I'm a Pain in his Ass

06-14-2009 Sunday

I thought I've understood Alex's situation with the family he's currently living with. I thought I've accepted the truth that he can't always be there and there'll be times that he can cancel our date whenever he's needed by them, no matter how early that date has been planned. Just one snap of their finger, they can call up Alex, say 'hey we've decided to go here and here and here' and Alex has to oblige. He has no choice, neither do I.

Believe me folks, I tried to understand but my selfishness is getting in the way.

Like yesterday, we planned to go to this gig in Fort Bonifacio. I was really excited since this will be the first time we'll go to a gig together as a couple and gigs meant a lot to us for a reason you sould know why if you're able to read one of my previous blog posts. I charged my digi-cam, prepared my clothes and waited happily for our meet-up in Quezon Ave.

My cellphone beeped and he texted me saying that he can't come tonight because they need him to drive them to Pampanga and they will leave early in the morning. Fuck. I'm not supposed to be mad or anything but I can't help it. I tried to hide what I really feel so I just said, that's fine but I have to find a companion for that gig. I did try to text some friends of mine who might be available that night but no one was. I was really upset. We planned to go to this gig since May and I promised my friend who plays for a certain band that will perform there, that I will come to watch him. Now just because they suddenly have to go to Pampanga, all those turned to smoke? Crap.

I can no longer hide my disappointment so we had a fight over the phone. I almost said I'll break up with him because it's tiring for both of us. I feel like it's not working. I'm aware that this will not be the last time that we have to cancel whatever it is we planned. It sucks that we can never plan ahead of time for anything because certain shit like this will always ruin everything. Including our relationship and my trust with his words, maybe.

What's disappointing is that he gave me his word in spite of knowing that things like this can happen. I would prefer that if ever I want to go somewhere, he can just say he's not sure, at least I'm not given any reason to expect.

He said that he'll go with me so I won't be mad. No way, I'm not that heartless to let him attend a gig, not have any sleep at all and then he'll drive for hours to some shitty wherever. That's more than selfishness already.

I told him, if possible, I don't want to see him for awhile. He asked why and I said that I don't want to get used to him always around me because I know he can't. Also, I want to go back to what we used to be. No commitments or anything. No reason for me to get upset because I have no right. He was like, 'are you breaking up?' to which I replied, 'Sort of' and I didn't bother to reply again.

1:02am

I was in bed when I heard a motorcycle park in front of our house. Curious, I peeked from the window and was surprised to find Alex outside. I slowly got out of bed, tiptoed to the door and opened it.

There he was, a sad figure in the middle of the night, his hair a bit disheveled and his eyes, glistening in despair.

We talked. He was crying. I can tell he was tired and instead of sleeping at this time of the night, he was there with me, to tell me that we're not breaking up, to tell me how much he loved me. He hugged me tight and caressed my face. God, he meant every word. I want to cry but I'm too overwhelmed by what he did. None of my exes ever did something like this. His effort and all that, just to say he won't lose me, he won't let me walk away just like that. He said it has been hard for him to take me away from Mac and now that he have me, he will not let everything go to waste.

I don't want to lose him, either. But why am I having a hard time understanding his situation? Why am I this selfish? Why do I ask too much? How can I stop feeling disappointed and hurt if he can't be with me at the time when we're supposed to be together? I guess I have to try harder to understand. It's not gonna be easy but if he was able to sacrifice a lot of things and fight for me, then I can do the same thing for him, can't I?

Labels: alex, break-up, pink crimson

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 8:53 PM