Dream and Reality
05-25-2009 Monday
This is the dream I've had last night;Mac and I are sitting on a couch, talking about something I can't clearly remember. I kept on glancing outside, knowing that Alex will arrive any minute from now. Mac noticed that I was uneasy but I smiled and said it's nothing. That's when I heard my motorcycle, I looked out the window and saw Alex getting off of the motorcycle. Mac followed my gaze, just in time to see Alex take off his helmet. I saw the hate in his eyes as he looked at Alex so when he stood up, I grabbed his arm,
"What're you doing?". He stared at me, his cold eyes full of anger.
"He's just my friend. His name's.. Patrick.." I said. He didn't listen, he walked towards Alex, hands rolled into fists. I'm getting nervous as I followed him outside. This is something I don't want to happen, having to stand between the two guys in my life, moreover, have them fight over me because someone's gonna win while the other one's gonna be hurt and I don't want to cause pain to anyone because I know how pain feels.
Alex saw Mac walking towards him with me following closely behind. He must have seen the warning look I'm sending through my eyes so he casually locked the motorcycle and walked away, pretending to ignore us.
"I told you he's a friend of mine! Get back here!" I shouted to Mac, panting from trying to catch up with him. I could tell he's not listening to me because he has his eyes focused on Alex, who took a seat in front of a store to smoke a cigarette.
In a second, Mac, Alex and me are all standing on the side of the street, oblivious to every passerby. It's all my fault. It shouldn't come to this. Confrontation is one of the result of my many mistakes, and to be honest, I'm not ready to face these consequences.
I know it's just a dream but everything felt so real. The presence of Mac, his familiar sweet scent, his prominent facial features and the familiar distant feeling I get every time I'm near him. The presence of Alex, his sincere, vulnerable eyes, his warmth that I feel even from a feet away and the familiar feeling of safety whenever I'm around him. Two very different guys and I have to choose.
I wasn't surprised when I heard Mac confront Alex in front of me. Then, he asked me to choose. Who will it be? God.. I can't have them both. In reality, I wouldn't know who to choose, I probably would ask them both to give me a few days away from them to think who will I miss the most. In my dream, I didn't have second thoughts when I answered Mac that I choose Alex over him simply because I've learned to love Alex simply because I feel he's more real to me, he's all mine and there's no one to compete with for his attention and love. I was surprised at how real that felt when I said those words. I also felt like a big weight has been lifted off my chest. I felt free, I was able to breathe easy, I was floating. Mac shouted obscenities at me but I was no longer affected, I didn't even dodge when he slapped me and threw water on my face, that I don't know where he got but heck, it's a dream, anything is possible.
What's that dream about? My unconscious state of being chose Alex. Does that mean that if ever Mac comes back,and asks me to choose, I can tell him to fuck off and let me be with Alex?
Oh, there's another thing I dreamed about;
This time, I was walking with Mac and we're talking about what seemed like farewell talks before letting go of each other. I asked him what his plans are. He said that he plan to work harder since he has bills to pay, and stuff to take care of.
"What stuff?" I asked.
"For the baby, you know. And I also plan to marry her." he meant the mother of the child. Jesus, even in the dream, it still cuts a knife in my gut.
"Marry her?" I tried to sound unaffected,
"I thought you don't like her". He shrugged, "I have to. For our baby".
Another fear I have appeared on my dream. The fear of Mac and his ex being back together because of the child. I'm just thinking, what if, that's the real reason why Mac fucked up our relationship, will I be able to accept the truth without breaking down? Will I still be affected even though I'm happy with Alex already? I guess I will still be. Not that I still want Mac but I think it's because being lied to by someone you used to love will always be painful.
Mac and I continued walking together in my dream until I decided to stop, looked up in the bright sunny cloudless sky then looked at him. He's still walking, not even bothering to look back, not even caring if I'm still following him or not. I stayed on the spot where I stopped, trying to search any longing for him inside me, trying to feel if there's any pain or regret or maybe hate. I felt none. I looked up for the second time, and it seemed like the rays of the sun caressed my face, reminding me of Alex's warmth. I felt myself smile against the soft glare of the sun. I focused my gaze back to Mac's figure slowly fading into the horizon, as if the road is eating him up. I waited until he disappeared and I knew right then and there, that he's really gone for good, out of my life and I was finally able to let him go completely. After he left, I turned around and walked the other way, opposite his path and I joyfully bounced back home, back to Alex, with the light of the day guiding my every step.
