On The Lookout

02-10-2010 Wednesday

Remember what I usually do to avoid getting hurt by someone I'm currently in a relationship with? I find a distraction. Instead of going through all the redundant boring details of how Alex is not being the most caring boyfriend around, I decided to post about how I can help myself focus on other things.

My ultimate distraction option is finding a new guy that I will not take seriously, though I know that will make me look whorish and sometimes, it could even lead to ruining the relationship I have. I know I know, that's bad and immature but I want someone who will give me attention, who will listen to me. I am tired of being ignored, of feeling that I'm not that important, of giving all the love and not getting the same amount of feelings back.

Lately, there's just no prospect around. My previous prospects are gone and I'm afraid that I am in a too serious relationship that it's hard for me to find someone else. I may not even be looking around because I can't or maybe..maybe I don't want to.

I was just thinking that maybe if I have someone else to distract me, I wouldn't be giving too much of a damn even if Alex is not around that much, even if he's not making me feel that I'm important. He has a job, we see each other once a week, I know that and I've said that I don't feel so bad about it, but as the days go on, he's not a boyfriend whose just away for work, he's going back to being the invisible one. When I say invisible, it's a nice way of saying that he doesn't give a fuck of what I'm doing, where I'm going, if I'm still alive or if I've already killed myself. I bet I can cut my own wrist without him finding out about it after a couple of days.

Maybe if I have someone to distract me, maybe he'll notice, maybe then, he'll start to exert effort again. Maybe then, he'll try to win me back, try to get my attention again like what he did before when he stole me from Mac. Maybe, just maybe, if he still loves me as much as he did before.

I have a lot of things to think about so as much as possible I don't wanna give much thought to Alex. He should not even be part of my plan, because I feel that I'm not part of his anyway. Believe me, I've been trying hard to not think about it, it just pops in my head every now and then. Pops out of nowhere, pops out from beneath my consciousness.

Aside from my plans of getting a house, transferring to another company that pays more, and hopefully living happily ever after, I will be on the lookout for any possible new guy that I can hang out with, someone that can give me the attention I deserve. It might be hard, I think I intimated guys, I don't smile a lot, I am cold, unfriendly, or simply put, I'm not the girl-next-door type.

Y'all can easily judge me now, but in case some of you haven't heard the news yet; I don't really care much about what others think of me.

OHH JEEZ! I suddenly remembered, Hearts day will be this Sunday! OHHHH JEEEEEZ. I'll be just another boring girl who'll probably date my computer. Sucks.

Labels: dilemma, girl next door, love, pink crimson, relationships, Valentines Day

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 3:33 PM