Grow Up. Shit.

06-09-2009 Tuesday

2:23 am
Typing in front of the computer, sipping my beloved hot chocolate on a styrofoam cup with it's rim now marked with my lipstick, headset on both ears, trying to update my blog to prevent dozing off while waiting for another call. I just painted a picture in your head of what I'm doing right at this moment, at this ungodly hour of 2 am.

Now, let's see, what's there to update:

Alex came to our house to pick me up which is surprising because I'm not really expecting him. I was happy, of course but at the same time he had me worried sick. He has a fever, he's still coughing, and he looks really tired. I felt bad for myself. I was thinking,maybe he came in spite of being sick because he doesn't want to upset me. I feel like he's thinking he needed to make up for not coming to our house last Sunday. I feel selfish. Yeah, I am really selfish.

I wanted to have Alex beside me most of the time. I wanted him to be there whenever I need him. I wanted to see him every single day and be able to cuddle him, have him pamper me and treat me like a baby like what he always did. He's really spoiling me and maybe he's starting to regret that and it's all my fault. I demand a lot, too much maybe, that I'm forgetting that he has to be with the family that adopted him so he can have a place to stay here in Manila.

As you all know from my previous posts, his entire family lives in Cavite. He went to Manila a few years ago to get a decent job. After the contract in the agency, he was jobless therefore, he could no longer afford to rent a place to stay. During those times, he's already friends with the family that lives right beside the place where he used to stay. He was supposed to go back to Cavite and leave Manila for good but he was adopted to stay with the family that he was good friends with. Ate Weng, whom I was already introduced to, let Alex stay on their boarding house while in Manila and in return, Alex has to be there to drive for them whenever they will go some place. Ate Weng has an owner type jeep, Alex has a professional driver's license, sounds favorable right?

It has worked out for Alex that way, but being involved with me, who makes even the simplest things complicated, it has caused some troubles for us and being the selfish me, I was thinking that I don't own Alex completely. Like a couple of weeks ago, he was not able to pick me up from work because he has to drive them to Bulacan and it was very inconvenient that I have to borrow money from my colleague just so I can afford a fare to go home. That was fine at that time but lately, I feel like whenever we have to go some place, we have to check with them first if they need Alex and if they do, then Alex and I have to reschedule. I feel like I was sharing Alex with them. See how selfish I am?

I also remember the time when we went to Cavite, Alex didn't tell them that he was with me. We were gone for a couple of days and Alex's cellphone kept on beeping because they kept on bugging him that he needs to go home, they need him for this shit, that shit, to which Alex did not reply. When he was about to go home, Ate Weng sent him a message telling him that he can pack his things once he get home and he can mind his own life from then on. I read it, it was brief yet crystal clear. Alex just ignored it, he seemed to be used to it but to me it was a big deal. He will get in trouble because of me? He will get kicked out of the house because we went to Cavite? I told him I was worried and he just said, 'Ate Weng's just mad, they need me tomorrow, no biggie'.

We have talked about it already, it was when we were drinking a few days ago in Malate. He told me that I have to understand his situation with them, he assured me that I'm not sharing him with them and that I'm still his first priority. He said he can promise to be there as much as he could but he can't promise his time. While he was explaining, I was staring at the bottles of beer in front of us, wondering how many of it will take before I get drunk and forget about being selfish. He knew I was half listening to him so he sighed loudly and told me about the last time he was scolded after coming home late. "The reason why we adopted you here is so we can make you useful to us. That's it. Why in the hell will we make you stay if we can't use you? You're not paying for the rent or anything, so you should at least do something to pay us one way or another." he said it after gulping down the remaining of his beer, then he looked directly at me, "What will you feel if you we're told those words?". I met his gaze and I saw the agony in his eyes. Right then and there, I was ashamed of myself.

How could I be so selfish? I'm only thinking of myself. I was asking Alex too much as if his love for me isn't enough. He was begging me not to get mad if ever there will be times that he can't pick me up or visit or go out with me. He begged me to understand and not be so childish most of the time. He said that if he's not patient with me, we would always fight for sure. I know that's true. I'm his spoiled and bratty young girlfriend.

The reason why I wanted someone older than me (Alex is 24 turning 25, I'm 20) is because I wanted to be taken care of, be spoiled, be showered with attention, you know all those things that was taken away from me ever since my dad left us. My mother also told me before that she's allowing me to have a boyfriend because she thought that maybe that will keep me from longing for a father's love. Argh, the drama in my life wouldn't stop.

I understood Alex. I know that I almost have him decide to choose between me and the family that adopted him, but that's just simply being immature. I have to face the reality that I have to grow up for the sake of everyone around me. It's not all the time that they will understand me. It's not like the world will stop and I'll always be young, even though that's what I'm always wishing for every time my birthday comes.

I don't like to grow up, even frightened of it. Adults seemed to have forgotten what it's like to be young, adults seemed to be obligated to work their ass off, adults seemed to be restricted from having innocent fun, and most importantly, being an adult means people are expecting a lot from you, to become a good example and to not make mistakes. Well, that's bullshit. Everybody makes mistakes. It doesn't matter how old or how young you are, you are human and there's nothing wrong with committing mistakes as long as you learn from it, make it a stepping stone to move forward. Blah, whatever, growing up and anything that has something to do about becoming an adult terrifies me. But right now, I think I really have to.

There was a quote sent to me by a friend of mine and it simply read, "Growing old is inevitable, but growing up is optional". Optional huh? Right now, I don't have much of a choice, do I?

Labels: alex, grow-up, selfish, work

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 10:11 PM