Wake Me up when September Ends
09-30-2009 Wednesday
Stupid title, eh? Pardon me, I'm just thinking of something fit to say as this month ends and yes, I'm guilty, Billy of Greenday is a long time crush of mine.
I still can't believe how time flies so fast that it seemed only yesterday when I sat in front of this same computer and typed out a blog entry for the beginning of September and now, another month is ending again. Wake up? Well I still feel like I'm in a bad dream. My mother is still jobless and useless at home, okay she does some chores, SOME housechores and she's done, she goes back to sleeping or watching the damn TV. I still want to leave house while my mother is still here. I still want Alex to get away from those fat bitches in the boarding house. I'm still waiting, waiting for something I don't even know what.
Has anyone felt like that? Waiting for something you don't exactly know what is it your waiting for? Reminds me of a song titled Waiting for The World to Change. So am I waiting for that? For this freaking world to change? For what? So that all rich people will be poor and all poor people will rule the world. Yeah, isn't that nice?
It's Wednesday today and I have to go to work later. Damn right, back to that job that takes a lot out of me. I'm really waiting for things to change. I mean, everything's the same everyday. Maybe if my mom will start doing something at home, or start looking for a job instead of waiting as well, maybe then everything will change for the better. Maybe then, I'll start looking at her as a mother again.
As September ends, it means that we're getting closer to the end of the year and I don't want to spend another miserable new year. If you can get the chance to recall the first time I started blogging, which is December of last year, you'll know why my previous new year is miserable. This year, I want to end it happy and peaceful.
Please give my mom a job!!! Can anyone help me? Please. That's the only thing that will make me happy right now.
September ends, some things are changing, some stays the same...
Labels: alex mother, BITCH. pink crimson, greenday, september
Chevonss Homecoming
09-28-2009 Monday
There was a time in my life before when I was underage, couldn't get a job and I was nothing but a worthless piece of shit, and all I did was go out at night and get drunk or, yeah, even stoned. Hey, like I told 'ya that was before, alright? Those days are long forgotten but sometimes, it's nice to relieve those days. Just go out and get wasted, like totally lose your head.
I'm recalling those days when I met up with Meng and Angie earlier at Robinson's. Those two are some of the very few girl friends I have that has a brain damage like I do. Got their brain damaged cause of booze, cigarettes and pots, that's what I mean. We just intend to hang-out but just like before, it always leads us to drink when we feel like talking without booze is getting pretty lame. Come on, you'll feel more at ease talking when you're sipping some ice cold beer paired with a cigarette in one hand.
We each gave our share of money to come up with a sum enough to cover for a pitcher of beer at our usual beer place called Chevonss. It has been awhile also that I stepped back into that place so I feel something close to homecoming and don't ask how I came up with that because I think I'm just really missing the beer too much. We sat at a table near the counter and Meng told me to look around for some guy prospect. I blurted what the hell, and she was like it has happened to them before when they're drinking alone and someone approached them to join and voila, their one pitcher of beer multiplied. That's one way to get more beer if you're totally broke,(oh and if you're a girl) and all you could afford is one miserable pitcher.
I thought that was an excellent idea and I was also mad at Alex because I invited him and he wasn't able to come. Guess why. Well, obviously, he's in good terms with those bitches at the boarding house again that's why they're asking him to do them favors again and again. I was thinking, why is it that a lot of people died cause of the typhoon yet the people worthy of dying are still alive, like those bitches, or my mother for example?
It's also a good thing that Alex wasn't able to come. A few guys from another table has invited us to join them and we acted like we're hesitant but we did join. The sight of their overflowing pitchers of beer are just too tempting. After some brief introductions, we had some friendly chat, and I couldn't help but think how one particular guy is so darn handsome. Haha.
At almost midnight, we decided to call it a night. One guy got our number, (arrggh not the handsome one..) then we went our way. I was slightly dizzy but it all felt good. I haven't felt this way for like, I dunno, maybe a couple of months now. I went home, brushed my teeth, washed my face and I tumbled into bed, then everything else was left behind.
Labels: alex, beer, BITCH. pink crimson, chevonss, drink
The Aftermath
09-27-2009 Sunday
It's not raining anymore when I woke up this morning. After I opened my eyes, I searched for Alex and found him sleeping soundly on the floor. I looked outside the window, similar to what I did yesterday and I noticed that I'm starting to have that habit ever since the typhoon hit us. The sun is starting to show itself from behind the clouds and I thought that maybe the storm is over.
Well, yeah it was over, but when you check the daily news, you'll see the aftermath of the storm and you'll feel like it wasn't over for those people who were affected the most. It wasn't over for those people who has lost someone or worse, who has lost a someone and a home. The storm could be over but for them, it'll take awhile to put the pieces back together.
I managed to go online to also get an update about what's going on in the minds of everyone. Most of my friends on the online community are sympathizing and trying to help out, while the others posted news about the storm, and so on. Some, sadly, are just trying to show that they care somehow, but I couldn't decide if it's sincerity or they're just thinking that sympathizing is also a trend in a time like this. Honestly, some people are that hungry for attention, believe me. Want proof? I came across a photo album titled after the typhoon and I checked it out, thinking that I will see some devastating photos of the affected areas, but turns out, it's just some narcissist posing in front of the camera, making the affected area a background instead of the subject. Hey, I thought that's what the title is all about? Narcissism should be a crime, as well as what do they call it, cam bitching? Cam fucking? What's that term? God, whatever it is, it's all about posting million photos of oneself as if you're a fucking celebrity and it's just so goddamn irritating.
