Pink Crimson

Summer Cut

06-29-2009 Monday

What do you call a 550 bucks worth of dog haircut and grooming? Summer Cut, that is according to the vet at the Animal Station in SM Fairview, where I took Damien earlier today to get his regular check-up and deworming.

I had him groomed and his hair cut short. His hair is long and it's starting to fall all over to place so I decided it is the right time to get a haircut. With his hair shorter, he looked smaller and more like a pup again. My grandma doesn't like it that much but I said sooner, his hair will grow again and it will be more manageable.

Damien before:

Damien now:

Yeah he looked a little different but I think we just got used to him being covered up in long fluffy furs. Whatever he looked like, haircut or what, he's still our Damien so it doesn't matter that much.

Labels: Damien, haircut, pink crimson

Too Much Caffeine is a Bitch

06-28-2009

One can just imagine the headache I had last Friday night when I went to work in spite of having 2 hours of sleep. I have no choice. In the cruel world of call center, being sleepless in the day is not enough reason to be absent. No reason is good enough, to tell you the truth.

Up until now, I'm still wondering how I managed to stay awake in my 11 hour shift without losing some vital parts of my body, like my brain for example. I was a walking disaster again, my eyes can barely focus on the computer monitor, my head is throbbing, like my cerebellum was about to force it's way out of my skull, and to top it all off, I had my period that same day so let's add the menstrual cramps and what do we have? Cranky me.

I blame it all on the cappuccino I had in the afternoon. My grandma made those iced candy cappuccinos, I found it all on the freezer and munched one long tube of iced cappuccino. I was stupid enough to not remember that what I'm indulging on is caffeine. After eating, I lie on the bed to sleep, hugged my pillow, hid under my blanket and I tossed and turned. Tossed and turned. That's all I did because I couldn't sleep!

Saturday afternoon (yesterday), I was still cranky after my shift. I stirred up a petty fight with Alex because I feel like he's not listening to what I was saying. I'm really fucked up when I'm without sleep and when it's my period and it's all on me at the same day so Alex was pretty mad when he left our house. I felt bad but I forgot about the whole thing when my beaten up body touched the bed and off to dreamland I went.

12:10 am

My grandmother woke me up because Alex went to pick me up. Shoot, I almost forgot that I had to go to work for a 4-hour rest-day overtime. I was myself already so I knew I had to apologize to Alex. Before I could say anything, he surprised me by apologizing and gave me one long-stemmed red rose. I can't remember if I ever had a boyfriend who did that in spite of the obvious fact that I'm the one who should say sorry.

All's well, ends well, as the saying goes if I remember correctly. It is now 1 in the afternoon and I had to get dressed and ready in a couple of minutes because Alex and I are going to SM North. I made a deal online on the book The Fifth Mountain by Paul Coelho and I'm meeting the seller later.

Oh and note for myself today; too much caffeine is a fucking bitch so avoid being overdosed with it.

My New Beloved

06-24-2009 Wednesday

I'm probably the last person you'd expect to like anything Japanese, Japanese dramas, actress, music, etc. Don't get me wrong, it's not about being a discriminating a-hole but let's just say that I have other preference when it comes to foreign country art/music and stuff.

In spite of that, I found myself, just now, searching online for more photos of Erica Sawajiri. Yeah yeah, the girl I was bragging about from 1 Liter of Tears. What can I say, I'm in love with her. She's cute, hands down, she can sing and according to some stuff I've read, she's a bitch behind the innocent girl smile. Wow. If that's true, I still wouldn't give a damn. Hell, she's pretty.

So far, my treasure hunt for nice pictures of her on the web is successful and I've saved these babies on my computer too.

I'm still reading some more info about her and there's one thing I am uneasy about. She's married and her husband is waaay older than her? She's 22 and he's 44? Who am I to judge, right? But still... Sigh..

Labels: 1 Liter of Tears, Erica Sawajiri, Japanese, pink crimson

Honda Alpha

06-21-2009 Sunday

I would like to share some photos of my red Honda Alpha (soon to be pink, hopefully, when I can already afford a paint job for it). It's not the newest or most up-to-date model for a motorcycle but it's the fruit of my labor, that's more than enough of a reason to be proud of it. :)

(My Alex on my Alpha)

(My Damien right there..)

(Is that Damien in the background?? :) )

(Alex, Damien and the motorcycle)

As you can see, we still have some pa-pogi things to do on that like mags, new side-mirror, seat-cover etc. But for now, I like it just the way it is.

Labels: alex, Honda Alpha, pink crimson, red

Ugly Lies

06-19-2009 Friday

I was just thinking, (trust me, this is merely out of boredom and not about anything else), how many more things do I not know or had not known about my ex, Mac? After all that's said and done, he turned out to be someone completely different than who I thought he is. Okay, I don't mean to still post about him but I can't help it. I know it's all in the past but somehow I still feel connected to it especially since I kept on discovering other things about him. Things that I think I deserve to know before but he kept from me after I thought he's confessed everything.

The most disappointing thing is that I trusted him before, when we're still together. I tried to forget about any doubts I have in the back of my mind whenever he tells me I gotta trust him blah-blah-blah. Gee, that shit-faced schmuck tells ugly lies.This isn't about bitterness, mind you, hell, maybe a bit but it's more because of a bruised ego.