End of the dream...08:47amI woke up when I felt someone pinch my nose. I opened my eyes, adjusting my sight to the light of the morning sun coming through the window of my room. There he is, my Alex, greeting me good morning with a warm smile I've missed overnight. He did come early at our house, just like he promised yesterday. I smiled back, taking the hand he's offering so I can sit up, but I pulled him to me instead, holding his gaze. I mouthed the words 'I love you', his smile widened and he opened his arms to me. Just like in my dream, I joyfully bounced back home, in his arms, where I felt safe, happy and calm.
Happy ending? Nah, more like a happy beginning.
Labels: alex, dream, mac
Beginnings
05-23-2009 Saturday
We've officially moved! For the -nth time! Yippeee!
I was a sleepless walking disaster yesterday when we packed our things and hauled it all to the truck that my grandma rented. The move was sudden. We're supposed to move this weekend but imagine my surprise when I went home and saw that the wall has been ripped out already. God, their renovating the fucking house and the motherfuckers can't wait for us to leave!
Needless to say,we carried all our things, loaded it to the truck, sped away and unloaded it to the new hole where we'll stay. I was glad that Alex was there to help us out. I was tired, sweaty and cranky but thankfully he was able to put up with me and understand me. God bless his heart.
I didn't make it to work yesterday night. I didn't have any sleep for God's sake! I told my manager I can't make it, she's mad I can't blame her but I really can't force my sleepless body to come to work. Matter of fact, I fell asleep the moment my body touched the bed.
Earlier this morning, after attending the worship service, we unpacked our things since we're too tired yesterday that we just left all the boxes scattered on the floor.
I was busy throwing out some old magazines that will only consume space when I heard a motorcycle roar outside. I thought it sounded like mine but it's impossible. Alex told me he couldn't come today so I shrugged it off and went back to what I was doing. I almost jumped when I heard a familiar voice call me. It is Alex! He did come! I ran to greet him, arms open for an embrace. God, I missed him considering that we were together yesterday.
I'm starting to fall for Alex. Good. I'm starting over and I'm healing. Better. Sometimes, I still feel bad that my relationship with Mac didn't work but I guess he's just not the right one. It's just that he came first before Alex did.
I'm thankful for Alex. I owe him a lot and he's not even aware of it. He saved me. If I didn't met him, God knows I could be a lunatic by now. A frustrated ex-girlfriend who wants ether revenge or suicide.
I have him now. He loves me. It's like healing a deep wound. It's like looking up to see the sun shoo the dark clouds away to promise a better day for everyone. It's like waking up from a really bad dream and seeing the face of someone you long to see, holding you while whispering that it's just a dream and you're awake now. It's like feeling the comfort of strong arms wrapped around you, keeping you warm, making you more of a human inside.
Let's see: We have a new home, even though the rent is a bit pricey, happiness,peacefulness and comfort is priceless. I have my grandma, mother, my cats Lena, Shelby, Natalie and my dog Damien. I have someone loving me unconditionally. I have a motorcycle. What more could I ask for? Hmm.. I can think of one! A license.
A Healing Process
05-17-2009 Sunday
Alex cupped my face in his hands,
"Tell me honestly, do you still love him?"I stared into his eyes. One of the things I'm proud of is to be able to look directly into someone else's eyes, even though I'm unsure of what to say to that person. I couldn't say anything. I opened my mouth but no words came out.
I saw the pain in his eyes when I didn't respond to his question.
"So you still love him." he said,bitterly.
I looked away, I couldn't bear the thought of me hurting him. I focused my eyes on the reflections of the city lights dancing on the softly swaying water on the sea below us. We we're sitting at the seaside on Baywalk, the wind blowing calmly against our confused faces.
"What am I to you? Am I doing all these things for nothing?" he asked.
I shook my head.
"Then why can't you tell me where I stand? Are you still hoping he'll come back?"The weight of his questions kicked me in the guts. Am I really hoping he'll come back? Fat chance. The guy's a fucking loser. But still...No matter how I try to convince myself that he's not coming back and I shouldn't wait, a part of me is still miserably waiting. It's not fair to Alex and I feel bad, so bad that it makes me sick.
"I love you so much. What else do I need to do for you to believe me?" he looked like he's about to cry.