Good thing, I was able to check out a neat photo album that really gives everyone a glimpse of the fury of the typhoon, instead of a narcissistic fool. These are photos that expresses a thousand unspoken words and viewing it all is enough to break your heart. Here's the link:
THE PHILIPPINES IN A STATE OF CALAMITYI don't wanna post the pictures here since I'm not the one who took those photos and I don't take credit for the work of other so I'm giving the credit to the one who deserved it.
When I saw the photos, I noticed that there are animals who died and needed help also, and being the animal lover that I am, I feel sad for the animals as well.
It's a painful ordeal that the entire country has to go through. It's not just only for those affected, but it's for everyone who lives in this country. Let's do our part to help. It ain't that hard to reach out a helping hand to help build the pieces again.
Labels: aftermath, Ondoy, pink crimson, typhoon
Revenge of The Storm
09-26-2009 Saturday
Due to the rain that wouldn't stop yesterday after Alex dropped me off at our house, he has no choice but stay for the night. It was my gramma who offered for him to stay and I am glad to have him here. Besides, it's too dangerous for him to drive the motorcycle what's with the rain starting to hit us hard since yesterday afternoon.
I woke up to the sound of the alarm and I dressed up for the worship service. The dawn is filled with gloom and I had a bad feeling that it's gonna rain the entire day. That feeling turned out right.
After we went home from the worship service, Alex is still asleep on the floor where we provided him a blanket and some pillows to sleep on. I smiled to myself and thought of how great it felt to go home and find him there. I still lack sleep so I went back to bed and slept.
When I woke up again, I found him staring at me, smiling and telling me that lunch is waiting. It doesn't feel like it's afternoon already so I had to check the time on my cellphone then I looked outside the window. It's raining harder now and my mom has to turn the TV on (that's what she's good at anyway) to check if we have a storm signal. Boo, we did. Metro Manila is under signal no. 1. I said goodbye to the plans of going to the mall today since the weather reporter on TV has said more than twice to stay at home if there's absolutely no important reason to go out. If you say so, mr. weatherman.
Alex and I had lunch together. The siomai that my gramma prepared for us is mouthwatering delicious. If you already know, my gramma cooks delicious food, worthy to be served in a five star hotel or something, so don't be surprised if one of these days you'll find me bloated as hell.
After eating, there's nothing left to do but either watch the rain pour mercilessly outside or watch the heartbreaking news on TV about families affected by the typhoon Ondoy. Neither sounded good for a weekend relaxation but we really can't go outside so we sat on the floor side by side and watched TV.
No one has expected the storm to be that furious, it's as if the heaven has decided to unleash it's fury towards all human beings, by means of endless rainfall that caused endless floods everywhere. I am thankful to God that we stayed safe and warm inside our small house and at the same time, I am deeply sad for everyone who felt the impact of the storm.
The sight on TV is beyond heartbreaking. People, cold, wet and hungry standing on the roof of their houses, dead bodies swimming in the flood, house that were once a home are nothing but scraps of metals and plywoods, people walking around stranded everywhere, people crying for their loss, people that are now homeless...Everything's just so painful to watch.
Evening came and the rain still showed no signs of stopping anytime soon so Alex had to stay again for yet another night with us. We stayed up late, cuddled up inside a warm blanket, to watch some more news on TV until I'm sleepy. He tucked me to bed, kissed me goodnight and turned off the lights. The storm rages on for the entire night but I didn't hear a single thing except for the steady hum-hum-hum of his sweet lullaby against my ear.
Labels: alex, love, pink crimson, typhoon, weekend
Working Things Out
09-25-2009 Friday
There's something about my relationship with Alex that makes me wonder how it ever get close to perfection even though we used to have some fights every now and then. With him, I feel like I can be more of myself, more of a psycho and he'll still love me no matter what.
When I saw him waiting for me outside or office building, with his face looking so ruggedly handsome beneath his just-got-out-of-bed hairdo, I resisted the urge to leap into his arms and hug him right then and there in the streetside. I casually walked up to him instead, unsure of what he's thinking, if he's still mad at me.
I sighed with relief when his lips cracked a smile and the bitterness in his eyes that I've seen last night is already gone, and all I could do is smile back. No words needed, just like that and we're able to work things out between us.
We strolled around the city, looking for a nice spot where we can eat and talk but the weather didn't seem to approve us having a picnic when it suddenly started to drizzle. We settled for a quick lunch in a crowded
carinderia then went back to strolling.
Before the rain could get worse, we found a nice place to stay for awhile. Then we talked. I asked him why does he still love me in spite of me being bratty and all that, and he simply answered, 'It's all part of what I've loved about you..' That's a good enough answer as any and again, I wonder if someone has ever loved me as much as he did.
When we hugged, all I could think about is how I'm wishing so bad that he's the one for good because atthis point in my life, I can't see myself with anyone else but him.
Labels: alex, brat, love, pink crimson, psycho
Brat-O-Meter
09-24-2009 Thursday
"And now that I'm leaving, now I know that I did something wrong, cause I miss you..."-Stay, Lisa Loeb
That's the song that kept on playing inside my head as I stepped inside the building of our office, after having another fight with Alex and watching him speed away on the motorcycle, obviously upset with me. What he said to me also lingers around, like the masculine scent he always left after hugging me. He said that I am difficult, hardheaded, I'm hard to figure out and I'm a selfish brat who always wanted all the attention I could get. I am hurt and I know that he's even more hurt, and I feel sorry a couple of minutes too late when I realized I'm already in the elevator.