Earlier today, when I was on my way home, (I rode the jeepney since Alex can't pick me up), I saw him on that same yellow jeepney where we used to ride whenever he'll pick me up or if we just wanna hang-out. He still tags along with his friend, who drives the jeep. I must admit, I missed hanging out with them on that jeep, that yellow jeep where they play the same freakin songs from his freakin cellphone every freakin day. They didn't see me, though, they were driving the opposite way.

I got a glimpse of him as they passed by. He's still wearing one of those old red t-shirts he has. The t-shirt with a few holes at the hem, where I'll poke my finger in which will make the holes in the fabric appear larger. He has the same far away look in his eyes as he stare out in the road but he has a small smile across his face. They seem to be talking about something funny. I was nostalgic for awhile as I remembered the times we've laughed about practically everything.

A wave of emotion hit me hard after seeing him again. Even if it's just for a few seconds, I remembered an entire month that we're a pair, the pain, the excuses, the tears I've shed for nothing but lies. I thought I'm ready to face him again, but I've come to the conclusion that when it comes to him, I'm never right about anything. All I want to do when I see him is kick the hell out of him, pry his lanky body open and separate his skin from his bones. As morbid as it may sound, that's how pissed off I am with what he did.

When I got home, I received a text message from my friend, Potpot, who also tags along on a jeepney ride, and he happens to know Mac. After some exchanges of 'how are yous', I mentioned to him that if he ever come across Mac, I want him to do me a favor and punch that guy on the face, real hard, pretty please. He said that he's not surprised at all that Mac did that but I'm the one surprised when he non chalantly told me that Mac is married anyway so letting him go is for the better. I read his text message again, twice, hoping that my eyes were wrong. 'He's married anyway so it's for the better'. For a moment, I felt like the wind has been knocked out of me, there's that familiar feeling again, the pain, like the one I felt when he confessed that he has a son. Yet, this one felt more harrowing, it stings the wound I thought has healed. When I gained composure, I told Pot-pot that he's not married to the girl, all I know is that they have a son, to that he replied as 'If you say so. I might as well stay out of it because you might think I'm meddling in your personal life'. I didn't reply. I was afraid of what I will discover. I don't think I'm ready yet.

He's married. Whether I admit it or not, it made perfect sense. I knew-uhh no, sensed, it right from the beginning. He said before that the reason why he can't introduce me to his family yet is because they might not approve him to be in another relationship again after fathering a child from another girl. I tried to understand that, I did. I was fine with it, I waited. For Christ's sake, I waited. Besides, I remember him telling me before that we could get married or we could live together so I should've known that if he was able to tell me that, how much more to the mother of her child which I doubt she'll decline especially since she's pregnant already. The irony is that when he told me he'll introduce me soon, that's the time he walked away. He's fucking married. That could be true. Pot-Pot sounded so sure of it even though it's just thru a text message.

I was fooled not once, but a lot of times, by him. I should've listened to what everyone was telling me about that asshole. What good is a relationship if your partner doesn't tell you everything? I look at it as lying, because you're hiding something. You're not being completely honest. That's why I was wondering now that it's all over, how much do I really know about Mac? Is the Mac that I was with before, real? Does he even breathe? Or is he just a picture of deceit painted for me?

I'm not bitter because I still have feelings for him, I don't (or do I?..Hmm...yeah, I don't), I'm bitter because my ego is bruised. Hey come on, boys should know it better, right? The fact that you were lied to, were led to believe about certain things, and were wounded so bad by someone you trusted so much and loved so much are all enough to bust your goddamn swelled ego.

It's not fair. Shit. Karma found me afterall.

Labels: karma, lies, mac, pink crimson

Paper Doll Dreams

06-18-2009 Thursday

Fuck the crappy title I put up. It doesn't have something to do with what I will post for this entry. I posted it for the heck of it, hey it sounds cute right? I feel cute, that's why. If it still doesn't make any sense to you, I'm sorry, too much caffeine and a graveyard shift for 11 friggin' hours at work are enough to destroy some of my precious brain cells. Got that? You wit' me? Uh-huh.

NOTE: These words are all quoted from Alex, yes MY Alex,my boyfriend and hopefully my someone for the long haul. These are snippets of the things he usually tells me when we're together, (some of it, before we're together) or when we have some petty fights, yeah all those blah. I compiled it in my head, translated everything in english offuckincourse, and posted it here since I'll be damned if I don't have anything else to do aside from taking calls here at work. Yep, you guessed it, I'm currently at work right at this very moment, 2:56 in the friggin' morning.

*This is me, in his eyes, his own words. This is the side of me, I usually hide but now, it's for everyone to read...if it matters to you or not, I wouldn't know, what matters is, it mattered to me...

You were there, in your vintage red tee, fitted black jeans, violet pumps and on top of it all, a beautiful, unassuming face, who walked towards me. What you didn't know is that you didn't just walk across the street, you walked into my life and changed me. I remember that day exactly, with the rain drizzling softly from the sky above us. When we were introduced, I couldn't help but smile and you smiled back. I didn't know if it's the cheap booze we were drinking that time or the moment itself, but I was stunned for a minute or two by the arresting smile you gave me.