I put a hand on his face, hoping it will ease his pain,
"I believe you. It's just that I want a formal closure from him. I want to make sure that we're through and that there's nothing to wait for-""So without a formal closure, you will still wait for him?" he said, cutting me off. Damn, what'd I say?!
I was quiet again.
"Can't you see?! He left you!" he said, sounding desperate.
"Let's say that there's no closure at all and he comes back. Will you accept him again? And what will I be?"I couldn't tell him that, that's the exact reason why I can't commit myself to him. If Mac does come back which is something unimaginable at this time, will I take him back? I should not but can I help myself?
"Give me time.." was all I could say.
"And wait for what?""You'll leave me anyway.." I said, thinking about his plan to apply to be a seaman.
"I won't. I don't want to do it anymore because I don't want to leave you."That's what I'm worried about. He's choosing me over a decent job that will give him lots of money. Am I worth it?
"Give me time." I repeated myself, unable to say anything else.
He held my face again and I looked into his eyes.
"So what are we now?""I don't want you to commit to me, and I can say the same thing for myself. Let's not commit for now so we wouldn't get hurt..""You think you're not hurting me?" his eyes became watery again and I felt his pain, sharp and raw.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to.."He waited for me to say something else but I've ran out of words. I'm afraid to say something that will cause him more pain. He let the silence linger. He pulled me closer to him and I wrapped my arms around his waist as I continue to savor the breathtaking view of different lights reflecting and dancing on the water's surface.
What's wrong with me? Alex is the right guy, he's determined to make me happy and when he say 'forever', I can actually believe it. I like him, I'm starting to fall for him. I want to completely fall for him and I know that I can only give myself to him once I'm over Mac and once I'm whole again.
I can move on. I just want to make sure to myself that if ever Mac will come back for me, I can say no and tell him to just fuck himself. I want to be able to let go of everything we've had and move forward with my life, the life that he left in a total wreck. I can start over. I know I can. Given enough time and patience from Alex, I can heal.
Shit like this happens, we find an asshole along the way thinking that he's the one but turns out, he's a good for nothing piece of junk.
MAC=Lying motherfucker/Crap/Shit/Ass
Sorry, I'm not yet done bad-mouthing him because it's easier to forget someone you despise so much.
Another Blow
05-16-2009 Saturday
When life gives you shit, expect TONS of it.
Sometimes I wonder when life will get tired of dumping shit on me, sheesh, I've had enough. I may be a tough cookie but even the toughest rock can be smashed down to pieces.
Happy ending is bullshit. There's no such thing. You could believe that it's all gonna end well but once everything seems fine, fate will punch you hard in the face and before you know it, you're helplessly lying on the ground, gasping for breath, wishing that the torturing pain will stop. It's not gonna stop. It will eat up every bit of strength you have left until you're exhausted and you think that death seemed sweeter.
I'm trying to get by and I'm really thankful that Alex is around to help me forget about Mac. Though, sometimes, when I think about everything that Mac has said to me, I wish I can see him one last time just to punch that face of his, call him a liar, and curse him. He dumped me. There's no other word to sugarcoat that fact. I doubt he's ever gonna show up again. Fuck him and his lies.
He used to say: 'You're the kind of girl that a guy can marry.'
*Ass.'I'm not gonna leave you..'
*Yeah, right. You just did, fuckface.'I can't bear the thought of not being with you.'
*It's because you don't have a brain.'I'll never get tired of being there for you.'
*Of what?'I'll never let go of you.'
*Did I hear you say 'fuck'?'I miss you..'
*Liar'I love you..'
*The biggest lie. Ever.The bastard obviously is good with words but a good person he is not. Shame on him for leaving. I try to ignore the pain. I let Alex help me heal the wounds and fill the gap inside. I know he's different than Mac. I want to start over with my life. I have the pieces of my shattered self and I'll start with that.
I thought things couldn't get worse than that. I thought my problems are solved since I have Alex beside me. I was proven wrong.
There's a far bigger problem that I have to face. Even though I can say that I'm used to it, it still manages to fuck up everything I've planned. We're getting kicked out of the house.. Again. Yeah yeah, it has happened before when we're still living with my uncles and now it's happening again. Does that mean we don't have a luck when it comes to having a hole to live in? Are we gonna be nomads for the rest of our fucking lives? What do I do now? I'll never get to study again because I need to have this job more than ever. My mom's salary isn't enough to pay for the bills, the rent, the food and all. Fuck. It's hard being poor. Being poor means most people think it's okay to rat you.
