. I'm almost giving up, but then I realized, to hell with it, I hate them all, all of them that makes my life miserable. All of them that doesn't understand, doesn't care, fuck yeah, to hell with all of them.
Oh shit, I hate myself, I've always been alone in my battles so why the hell would I be surprised if I'm alone again in the middle of my world that's falling to pieces?
Labels: dilemma, fears, hell, idiot, miserable, misery, nightmare, pink crimson
On The Lookout
02-10-2010 Wednesday
Remember what I usually do to avoid getting hurt by someone I'm currently in a relationship with? I find a distraction. Instead of going through all the redundant boring details of how Alex is not being the most caring boyfriend around, I decided to post about how I can help myself focus on other things.
My ultimate distraction option is finding a new guy that I will not take seriously, though I know that will make me look whorish and sometimes, it could even lead to ruining the relationship I have. I know I know, that's bad and immature but I want someone who will give me attention, who will listen to me. I am tired of being ignored, of feeling that I'm not that important, of giving all the love and not getting the same amount of feelings back.
Lately, there's just no prospect around. My previous prospects are gone and I'm afraid that I am in a too serious relationship that it's hard for me to find someone else. I may not even be looking around because I can't or maybe..maybe I don't want to.
I was just thinking that maybe if I have someone else to distract me, I wouldn't be giving too much of a damn even if Alex is not around that much, even if he's not making me feel that I'm important. He has a job, we see each other once a week, I know that and I've said that I don't feel so bad about it, but as the days go on, he's not a boyfriend whose just away for work, he's going back to being the invisible one. When I say invisible, it's a nice way of saying that he doesn't give a fuck of what I'm doing, where I'm going, if I'm still alive or if I've already killed myself. I bet I can cut my own wrist without him finding out about it after a couple of days.
Maybe if I have someone to distract me, maybe he'll notice, maybe then, he'll start to exert effort again. Maybe then, he'll try to win me back, try to get my attention again like what he did before when he stole me from Mac. Maybe, just maybe, if he still loves me as much as he did before.
I have a lot of things to think about so as much as possible I don't wanna give much thought to Alex. He should not even be part of my plan, because I feel that I'm not part of his anyway. Believe me, I've been trying hard to not think about it, it just pops in my head every now and then. Pops out of nowhere, pops out from beneath my consciousness.
Aside from my plans of getting a house, transferring to another company that pays more, and hopefully living happily ever after, I will be on the lookout for any possible new guy that I can hang out with, someone that can give me the attention I deserve. It might be hard, I think I intimated guys, I don't smile a lot, I am cold, unfriendly, or simply put, I'm not the girl-next-door type.
Y'all can easily judge me now, but in case some of you haven't heard the news yet; I don't really care much about what others think of me.
OHH JEEZ! I suddenly remembered, Hearts day will be this Sunday! OHHHH JEEEEEZ. I'll be just another boring girl who'll probably date my computer. Sucks.
Labels: dilemma, girl next door, love, pink crimson, relationships, Valentines Day
Resignation; Another Goodbye
02-09-2010 Tuesday
When I entered the office, two of my teammates are already logged in and they are talking about the thing that is commonly heard lately in this department: Resignation. They momentarily stopped the conversation to greet me, I greeted them back, slumped down in a seat near them and looked at their weary eyes looking back at me.
I cleared my throat,
"So, what's gonna happen to us now?" Tito Raul, the eldest in the team, whom I fondly consider as an 'uncle' figure in our team, simply said that we're about to go our seperate ways. His eyes are red and obviously tired, as if he was dragged out of bed, half asleep, just to go to work.
They were talking about Kuya Reggie resigning and Shine, his wife, following him in a few weeks. They were also planning about their own resignation because things are getting harder than what we can manage or to vulgary describe it, things are getting more and more fucked up each month.
They are pressuring us like hell, we're having dandruffs, headaches, some of us are even becoming impotent due to too much stress and yet we get so little every payday. Honestly speaking, the people who has resigned from this company are in a better place that pays them well for their skills so I was wondering why does the management think the way they do? They believe that we (employees/agents) need them more than they need us, but hell no that's a fucking lie. That's not how a company works. A company is built, employees are hired and it's the employees that make the company grow.
