Dream and Reality
05-25-2009 Monday
This is the dream I've had last night;
Mac and I are sitting on a couch, talking about something I can't clearly remember. I kept on glancing outside, knowing that Alex will arrive any minute from now. Mac noticed that I was uneasy but I smiled and said it's nothing. That's when I heard my motorcycle, I looked out the window and saw Alex getting off of the motorcycle. Mac followed my gaze, just in time to see Alex take off his helmet. I saw the hate in his eyes as he looked at Alex so when he stood up, I grabbed his arm, "What're you doing?". He stared at me, his cold eyes full of anger. "He's just my friend. His name's.. Patrick.." I said. He didn't listen, he walked towards Alex, hands rolled into fists. I'm getting nervous as I followed him outside. This is something I don't want to happen, having to stand between the two guys in my life, moreover, have them fight over me because someone's gonna win while the other one's gonna be hurt and I don't want to cause pain to anyone because I know how pain feels.
Alex saw Mac walking towards him with me following closely behind. He must have seen the warning look I'm sending through my eyes so he casually locked the motorcycle and walked away, pretending to ignore us.
"I told you he's a friend of mine! Get back here!" I shouted to Mac, panting from trying to catch up with him. I could tell he's not listening to me because he has his eyes focused on Alex, who took a seat in front of a store to smoke a cigarette.
In a second, Mac, Alex and me are all standing on the side of the street, oblivious to every passerby. It's all my fault. It shouldn't come to this. Confrontation is one of the result of my many mistakes, and to be honest, I'm not ready to face these consequences.
I know it's just a dream but everything felt so real. The presence of Mac, his familiar sweet scent, his prominent facial features and the familiar distant feeling I get every time I'm near him. The presence of Alex, his sincere, vulnerable eyes, his warmth that I feel even from a feet away and the familiar feeling of safety whenever I'm around him. Two very different guys and I have to choose.
I wasn't surprised when I heard Mac confront Alex in front of me. Then, he asked me to choose. Who will it be? God.. I can't have them both. In reality, I wouldn't know who to choose, I probably would ask them both to give me a few days away from them to think who will I miss the most. In my dream, I didn't have second thoughts when I answered Mac that I choose Alex over him simply because I've learned to love Alex simply because I feel he's more real to me, he's all mine and there's no one to compete with for his attention and love. I was surprised at how real that felt when I said those words. I also felt like a big weight has been lifted off my chest. I felt free, I was able to breathe easy, I was floating. Mac shouted obscenities at me but I was no longer affected, I didn't even dodge when he slapped me and threw water on my face, that I don't know where he got but heck, it's a dream, anything is possible.
What's that dream about? My unconscious state of being chose Alex. Does that mean that if ever Mac comes back,and asks me to choose, I can tell him to fuck off and let me be with Alex?
Oh, there's another thing I dreamed about;
This time, I was walking with Mac and we're talking about what seemed like farewell talks before letting go of each other. I asked him what his plans are. He said that he plan to work harder since he has bills to pay, and stuff to take care of. "What stuff?" I asked. "For the baby, you know. And I also plan to marry her." he meant the mother of the child. Jesus, even in the dream, it still cuts a knife in my gut. "Marry her?" I tried to sound unaffected, "I thought you don't like her". He shrugged, "I have to. For our baby".
Another fear I have appeared on my dream. The fear of Mac and his ex being back together because of the child. I'm just thinking, what if, that's the real reason why Mac fucked up our relationship, will I be able to accept the truth without breaking down? Will I still be affected even though I'm happy with Alex already? I guess I will still be. Not that I still want Mac but I think it's because being lied to by someone you used to love will always be painful.
Mac and I continued walking together in my dream until I decided to stop, looked up in the bright sunny cloudless sky then looked at him. He's still walking, not even bothering to look back, not even caring if I'm still following him or not. I stayed on the spot where I stopped, trying to search any longing for him inside me, trying to feel if there's any pain or regret or maybe hate. I felt none. I looked up for the second time, and it seemed like the rays of the sun caressed my face, reminding me of Alex's warmth. I felt myself smile against the soft glare of the sun. I focused my gaze back to Mac's figure slowly fading into the horizon, as if the road is eating him up. I waited until he disappeared and I knew right then and there, that he's really gone for good, out of my life and I was finally able to let him go completely. After he left, I turned around and walked the other way, opposite his path and I joyfully bounced back home, back to Alex, with the light of the day guiding my every step.
End of the dream...
08:47am
I woke up when I felt someone pinch my nose. I opened my eyes, adjusting my sight to the light of the morning sun coming through the window of my room. There he is, my Alex, greeting me good morning with a warm smile I've missed overnight. He did come early at our house, just like he promised yesterday. I smiled back, taking the hand he's offering so I can sit up, but I pulled him to me instead, holding his gaze. I mouthed the words 'I love you', his smile widened and he opened his arms to me. Just like in my dream, I joyfully bounced back home, in his arms, where I felt safe, happy and calm.
Happy ending? Nah, more like a happy beginning.
posted by Monica-Lynne @ 3:29 AM
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