It's deja vu for real. Just like before, the stupid old lady told us we have to move out when we only have a few days left to search for a new house. She said that her daughter will be needing the house and so and so. Wow, talk about hearing a shitty news. I wish it's that easy to move out. After settling on this house, I seriously thought we'll be staying here for good. I've settled everything here, for Christ's sake. My computer, my personal ref, my motorcycle, the cage of my cats! Now we have to haul them all away when we move?! You've got to be kidding me!
She's not kidding around. We really have to move out. We have less than a week, I think. Fuck them. Fuck them all. Someday, when I'm rich, I will go back to each and everyone who has made my life miserable and I swear to God, I'm gonna make them pay.
It's all too heavy inside. I want to cry but I've ran out of tears. I want to scream but I can't find my voice. I want to grab a fucking samurai and slit someone else's throat but I don't have a samurai. Faith is the only thing I have left but seriously, I think I'm starting to lose it as well.
Happy endings?
BULLSHIT.
False Hopes
05-13-2009 Wednesday
'
Pusa'. a four-lettered word message I found on my cellphone when I woke up this morning. It was from a number not registered on my phonebook. I thought it's one of my friends from Alponsky so I casually replied the usual 'Wasup! Hu u?'. Imagine my surprise when that someone turned out to be Mac. I just replied, 'Who's Mac?' since I seriously thought he's gone after being crushed by enormous elephants. He said that he doesn't wanna bother me but he wants us to talk. The asshole wants to show up and talk? For what? I've had enough of his reasons and scripted excuses. He could be an actor but he will never be a good boyfriend.
He said that he's been thinking about a lot of things lately that's why he's not showing up or texting me. He said that he still couldn't give me the assurance I need and he even considered of just taking care of his child. He don't want to get me involved in his problems because he loves me that much. Love? The shithead is now telling me about love? I told him that it's fine with me, he left me and there's no need for him to go back. There's no one to go back to. I'm done being the only one who knows the word 'sacrifice'. He insisted that he wants to see me and talk.
I know inside me it would be harder to break up with him in person. It will be hard to stare into those eyes, to touch him, to hug him for the last time. It will be hard to accept the fact that it will be the last time for both of us. He's leaving and I have to let him go. Had I known this is going to happen, I should've hugged him more tight the last time we're together, which was last Friday night. It was raining, then, and we're at his cousin's house. His cousins we're drinking and we're sitting beside each other. I was holding him. He was hugging me. It was just him, me and the storm outside, I felt like nothing's gonna go wrong. Damn.
For the sake of having a formal break-up, I decided to agree to meet with him and talk. I said he can just tell me when he'll be available to talk. His final reply is 'ok. talk to you later this afternoon'.
Guess what. The bastard lied again.
Tonight, he send me a message again telling me he's sorry he's not able to make it earlier because they had an accident on a motorcycle and his cellphone was broken. Yada-yada. The thing about him is he never ran out of excuses. He rans out of money all the time but excuses and reasons? Damn, he has lots of it. I knew he's never gonna show up again. Fuck him. I replied a brief 'that's fine.' and turned off my cellphone. My pink cellphone doesn't need to receive lies. It's too beautiful to be lied to.
Wonderwall
05-12-2009 Tuesday
"Cause maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me, and after all, you're my wonderwall.."-Wonderwall, Oasis
I couldn't think of any other song more appropriate to describe how Alex is helping me cure the painful wound that Mac has left me when he just disappeared from my life. What else could it be? He fucking disappeared. He's not sending me a message, I'm not seeing him, I can't reach him on either of his two cellphone number. Nothing. Vanished without a trace. The most painful thing is that he did this to me after telling me that he's about to give me the assurance I needed. He has more balls to make up promises but when it comes to fulfilling them, his tail is between his legs.
I miss him terribly. He left so many memories on such a short period of time that it's making it hard to just let go and move on with Alex. I know that Alex is far more deserving to be loved and cared for but things aren't that easy. The fact that there's no formal closure between us is enough to left me feeling confused and left out. I was left hanging. Will I wait? Is there something to wait for? What if there's an emergency, like an enormous elephant fell from the sky and landed on Mac and he was crushed to death? Yeah, that's more acceptable than the thought of him and his ex being back together because of the child. Had I been right about my instincts all along? Fuck it. I lost him. I can't hold on anymore.