What is wrong with me? I know that I'm a fucked up psycho, who, at one point in time, has seriously considered a plot to kill someone I despised so much, but I'm changing myself to be a better person, capable of being loved. So now, as I thought about everything Alex has told me, I'm left with myself to blame. I'm wrong to want so much of his time, and to always want his attention because I know that he's also needed by someone else so he can continue to have a house to live in. Enter Ms. Fat Bitch and Ms. Lesbo Bitch in the picture, (please see some previous post for reference) and the picture is ugly. I just have to deal with the fact that they need his time as well and they provide him the house where he stays so no matter how sickened I am to have to deal with them, we have no choice for now.
What I just don't like about it is that I feel like he doesn't miss me as much as I miss him when he's not around. He has told me that I'm wrong, he wanted to see me but he's so damn broke lately and he asked me if that's too hard to understand. Well, for a normal girl that's easy but he happened to fall for a brat like me who always makes things difficult.
I always wanted to hear that I'm right about certain things but this time, I know I'm terribly wrong. Alex has always been patient and understanding to me regardless of how fucked up I act most of the time. I loved him more for that because I honestly can't remember the last time someone has loved me as much as he does right now.
After getting out of the elevator, I headed straight to the washroom and locked myself up inside a cubicle, then I cried. I've hurted him again and he doesn't deserve it. Something is definitely wrong with me. Maybe it has something to do with me growing up in a broken family, or maybe because I hate my mother so damn much or maybe because I'm a good for nothing brat and I'll always be that way until I start to really change for the sake of the people I care about.
Tomorrow, we'll talk for sure. For the meantime, I have some calls to attend to.
'Thank you for calling the brat.....'Labels: alex, brat, pink crimson, work
Reminiscing
09-23-2009 Wednesday
Something weird has gotten into me this morning when I turned the TV on and started watching one of those disgustingly popular music channel that features nothing but equally disgusting mainstream music videos that suck worse than seeing a faggot dance the same lousy moves while clad in a tight as hell overalls. There's nothing new. No extraordinary talent in music, hell, there isn't any talent at all. It's sad to think how this ever happened to the music industry.
What's even more disgusting is the fact that this certain music channel shows the same crappy videos from crappy people who claim themselves as musicians, every fucking day. There's even a countdown of the best 20 music videos but it wasn't even close to best, even the number one video which they claim to be a hit from a hit wonder. Shit. There's just nothing new in TV these days. Watching these crap being spoon-fed to hundreds of unaware viewers, who rely on the boob tube for their daily music consumption, makes me wonder if these people will ever get to discover music beyond the mainstream stereotypes.
I stared blankly at the TV, wondering if mainstream music can get any crappier in this so-called new generation music. These music simple sucks compared to what the music has been during the 80's and 90's.
I ain't that old enough to be considered an 80's baby, matter of fact I was born in the late 80's and grew up listening to the 90's music. There has been some shitty music before but it's not as contagious as it is now. Even the mainstream music scene doesn't suck eggs. Before, you can still distuingish one artist from the other, know the difference between punk and rock and roll, unlike what it is now, where everyone sounds the same. Whatever happened to being an individual with a distinct sound??
Sometimes I wish I've grown up in the 80's because music at that time is simple but real, raw and hits you hard right where it hurts. I wished I was already a teenager at the peak of the pinoy rock scene when bands like The Wuds, Juan Dela Cruz, Dahong Palay, Agaw-Agimat, Philippine Violators and the likes are everywhere, performing gigs that show everyone how music should sound like. I wished I have witnessed how impressive the music of the 80's were. Well, since there's nothing I can do to turn back the hands of time, I'm pretty much satisfied in downloading the best hits of the 80's and 90's rather than waste my time in front of the TV, to watch some nonsense VJ blab about a nonsense video.
What made me decide to finally turn the TV off is when a young blond boy who (for God's sake) looks like and sounds like Aaron Carter and Jesse McCartney, started dancing in his glorious music video. When will they stop cloning pop stars anyway? It's making my skin crawl already. Shit, I gotta go back to listening to those good ol' music and reminisce on my own. I'm seriously having a headache just by listening to this music they claim to be 'in' these days and I need a fucking break. For real.
Labels: 80's and 90's, artists, bands, music, pink crimson
Another Beginning
09-22-2009 Tuesday
When I went home yesterday after spending the night at my aunt's house, everything seemed normal. My mother is talking to me again, my gramma sounded happy to have me back, it's as if, nothing happened a few days ago. It's as if no hurtful words were said, no confrontations, everything was back to normal again. It has always been the case between me and my mother so it's not that surprising, but I'm still not used to simply snapping back to what it was before the ugly fight.
I'm still mad at her, yes, but the hopeful look I saw in my gramma's eyes when she saw my mom talking to me again softened me inside. If my mom can snap back to being fine with things, then so can I. I'm just hoping that she will somehow change and stop being the lazyass someone in the house.
I'm seeing positive results so far. My mother started doing the dishes this afternoon while my gramma took some rest. So far so good. It saddens me that we have to fight before she can realize what's wrong with her. Okay, I ain't perfect. I also did something wrong, I'm disrespectful to her, I'm mean and I let my temper get the best of me. I had a feeling this is not gonna last, just like before, so I'm wishing that my mom can get a job before she becomes the lazyass at home again.