Where did it began? Let me think. It was when we were standing in line to buy the t-shirts. (me: hahaha I knew it, it's the same for me.) You made a joke remember? About the girl who brought her mom with her at the Slam? (me: Yes, my baby love, I do remember)

I can bet my life it's fate that made you left your t-shirt in my bag. Had it not happened, I'll probably have a hard time trying to get you to go out with me. God, you don't know how thankful I was when I saw your t-shirt neatly folded inside my bag when I got home. You should've seen me smile to myself like God-knows-what when I realized you'll be the first one to text me because of this t-shirt. I was thrilled with the idea of seeing you again.

We did meet again. Everything I told you that night is true. I meant every word. You said it's too soon but it's not too soon when I'm already madly in love with you. I know you have someone else at that time but I'm willing to win over him. I wanted to have you. Take you away from him. (me: You got me) I did, and once again, I'm thankful.

You tend to be so childish at times and I should hate you for that but I ended up being amused in spite of myself. You always pout whenever I can't give you what you want so I just try to explain myself, which will make you pout even more. The pout that I ended up wanting to see because I want to take it off your face with a gentle kiss. (me: Jesus.)

You know what else? (me: Yeah?) You cry easily. I never knew that about you until I got to know you better. I can't believe at first that the girl I was with at the Slam who runs in the middle of the mosh-pit, acts tough when she's with the boys and jumps like a kid is the same girl who can cry buckets of tears over the smallest things. I don't want to see you cry, much more if it's because of me however, you still amuse me when your face turn red from crying and your eyes glisten with tears. I used to tease you as a drama princess but believe me, I was just teasing you, I want nothing else but to hug you tenderly when you cry.

You're the first girl I ever introduced to my family. I don't know how or why I knew but I just knew.. I simply knew... I see myself with you. You can't cook, neither can I but if I have to cook for you, I will. You're fine with sunny side-up egg and hotdogs, right? (me: Dang.)

They say that we wouldn't know what we're missing until it arrives and damn right that's true! After being disappointed by someone I took seriously before, I vowed to myself that I don't want to look for anyone anymore. If someone will come, then so be it. You came. You arrived. So I said, you're the one. You should be. I didn't ask for someone but He gave me more than any guy could ask for.

You warned me that you're hard to understand that I might get fed up with you and leave you. Well let me tell you something, I ain't going nowhere. There's nowhere to go. I'll be patient with you. I'll understand you. No matter what the situation is, I will not leave you. Yes, baby you tend to gimme headache sometimes with your behavior that doesn't want to admit defeat but what else can I do, it's all part of being you and I love you, I love everything about you. I'll never get tired, seeing your breathtaking eyes staring at me, I know that what I have is something I don't ever wanna give up for anything else in this world.

I love you.
(me: I love you, too, sweetie pie)
I love you more.

Labels: alex, love, pink crimson, slam

A Glimpse of the Has-been

06-17-2009 Wednesday

It's been more than a month since I came up with the conclusion that my beloved, lying bastard of an ex has died after being crushed by elephants that fell from the sky and just vanished from the face of the earth without a trace. Well, guess what, the bastard is still alive and breathing (rah-cheer).

Two days ago, I was slumped in front of this same computer that I'm typing on now, singing to myself as I check my Facebook account. I was surprised to see a comment from Mac on the photo album I made for me and Alex. He just said that he's sorry for not texting, he lost his phone, he wished me all the best and all that blah blah to show he's not bitter that I found someone new. What do I expect anyway? Of course he's not bitter about the whole Alex thing because I doubt if he even loved me before.

I decided to take the opportunity to send him a message and tell him everything I wasn't able to say before his mysterious disappearance. Even though I kept it short, I said everything that I felt, how disappointed I was, no holds barred and I ended it thanking him for leaving me because I found Alex who is far more better to keep than him. After I saw the prompt on the browser, telling me that my message has been sent, I felt relieved. I was finally able to tell him what I really feel about him screwing things up between us. He'll finally read what it was like to me, not that I'm expecting him to care or give a shit but what matters is I was able to tell him what he's supposed to know.

Yesterday, I read his reply. He said it's good that I'm happy and he can see that and as for him, he's alone, without a cellphone, without anyone. He also said that if I have time, I can still join them on a drinking session at our usual place, Kuya Joey's lair. Huh, not even a word of sorry if you'll notice. I casually replied some words a friend will say to an old friend. Yeah, that's what we are now. Old friends. Not exes because our relationship has been more shallow than that.

One of the things he said stuck in my mind. 'if I have time, I can still join them on a drinking session at our usual place, Kuya Joey's lair', and what, see him again? I pondered it. It will be interesting to see him again after all this time, after all that has happened to us and after shattering every pieces of myself which I'm able to get back together with the help of Alex. It's all in the past anyway, isn't it?

I have moved on, no doubt about that. I am so head over heels in love this time. I was just thinking that Alex, for sure, wouldn't like the idea of me hanging out with my ex, much more if it includes being induced with alcohol. I can't invite him to join anyway because that will be the most uncomfortable situation which I don't wanna put myself in.