Earlier, Alex and I went to SM Manila before going to the boarding house where he's staying. During the bus ride to SM, we we're laughing and singing to ourselves as we listen to my mp4. I'm having fun when I'm with him, however, certain songs from my mp4 reminded me of Mac so when that song plays, I will have that faraway look in my eyes and I know he could tell that I'm thinking of him because he will make me laugh again to divert my attention. I can't help it. A lot of things kept on reminding me of Mac. I know it's gonna be this painful but still, nothing can prepare me for this.
When we're at the boarding house, Alex and I had the chance to talk. He kept on asking me what relationship do we have and I kept on answering I don't know. He knew about Mac's mysterious disappearance and he told me that there's no use for me to wait for him. He said that he's the one who's willing to love me and that he wouldn't hurt me. I said I believe him. I really do. That's why I don't want him to expect anything because I don't want him to get hurt. When I say yes to Alex, I wanna be able to give all my feelings to him because he deserves it. I want to completely let go of Mac and our memories before I can begin a new relationship.
Starting all over again is the hardest part. Where do I begin? How? Where will I find the pieces of myself that he shattered? How can I give myself completely to Alex if I'm no longer whole? Those thoughts were in my mind as I told Alex that Mac has left me. I must have looked pitiful as I repeated my sentiments about him leaving me over and over while tears started to spill out of my eyes. It's all too heavy inside.
Alex was quietly listening to me. I started to sob and that's when he pulled me close and hugged me tight. Damn, that felt good. 'I could fall for him', that's what I'm thinking as I cried out the last of my tears. It's not that I don't have anymore tears left to cry..it's just that I have no other choice left but to accept the fact that he's gone and the tears, no matter how many buckets I shed, will not bring the asshole back.
Choices choices...
My insanity took me as far as Cavite, where Alex introduced me to his family, something that Mac is not able to do. It was last Saturday when we went to Cavite. In spite of the fact that Mac was on a no-show status again, I didn't even have time to think about him while I was with Alex. I even think that Alex is my lifesaver. Had he not been there for me last weekend, I would've spent the entire day ranting, going out of my fucking mind while contemplating where the fuck is my so-called boyfriend and why is he not texting me.
Maybe you're all wondering what happened on our meet-up after the Slam. Well, it was a long night so just to make it short, we went to Quiapo, I bought some Dvd's, then we went to a bar in Malate, drink some beer, he got drunk and he cried and professed his love for me. Sweet. Trust me, he did cry when I said that I might not meet with him again because I don't want to use him distract myself from Mac. He said that he knows it maybe too soon but he does love me, he's willing to introduce me to his family, he's not like Mac and he'll show me that I'm a girl who deserves to be treated right. Sigh, too bad for him, I've had enough experiences with boys that I'm no longer believing in those promises unless proven true.
I like Alex. No doubt about that. We get along well. We're both into gigs,bands,and music. I'm fascinated with the way his face lights up like a little kid whenever he raises his eyebrows in amusement or surprise. He's cute and he's even more irresistible when he laugh which sounded like an infectious array of melodies. He's a ball of sunshine, like an open meadow on a lovely spring day, as opposed to Mac being a mysterious dark cloud on a stormy night. They're very different yet, I have feelings for them both. I know that's silly because we can never like two people at the same time on the same degree. In the end, I have to choose one.
That's where I made things complicated. I know that even though I haven't said anything to Alex about what he is to me, he's already expecting something. I've let him take me places, let him introduce me to his family, let him hug me and let him held my hand. I felt safe when I'm with him. When he held me, I completely forgot that I haven't heard from Mac since Friday night. I didn't gave a damn that Mac seems to have forgotten me that weekend. I'm with Alex, on a perfect place in Cavite with his cheerful family, what else could go wrong and why should I care about someone who doesn't care about me?
I have to choose before things get more complicated than what it is. I can't have them both. I have to set one free. I know that I plan to just make Alex a fling but with the way he treats me and cares for me, I think he could compete with Mac for my feelings.
What's up with Mac by the way? Where the fuck is he? I've tried calling him for the nth time but I kept on getting the robotic voice prompt of our service provider telling me that the subscriber obviously doesn't want to talk. Can you believe the guy? Our last talk has been okay. I asked him how long will I wait before he gave me the assurance of where I stand. The assurance of being introduced to his family. He clearly said that it'll be sooner. Being the hopeless moron that I am, I assumed he mean it and I hoped it's for real. I guess I was wrong...again. After that talk, I haven't heard from him. I can't reach him on his cellphone, his cousins couldn't tell me where he is. What could that possibly mean? I have hoped for nothing. Shit.
