Another Blow

05-16-2009 Saturday

When life gives you shit, expect TONS of it.

Sometimes I wonder when life will get tired of dumping shit on me, sheesh, I've had enough. I may be a tough cookie but even the toughest rock can be smashed down to pieces.

Happy ending is bullshit. There's no such thing. You could believe that it's all gonna end well but once everything seems fine, fate will punch you hard in the face and before you know it, you're helplessly lying on the ground, gasping for breath, wishing that the torturing pain will stop. It's not gonna stop. It will eat up every bit of strength you have left until you're exhausted and you think that death seemed sweeter.

I'm trying to get by and I'm really thankful that Alex is around to help me forget about Mac. Though, sometimes, when I think about everything that Mac has said to me, I wish I can see him one last time just to punch that face of his, call him a liar, and curse him. He dumped me. There's no other word to sugarcoat that fact. I doubt he's ever gonna show up again. Fuck him and his lies.

He used to say: 'You're the kind of girl that a guy can marry.'
*Ass.
'I'm not gonna leave you..'
*Yeah, right. You just did, fuckface.
'I can't bear the thought of not being with you.'
*It's because you don't have a brain.
'I'll never get tired of being there for you.'
*Of what?
'I'll never let go of you.'
*Did I hear you say 'fuck'?
'I miss you..'
*Liar
'I love you..'
*The biggest lie. Ever.

The bastard obviously is good with words but a good person he is not. Shame on him for leaving. I try to ignore the pain. I let Alex help me heal the wounds and fill the gap inside. I know he's different than Mac. I want to start over with my life. I have the pieces of my shattered self and I'll start with that.

I thought things couldn't get worse than that. I thought my problems are solved since I have Alex beside me. I was proven wrong.

There's a far bigger problem that I have to face. Even though I can say that I'm used to it, it still manages to fuck up everything I've planned. We're getting kicked out of the house.. Again. Yeah yeah, it has happened before when we're still living with my uncles and now it's happening again. Does that mean we don't have a luck when it comes to having a hole to live in? Are we gonna be nomads for the rest of our fucking lives? What do I do now? I'll never get to study again because I need to have this job more than ever. My mom's salary isn't enough to pay for the bills, the rent, the food and all. Fuck. It's hard being poor. Being poor means most people think it's okay to rat you.

It's deja vu for real. Just like before, the stupid old lady told us we have to move out when we only have a few days left to search for a new house. She said that her daughter will be needing the house and so and so. Wow, talk about hearing a shitty news. I wish it's that easy to move out. After settling on this house, I seriously thought we'll be staying here for good. I've settled everything here, for Christ's sake. My computer, my personal ref, my motorcycle, the cage of my cats! Now we have to haul them all away when we move?! You've got to be kidding me!

She's not kidding around. We really have to move out. We have less than a week, I think. Fuck them. Fuck them all. Someday, when I'm rich, I will go back to each and everyone who has made my life miserable and I swear to God, I'm gonna make them pay.

It's all too heavy inside. I want to cry but I've ran out of tears. I want to scream but I can't find my voice. I want to grab a fucking samurai and slit someone else's throat but I don't have a samurai. Faith is the only thing I have left but seriously, I think I'm starting to lose it as well.

Happy endings? BULLSHIT.

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 6:15 PM