Dilemma

02-04-2010 Thursday

I'm pondering quite a few things lately, dillemas, choices, options about everything, remember how the saying goes that the more options you have, the harder it is to decide? Well, in my case, I have very few options and still decision is as hard as it could get.

Work is one thing. During the first few days of this new month, I was able to bounce back from the stinking stats I got last month. I'm still struggling but at least I'm able to reach some of the goals at a given day, which is a relief. It's not a bad thing, it somehow disguised the fact that everything's gonna get harder soon, I have that feeling I don't know why. I'm trying to be optimistic about the whole thing but the sad truth is I can sense that I'm not gonna stay here longer, I feel that I have better opportunities outside this company.

Even without proper education, I believe in my skills, I've learned a lot about this job that I know I can apply elsewhere. I wanted to become something, as much as possible I wanted to start a nice career path in this company where I started but if you guys remember a post I had before about how people get promoted here, you'll know how hard it is when you're not friends with everyone. That's the bad side, there's always politics.

I remember my batchmate who recently resigned because he is well fit to be promoted as a supervisor but politics get in the way and someone else 'less appropriate' got the position. How weird is that? Like I said, that's how it works, be friends with people and it literally pays.

That's why I lost hope in trying to snag a better position here. That's why I'm considering another company who will look more on the potential, not on their circle of freaky friends. Besides, I'm getting tired of my usual routine, it's the same thing every fucking day; I woke up at night, go to work at night, take calls, talk endlessly for hours, go home in the morning feeling stressed, drained and not like myself at all, try to get some sleep then start over. I'm afraid I may have lost the fire completely.

I want..something else. Call center is so damn tiring, other people say that you earn a lot of money for doing such an easy job but they just don't know how much it takes out of you. Money is something that can be earned in any job, a good amount of money is almost worthless if you have your health and well being at stake. I think I may be tired of this type of job.

Problem is, I have very limited options for a job given the fact that I wasn't able to reach college. If I don't need a lot of money every month, I tell you, I'll definitely choose selling stuff in the flea market compared to working in a call center. Sometimes, when I see people working in the mall, or at an amusement park, you know those jobs that earns less than what I'm getting now, I would think that I can trade everything I have just to be working there where there's less pressure and working hours are normal. If only I don't need this money I'm gettting now. IF ONLY.

So, looking for something else means, looking for something comparable to what I'm earning now but as much as possible, something with less pressure and more human treatment. Question is, what choices do I have?

Number two is my choices in life. I wanted to get a rent to own house, I wanted to save money to buy a used car, I wanted to live together with my gramma and my pets. But, how do I make it all happen? The bill in the rehab is enough to consume all of my salary. I'm not able to save, I'm not able to get a house, I'm not able to do anything. I feel like my hands are tied, I feel like it's my own mother who's holding me back from getting the things I want.

I'm still the spiteful daughter, I already know that folks, hate me now while there's still time. I'm sorry I can't help hating her. There's just a lot of things I wanna do and achieve and I know I can do it all if I'm not worrying about her rehabilitation. Had she stayed sane, then I wouldn't be having this problem now.

I've already accepted my resposibility of working for them, of being the only daughter, the only provider for the family, I've accepted that since I started working at the age of 18. Even though I felt as if I grew up way too fast because I had to, I can continue working as long as no one is badly sick in the family. Logically, I know that she's not the one to blame but the bad side of me is insisting that if she is strong enough for us, then she would never have that mental illness in the first place. Even if my father left her for some ugly whore, she could've stayed strong for us. She can't let go or maybe, she refused to let go, evidently she's still holding on to the past that needs to be forgotten.

She's the last thing I'm thinking about. What do I do with her once she comes home? How do I deal with her? Will I ever have my own house if I will shoulder her continous medications after she got out of the rehab? If I give her up, let her go to the province, that means giving my gramma up as well. We already talked and she said she's not leaving her daughter. If I choose to let my mom stay in the province, she'll be going with my mom and I'll be left alone.

It's not that I can't live alone, I just want to have my gramma with me. She has always been there, since I was born and I have loved her more than I love my own parents. I hate the thought of not having her around.

Choices and decisions. One little decision could create a huge impact in my life so I have to be really careful in deciding.

Oh, there's one more thing I almost forgot. Alex. As much as possible, I don't want to include him in my plans because I think he has other plans on his life that doesn't include me. But I can't help myself. I want him to be the one. I can't imagine myself to be with someone else.

I wanted to talk to him about our religion but I can't seem to find the right time to tell him. We've talked before yeah, a light talk, not too serious talk. Everytime I ask him about our relationship, he always say that this is serious and he believes that this is for real, he even introduced me to his family, something that he hasn't done to any of his girlfriends before (hell, I used to not believe in that but his family and friends back in Cavite told me so). If that's the case then, I have to let him know that religion is something that we need to discuss again.

He has an idea of how much I value my religion but I don't think he knows exactly how much it means to me or how important it is in our relationship. I can't be with him if his faith is different than mine. I have to make him believe in what I believe in, not just for us, but most importantly, it's for his own good.

Ok, I've said it all. Sorry if it's a looong post. These are all the things I have been carrying around, a baggage of excessive emotions and thoughts and I have to say that it feels good to share it to this virtual world. Definitely helps lessen the heavy feeling in my chest.

For those who read this post and somehow gave a damn, thank you it's appreciated. For the rest who could've cared less, sorry, the purpose of this blog is not to please. 'Till next time, beautiful ones.

Labels: change, colleague, pink crimson, resign, sprint, team, Utah, work

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 5:31 AM