I used to get asked if I have to choose between the person I love and the person who loves me, who will it be? I used to say that go with the person you love even if that person doesn't love you or doesn't even give a fuck about you but now that I'm in that situation where I will choose, I never imagined it would suck this bad.
I appreciate everything that Alex has done for me and I know that there's a lot more he can do if I choose him. Part of me wants to just dump Mac and choose Alex, but that would mean wasting what Mac and I had. After everything I've done for him, after accepting his child, after all the sacrifices, tears, and all the trying to make it work? Those things ought to count for something to give it a shot one more time, right? Maybe I'm too demanding, maybe I expect too much than what Mac can give, maybe I'm paranoid, maybe I don't trust him enough that's why we ended up doubting each other. I don't know what's wrong with him. It's just like he vanished off of the face of the earth. The worst thing about it is that he left this huge, gaping hole inside me. I should've known that he never meant half of what he said to me before. Such a liar. Such a fucking liar.
I feel guilty for using Alex. Yeah, I'm using him to absorb the pain. I'm using him to keep myself from completely falling apart. He doesn't deserve it though he mentioned to me that he's willing to play victim to my pointless charade. He's been too kind, generous and understanding while I'm being unfair, selfish and whore-ish.
Choices. Choices.
Who will it be?
My Pawn
05-05-2009 Monday
My meet-up with Alex yesterday had to be rescheduled due to some circumstances on both of us. He has to go to Laguna, I have to deal with the seller of the XRM motorcycle. Yes you read it right, I'm buying a motorcycle. Haha. I don't know how to drive yet but I can learn. Hey, it's time to spend some of the cash I've earned through blood, sweat, tears, and every essential part of my being.
Now about Alex. He's already aware of the part he'll play for me. I told him all about it last night when we're texting. He said that's fine with him because eventually, I'll fall for him. Talk about a high level of self-esteem. I told him he can't be serious with me because I already have a boyfriend and I don't intend to leave Mac, I just want someone who will be there whenever he's not around. I just want someone to distract me, to keep me from falling too in love with him. He said he wanted to be that someone. I realized how serious he was so I asked myself if it is too late already to take back what I've said. I can't use him as my pawn. He don't deserve it if he's that serious with me.
We agreed to just meet tomorrow night so I can get my t-shirt and we can talk. Yeah. Let's all see how far my insanity is gonna take me.
Man-Eater
05-02-2009 Saturday
I took one girl personality quiz on Facebook and the result for me said that I'm a Man-Eater. For whatever hellish reason why it turned out that way, I think it damn well said the truth about the inner femme fatale in me.
I'm not one of those pretty faces that could fit on some pages of a men's magazine neither do I have a hot bod that sex-driven lads could drool on but just to be fair to myself, I'm somewhat a looker. I can make some heads turn once in awhile and I've had some random guys either ask for my number or try to get my attention. Inspite of that, I still don't flirt..often. Haha. I consider boys are the best buds ever made. However, when I like someone, I test the waters just to know if somehow he feels the same and if he does, I make damn sure he fall for me even more until he can no longer take it that he have to 'fess up. Haha, a man-eater right there!
Kidding aside, the reason why I was reminded of that personality quiz I took is because Alex finally replied to my message last night and he obviously planned some things which I think just got him in the situation where I want him to be. This is what happened: I'm not supposed to be the first one to text him but I found out yesterday that the shirt I bought from the Slam is missing from my teddy bear bag and I remembered asking him to hold my bag while I pee on a Portalet. I'm no longer drunk at that time because that was early morning already, around 4am, so I remember clearly that I put the t-shirt inside my bag and there's no reason for me to pull it out anyway. I thought it was impossible to lose that shirt so I asked him hoping he knows if I somehow misplaced it. He said he has it, that I left it with him. Damn right. I knew better than that. If you'll ask me, I think he did put my shirt on his bag while I'm in the Portalet. Why? So he has a pretty good excuse see me again after the gig. Tsk..Boys. I deal with them every single day, from my guy friends to my guy colleagues and to those in between.