Hell, come to think of it maybe that will be possible in the future. Mac and his cousins with me and Alex just hanging out (think Gwen Stefani's video, Cool). His cousins are a bunch of nice and funny people that's why I missed laughing with them. They've been more real to me than Mac. Yeah, it could be possible in the future, not soon though. Someday maybe. When all wounds are healed, scars are barely visible and the has been is nothing but an ancient past. But for now, Alex is mine, I'm his and Mac is all but a simple acquaintance, so let's leave it at that.

Labels: alex, mac, past

Back to Being Boring..and some thoughts about Blogging..

06-15-2009 Monday

For some reasons, I have mixed-up emotions about going back to work after a long vacation. I'm worried about selling because I might've forgotten my selling skills during my hibernation period. Later, I will be back to be the boring, workaholic Monica (a name, if you're not yet aware, I'm known over the phone when I talk to dozens of Americans at work) and say bye bye to the lazy ass Pusa (a name I'm known here) who gets to sleep for 12 fucking hours, straight. Sure I'll miss being a sloth but at the same time, I'm anxious to go back to work, hit my goals and get this month's commission. Oh well, gotta keep the fire of anticipation burning to brush off any negativity that could distract me later.
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Here I am this afternoon typing on this computer (time check: 1:11pm) while everyone around me sleeps, when I say everyone, I meant my grandmother who's sprawled on the floor beside the computer table, my dog Damien, blocking our front door and my cats Natalie and Lena curled up in a chair (my other cat Shelby is nowhere to be found). As you can tell, I'm the only living thing awake right now, that's because I just woke up not more than 2 hours ago, haha.

I have nothing to update that might interest you, besides I don't post blog updates for all you readers sake (if there's any. Hmm *glances at the Hits Counter), it's more for my own sake. Writing has been my way of exorcising my personal demons that haunt me from time to time. I can say that I've left my rebellion days behind but there are still times when I lose my mind and I do some fucked-up things, things I'd rather not talk about. Besides, I'm sure that everyone is guilty of doing things that we're not supposed to, right? When it comes to regrets, I have a lot but I choose not to dwell on those things and just move forward.

When I write, I don't just write, I cut a piece of myself and put it into words. I use this blog to express some random thoughts, share some of my opinions on certain things, or simply release my pent-up emotions. Also, I look at it as an interactive way of keeping track of everything that's happening in my life. Something that I can simply click if I want to visit the past, if I want to be reminded of what I used to be or how I dealt with a certain bullshit I encountered. I used to keep diaries when I was younger and there's this heaping pile of notebooks labeled as 'diary' stashed under my bed but when I realized how much space it consumes, I thought an online journal wouldn't be so bad.

I've been browsing blogs of random people recently and to be honest, I am disappointed. All I read are rants about some stupid shitty nonsense, complaints about how ugly they looked but when you scroll down, you see a big photo of them in their most glamorous pose, complaints about how their life sucked just because they couldn't fix their hair right. Nonsense, crappy, random bullshits.

Most people think that being a controversial attention whore will get others to be interested in your blog. What the fuck is that about? You put up a blog, if people liked it, they'll visit it, if not, who gives a fuck? You don't even have to be such a big baby and post about how you feel that life is unfair because no one seemed to visit your blog. Un-fucking-believable.

How can some people claim that life is unfair to them today when in fact life has been unfair even before they sprouted into this earth? No one has the right to complain, anyway. Everyone undergoes a certain bullshit in their lives so don't you ever claim, for one second, that the burden you have is heavier than what others carry on their shoulders. Take a good look around you to see that there are people around your age who lives under a footbridge and barely eats a full 3 meal a day. What's even more mind-boggling to me is the fact that, ironically, the people who has good looks, clear complexion, nice hair, a trim body and a decent house to live in are the same exact people who complain a lot and claim that life is unfair to them.

Complaining will get you nowhere so if I were you, I'll think of something better to write, or just crawl to a hole and sulk for eternity.
Or better yet, start digging up your own grave. Life sucks for you, right? Try meeting up with Death.

Labels: blogging, pink crimson, rants, work

I'm a Pain in his Ass

06-14-2009 Sunday

I thought I've understood Alex's situation with the family he's currently living with. I thought I've accepted the truth that he can't always be there and there'll be times that he can cancel our date whenever he's needed by them, no matter how early that date has been planned. Just one snap of their finger, they can call up Alex, say 'hey we've decided to go here and here and here' and Alex has to oblige. He has no choice, neither do I.

Believe me folks, I tried to understand but my selfishness is getting in the way.

Like yesterday, we planned to go to this gig in Fort Bonifacio. I was really excited since this will be the first time we'll go to a gig together as a couple and gigs meant a lot to us for a reason you sould know why if you're able to read one of my previous blog posts. I charged my digi-cam, prepared my clothes and waited happily for our meet-up in Quezon Ave.

My cellphone beeped and he texted me saying that he can't come tonight because they need him to drive them to Pampanga and they will leave early in the morning. Fuck. I'm not supposed to be mad or anything but I can't help it. I tried to hide what I really feel so I just said, that's fine but I have to find a companion for that gig. I did try to text some friends of mine who might be available that night but no one was. I was really upset. We planned to go to this gig since May and I promised my friend who plays for a certain band that will perform there, that I will come to watch him. Now just because they suddenly have to go to Pampanga, all those turned to smoke? Crap.

