White Lies-Muted Pain Pt.2

07-23-2009 Thursday

8:00pm

I just logged in and since it's too early for those childish, spoiled Americans to call us, I wanted to take this time to continue my story on where I left it yesterday. Comfy swivel chair-check. A tall cup of hot chocolate-check. My colleagues form a circle near me, as they discreetly share some latest gossip about other people on the floor. On an ordinary night when I don't have anything to write, I'll definitely join them but right now, I feel like zoning out, being on my own, hunched on my own station as I relieve the things that has happened which made an impact on my relationship and trust with Alex.



Monday: 7-20

I'm a total wreck with all these tears on my face, my nose red and filled with snot, my eyes swollen I can barely see what's ahead of us as we drive away. I can't stop myself from having a crying fit. I was worried sick awhile ago, thinking of horrible things I thought has happened to my dear sweet Alex. I thought of losing him, and it hurts to think that if ever that happened I'll definitely live the remainder of my life blaming myself. I was relieved to see Alex, to be with him again yet I couldn't bring myself to stop crying because I'm still in the aftermath of traumatic thoughts, blame it on my morbid imagination.
[That led me to skip work that night. I had to make up stories about my gramma being sick blah blah blah. I know it'll make my manager mad at me but I just couldn't go to work like this. I may be there physically but inside I'll be empty.]

We went to MOA instead, and talked on the bay side. I'm still crying, telling him how he had me worried and he put my job in jeopardy again. Being late is a big NO NO in our job. I know I have a couple of attendance occurence already so I couldn't risk making those numbers go up, besides, I also lost my chance in getting the perfect attendance incentive. Dammit. I know I only made it worse by being absent but as of this time, I couldn't think of anywhere else I'd rather be but here, with him.

He argued with me telling me that I should've asked him first what happened before throwing a fit like that. "Ok" I said I'll listen, 'what happened?"
"My license was confiscated the day before right, all I have is the ticket of my violation. There's a checkpoint in Nova. They wouldn't let me go at first but since the ticket was issued in Quezon City, they said it's okay." he explained.
"Well, you should've texted me! I was worried!" I said.
"I don't wantyou to worry." he reasoned out.
I'm getting mad again, "We've had this issue before! I told you to tell me everything that's happening to you, the less I know, the more I worry! Is it that hard to send me a message?"
"How can I send a message if I'm driving!" he shouted at me.
"Fuck you!" I couldn't stop myself from cursing out loud. People nearby stared but I don't care. "Fuck! Are you still driving when they caught you at the checkpoint! Fuck you! We're through! I'm done with you!" and that night, I fucking mean it.

The thing is, just like before, he has a way with me. He wouldn't let me break up with him. I don't know how he does it but when we had dinner at this inexpensive resto, seeing his amused look (eyebrows up as he scanned the surrounding), I'm no longer mad at him. For the first time that night, I smiled.

[I thought the pain is over but I wasn't prepared for what's gonna come next.]

I sat outside the house where Alex stays as he went somewhere to pee. His cellphone was in my hand as I listened to some random radio station. Feeling bored and sick with the lame songs they play on the radio, I just turned it off and browsed some of his messages instead. I saw a couple of messages from me and some from Ate Weng and Ate Mench (the folks he live with).

7:20pm Ate Weng: Lex, san ka na?
7:25pm Ate Weng: Puntahan mo na ko dito.
7:29pm Ate Mench: Daanan mo na si Weng, Lex.
7:45pm Ate Weng: Wait lang ha.

The messages didn't really bother me, what bothered me was the time it was received. Curiosity got the most out of me again, I browsed the sent messages:

7:21 pm: Ate Weng hatid ko muna si Mami. Babalikan kita.
7:30 pm: Papunta na po ako.
7:32 pm: Nasa Sauyo na po ako, maulan eh silong muna ko.
7:43 pm: Te, san ka na nandito na ko. 7:50 pm: Nasa labas ako.

The message that was sent 7:32pm was for me. He told me he was in Sauyo when the truth is he was somewhere else, picking up Ate Weng on her never ending errand. The truth hit me hard. He lied. While all I did was wait for him at 7-11, worrying my ass off, and risking my job. I remembered the times when he was also late, and he would reason out that he was caught on a checkpoint, or the tire was busted, etc. I came to the realization that all those are lies as well. He wasn't just late because of some forces of nature or bad luck, he was late because they ask him to run a few errands for them and I was stupid enough to believe him.

When he came back, I stared at him, feeling the tears welling up again.

"What?" he asked.
"You lied." I said through clenched teeth, "You goddamn bastard, you lied to me!"
"What are you talking about?"
"How could you, you bastard!!" I'm crying again. Damn. I look ugly with swollen eyes, that's not cute.
"Calm down, what are you saying?" at first he couldn't get it but his eyes fell to my lap where his cellphone lay. "Let me explain."
"We're through. Just let me go, please."
"Let me explain. You'll understand me when you're in my situation. I'm trying to divide my time between you and them. If only I can divide myself in half. I just don't want either of you mad at me." he explained, trying to hug me.
"You lied. Don't you get it? You lied to me! I thought you were different. If you can lie about these things, what more for those other things that matter most? What else are you hiding from me?" I cried out, punching his chest with my clenched fists.

Lies hurt. What difference does it make if it's a white lie? Part of it could be my fault because I'm vocal about my dislike with the way they always ask him a lot of favors that we had to give up some of our time that we should've been together. Yeah. Maybe I forced him to lie. I know I'm too demanding and I guess this is where it led me.

