Ugly Lies

06-19-2009 Friday

I was just thinking, (trust me, this is merely out of boredom and not about anything else), how many more things do I not know or had not known about my ex, Mac? After all that's said and done, he turned out to be someone completely different than who I thought he is. Okay, I don't mean to still post about him but I can't help it. I know it's all in the past but somehow I still feel connected to it especially since I kept on discovering other things about him. Things that I think I deserve to know before but he kept from me after I thought he's confessed everything.

The most disappointing thing is that I trusted him before, when we're still together. I tried to forget about any doubts I have in the back of my mind whenever he tells me I gotta trust him blah-blah-blah. Gee, that shit-faced schmuck tells ugly lies.This isn't about bitterness, mind you, hell, maybe a bit but it's more because of a bruised ego.

Earlier today, when I was on my way home, (I rode the jeepney since Alex can't pick me up), I saw him on that same yellow jeepney where we used to ride whenever he'll pick me up or if we just wanna hang-out. He still tags along with his friend, who drives the jeep. I must admit, I missed hanging out with them on that jeep, that yellow jeep where they play the same freakin songs from his freakin cellphone every freakin day. They didn't see me, though, they were driving the opposite way.

I got a glimpse of him as they passed by. He's still wearing one of those old red t-shirts he has. The t-shirt with a few holes at the hem, where I'll poke my finger in which will make the holes in the fabric appear larger. He has the same far away look in his eyes as he stare out in the road but he has a small smile across his face. They seem to be talking about something funny. I was nostalgic for awhile as I remembered the times we've laughed about practically everything.

A wave of emotion hit me hard after seeing him again. Even if it's just for a few seconds, I remembered an entire month that we're a pair, the pain, the excuses, the tears I've shed for nothing but lies. I thought I'm ready to face him again, but I've come to the conclusion that when it comes to him, I'm never right about anything. All I want to do when I see him is kick the hell out of him, pry his lanky body open and separate his skin from his bones. As morbid as it may sound, that's how pissed off I am with what he did.

When I got home, I received a text message from my friend, Potpot, who also tags along on a jeepney ride, and he happens to know Mac. After some exchanges of 'how are yous', I mentioned to him that if he ever come across Mac, I want him to do me a favor and punch that guy on the face, real hard, pretty please. He said that he's not surprised at all that Mac did that but I'm the one surprised when he non chalantly told me that Mac is married anyway so letting him go is for the better. I read his text message again, twice, hoping that my eyes were wrong. 'He's married anyway so it's for the better'. For a moment, I felt like the wind has been knocked out of me, there's that familiar feeling again, the pain, like the one I felt when he confessed that he has a son. Yet, this one felt more harrowing, it stings the wound I thought has healed. When I gained composure, I told Pot-pot that he's not married to the girl, all I know is that they have a son, to that he replied as 'If you say so. I might as well stay out of it because you might think I'm meddling in your personal life'. I didn't reply. I was afraid of what I will discover. I don't think I'm ready yet.

He's married. Whether I admit it or not, it made perfect sense. I knew-uhh no, sensed, it right from the beginning. He said before that the reason why he can't introduce me to his family yet is because they might not approve him to be in another relationship again after fathering a child from another girl. I tried to understand that, I did. I was fine with it, I waited. For Christ's sake, I waited. Besides, I remember him telling me before that we could get married or we could live together so I should've known that if he was able to tell me that, how much more to the mother of her child which I doubt she'll decline especially since she's pregnant already. The irony is that when he told me he'll introduce me soon, that's the time he walked away. He's fucking married. That could be true. Pot-Pot sounded so sure of it even though it's just thru a text message.

I was fooled not once, but a lot of times, by him. I should've listened to what everyone was telling me about that asshole. What good is a relationship if your partner doesn't tell you everything? I look at it as lying, because you're hiding something. You're not being completely honest. That's why I was wondering now that it's all over, how much do I really know about Mac? Is the Mac that I was with before, real? Does he even breathe? Or is he just a picture of deceit painted for me?

I'm not bitter because I still have feelings for him, I don't (or do I?..Hmm...yeah, I don't), I'm bitter because my ego is bruised. Hey come on, boys should know it better, right? The fact that you were lied to, were led to believe about certain things, and were wounded so bad by someone you trusted so much and loved so much are all enough to bust your goddamn swelled ego.

It's not fair. Shit. Karma found me afterall.

Labels: karma, lies, mac, pink crimson

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 7:16 PM