Haunted by Fears

02-12-2010 Friday

It may not look like it, but you better believe me when I say that I have lots of fears creeping inside my veins, hiding beyond the thick surface of my tough image. I may have said that already in some previous posts and I'm just saying it again to remind you guys. I hide those fears, I hide the vulnerable girl as much as I could. I don't wanna let her out, the world is a harsh place to live in and she'll get eaten up alive if she shows up to the surface.

The problem I have now is, I'm having too much fears, I'm being battered by too much pain that it's starting to touch the vulnerable creature inside me. There's pain everywhere. Pain at work, pain with my current relationship, pain at home , and pain of not knowing what's gonna happen next.

Do I have a future? If I do, I can't seem to see it now, all I see is dark clouds above, sending out a warning for the worse that's about to come. Why am I sensing that I should be expecting more hardship? I try to be optimistic, trust me. I'm starting to find a house, I talked to the Pag-Ibig agent who will help me get one. I'm keeping myself busy with work, even though work is still a bitch, I still have to stay till I get a house.

It all boils down to my dilemmas in life, that's where my fears are coming from. When my mom gets out of the hospital, I will shoulder all her continous medications, on top of that, I will provide food on the table, pay the bills, pay the rent to own house which is 700 pesos more than what we're paying now for the house that's not ours, pay for anything that needs to be goddamn paid. So let's calculate, how much will all of that cost me? And how much am I earning again? Right, not THAT much.

I can't count on my father to help me out, hell, I can't count on anyone at all. Alex? Screw him, I've been dealing with all of this things alone while he's a happy happy goddamn fool enjoying his precious little life and precious little job. There's no support from him, nothing, when I complain to him, he never fails to give a sarcastic answer, I feel worthless to him, the most painful thing is, I feel like he don't consider me as 'the one' anymore. He's got plans I know nothing about, he's too damn busy with his freaking life, trying to prove himself to other people who doesn't even matter.

I can deal with pain, yeah sure, but there's only too much I can take. I'm fine with a gloomy, rainy day, dark skies and all, but what I'm going through now is no ordinary storm, it feels like an avalanche of torments. I am so sick of it all, I'm so mad that I wanna grab a complete stranger out in the street and kick the living hell out of him.

It's hard because I feel like I'm mad at everyone now. I'm mad at my mom for being sick and useless, I'm mad at my dad for abandoning us, I'm mad at Alex for his lack of support, I'm mad at the management at work for being such narrowminded bastards who push us beyond our limit, I'm mad at the bullshit calls I'm getting, I'm mad at the people who gets all the wonderful stuff, stuff that they don't even need, while I bleed like an idiot just to get what I want.

I find it easier to be mad than to feel hurt all the time. I chose to hate others over pitying myself. I'm about to dig my own grave out of frustration, bury myself there, and never come out again while the avalanche is destroying everything I love. I'm almost giving up, but then I realized, to hell with it, I hate them all, all of them that makes my life miserable. All of them that doesn't understand, doesn't care, fuck yeah, to hell with all of them.

Oh shit, I hate myself, I've always been alone in my battles so why the hell would I be surprised if I'm alone again in the middle of my world that's falling to pieces?

Labels: dilemma, fears, hell, idiot, miserable, misery, nightmare, pink crimson

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 3:35 PM