The Last of It

09-07-2009 Monday

When I woke up this morning, I had a feeling that something's gonna go wrong today, weird but true, it happens to me sometimes. The unusual stroke of awareness about something that hasn't happened yet but terrifyingly, does happen.

I turned the TV on to watch the final moments of Ka Erdy's wake before the burial this afternoon. As much as I would like to be there physically and mourn with the thousands of believers who's already standing in front of the gates of the temple or in front of the huge screen in the middle of the highway, I wouldn't be able to since I still have to go to work later to do restday overtime for four hours so I have to spare some of my energy which is something I really need everytime I'm at work. With that being said, I stayed at home and watched, feeling the pain as the camera focused on the grieving faces outside the temple.

The thought of his burial and him leaving us in this journey is really painful but what keeps us going is the faith that in the end, we'll eventually see each other again. I saw the faith in every eyes looking back at me when I was there at the temple and I know that his death is not enough reason for us to stop believing or to stop holding on.

After all is said and done, the TV station went back to regular programming and the bad feeling I had awhile ago when I woke up started to unfold before my eyes. What happened was I simply feel like I've had enough of my mother being useless at home and I just..I don't know how to say this..just felt like a volcano that suddenly errupted.

After eating lunch, my mother just went back to watching TV instead of helping out my gramma in washing the dishes and that pisses me off. I had to be the one to do the dishes to help my gramma out. The most irritating thing is that she does nothing to help out in the house chores and that has always been the reason behind my rage and she knows that. Throughout all the fights we've had in the past, I managed to explain to her that that's the only thing that pisses me off about her. I mean, I'm fine with the fact that she doesn't have a job again but it would really mean a lot to me if I will see that she's sorry about it and she's trying her best to make up for it. She's the mother, she's supposed to be the one to raise the family, with my father being a total jerk, she's supposed to be the one I can count on.

Unfortunately, that wasn't the case and I'm just fed up with this responsibility considering the fact that I'm the only child, I feel like this is not how things are supposed to be. With all these rage inside me, I just errupted so bad that things got really ugly.

I won't tell all the exact details, but we ended up being scarred yet again. I thought all this fight is over before. I thought this will never happen again..well, it did. My gramma is the most affected that she began shouting things like she hates us, she calls the devils and stuff. I feel bad that she has to be the one caught in between our fights but I can't help myself anymore. My mom asked me what's my problem and I told her straightforward that she's the problem. I hate her and I'd rather have her out of this house than leave with her because she does nothing anyway. She got mad and told me things I've heard before. I hate her, she hates me back and I can never call her mother again from now on. So be it, I'd better not have a mother than to have her.

I went to work, fuming, thinking the kind of crappy life I have and at the same time, wondering if things could get any worse.

Labels: crappy life, daughter, mother, pink crimson

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 6:18 AM