I can no longer hide my disappointment so we had a fight over the phone. I almost said I'll break up with him because it's tiring for both of us. I feel like it's not working. I'm aware that this will not be the last time that we have to cancel whatever it is we planned. It sucks that we can never plan ahead of time for anything because certain shit like this will always ruin everything. Including our relationship and my trust with his words, maybe.

What's disappointing is that he gave me his word in spite of knowing that things like this can happen. I would prefer that if ever I want to go somewhere, he can just say he's not sure, at least I'm not given any reason to expect.

He said that he'll go with me so I won't be mad. No way, I'm not that heartless to let him attend a gig, not have any sleep at all and then he'll drive for hours to some shitty wherever. That's more than selfishness already.

I told him, if possible, I don't want to see him for awhile. He asked why and I said that I don't want to get used to him always around me because I know he can't. Also, I want to go back to what we used to be. No commitments or anything. No reason for me to get upset because I have no right. He was like, 'are you breaking up?' to which I replied, 'Sort of' and I didn't bother to reply again.

1:02am

I was in bed when I heard a motorcycle park in front of our house. Curious, I peeked from the window and was surprised to find Alex outside. I slowly got out of bed, tiptoed to the door and opened it.

There he was, a sad figure in the middle of the night, his hair a bit disheveled and his eyes, glistening in despair.

We talked. He was crying. I can tell he was tired and instead of sleeping at this time of the night, he was there with me, to tell me that we're not breaking up, to tell me how much he loved me. He hugged me tight and caressed my face. God, he meant every word. I want to cry but I'm too overwhelmed by what he did. None of my exes ever did something like this. His effort and all that, just to say he won't lose me, he won't let me walk away just like that. He said it has been hard for him to take me away from Mac and now that he have me, he will not let everything go to waste.

I don't want to lose him, either. But why am I having a hard time understanding his situation? Why am I this selfish? Why do I ask too much? How can I stop feeling disappointed and hurt if he can't be with me at the time when we're supposed to be together? I guess I have to try harder to understand. It's not gonna be easy but if he was able to sacrifice a lot of things and fight for me, then I can do the same thing for him, can't I?

Labels: alex, break-up, pink crimson

The Nightmares are Back

06-13-2009 Saturday

I find myself inside a car, driving really fast on a highway, the speedometer screams 140kph, there is a warning signal ahead but I ignored anything that will stop me from feeling free and from feeling the rush of adrenalin channeling throughout my veins. The windows of the car are open and the wind is blowing my hair wildly. I smiled against the extreme wind, savoring the moment. Just as I'm about to turn left, a huge figure stepped out and I hit the brakes just in time. The car halted and the lights shone on the figures in front of me.

I screamed when I saw the distorted figures of three teenage girls, obviously slaughtered mercilessly. They're missing some parts of their face like the eyes, ears and mouth. Their stomachs are big and bloody, as if they we're about to give birth normally but the baby clawed out of them instead. My hands trembled and I couldn't move. They were walking towards me but I was frozen, all I did was stare at their eyeless face and wait for them to rip me apart because I was damn sure that's what they're supposed to do. I was ready to die when someone sat beside me in the car, a faceless guy who whispered that it's alright, that the three girls will soon go away. He was right. I looked in front of me and saw that the figures turned into a black vapor. They were gone.

"They always haunt this place. They were raped." Mr. Faceless told me and in a second, he too turned into a vapor and disappeared.

1:06am

I woke up, sweating. I grabbed my cellphone and saw that it's only 1:06am. It was a dream, no a nightmare. I was breathing heavily, afraid to close my eyes again, thinking that the slaughtered teenagers' faces will be the ones I'll see. I hugged my pillow and listened to the silence around me. There's no sound except for the soft snore of my grandma and mom who are both sleeping on the top bunk. I suddenly wished I'm sleeping with them but of course I can't squeeze in between them, two is pretty crowded already on our double deck beds. I sighed which is amplified because of the ear-splitting silence, and I thought of Alex. I suddenly wished he's beside me to scare away these nightmares.

I used to have a lot of gruesome nightmares, night after night. It involves bloody faces of those people I don't know, serial killers who eat a person's flesh, axe murderers who chop bodies to pieces, and me being chased by creatures that crawled out from underneath the earth. When I tell those nightmares in the morning, my grandma will tell me to stop watching morbid films at night because I tend to bring those scary characters with me in my dreams. I would shrug my shoulders and still watch some more gore films before going to sleep.

You see, gore movies fascinate me. I like the idea of a killer wandering around, chopping heads of literal strangers on the street, or an endless chase with a psycho. The heart stopping flicks about death, fighting for survival and lots of blood and guts. Films that people with a weak stomach wouldn't dare watch. The more killings, murders, tortures, the better. Still, I don't believe that being hooked into those types of films would cause such nightmares. I think I get nightmares because of too much anger that I always keep inside.

I was angry about a lot of things before. My father abandoning us, my mother not having a job and simply not being a mother to me at all, and the fact that I have to work my ass off while people around my age should be at school, pursuing a course in college. But those days of rebellion are over. I've come to forgive, forget and accept what's happening to me now rather than ranting about it. There's no reason to complain anyway. All of us have to go through a certain shit to test who will come out stronger and better. If you spend most of the time complaining about the things you can't change, then you'll never move forward, hence, you'll be left behind by others who are far more willing to survive.