There's no such thing as camaraderie in this company. The longer you stay, the more they took you for granted, they need you to push yourself to the limit, lose your mind trying to make a sale for them to make more money out of you. When they think you have no use for them, they drop you like a hot potato and hire new ones, new employees with a fucking attitude and lesser skills. Damn them. We've been here for years, and yet we're having a hard time reaching the goals, what more for this freaky new hires whose all attitude and no brains? Ok, this doesn't apply to everyone of them, sorry for being harsh. They might find better sellers in these new people but I doubt that the new hires with skills are gonna stay that long once they found out how little they get paid for so much they give up.
I'm staying because I love the team, I love the friendship we have built over the years, and I completely understand my manager when she told us that we're not here to make friends or to build friendship forever clubs, we are here to work, to earn money. That's true, yes, but if we really want to earn more, then we should've resigned a long time ago. If we compare what we're getting now to what the other companies are offering, we can just jump ships anytime, it's that easy.
Working is hard and we take pleasure from working together with good friends, a few laughter every now and then when things get tough, a few hugs of support, a few drops of sunshine amidst an entire evening of gloom. We work and have fun at the same time so even if we get paid the same every payday, we still stay for the heck of it.
Ask anyone in my team, ask them how's the job and they'll say, 'ugh, awful but we're holding on..' then ask them about the team and their eyes will light up and they'll say, 'awesome! they're awesome!' with a foolish smile on their faces. Ask them if they wanna quit, they'll say, 'yeah almost about to quit..' ask them what's making them stay and they'll say, 'the team, the friendship, we're still happy in spite of it all..' Ask me, I'll give the same answers.
Even good things come to an end, we are just trying to deny the fact that we're losing one another but reality is screaming our names now. We have to let go, for real. We have to part ways if we wanna save our asses, if we really wanna earn and get paid the right amount of money for our skills. This department is going nowhere, what's with everyone being unfair and thinking of nothing but money, money and more money.
Everyone's losing hope, my manager has given up on us, we failed as a team performance-wise, there's nothing else left for us here.
As I log in, I could still hear their hushed voices, talking about their plans of resigning, the companies they wanna try out, and all I could do was wonder for myself. When will I resign? I have to hurry up and get a house thru Pag-Ibig before I do that.
I gotta think, I gotta make plans now, before they kick my butt outta here. I think their primary goal now is to kick more butts. What will be left of them? I can only imagine....
Labels: call center, pink crimson, resign, sprint, team, Utah, work
Weekend Surprise
02-07-2010 Sunday
I swear the soft humming sound of an engine outside our house reminded me of a Yellow Cab delivery guy on his scooter, I was lying on my bed,sweating, half awake, trying to get some sleep as it was too early for me to get up. I didn't bother to look outside the window, I satisfied myself with imagining a Yellow Cab pizza being delivered to me. Hey, I was half awake, my imagination is as wide as it could get.
The sound stopped and I thought maybe it was just a dream afterall but then I heard footsteps outside, I know it wasn't my gramma, she left early and she wouldn't be home till evening. I was wondering who it was when the door creaked open and a too familiar head popped out of it. Alex.
I thought he has forgotten that today's my day off. I thought that he would be too busy with his new job to have time for me. He was smiling warmly at me. I smiled back and opened my arms for a hug. I finally got the chance to interrogate him about his new job.
He's working as a mechanic for Sym, he's a trainee for a month then after the training, he'll be earning an almost minimum wage salary. Sounds good than nothing, right? I know how hard it is to get a job these days especially for someone like us who never got the chance to go to college that's why I am happy for him and I told him we can finally start saving some money together.
I don't know why I'm letting myself post something as boring as this one because this is not something unusual or interesting or whatever... Forgive me, I don't have anything to do but type so I figured that while I'm at it I might as well update this blog.
Ok, this is really boring, so lemme wrap this up quick. I am happy that Alex visited me today, with his new job he'll be working for 6 days a week so it probably means I'll get to see him once a week, and surprisingly, I'm not sad about it. I miss him yeah, but now that I know what's keeping him busy, I'm cool with that. The end~ ;>
Labels: alex, boring, day off, love, motorcycle, pink crimson, weekend
Rock Bottom
02-05-2010 Friday
My relief was shortlived, more or less two weeks and it was followed with more depression. After January ended, I was glad that Jeff decided to stay when he managed to pass 2 consecutive weeks even though I'm still sad that Carlo and Belle still resigned, at least I still have the remaining teammates with me.
Now that it's February, we're still intact, we're still a team, so I'm satisfied somehow in spite of feeling like shit whenever I'm going to work. I am tired, what can I say, really tired I'm just about to hit rock bottom. But then again, there are some pending changes awaiting to ruin my motivation of continuing this job.