As for getting a job, I'm also seeing improvements. She has managed to have contact with a former colleague, who will help her find another job. I saw her resume neatly prepared on the top of her dresser. I heaved a sigh of relief as I looked around the house that I missed having to myself and my gramma only.
Mothers are supposed to work for the family so I'm expecting for her to be that way especially now that we need money more than ever. We have a high rent to pay and I don't want to get kicked out of the house again that's why I'm doing everything I can to earn enough money. I only wish she does her part also. I wanted to be the daughter again.
This is a good start, it feels like it's the beginning again. Hopefully, it is. God, I hope it is.
Labels: daughter, gramma, home, mother, pink crimson
An Important Visit
09-20-2009 Sunday
As much as I would not like to face my aunt again, I have to because the money that I asked from my father was sent to her. I don't know why my father always makes sure that I don't get things easily. I've given him our exact address when he asked but still, he sent the money to his sister. That means I have to go out of my way just to visit my aunt who lives in Paranaque and on top of that I have to be prepared when my aunt grilled me about studying again, which is something I can't commit for now with all the bills to pay.
My aunt lives on this fabulous house in a private village where only rich people can afford to live. She's rich but she's on her own. No kids, no pets, no plans on having any of those. She has a lot of money for herself and she has always wanted me to live with her but I never considered that. She's strict and she's trying to mold me into something I'm not, something I don't want to be. I also know that she'll never approve me riding a motorcycle. I can just imagine her reaction if I tell her I have a motorcycle, I'm sure she'll turn whiter than what she is now and her hair will probably fall away one by one. Fine, no mentioning of any motorcycle. Lips sealed, check. Be the perfect niece, check. Ok, I'm ready.
I headed straight to Paranaque after my shift. Since today is a holiday, my aunt doesn't have work and I found her preparing a delicious meal in the kitchen. The usual greetings and all. Then, she started telling me about how my face looks fatter after cutting my hair short, how I walk like a guy, how my lipstick looks orange instead of red and so and so. Had I been the sensitive little girl before, I would be offended but I've come to learn that that's just how she is, and I simply laughed, brushing her comments aside. She's busy in the kitchen so before she could say anything else, I went to the sofa and watched TV while waiting for whatever it is she's cooking. It sure smelled heavenly and I was so hungry that I have to look around for food.
Looking for food in that house is not a difficult task. It's everywhere. There's a jar of cookies on the table beside the sofa. There's a box of assorted chocolates on the coffee table on my left and there's a basket that's overflowing with huge packs of Lays on the floor near the TV. I find it ironic how many fatty foods my aunt has in this house but she doesn't eat any of those. She's always on a diet. I had to sneak a couple of chocolates because I know she wouldn't like me eating chocolates minutes before lunchtime. That's just how strict she is.
A few minutes later, food was ready and we had lunch. My aunt asked me to stay for the night and I told her I don't have any clothes with me. I know that has never been a problem in this house and she confirmed that when she said she has a couple of clothes and undies for me. Oh well. Might as well stay and feel a luxurious but restricted life even for just a night.
I'm not new to staying with my aunt. When I was in high school, I used to stay with her during vacations. I'm pampered with lots of things, given money, but in return, I have to be the perfect niece which is really not me. She wanted me to wear this little mini skirts, sleeveless tops, high heels and all and I'm just not that girl. She doesn't like me wearing stuff that only boys wear like a loose t-shirt or a 3/4 shorts and she doesn't like the way I walk. I hated that before so I got tired of staying with her and I made lame excuses before on why I couldn't stay during high school vacations.
Now, I realized that maybe she only wanted me to be like her. Like I said, she doesn't have any kids so it's also sad that she doesn't have anyone who'll follow her footsteps. She has other nieces, of course, but they're already perfect girly girls so I think it also has something to do with me being the only difficult niece.
I stayed for the night and I have to endure hearing her tell me how fat I am, how ugly I walk, how imperfect my skin is, blah blah blah. When you hear the same things over and over, you eventually get used to it and that's what I felt. I become used to it and I laughed at every comment she has. I assured her I'll start to lose weight, I'll practice walking properly, everything I know she wanted to hear from me. There's a difference in telling people what you really feel and telling them what they want to hear, it all depends on the situation you're in. As far as my aunt is concerned, I always have to settle for the latter.
The topic of studying also came up but I am glad that she seemed to understand where I'm coming from when I explained to her about how much I need the job, how we got kicked out of the house and how many bills I have to take care of for now. She was quiet after I explained and I know, I just know..that she understood.
Anyway, all of it has paid off, literally. She gave me the money that my father sent me, along with an additional from her and my other aunt. She gave me a couple of new clothes, new sandals, lots of new stuff. I always get a lot of things after a visit to her that's why I have to deal with her, cause that's just how she is.
Labels: aunt, father, niece, pink crimson
About Alex
09-19-2009 Saturday
It must've been hard to be Alex. Imagine having to live in a house where people treat you like they own you. They decide for yourself, they ask you to run a lot of errands for them, they tie your neck with a leash and own you for the rest of your miserable life. I look at those people he live with as opportunistic cynical. Sure, they provided him a house to live in even though he's not related to them and I know he should be forever thankful to them. Still, for me, I don't think that's enough reason for them to own him entirely.