Life, it's just a big morbid film about survival. We all play characters and it's up to us if we want to be eaten up alive by some crazed bastard or if we want to pick up fucking shotgun and shot all those motherfuckers who get in the way. We decide. Fate is given to us and we all have our own ways of dealing with it. Destiny is bullshit, it's still up to you to make things happen.

Now about my nightmares.... Shush, never mind.

Labels: gore films, nightmare, pink crimson, survival

Is there Something Wrong?

06-11-2009 Thursday

Today, my grandma saw a lot of bruises on my backside which is something I haven't noticed before. She pointed it out while I was taking a bath on the door-less bathroom and I have my back on her. Surprised, I looked at it in front of the full body length mirror and I was terrified to see the bruises, big and black just below my right butt cheek. She asked me what happened to me and I said I don't remember ever being bumped into something that can cause a bruise as ugly as this. I also have some small bruises on my legs which seemed to be healing but I never thought I have a lot on other parts of my body. What's that about? Am I sick?

I remember Mario, my ex, easily develops a bruise with just a simple pinch and when he went to the doctor, he was told that he's anemic. So does that mean I'm anemic too? I feel fine. Even if I lack sleep, I don't faint or feel sick or weak. I'm a healthy pig, as far as I know.

I just finished the annual physical exam which is required at work and there seemed to be nothing wrong with my blood test results, X-ray results, etc. so I'm really puzzled with these bruises that just seem to come out of nowhere. They didn't just sprout in my butt, did they?

My grandma is worried so I promised her that I'll visit the clinic on our office once I get back to work just so I can have a doctor look at it.

That's just something I wanted to share today. Other than that, it's simply another boring afternoon.

Labels: boring, bruise, physical exam, pink crimson

I'm Getting Fat.. and that's fine.

06-10-2009 Wednesday

I've gained some weight these past few days that I'm on vacation. The delicious food that my grandma always prepares is the one to blame. Oh and also my daily routine. I sleep at 10pm then I wake up at 11 in the morning, just in time to eat lunch, then after eating, I would sit in front of the computer then when my eyes get tired I lie on my bed and eventually fall asleep again. The routine of a total sloth, ain't it?

I don't have any form of exercise so I wouldn't be surprise if my cholesterol level is at it's peak. I feel too stressed and exhausted and I dread the thought of sweating,come on,the temperature is too hot that I'm already sweating even when I'm just sitting down. In a week or so, I'll be a pig. No maybe even worse. A boar.

I really don't care about being fat. I'm not like most girls who go on a diet, eat less, do aerobics or anything like that just to lose weight. That's crap. Everyone wants to be thin and when their pants tightened up a bit, they panic and rant about how fat they are, how ugly they are, how messy their hair looks. They criticize themselves too much. Most girls have this behavior that's why I have very few girl friends. Most of my friends are boys. You can wrestle with them all day and they wouldn't care about how their hair looks like or how dirty and smelly they are.

What's up with most girls anyway? They care too much about their looks yet they care less about others? Observe a Friendster or Facebook profile of a girl. It's filled with their best looking pictures but when you read the caption, it says something like, 'Oh no I look ugly please don't view'. What's up with that? You're posting a picture where in you seem to have applied way too much make-up just to look good yet you still criticize yourself? I never thought that narcissism and hypocrisy can blend that way.

As for myself, I like who I am and what I look like. If I have a good photo to share, I share it and I put a decent caption, something that neither brags nor rants. I don't believe that being thin means you are beautiful and sexy. I don't believe that you have to find fault in yourself often, to be honest I think that some people do it to get attention and to get other people tell them otherwise.

I'm satisfied with what I am. I never wished to be somebody else. I'm all about loving myself because this is where we begin to love others. I look in the mirror and as long as the girl looking back at me is healthy and smiling, I could've cared less of what others have to say.

smile!

Labels: girls, pink crimson, rants, thin

Grow Up. Shit.

06-09-2009 Tuesday

2:23 am
Typing in front of the computer, sipping my beloved hot chocolate on a styrofoam cup with it's rim now marked with my lipstick, headset on both ears, trying to update my blog to prevent dozing off while waiting for another call. I just painted a picture in your head of what I'm doing right at this moment, at this ungodly hour of 2 am.

Now, let's see, what's there to update:

Alex came to our house to pick me up which is surprising because I'm not really expecting him. I was happy, of course but at the same time he had me worried sick. He has a fever, he's still coughing, and he looks really tired. I felt bad for myself. I was thinking,maybe he came in spite of being sick because he doesn't want to upset me. I feel like he's thinking he needed to make up for not coming to our house last Sunday. I feel selfish. Yeah, I am really selfish.

I wanted to have Alex beside me most of the time. I wanted him to be there whenever I need him. I wanted to see him every single day and be able to cuddle him, have him pamper me and treat me like a baby like what he always did. He's really spoiling me and maybe he's starting to regret that and it's all my fault. I demand a lot, too much maybe, that I'm forgetting that he has to be with the family that adopted him so he can have a place to stay here in Manila.

