Choices choices...

My insanity took me as far as Cavite, where Alex introduced me to his family, something that Mac is not able to do. It was last Saturday when we went to Cavite. In spite of the fact that Mac was on a no-show status again, I didn't even have time to think about him while I was with Alex. I even think that Alex is my lifesaver. Had he not been there for me last weekend, I would've spent the entire day ranting, going out of my fucking mind while contemplating where the fuck is my so-called boyfriend and why is he not texting me.

Maybe you're all wondering what happened on our meet-up after the Slam. Well, it was a long night so just to make it short, we went to Quiapo, I bought some Dvd's, then we went to a bar in Malate, drink some beer, he got drunk and he cried and professed his love for me. Sweet. Trust me, he did cry when I said that I might not meet with him again because I don't want to use him distract myself from Mac. He said that he knows it maybe too soon but he does love me, he's willing to introduce me to his family, he's not like Mac and he'll show me that I'm a girl who deserves to be treated right. Sigh, too bad for him, I've had enough experiences with boys that I'm no longer believing in those promises unless proven true.

I like Alex. No doubt about that. We get along well. We're both into gigs,bands,and music. I'm fascinated with the way his face lights up like a little kid whenever he raises his eyebrows in amusement or surprise. He's cute and he's even more irresistible when he laugh which sounded like an infectious array of melodies. He's a ball of sunshine, like an open meadow on a lovely spring day, as opposed to Mac being a mysterious dark cloud on a stormy night. They're very different yet, I have feelings for them both. I know that's silly because we can never like two people at the same time on the same degree. In the end, I have to choose one.

That's where I made things complicated. I know that even though I haven't said anything to Alex about what he is to me, he's already expecting something. I've let him take me places, let him introduce me to his family, let him hug me and let him held my hand. I felt safe when I'm with him. When he held me, I completely forgot that I haven't heard from Mac since Friday night. I didn't gave a damn that Mac seems to have forgotten me that weekend. I'm with Alex, on a perfect place in Cavite with his cheerful family, what else could go wrong and why should I care about someone who doesn't care about me?

I have to choose before things get more complicated than what it is. I can't have them both. I have to set one free. I know that I plan to just make Alex a fling but with the way he treats me and cares for me, I think he could compete with Mac for my feelings.

What's up with Mac by the way? Where the fuck is he? I've tried calling him for the nth time but I kept on getting the robotic voice prompt of our service provider telling me that the subscriber obviously doesn't want to talk. Can you believe the guy? Our last talk has been okay. I asked him how long will I wait before he gave me the assurance of where I stand. The assurance of being introduced to his family. He clearly said that it'll be sooner. Being the hopeless moron that I am, I assumed he mean it and I hoped it's for real. I guess I was wrong...again. After that talk, I haven't heard from him. I can't reach him on his cellphone, his cousins couldn't tell me where he is. What could that possibly mean? I have hoped for nothing. Shit.

I used to get asked if I have to choose between the person I love and the person who loves me, who will it be? I used to say that go with the person you love even if that person doesn't love you or doesn't even give a fuck about you but now that I'm in that situation where I will choose, I never imagined it would suck this bad.

I appreciate everything that Alex has done for me and I know that there's a lot more he can do if I choose him. Part of me wants to just dump Mac and choose Alex, but that would mean wasting what Mac and I had. After everything I've done for him, after accepting his child, after all the sacrifices, tears, and all the trying to make it work? Those things ought to count for something to give it a shot one more time, right? Maybe I'm too demanding, maybe I expect too much than what Mac can give, maybe I'm paranoid, maybe I don't trust him enough that's why we ended up doubting each other. I don't know what's wrong with him. It's just like he vanished off of the face of the earth. The worst thing about it is that he left this huge, gaping hole inside me. I should've known that he never meant half of what he said to me before. Such a liar. Such a fucking liar.

I feel guilty for using Alex. Yeah, I'm using him to absorb the pain. I'm using him to keep myself from completely falling apart. He doesn't deserve it though he mentioned to me that he's willing to play victim to my pointless charade. He's been too kind, generous and understanding while I'm being unfair, selfish and whore-ish.

Choices. Choices.
Who will it be?

1 Comments:

At May 16, 2009 at 6:08 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Go with the flow. :)

woooooooooooooooo

 

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