Why are most people like that? They give you a decent house to live in, they give you food to eat, and they think you owe your life to them and they have the right to make you do everything they want to return the favor. Nothing but worthless, narrow-minded bitches, if you ask me.
I hate them for treating Alex that way. I kept on telling him to try his best so he can get a decent job to support himself and rent his own place so he doesn't have to live with them in that hell of a boarding house. Like how much is his soul worth? That small bunk of a double deck bed which costs like how much a month? Php2,000? So that's how much he is worth? I don't think so. A human being is not worth any amount of money. I know he owes a lot to them, but goddamn it, they're holding him in a tight leash.
I kept on thinking about these things while I was on my way home, after meeting with Alex briefly just to lend him a hundred bucks so he can eat. It was past lunchtime and those bitches at the boarding house hasn't fed him yet because of reasons that are unclear in the surface but if you dig deeper, you'll think the same thing I was thinking. They don't care whether Alex eats or not, he's just someone they allowed to stay without paying any rent and that's enough. They were probably thinking that it's not their problem anymore if he gets hungry as long as he continues to do them favors.
When Alex first introduced me to those people at the boarding house, I had a weird feeling that they don't like me and I felt the same way for them. I thought that was really weird considering the fact that I just met them. Now, being with Alex for a couple of months means I have to deal with them more often, I know why I felt that way before. My instincts told me that they may look like good samaritans on the outside, but they're nothing but worthless bitches in the inside. I don't want to give out names though I might've said a name on a previous post, but moving forward, we can all call them Ms. Fat Bitch, and Ms. Lesbo Bitch. Yup, there's just two of them. Mother (Ms. Lesbo Bitch) and daughter (Ms. Fat Bitch).
I feel bad for Alex. Well, I know there are times that he enjoys being with them, and I think he got used to them already but for me, I still want him out of that boarding house for good. I wanted to see how they can manage without him doing their errands and driving for them. Hah. Alex said we could get married and live on our own which to me sounded neat but there are a lot of things to consider. 1. My religion. 2. I just turned 21! 3. I'm not ready.
With all those things to consider, let's opt out his option. That leaves us both to the other option of him getting a decent job wherein he can earn enough money to support himself so he can get his own place and pay for the rent. It's hard getting a job and I understand him that he's trying his best but employers these days seemed to look for college diplomas. Screw them. I only get to finish high school and I have a decent job in a call center where I've lasted for more than two years and I'm still counting.
I want to help him out. If he will stay with Ms. Fat Bitch and Ms. Lesbo Bitch for another year, I will probably confront them if they don't treat him right. Worse comes to worse, I'm gonna punch those faces that's as round as a fat guys ass. Humph!
Labels: alex, BITCH. pink crimson, rent
A New Distraction
09-17-2009 Thursday
If I remember correctly, I have mentioned in a previous post that I'm suddenly interested in photography. I did say that, didn't I? Screw me for being forgetful more than the usual but I think all the sleepless nights and pressure at work and at home are all enough to make forget some things. Sadly, I tend to forget things that are worth remembering. Shame on me.
Alright, so back to the topic of photography. It's just a spur of the moment thing, trust me. I have always liked a good picture before and I consider photographers to be way more talented than those damn actors and actresses on TV who shows no talent at all. I even think that it takes a lot of effort to capture that one perfect shot, that will change someone else's definition of breathtaking. Yeah, pictures, photographers, photography:most people would say 'COOL'. Well, don't consider me as someone who will like anything that will make me look cool, I fucking hate things like that. I hate jumping into the bandwagon. I would rather plant explosives on that big bag of trends and watch it all blow off to pieces.
I become interested in photography not because it's a trend or something, well if that's the case for the next dude that will read this post, then get the hell outta here. This blog's not about trend or anything synonymous to that so sorry to burst your bubbles, cutie pie, this blog's simply not for anyone to digest. As I was saying, I become interested in photography, out of boredom maybe or I think it has something to do with me wanting to freeze a piece of a moment and take it with me as time goes by.
I realized, all of a sudden, that writing isn't enough for me to capture life's bittersweet moments. I also need a visual keepsake. What could be more perfect than taking a picture? From now on, I plan to bring my digicam with me more often. I hate myself for even thinking about selling this thing. This digicam could be cheap but it still has a use for me and it's perfect for a newbie photographer wannabe me.
I also think that a beautiful picture is not all about nature. You see, it's given that nature is pretty and it's not hard to capture a perfect shot of a sunrise, sunset or a bouquet of flowers. I am thinking that as someone interested in taking pictures, the subject doesn't always have to be about a beautiful nature, it could also be about an average thing we see everyday and it's up to the person taking a picture to make it worth looking at, to create an art out of the ordinary junk. That's what I plan to focus on as I continue to experiment in my newfound distraction.
Photography as a distraction? Why not? I've been through a lot and I seriously need a break. Give me time and I'll also add a title on photos I capture like these:
(This is one of those junks that goes unnoticed..but voila..I can call it 'A Hard Day's Work')
All untitled for now. Hey give me any idea! Hmm, I guess they can speak for themselves, for now.
Labels: a hard day's work, photography, pink crimson
Cavite Getaway
09-15-2009 Tuesday
For a few days, I had a temporary break from all the crap in the city when Alex and I went to Cavite. We left Saturday afternoon (09-12-'09), by night time, we're already in Cavite and it started to rain again. We're slightly drenched from the occasional rain on the way, and the plastics that we covered ourselves with isn't enough to keep us dry on the motorcycle.