As you all know from my previous posts, his entire family lives in Cavite. He went to Manila a few years ago to get a decent job. After the contract in the agency, he was jobless therefore, he could no longer afford to rent a place to stay. During those times, he's already friends with the family that lives right beside the place where he used to stay. He was supposed to go back to Cavite and leave Manila for good but he was adopted to stay with the family that he was good friends with. Ate Weng, whom I was already introduced to, let Alex stay on their boarding house while in Manila and in return, Alex has to be there to drive for them whenever they will go some place. Ate Weng has an owner type jeep, Alex has a professional driver's license, sounds favorable right?

It has worked out for Alex that way, but being involved with me, who makes even the simplest things complicated, it has caused some troubles for us and being the selfish me, I was thinking that I don't own Alex completely. Like a couple of weeks ago, he was not able to pick me up from work because he has to drive them to Bulacan and it was very inconvenient that I have to borrow money from my colleague just so I can afford a fare to go home. That was fine at that time but lately, I feel like whenever we have to go some place, we have to check with them first if they need Alex and if they do, then Alex and I have to reschedule. I feel like I was sharing Alex with them. See how selfish I am?

I also remember the time when we went to Cavite, Alex didn't tell them that he was with me. We were gone for a couple of days and Alex's cellphone kept on beeping because they kept on bugging him that he needs to go home, they need him for this shit, that shit, to which Alex did not reply. When he was about to go home, Ate Weng sent him a message telling him that he can pack his things once he get home and he can mind his own life from then on. I read it, it was brief yet crystal clear. Alex just ignored it, he seemed to be used to it but to me it was a big deal. He will get in trouble because of me? He will get kicked out of the house because we went to Cavite? I told him I was worried and he just said, 'Ate Weng's just mad, they need me tomorrow, no biggie'.

We have talked about it already, it was when we were drinking a few days ago in Malate. He told me that I have to understand his situation with them, he assured me that I'm not sharing him with them and that I'm still his first priority. He said he can promise to be there as much as he could but he can't promise his time. While he was explaining, I was staring at the bottles of beer in front of us, wondering how many of it will take before I get drunk and forget about being selfish. He knew I was half listening to him so he sighed loudly and told me about the last time he was scolded after coming home late. "The reason why we adopted you here is so we can make you useful to us. That's it. Why in the hell will we make you stay if we can't use you? You're not paying for the rent or anything, so you should at least do something to pay us one way or another." he said it after gulping down the remaining of his beer, then he looked directly at me, "What will you feel if you we're told those words?". I met his gaze and I saw the agony in his eyes. Right then and there, I was ashamed of myself.

How could I be so selfish? I'm only thinking of myself. I was asking Alex too much as if his love for me isn't enough. He was begging me not to get mad if ever there will be times that he can't pick me up or visit or go out with me. He begged me to understand and not be so childish most of the time. He said that if he's not patient with me, we would always fight for sure. I know that's true. I'm his spoiled and bratty young girlfriend.

The reason why I wanted someone older than me (Alex is 24 turning 25, I'm 20) is because I wanted to be taken care of, be spoiled, be showered with attention, you know all those things that was taken away from me ever since my dad left us. My mother also told me before that she's allowing me to have a boyfriend because she thought that maybe that will keep me from longing for a father's love. Argh, the drama in my life wouldn't stop.

I understood Alex. I know that I almost have him decide to choose between me and the family that adopted him, but that's just simply being immature. I have to face the reality that I have to grow up for the sake of everyone around me. It's not all the time that they will understand me. It's not like the world will stop and I'll always be young, even though that's what I'm always wishing for every time my birthday comes.

I don't like to grow up, even frightened of it. Adults seemed to have forgotten what it's like to be young, adults seemed to be obligated to work their ass off, adults seemed to be restricted from having innocent fun, and most importantly, being an adult means people are expecting a lot from you, to become a good example and to not make mistakes. Well, that's bullshit. Everybody makes mistakes. It doesn't matter how old or how young you are, you are human and there's nothing wrong with committing mistakes as long as you learn from it, make it a stepping stone to move forward. Blah, whatever, growing up and anything that has something to do about becoming an adult terrifies me. But right now, I think I really have to.

There was a quote sent to me by a friend of mine and it simply read, "Growing old is inevitable, but growing up is optional". Optional huh? Right now, I don't have much of a choice, do I?

Labels: alex, grow-up, selfish, work

Back to Work..for a day

06-08-2009 Monday

My eyes are sore from crying after finishing the last 2 episodes of 1 Liter of Tears. Heck, what can I say, the show was touching and as you already know, a story like this is one of my weakness.

Anyway, later I'll be going back to work after a week and 3 days leave but after that I'll be on leave again for the rest of this week. Haha, I wanted to quit working now but I really can't so not going to work for awhile is the closest thing I can get. Besides, I need to rest my mind, and my body needs to be replenished with normal sleep hours instead of always trying to get some sleep in the afternoon. My sleep lately has been from 10 or 11 at night until 11 in the morning, ahh refreshing ain't it?

Yes I've come to love my work, my colleagues and all that but still, nothing beats being a lazy ass and just sleep around all day. However, that also means not having any money to spend. Well, I'd rather be boring and rich than a be a total sloth and be broke. What do you think?