Let's start with my manager on the verge of giving us up, she said that this is our last chance to improve our performance as a team and if we fail, then she'll handle a different team and leave us. Hearing her make that decision made me lose hope that things are gonna get better, it has been a bumpy ride for our team, the things that we've been through made us more than a team, I remember my manager saying that, and also, she has told us that as long as we're staying with her, (set aside any plans of resignation for now, that is) we can work together to reach our goal as a team. She didn't say anything about her leaving us, I can't blame her if it's due to too much pressure but it's disheartening to think about what's gonna happen to us if she'll give us up.
What about the staying together crap? What about trying to work it out? I can understand if she's frustrated with us, but we're trying our very best. Non-sales calls are existing, opportunities are also there but certain hindrances are attached to it, we work with diligence, we close a sale in a proper manner, without breaking any company policy. However, from what I can see, they don't appreciate an honest sale, they still look at the numbers, no matter how you made the sale, scammed or not, what matters is that you give them the numbers.
Yesterday, my colleague who was sitted beside me almost processed 10 units in 1 call but being the honest person that she is, she checked first if the transaction will be allowed. Unfortunately, they did not allow it for security reasons. That's it, she gave up the sale that will make her a god to the higher management. My manager said she doesn't need to feel bad, she's proud of our team's integrity, other team can do it but we'll always stick to what's right.
Looking back to what happened yesterday, I am now wondering, what about integrity? Can't they just listen to each and every call we have before giving us a memo that we failed? We may have failed the stats but that's because we follow the rules, we close a clean, non-scam sales. We'd rather give up a good stat rather than put our jobs at risk because of one stupid scam. Now, here's the irony, whether we scam or not, obviously we're still not far from losing our job. Integrity suddenly sounded so bullshit.
Before the shift, I went to the washroom and saw my teammate there. She talked to me about her and her husband's, whose also my teammate, plan to resign. I was surprised, I never thought they would even consider that. They've been with this company for more than 3 years, they were more tenure than me and I am saddened by their decision.
They're leaving. They're giving up. I thought it's just me. Turns out, everyone seemed to be on the same boat that I'm in and we're sinking. Rock bottom, here we come.
Labels: call center, k, pink crimson, resign, sprint, team, Utah, work
Dilemma
02-04-2010 Thursday
I'm pondering quite a few things lately, dillemas, choices, options about everything, remember how the saying goes that the more options you have, the harder it is to decide? Well, in my case, I have very few options and still decision is as hard as it could get.
Work is one thing. During the first few days of this new month, I was able to bounce back from the stinking stats I got last month. I'm still struggling but at least I'm able to reach some of the goals at a given day, which is a relief. It's not a bad thing, it somehow disguised the fact that everything's gonna get harder soon, I have that feeling I don't know why. I'm trying to be optimistic about the whole thing but the sad truth is I can sense that I'm not gonna stay here longer, I feel that I have better opportunities outside this company.
Even without proper education, I believe in my skills, I've learned a lot about this job that I know I can apply elsewhere. I wanted to become something, as much as possible I wanted to start a nice career path in this company where I started but if you guys remember a post I had before about how people get promoted here, you'll know how hard it is when you're not friends with everyone. That's the bad side, there's always politics.
I remember my batchmate who recently resigned because he is well fit to be promoted as a supervisor but politics get in the way and someone else 'less appropriate' got the position. How weird is that? Like I said, that's how it works, be friends with people and it literally pays.
That's why I lost hope in trying to snag a better position here. That's why I'm considering another company who will look more on the potential, not on their circle of freaky friends. Besides, I'm getting tired of my usual routine, it's the same thing every fucking day; I woke up at night, go to work at night, take calls, talk endlessly for hours, go home in the morning feeling stressed, drained and not like myself at all, try to get some sleep then start over. I'm afraid I may have lost the fire completely.
I want..something else. Call center is so damn tiring, other people say that you earn a lot of money for doing such an easy job but they just don't know how much it takes out of you. Money is something that can be earned in any job, a good amount of money is almost worthless if you have your health and well being at stake. I think I may be tired of this type of job.
Problem is, I have very limited options for a job given the fact that I wasn't able to reach college. If I don't need a lot of money every month, I tell you, I'll definitely choose selling stuff in the flea market compared to working in a call center. Sometimes, when I see people working in the mall, or at an amusement park, you know those jobs that earns less than what I'm getting now, I would think that I can trade everything I have just to be working there where there's less pressure and working hours are normal. If only I don't need this money I'm gettting now. IF ONLY.