(Saturday)
By the time we pulled up in the familiar driveway of his older brother's house, I felt like the breeze welcomed us and the surroundings is still as it is like the last time we were there. Everything's so familiar that it comforts me the moment I set foot on the grassy ground. He opened the door and his sister-in-law greeted us with a warm smile, telling us that we're right in time for dinner. No questions asked. Just a warm welcome.
I felt my stomach rumble when the smell of what she's cooking drifted in the air. She prepared a delicious hot soup, perfect for the extremely cold weather. After eating, she showed us the bed where we can rest, and the best thing about it is the thick blanket, resting on top of the pillow. Everything's just perfect, and to lie beside Alex on a cold, stormy night made me drift to sleep faster than any type of sleeping pills I've taken before.
We stayed in Cavite until this Tuesday and I felt myself longing for that place. Everything about the place makes you wanna come back to it. The friendly people, the cold weather, the breathtaking views, and being away from the stress in the metro. I brought my handy cam of course, and I suddenly found myself interested in photography. I guess it has something to do with the amazing view of the place, that it just hit me that I wanted to capture everything digitally.
Here are some premature photos taken by a newbie me:
I'll be posting our pictures tomorrow. I'm dead tired now, so yeah...
Labels: alex, cavite, photography, pink crimson, tagaytay
21 means LIFE
09-11-2009 Friday
Everytime I celebrate another year of my dramatic life, I would look back at the previous birthdays I've had and I can't help but think about how much has changed since then. It seemed like it was only yesterday when I was a kid, then a teen, now, as I approach the age of 21, I know more people would expect me to act more mature as a young adult.
To be honest, age is just a mere number to me. Aside from having a Peter Pan syndrome which is something that relates to me refusing to grow up, maybe deep down, I am thinking that I'm also afraid to grow up because of more responsibility, more expectations from other people. It is a scary thought, or maybe I'm not yet that mature when it comes to things that requires me to be more grown up.
This day, as I age another year, I am thankful to still be here. Scared, yes. Having difficulty to get by, yes. But still thankful. I consider myself lucky, I may not have everything I wanted but I am happy with what I have for now. I hate my mother but I have a dear gramma who loves me more than anything else. I have Alex. I have a couple of friends who visited and celebrated with me, to make me feel special this day. For all those, I'm thankful.
My friends from Alponsky are the first visitors of the day, they arrived at exactly time for lunch and I'm used to these guys, being always hungry for delicious food. My gramma prepared all the food and they feast on every pasta and bread. They shared stories, jokes, riddles and stuff that made me laugh and again, I'm happy to have them all to back me up whenever times get tough. My dear brothers who has always been there.
Alex arrived shortly after lunch and I introduced him to them. He is used to me having a lot of guy friends so I am glad that he's happy to meet all my friends in spite of them being all guys. They left at around 3pm and I was left with Alex. We ate a late lunch and went to SM to buy a cake for myself. I suddenly crave for something sweet so I had to buy something. Besides, it's my birthday!
By evening, Vanessa, my best friend also dropped by. We ate dinner together with Alex, had a little chat and she went home. The last visitors that evening are Meng and Angie who are two good friends whom I haven't seen in awhile. I can say that what made me happy the most is that I had the chance to introduce Alex to all the special friends I have.
Alex is the one who stayed till almost midnight to help me with all the dishes to wash since my mother has went off to watch that damn TV again and I let my gramma sleep early. After washing the dishes, Alex and I talked about going to his hometown in Cavite for a few days to retreat from all the stress. He agreed, said we can leave tomorrow which is fine with me.
When he left a few minutes after 12, I packed my clothes before going to bed. I wanted to be anywhere but here. Happy birthday to me, lalalalalala..
Labels: 21, alex, alponsky, birthday, pink crimson, sept 11
The Only Thing
09-08-2009 Tuesday
If things could get any crappier than what it is now, I would definitely lose my sanity. I am thankful that somehow, I still have a couple of things to be happy about. One of it is having Alex, who understands and who loves me no matter what.
After my overtime last night, he picked me up and I slept in the boarding house with him. It has rained all night, and I heard the distant rumble of thunder. As the storm rages throughout the night, I felt safe and warm in his arms. Being with him gives me a reason to smile in spite of all the bullshit that is happening right now. It's all the same crap everyday, work, being broke, having a useless mother and a father who doesn't give a damn, living in a house that doesn't belong to us, having to move out everytime the rent gets harder to pay, shits like that. It's like one of those boring late night TV show story that gets stale when another TV program becomes a hit.
Seriously, I want to give up this responsibility I have. I am turning 21 a few days from now, I'm still at the peak of my youth and all I want to do is enjoy every moment of it without having to worry about anything. Sure I enjoy some things I have but most of the things happening to me are all shits. It is impossible to wish for a perfect life but sometimes poor people like me wonder why other people seemed to have everything while we suffer. It's just not fair. I've accepted the fact that life is unfair ever since my father walked out on us and gave up the responsibility he's supposed to have with us as his family. Life has been unfair to me when I have to work at a tender age of 18 while all the other teens my age get to study, have fun and waste money on worthless craps.
The sad truth is that I can't give up. No matter how hard, no matter how much my work takes out of me, no matter how painful it is to think that I earn money but wasn't able to buy things I wanted so bad for myself. The bills, the rent, the food on the table are all enough to make me broke a day after the payday and it sucks so bad to think about it that I just want to grab a fucking gun and shoot every rich people in sight.
