A Healing Process

05-17-2009 Sunday

Alex cupped my face in his hands, "Tell me honestly, do you still love him?"
I stared into his eyes. One of the things I'm proud of is to be able to look directly into someone else's eyes, even though I'm unsure of what to say to that person. I couldn't say anything. I opened my mouth but no words came out.
I saw the pain in his eyes when I didn't respond to his question. "So you still love him." he said,bitterly.
I looked away, I couldn't bear the thought of me hurting him. I focused my eyes on the reflections of the city lights dancing on the softly swaying water on the sea below us. We we're sitting at the seaside on Baywalk, the wind blowing calmly against our confused faces.
"What am I to you? Am I doing all these things for nothing?" he asked.
I shook my head.
"Then why can't you tell me where I stand? Are you still hoping he'll come back?"
The weight of his questions kicked me in the guts. Am I really hoping he'll come back? Fat chance. The guy's a fucking loser. But still...No matter how I try to convince myself that he's not coming back and I shouldn't wait, a part of me is still miserably waiting. It's not fair to Alex and I feel bad, so bad that it makes me sick.
"I love you so much. What else do I need to do for you to believe me?" he looked like he's about to cry.
I put a hand on his face, hoping it will ease his pain, "I believe you. It's just that I want a formal closure from him. I want to make sure that we're through and that there's nothing to wait for-"
"So without a formal closure, you will still wait for him?" he said, cutting me off. Damn, what'd I say?!
I was quiet again.
"Can't you see?! He left you!" he said, sounding desperate. "Let's say that there's no closure at all and he comes back. Will you accept him again? And what will I be?"
I couldn't tell him that, that's the exact reason why I can't commit myself to him. If Mac does come back which is something unimaginable at this time, will I take him back? I should not but can I help myself?
"Give me time.." was all I could say.
"And wait for what?"
"You'll leave me anyway.." I said, thinking about his plan to apply to be a seaman.
"I won't. I don't want to do it anymore because I don't want to leave you."
That's what I'm worried about. He's choosing me over a decent job that will give him lots of money. Am I worth it?
"Give me time." I repeated myself, unable to say anything else.
He held my face again and I looked into his eyes. "So what are we now?"
"I don't want you to commit to me, and I can say the same thing for myself. Let's not commit for now so we wouldn't get hurt.."
"You think you're not hurting me?" his eyes became watery again and I felt his pain, sharp and raw.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to.."
He waited for me to say something else but I've ran out of words. I'm afraid to say something that will cause him more pain. He let the silence linger. He pulled me closer to him and I wrapped my arms around his waist as I continue to savor the breathtaking view of different lights reflecting and dancing on the water's surface.

What's wrong with me? Alex is the right guy, he's determined to make me happy and when he say 'forever', I can actually believe it. I like him, I'm starting to fall for him. I want to completely fall for him and I know that I can only give myself to him once I'm over Mac and once I'm whole again.

I can move on. I just want to make sure to myself that if ever Mac will come back for me, I can say no and tell him to just fuck himself. I want to be able to let go of everything we've had and move forward with my life, the life that he left in a total wreck. I can start over. I know I can. Given enough time and patience from Alex, I can heal.

Shit like this happens, we find an asshole along the way thinking that he's the one but turns out, he's a good for nothing piece of junk.


Sorry, I'm not yet done bad-mouthing him because it's easier to forget someone you despise so much.

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 6:26 PM