So, looking for something else means, looking for something comparable to what I'm earning now but as much as possible, something with less pressure and more human treatment. Question is, what choices do I have?
Number two is my choices in life. I wanted to get a rent to own house, I wanted to save money to buy a used car, I wanted to live together with my gramma and my pets. But, how do I make it all happen? The bill in the rehab is enough to consume all of my salary. I'm not able to save, I'm not able to get a house, I'm not able to do anything. I feel like my hands are tied, I feel like it's my own mother who's holding me back from getting the things I want.
I'm still the spiteful daughter, I already know that folks, hate me now while there's still time. I'm sorry I can't help hating her. There's just a lot of things I wanna do and achieve and I know I can do it all if I'm not worrying about her rehabilitation. Had she stayed sane, then I wouldn't be having this problem now.
I've already accepted my resposibility of working for them, of being the only daughter, the only provider for the family, I've accepted that since I started working at the age of 18. Even though I felt as if I grew up way too fast because I had to, I can continue working as long as no one is badly sick in the family. Logically, I know that she's not the one to blame but the bad side of me is insisting that if she is strong enough for us, then she would never have that mental illness in the first place. Even if my father left her for some ugly whore, she could've stayed strong for us. She can't let go or maybe, she refused to let go, evidently she's still holding on to the past that needs to be forgotten.
She's the last thing I'm thinking about. What do I do with her once she comes home? How do I deal with her? Will I ever have my own house if I will shoulder her continous medications after she got out of the rehab? If I give her up, let her go to the province, that means giving my gramma up as well. We already talked and she said she's not leaving her daughter. If I choose to let my mom stay in the province, she'll be going with my mom and I'll be left alone.
It's not that I can't live alone, I just want to have my gramma with me. She has always been there, since I was born and I have loved her more than I love my own parents. I hate the thought of not having her around.
Choices and decisions. One little decision could create a huge impact in my life so I have to be really careful in deciding.
Oh, there's one more thing I almost forgot. Alex. As much as possible, I don't want to include him in my plans because I think he has other plans on his life that doesn't include me. But I can't help myself. I want him to be the one. I can't imagine myself to be with someone else.
I wanted to talk to him about our religion but I can't seem to find the right time to tell him. We've talked before yeah, a light talk, not too serious talk. Everytime I ask him about our relationship, he always say that this is serious and he believes that this is for real, he even introduced me to his family, something that he hasn't done to any of his girlfriends before (hell, I used to not believe in that but his family and friends back in Cavite told me so). If that's the case then, I have to let him know that religion is something that we need to discuss again.
He has an idea of how much I value my religion but I don't think he knows exactly how much it means to me or how important it is in our relationship. I can't be with him if his faith is different than mine. I have to make him believe in what I believe in, not just for us, but most importantly, it's for his own good.
Ok, I've said it all. Sorry if it's a looong post. These are all the things I have been carrying around, a baggage of excessive emotions and thoughts and I have to say that it feels good to share it to this virtual world. Definitely helps lessen the heavy feeling in my chest.
For those who read this post and somehow gave a damn, thank you it's appreciated. For the rest who could've cared less, sorry, the purpose of this blog is not to please. 'Till next time, beautiful ones.
Labels: change, colleague, pink crimson, resign, sprint, team, Utah, work
Back to Work
02-02-2010 Tuesday
I fell asleep on the jeepney on the way to work, God, I never thought that's how tired I was considering the fact that it's the first day at work, maybe it's normal to feel a bit tardy on the first day after a couple of days vacation, or maybe I'm simply tired of the same old routine of going to work. I shouldn't be feeling this way, not good to start the week and the month like this if I want to hit new goals but I can't help it, just the thought of taking in calls again and the stress, and pressure that comes with every call, are enough to make anyone feel tired even before the day starts.
A good news beeped on my cellphone which is something nice to start the week. Alex informed me that he has a job already and he'll be starting tomorrow. As much as I would like to reply to him, congratulate him, being the supportive girlfriend that I need to be, my lack of cellphone load prohibited me so I got contented with smiling at the thought of how we can finally start saving up some money together.
Once I get the chance to talk to him about this new job of his, I want to know stuff like his day off, his salary if he wouldn't mind (haha), and the type of work he'll be having. The last thing I remember is him telling me that he applied to Sym as a mechanic or something, and I think that's where he got accepted, but of course, I still wanted to be sure.