To think that other people still finds a reason to complain about something, when there's really no need for them to complain. I don't know why other people have the guts to complain when there's really no need for that. Does it give them the right to rebel against things? What do you get for complaining anyway? Shame on yourself, that's what you get.
All I want, right now, aside from grabbing a gun, is a moment of peace with myself. Nothing else.
Labels: alex, crappy life, daughter, mother, pink crimson
The Last of It
09-07-2009 Monday
When I woke up this morning, I had a feeling that something's gonna go wrong today, weird but true, it happens to me sometimes. The unusual stroke of awareness about something that hasn't happened yet but terrifyingly, does happen.
I turned the TV on to watch the final moments of Ka Erdy's wake before the burial this afternoon. As much as I would like to be there physically and mourn with the thousands of believers who's already standing in front of the gates of the temple or in front of the huge screen in the middle of the highway, I wouldn't be able to since I still have to go to work later to do restday overtime for four hours so I have to spare some of my energy which is something I really need everytime I'm at work. With that being said, I stayed at home and watched, feeling the pain as the camera focused on the grieving faces outside the temple.
The thought of his burial and him leaving us in this journey is really painful but what keeps us going is the faith that in the end, we'll eventually see each other again. I saw the faith in every eyes looking back at me when I was there at the temple and I know that his death is not enough reason for us to stop believing or to stop holding on.
After all is said and done, the TV station went back to regular programming and the bad feeling I had awhile ago when I woke up started to unfold before my eyes. What happened was I simply feel like I've had enough of my mother being useless at home and I just..I don't know how to say this..just felt like a volcano that suddenly errupted.
After eating lunch, my mother just went back to watching TV instead of helping out my gramma in washing the dishes and that pisses me off. I had to be the one to do the dishes to help my gramma out. The most irritating thing is that she does nothing to help out in the house chores and that has always been the reason behind my rage and she knows that. Throughout all the fights we've had in the past, I managed to explain to her that that's the only thing that pisses me off about her. I mean, I'm fine with the fact that she doesn't have a job again but it would really mean a lot to me if I will see that she's sorry about it and she's trying her best to make up for it. She's the mother, she's supposed to be the one to raise the family, with my father being a total jerk, she's supposed to be the one I can count on.
Unfortunately, that wasn't the case and I'm just fed up with this responsibility considering the fact that I'm the only child, I feel like this is not how things are supposed to be. With all these rage inside me, I just errupted so bad that things got really ugly.
I won't tell all the exact details, but we ended up being scarred yet again. I thought all this fight is over before. I thought this will never happen again..well, it did. My gramma is the most affected that she began shouting things like she hates us, she calls the devils and stuff. I feel bad that she has to be the one caught in between our fights but I can't help myself anymore. My mom asked me what's my problem and I told her straightforward that she's the problem. I hate her and I'd rather have her out of this house than leave with her because she does nothing anyway. She got mad and told me things I've heard before. I hate her, she hates me back and I can never call her mother again from now on. So be it, I'd better not have a mother than to have her.
I went to work, fuming, thinking the kind of crappy life I have and at the same time, wondering if things could get any worse.
Labels: crappy life, daughter, mother, pink crimson
THANK YOU, KA ERDY. WE LOVE YOU
09-06-2009 Sunday
After my shift, I rushed to the Central Temple and texted my high school friend Mark, who is supposed to be there already. I asked him if he's in line and he said yes, he's waiting for me. Good. I felt a sudden rush of excitement and pain inside me as I imagine myself being in Ka Erdy's wake and thanking him for the last time. The highway is still packed and traffic is moving really slow. It's not surprising after the announcement that Ka Erdy will be buried tomorrow so this is makes it the last scheduled public viewing.
On my way to Central temple, I saw buses from provinces like Batangas, Cavite, Dagupan and other places far and I thought to myself, this is how we all show love to Ka Erdy. No matter where these people are from, they exerted the effort to be here, to see him, to thank him. We all know that the line is awfully long, and we might spend hours and hours standing in line just for a few seconds worth of viewing him but it was all worth it of course. He has spend all his life taking care of us and this sacrifice that we have to endure just to see him is nothing compared to what he has done for us.
As I walked to find Mark, I felt my eyes water when I saw the hopeful faces of INC members like me as they stand in line. They have their own food, umbrellas (it's raining as if the sky is shedding tears), water bottles and their eyes reflect nothing but sorrow. The temple is still mourning, and grief is in the air we all breathe.
I saw Mark waving at me and I joined him and his friends in line. It was almost 1 in the afternoon and it was announced thru the speakers that the public viewing cut off will be at 12 midnight. With our line being miles away from the Temple, I wished so hard we can make it before the cut off. Friends of mine who have been here has told me that they stood in line for more than 12 hours. 'I'm prepared for that, just let me see him' I thought to myself.
We entertained ourselves with talking about things, reminiscing high school life and eating anything we can afford. The line started moving at around 3pm and I was surprised at how fast we were moving. By almost 4pm we're already inside the temple gates, and by 4:30, we were walking slowly towards the center of the temple where I saw Ka Erdy's peaceful face and I know that he died happy because he reached the end of his journey and he was able to bring a lot of lost souls home.