I had to meet up with him to get my shirt back. I knew that's what he planned to do anyway. He said that I owe him a treat for keeping my shirt. I said no, my thank you is enough. He insisted that we go out Sunday night so we can hang-out. I eventually said yes. Like I said, I knew he planned everything and it works for me as well. I need him as a distraction. He started asking me questions last night if I have a boyfriend to that I said yes and he followed it up if I love my boyfriend and how long we've been together..da-da-dah. I kept my answers short, not wanting to spill any details of my complicated situation, not until he fully understand what role he's gonna play for me. I don't know if he's up for it but I'll know tomorrow night, that's for sure.
The SLAM
05-01-2009 Friday
Shame on me I don't have any photos from the Summer Slam. I have three lame excuses for that. No.1: We spent most of the time standing in line for everything: Entrance, T-shirts, and Portalets. No.2: I was busy either moshing or drinking beer. No.3: I was not with who I'm supposed to be yesterday.
I'll elaborate lame excuse no. 3 further. I'm supposed to be with my
Pards and some of his 'punk' friends (according to him). We're supposed to just meet inside since he was at the Slam as early as 12nn, that's when the gates open. Jesus, I'm NOT that excited about the whole shit to be there that early! So I decided to just let them be there first and I'll just search for them at our usual spot beside the stage. With that being said, I went to the venue on my own but on my way there, a guy I rode the jeep with came up to me on the bus where we both hopped on and asked me if I'm going to the Slam. I nodded yes and he asked me to join him during the trip since we're headed for the same gig. I was pleased to have company so I don't have to think twice in saying yes.
We arrived at
Pantranco at around 3:30. We waited for some of his friends there and he introduced me to two who's already there. (Those two who I ended up tagging along with towards the end of the Slam). One of them is Ram, a small guy with a curly hair that reaches past is shoulders. He was wearing a blue t-shirt and a cap sat on top of his messy hair that was tied with a rubber band. He strikingly resembles the vocalist of the band
Aizo so I didn't have a hard time remembering his looks. The other one, Alex, greeted me with a warm smile and a lazy but solemn look in his deep-set dark brown eyes that I can't help but smile back. He was wearing a pale red t-shirt with the words 'Bug Off!' printed at the back of it and I noticed he has this amused look on his face most of the time.
The line to the entrance was extremely long and we spent that next one hour and thirty minutes standing on that line. I knew
Pards wouldn't wait on me at the side of the stage anymore and I confirmed that when we finally entered
Amoranto. I separated from them for awhile to search for
Pards at our usual spot but he's not there. I searched and searched but the stadium is getting packed and I'm having a hard time distinguishing the faces around me. What's with all those eyeliners and black shirts that makes them all look the same. Sighing, I went back with them and I have no choice but to stick with them throughout the gig.
A good decision, though. I enjoyed their company. We drank beer, smoked some cigarettes and moshed happily. I was officially wasted again. Haha. The moshpit was enough to kick your sanity out of place. Who needs it anyway when you're having a fucking good time?
The main act of the show was Shadows Fall and man, they rocked the entire stadium. The fireworks added excitement to the crowd and I stared in awe as Brian, in all his metal glory, ruled the stage with his extremely long dreadlocks flying gloriously as he bang his head to the rhythm of their songs. Alex was beside me all throughout the moshpits of the crowd as Shadows Fall performed (and even before them, he was with me, holding me as we joined the moshing crowd). One time, I even think he hugged me or maybe I just got pushed too hard or maybe I was just drunk and imagining things. But I'm sure as hell wasn't imagining when he wrapped his arms around my waist or around my shoulders, eager to protect me from getting slammed too much. What was that all about? Gee, I don't know. He did ask for my number so let's see if he could be the distraction I needed. I came up with the solution of finding a distraction so that I don't fall completely for Mac and if he is up for it, then case is closed.
Yeah, I know you'll think I'm a flirt that I can't be content with one guy but it's absurd to give out all your trust and feelings to someone whom you feel is not telling you everything. Someone who keep giving you random bullshits as reasons. Someone who can't clearly state where you stand in his life. I'm still young. I want to still play the field for now so please don't tell me what to do because my mind is pretty made up already. I want someone other than my Mac who will be willing play along with me. I want someone who will keep me from thinking Mac whenever he's not around and I don't have a fucking idea about what he's up to. I give 100% when it comes to relationships, sometimes even more but there are times that I feel like that someone doesn't deserve all of it unless he has proven himself and I think (and all of my friends think) that Mac still has a lot to prove. So for now I should give him 60% and what do I do with the rest? Give to someone else and as I'm typing these today, I'm hoping that that someone else will be Alex.