He begged me to give him another chance. I wanted to just let him go. I said he could go back to his life before he met me but he said there's nothing to go back to. He can no longer what his life was like before I came. He said he loved me so much he wouldn't give up on us just like that. One more chance. His birthday is this Friday, he said the best I could give him is another chance and he'll never lie again.

I'm not sure, I said I think I need time to think about it. But my defenses fell as he took me in his arms when we lay side by side on the top bunk of the bed on the boarding house. I asked him how will I ever trust him again? He said he'll earn it again, he promised, and that promise was sealed when his head went down to kiss me.




11:25 pm

I snapped back to the present time when another call came. Gee, it's too early yet calls are starting to eat us up again.

Well, we didn't broke up. I gave him another chance. Tomorrow is his birthday so giving him another chance isn't that hard, besides, I love him that much. Let's just see how he'll live up to his promise.

Labels: alex, americans, lies, pink crimson, work

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 5:31 AM 0 Comments

Ugly Lies

06-19-2009 Friday

I was just thinking, (trust me, this is merely out of boredom and not about anything else), how many more things do I not know or had not known about my ex, Mac? After all that's said and done, he turned out to be someone completely different than who I thought he is. Okay, I don't mean to still post about him but I can't help it. I know it's all in the past but somehow I still feel connected to it especially since I kept on discovering other things about him. Things that I think I deserve to know before but he kept from me after I thought he's confessed everything.

The most disappointing thing is that I trusted him before, when we're still together. I tried to forget about any doubts I have in the back of my mind whenever he tells me I gotta trust him blah-blah-blah. Gee, that shit-faced schmuck tells ugly lies.This isn't about bitterness, mind you, hell, maybe a bit but it's more because of a bruised ego.

Earlier today, when I was on my way home, (I rode the jeepney since Alex can't pick me up), I saw him on that same yellow jeepney where we used to ride whenever he'll pick me up or if we just wanna hang-out. He still tags along with his friend, who drives the jeep. I must admit, I missed hanging out with them on that jeep, that yellow jeep where they play the same freakin songs from his freakin cellphone every freakin day. They didn't see me, though, they were driving the opposite way.

I got a glimpse of him as they passed by. He's still wearing one of those old red t-shirts he has. The t-shirt with a few holes at the hem, where I'll poke my finger in which will make the holes in the fabric appear larger. He has the same far away look in his eyes as he stare out in the road but he has a small smile across his face. They seem to be talking about something funny. I was nostalgic for awhile as I remembered the times we've laughed about practically everything.

A wave of emotion hit me hard after seeing him again. Even if it's just for a few seconds, I remembered an entire month that we're a pair, the pain, the excuses, the tears I've shed for nothing but lies. I thought I'm ready to face him again, but I've come to the conclusion that when it comes to him, I'm never right about anything. All I want to do when I see him is kick the hell out of him, pry his lanky body open and separate his skin from his bones. As morbid as it may sound, that's how pissed off I am with what he did.

When I got home, I received a text message from my friend, Potpot, who also tags along on a jeepney ride, and he happens to know Mac. After some exchanges of 'how are yous', I mentioned to him that if he ever come across Mac, I want him to do me a favor and punch that guy on the face, real hard, pretty please. He said that he's not surprised at all that Mac did that but I'm the one surprised when he non chalantly told me that Mac is married anyway so letting him go is for the better. I read his text message again, twice, hoping that my eyes were wrong. 'He's married anyway so it's for the better'. For a moment, I felt like the wind has been knocked out of me, there's that familiar feeling again, the pain, like the one I felt when he confessed that he has a son. Yet, this one felt more harrowing, it stings the wound I thought has healed. When I gained composure, I told Pot-pot that he's not married to the girl, all I know is that they have a son, to that he replied as 'If you say so. I might as well stay out of it because you might think I'm meddling in your personal life'. I didn't reply. I was afraid of what I will discover. I don't think I'm ready yet.

He's married. Whether I admit it or not, it made perfect sense. I knew-uhh no, sensed, it right from the beginning. He said before that the reason why he can't introduce me to his family yet is because they might not approve him to be in another relationship again after fathering a child from another girl. I tried to understand that, I did. I was fine with it, I waited. For Christ's sake, I waited. Besides, I remember him telling me before that we could get married or we could live together so I should've known that if he was able to tell me that, how much more to the mother of her child which I doubt she'll decline especially since she's pregnant already. The irony is that when he told me he'll introduce me soon, that's the time he walked away. He's fucking married. That could be true. Pot-Pot sounded so sure of it even though it's just thru a text message.

I was fooled not once, but a lot of times, by him. I should've listened to what everyone was telling me about that asshole. What good is a relationship if your partner doesn't tell you everything? I look at it as lying, because you're hiding something. You're not being completely honest. That's why I was wondering now that it's all over, how much do I really know about Mac? Is the Mac that I was with before, real? Does he even breathe? Or is he just a picture of deceit painted for me?

I'm not bitter because I still have feelings for him, I don't (or do I?..Hmm...yeah, I don't), I'm bitter because my ego is bruised. Hey come on, boys should know it better, right? The fact that you were lied to, were led to believe about certain things, and were wounded so bad by someone you trusted so much and loved so much are all enough to bust your goddamn swelled ego.

It's not fair. Shit. Karma found me afterall.

Labels: karma, lies, mac, pink crimson

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 7:16 PM 0 Comments