Wonderwall

05-12-2009 Tuesday

"Cause maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me, and after all, you're my wonderwall.."
-Wonderwall, Oasis

I couldn't think of any other song more appropriate to describe how Alex is helping me cure the painful wound that Mac has left me when he just disappeared from my life. What else could it be? He fucking disappeared. He's not sending me a message, I'm not seeing him, I can't reach him on either of his two cellphone number. Nothing. Vanished without a trace. The most painful thing is that he did this to me after telling me that he's about to give me the assurance I needed. He has more balls to make up promises but when it comes to fulfilling them, his tail is between his legs.

I miss him terribly. He left so many memories on such a short period of time that it's making it hard to just let go and move on with Alex. I know that Alex is far more deserving to be loved and cared for but things aren't that easy. The fact that there's no formal closure between us is enough to left me feeling confused and left out. I was left hanging. Will I wait? Is there something to wait for? What if there's an emergency, like an enormous elephant fell from the sky and landed on Mac and he was crushed to death? Yeah, that's more acceptable than the thought of him and his ex being back together because of the child. Had I been right about my instincts all along? Fuck it. I lost him. I can't hold on anymore.

Earlier, Alex and I went to SM Manila before going to the boarding house where he's staying. During the bus ride to SM, we we're laughing and singing to ourselves as we listen to my mp4. I'm having fun when I'm with him, however, certain songs from my mp4 reminded me of Mac so when that song plays, I will have that faraway look in my eyes and I know he could tell that I'm thinking of him because he will make me laugh again to divert my attention. I can't help it. A lot of things kept on reminding me of Mac. I know it's gonna be this painful but still, nothing can prepare me for this.

When we're at the boarding house, Alex and I had the chance to talk. He kept on asking me what relationship do we have and I kept on answering I don't know. He knew about Mac's mysterious disappearance and he told me that there's no use for me to wait for him. He said that he's the one who's willing to love me and that he wouldn't hurt me. I said I believe him. I really do. That's why I don't want him to expect anything because I don't want him to get hurt. When I say yes to Alex, I wanna be able to give all my feelings to him because he deserves it. I want to completely let go of Mac and our memories before I can begin a new relationship.

Starting all over again is the hardest part. Where do I begin? How? Where will I find the pieces of myself that he shattered? How can I give myself completely to Alex if I'm no longer whole? Those thoughts were in my mind as I told Alex that Mac has left me. I must have looked pitiful as I repeated my sentiments about him leaving me over and over while tears started to spill out of my eyes. It's all too heavy inside.

Alex was quietly listening to me. I started to sob and that's when he pulled me close and hugged me tight. Damn, that felt good. 'I could fall for him', that's what I'm thinking as I cried out the last of my tears. It's not that I don't have anymore tears left to cry..it's just that I have no other choice left but to accept the fact that he's gone and the tears, no matter how many buckets I shed, will not bring the asshole back.

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 5:38 PM