Brat-O-Meter

09-24-2009 Thursday

"And now that I'm leaving, now I know that I did something wrong, cause I miss you..."
-Stay, Lisa Loeb

That's the song that kept on playing inside my head as I stepped inside the building of our office, after having another fight with Alex and watching him speed away on the motorcycle, obviously upset with me. What he said to me also lingers around, like the masculine scent he always left after hugging me. He said that I am difficult, hardheaded, I'm hard to figure out and I'm a selfish brat who always wanted all the attention I could get. I am hurt and I know that he's even more hurt, and I feel sorry a couple of minutes too late when I realized I'm already in the elevator.

What is wrong with me? I know that I'm a fucked up psycho, who, at one point in time, has seriously considered a plot to kill someone I despised so much, but I'm changing myself to be a better person, capable of being loved. So now, as I thought about everything Alex has told me, I'm left with myself to blame. I'm wrong to want so much of his time, and to always want his attention because I know that he's also needed by someone else so he can continue to have a house to live in. Enter Ms. Fat Bitch and Ms. Lesbo Bitch in the picture, (please see some previous post for reference) and the picture is ugly. I just have to deal with the fact that they need his time as well and they provide him the house where he stays so no matter how sickened I am to have to deal with them, we have no choice for now.

What I just don't like about it is that I feel like he doesn't miss me as much as I miss him when he's not around. He has told me that I'm wrong, he wanted to see me but he's so damn broke lately and he asked me if that's too hard to understand. Well, for a normal girl that's easy but he happened to fall for a brat like me who always makes things difficult.

I always wanted to hear that I'm right about certain things but this time, I know I'm terribly wrong. Alex has always been patient and understanding to me regardless of how fucked up I act most of the time. I loved him more for that because I honestly can't remember the last time someone has loved me as much as he does right now.

After getting out of the elevator, I headed straight to the washroom and locked myself up inside a cubicle, then I cried. I've hurted him again and he doesn't deserve it. Something is definitely wrong with me. Maybe it has something to do with me growing up in a broken family, or maybe because I hate my mother so damn much or maybe because I'm a good for nothing brat and I'll always be that way until I start to really change for the sake of the people I care about.

Tomorrow, we'll talk for sure. For the meantime, I have some calls to attend to. 'Thank you for calling the brat.....'

Labels: alex, brat, pink crimson, work

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 7:02 PM