After seeing him, I wished that he can see all those people who loved him, who are still outside, enduring the rain, standing in line, and waiting for their turn. I've come to also realize that we love him not just because we are saved or because he's our leader, we love him because he has loved each and everyone of us. I also remember every worship service when a minister would always tell us that Ka Erdy always wished he could hug everyone tightly for us not to go anywhere else, for us to stay inside the Chuch of Christ. That's how much he loves us and that love is something we can never repay.
I know a lot of people consider INC as a cult or whatever and I used to be so affected about it. Now, being here, seeing the effect of our church, seeing the traffic, seeing the other side of the highway entirely closed, seeing the politicians visit Ka Erdy, seeing how the world seemed to stop even for just a brief moment to honor Ka Erdy, seeing it all with my eyes still watering, I can't help but be so proud of my religion. Let them say whatever they have to say about us. Let them call us names. We know better. We'll continue to praise God, we'll continue our journey because I know that's what Ka Erdy wants. That's what will make him happy.
It will take awhile for us to grasp the fact that he is gone, it might not even be that way because he continues to live on with every worship service that we're having. We feel his presence in every word of truth, in every passages being read, in every hymns of praises, in every prayer. I feel this sudden love for my brothers and sisters inside the church because all we have is each other to turn to in this heartbreaking ordeal. We have to stay strong, hold each other and never let go, keep the faith, that's our promise.
KA ERDY, we will never forget you. We love you. Goodbye for now, till we meet again....
Labels: INC, Ka Erdie, pink crimson, salvation
The Mourning Temple
09-04-2009 Friday
It has been three days since the news about our dearly beloved Ka Erdy broke out and it seemed like everyone from the media to the politicians are attracted to the Central temple like bees swarming over a pot of sweet honey. It's part of the headlines in newspapers, radio, TV, and even conversations of ordinary people that I happen to overhear anywhere. Yep, the news shocked us, while the others are simply hooked into it or maybe most people will talk about it but eventually lose interest
Whenever I go to work, I'm sure to pass by Central since my work place is located in Quezon City. On an ordinary night, Central is a quiet place of worship service with it's towers glistening against the dark night as vehicles of all kinds cruise along the highway below. This night, however, is no ordinary night, with all the cars, motorcycles, vans, buses, etc. parked everywhere on the side of the highway, and people walking around the temple with grief stricken faces. A big screen is mounted a few feet high above the ground, held by pointed steels, so that people who aren't inside the Temple yet can view what's going on with the public viewing. Everytime I pass by that big screen, I would see people who get to view Ka Erdy for the last time and even though the faces aren't clear, I can see them wiping their eyes or waving goodbye or simply praying silently as they walk.
I can't wait to have my day off so I can also get the chance to see Ka Erdy and maybe, thank him in silence for everything he has done. Looking back at how he made INC what it is now with the help of God, it is hard to believe how one simple man can do it all. He may have left us but he left us strong and yearning for salvation. It is heartbreaking and it will take awhile for us to get used to the fact that he's gone but right now, all we have is each other, God and our faith. That's enough to help us get through. Besides, this separation is only for now. I know...and every INC knows that we will all meet again.
Labels: church, INC, Ka Erdie, pink crimson, salvation
The End Begins
09-02-2009 Wednesday
Upon waking up, I noticed that the sun still shines like it did yesterday, the TV shows are still lame when I turned on the TV, our neighbors are still as noisy as always, and the church, which is just a few steps away from us, is still as it is. Everything the same when I look around, though, I remembered being at Central in Quezon City last night and everything isn't just the same back there. The streets are jammed with traffic, news reporters from different channels are all gathered and, ugh, of course, politicians made their presence felt as well.
For other people, life still goes on just the same like it always did, but for us, INC members, yesterday is marked as the day that will change our lives forever, and even though everything might remain the same after this, I feel that we will never be. The death of our beloved Ka Erdie definitely changed us, a wake-up call, a reminder that he died, thinking of how bad he wanted us all to be saved when Judgement day comes. It's painful to lose him but we know that God has His own plans. It's not surprising to know that other people who don't understand us will probably think now that Ka Erdie is gone, INC will no longer survive. If only they know how wrong they are. With him passing away, we only became stronger, more eager even, to fulfill his wishes for us. We have to look out for each other, we have to struggle a little bit more to continue going forward. This isn't the time to give up, matter of fact, this end is just the beginning for us.
People from all walks of life has gathered at the Central temple to pay their respects and for the last time, (some, first time) see our beloved Ka Erdie. Even though I didn't make it inside, it was all too crowded and it also rained last night, I still wanted to come back, hopefully this weekend during my dayoff. I don't want to miss the chance to get a glimpse of a great leader who has shown love, compassion and wanted nothing more but our salvation.
Personally, I cried to myself when I heard the news. I know this time is gonna come but still, nothing could ever prepare you for death. It is a heart shattering experience to think that it has been a month after our grand celebration when we were all happy and now, we are all grieving. At the same time, we're still thankful that he made it to our grand celebration, maybe..maybe God made things this way for a reason. No, not maybe..we know, He has a reason for all this.
Ka Erdie has been more than just a leader, he's a father, brother, friend, and someone we all look up to. We will always remember him and even though he's gone, he lives on to each and everyone of us. It's alright to grieve, there's nothing wrong to cry, but after all this, in spite of the pain, lets all continue his legacy. Let the fire continue to burn. Lets not fail him my brothers and sisters. Not now. Not ever.
Labels: INC, Ka Erdie, pink crimson, salvation