Labels: 1 Liter of Tears, broke, sloth, work

Crying my Eyes Out

06-07-2009 Sunday

I'll say this straight out, I despise Telenovelas, Koreanovelas, Japanovelas, all those craps boring people watch on TV at night or some, in the afternoon. For me, it's disgusting and it's stereotyped. Want proof? Don't you see? The story lines are all the same, love story boy meets rich girl, a bitchy but gorgeous chick comes between them, someone died, someone get kidnapped, someone screw this whore..oops. There's nothing new. The worst part is when those stupid TV channels ran out of craps to show on TV, they stoop lower by doing a terrible remake of this film from the 80's, or this equally crappy Korean show. God, I'd rather turn off my TV and get hammered elsewhere on a cold, boring night.

Those are the reasons why I don't watch TV often. However, a certain show caught my attention. GMA 7 is making another big deal out of this Japanese show '1 Liter of Tears'.

It's not the advertisements or comments about it that made me want to watch it because those were, without a doubt, exaggerated to attract innocent people to watch. It's the story itself. I have another thing to say straight out; my weakness is a good tearjerker film or show about death. Geez, you don't want to sit beside me while watching Titanic or A Walk To Remember because I'll probably keep on bugging you for a tissue or you'll simply be annoyed by my loud sniffs.

Instead of watching it on TV and be disappointed at how poorly it was dubbed, I bought a DVD copy in Quiapo, slipped it on my DVD player, pushed play and watched it for the next one hour or so. It has 11 episodes so obviously I'm not done yet. Hmm, let's see, as I'm writing this, I just finished watching the 9th episode. I'm 2 episodes away and guess what, the trash can beside me is almost overflowing with crumpled tissue. Christ, I was crying my eyes out since episode 1. I'm disgustingly hooked to it.

1 Liter of Tears in spite of having a cheesy title which I honestly did not like, will definitely tug at your heartstrings and bring out waterworks from your eyes. It is a story about hope, life, battling with a sickness and acceptance that death is not far beyond, that death, just like life, is a reality. It is about having the courage to face the future that will never be. A great story based on real life even though I think that the love interest of Aya is just made up for TV to spice up the show. Besides, a telenovela wouldn't be complete without a love story right? Good thing the love story part did not suck. Applause. Good thing they chose an actress who is actually cute and doesn't look like most Japanese actresses. Another applause.

Ahh I love this chick. I have to go and do some research about her. After that I might need to go out and buy another roll of tissue...

Labels: 1 Liter of Tears, tearjerker, telenovela

Boring!

06-05-2009 Friday

Now I know why I'm not a morning person. Mornings are boring, including afternoons. The actual fun and excitement really begin at night time. Try to drink beer in the afternoon: gross. Try it at night: smooth. See what I'm saying?

Today I did nothing but eat, watch TV, surf the net, stare outside and watch the rain pour mercilessly against the cemented ground, then eat, watch TV, surf the net..well, you get the picture right?

Oh by the way, I just finished watching my pirated, horrible dvd copy of Angels and Demons and I can say that the director of this film (I didn't even bother do some research because he's the same guy behind The Da Vinci Code) didn't fail to once again bastardize (if there's such a word) Dan Brown's novel. A novel as good as this needs to be justified on the big screen but unfortunately, there's no justice at all. Hey, I don't have anything against Tom Hanks, matter of fact, he portrayed Robert Langdon perfectly. It's the film itself and oh, I don't blame it on the terrible taken-from-a-movie-theater quality of the copy I got because had it been high quality, it will be more disappointing for sure. Sadly, very few films manage to capture the essence of a novel where they base the story on. Maybe there are some things that needs to stay where it is, like if it's a novel, let it stay on paper, right where it's supposed to be.

Labels: Angels and Demons, dvd, novel

Still on Vacation....

06-04-2009 Thursday

(Sweeet..)

Is it the first time I'm updating this blog for this month? Haha, sorry I've been busy with a lot of things while I'm on this week long vacation: Alex, getting my student's license,and of course, strolling around the metro after getting that precious license.

I haven't posted my motorcycle yet, have I? I guess not. I haven't taken a picture of it yet since some parts needs to be made up and Alex is in the process of making it oh-so-beautiful and oh-so-presentable for a reason that's nothing new with guys: It's all about the looks. *roll eyes*. Well, just so you have an idea of what it looks like, it's a Red Honda Alpha. (Go ahead, Google it!)

Yesterday, I went to LTO Novaliches and was finally able to get my student's permit/license. Hah, watch out, a new crazed driver is on the loose! I can't wait to get a Non-Pro license after a month so that I can stroll around on my own, just to see how much I will crave the rush I get whenever I'm speeding on the highway, which is something that Alex doesn't really like about me. He gives me this weary look and says, "You're seriously out of yer mind.", to which I will respond with my Chesire Cat smile. It's not the first time I've been told that but the way he said it makes me wonder how he managed to still look and sound so fond of me.

After getting my permit, yesterday night Alex and I went to Quiapo with me driving the motorcycle. I was so excited to drive that far and I'm not even terrified of driving on the famous killer highway known as Commonwealth. I don't know, I guess I simply like speeding away, or I'm simply out of my mind just like what most people usually say.

I think that's it for now, the blinking digital clock beside me tells me that it's a few minutes after 11pm and my stomach feels really bad that I think I need to take a dump before hitting the sack. Uhh yeah, I really have to go.

Goodnight.

Labels: alex, license, LTO, vacation