Ok, I have work to do, I'm just wishing that these damn Americans would be cooperative with my first day jitters. Let me be productive today, oh please. It's a new month, new schedule; 5 long days of calling in a week, and God knows what else is new this month that I may not be aware of as of now. Whatever it is, I have to be prepared for it. There's no other option, no other move but a forward step.
Labels: call center, choices, dilemma, long post, pink crimson, pressure, sprint, stress, work
Sweet Hangover
02-01-2010 Monday
This sucks. It's February, I'm back in Manila, my short vacation is over and I have work tomorrow. Time to take things seriously again, I can't afford for my stats to continously drop, it's a new month and I have to be more focused with work if I wanna stay and earn money. I know this is gonna be harder this month, that's always the case at work, they make it more agonizing as a new month approaches.
The hard thing after a nice vacation with Alex is to face the sad reality that things will be back to being complicated again here in Manila as opposed to the carefree living in their secluded area in Cavite. Things are so different there. People get up early in the morning, make coffee, eat breakfast, go to work either in a farm or some place through out the day, come home to a nice warm dinner, and sleep early with the sounds of the crickets as a lullaby. That's on a weekday but for a weekend, everyone relaxes at home or simply chats outside while enjoying the grassy view of the fields. A simple, un-fucked up life.
Tall grasses instead of tall buildings. Cool air instead of polluted smoke. Sounds of the animals instead of the noisy vehicles. Nothing fancy. Just a simple laidback life. Not even a call center office in sight. Now, that's relaxing.
I knew I wanted to live in a place like this. I'm not like this before, I always prefer the city life because I always wanted to be so damn rich. But now, comparing the complicated life in Manila to the simple lifestyle in the rural area, I would definitely prefer to be not so rich afterall as long as I'm happy and I'm with the people I love. I mean, people get to survive here right? So why can't I?
I'm here, sitting in front of my computer like I always did before but this time, I feel like I'm still not here, like a part of my being is left in Cavite. This is one of the things I have to endure after a good vacation. The feeling of trying to peel away from the memory to be able to continue on with living in the city. I can't help but think in the back of my mind that at this same exact time yesterday night, I was sitting in the old yet comfortable couch beside Alex as we watch a late night TV show, arms around each other to warm ourselves against the cold wind of the evening blowing from outside the window. I can't help but remember the happiness I've felt, the simplicity of it all and the overwhelming love I have for him.
The hardest part would probably be to sleep alone, clutching my pillow instead of holding him beside me. I prepared myself for that and before I even begin to glance at my bed, I told myself to stop the longing. I told myself that given the right time, we'll be back there anyway and I would feel the simple joy again.
It's like being drunk for a few days and now that the alcohol has been washed away, there's nothing in my guts but the sweet hangover of memories. Right now I feel like I will give up everything just to be back there, be joyful and forget about the stress and pressure that I'm about to experience again.
Life sucks here, there's a whole lot of life outside Manila and that's where I'm headed to. I ain't no city girl now, I left my heart in the province and that's where it's supposed to stay.
Labels: alex, cavite, hangover, love, pink crimson, province
Unwinding
01-30-2010 Saturday
Today, there's two things that's making me quite glad that the weekend has come. One, is that I finally had the time to ask my friend to help me install the new Windows 7 in my pc so goodbye to 'ol boring Windows XP that I've had ever since I bought this computer, and hello hello to the super cool new features of Windows 7. I'm just starting to familiarize myself with all it's features and how it works but I have little time as of now because today is also the day that Alex and I will go to his hometown in Cavite. Hurrah.
I'm excited about it, it has been awhile since we last visited, we even missed being there last Christmas so this is something I'm really looking forward to. Their place is cold at this time of the month and I want to be there with him, just like before, when we we're just starting out. It is one of the places that is close to my heart, here's me hoping to get to live there someday with him, if things will work out good...hopefully.
My leave was approved so I get to take this day off for the weekend but when I get back to work, things will change for next month, like our schedule. Instead of the 11 hour for 4 days shift, we'll be back to a regular 9 hours for 5 days which is a bummer. Of course, the calling time is shorter but the week seemed so long and 2 days off is almost unacceptable. I will try not to think about it and just be glad that I'll be spending time with Alex and his family in Cavite.
Well, I don't have anything else to say, I'm too darn excited to get ready and leave, I'm just waiting for his text so we can meet at his place in Blumentritt. As much as I would like to stay and savor my new OS, I have some unwinding to do so till next time!
Labels: alex, cavite, day off, pink crimson, unwind, weekend, Windows 7
