Insanity alert

03-16-2009 Monday

I know it's only Monday and I know that I said that I'd give him a week but the waiting is slowly driving me insane!

God, can you believe the guy?! How could you manage to say mushy things, say you mean them blah blah blah but you're not even around to prove it?!! How will I find out if you mean at least half of what you told me when you're nowhere to be found?! ARGHH!!!!

This is all my fault. It shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't have let myself get too close to him. I should be a satisfied and happy single chick right now. Instead, I made things get a little bit more complicated than how it should be.

What's new, anyway? I always have a knack for making a big deal out of itty-bitty things. In other words, I complicate things. Say for example, on a very perfect situation, on a perfect day in a perfect place and time, count on me to do something absolutely wrong that will mess up everything. Everything down the fucking drain.That's what I am, what I can do and I'm not proud of it.

Where the fuck is he? That's the question that keeps on bugging me. I feel like I'm being lied to eventhough it's not really his obligation to send me a message everyday about where he is or what he's up to. Besides, I don't need a detailed report on what's keeping him busy, all I want is to at least have an idea on what's keeping him from seeing me. That 'I'm sick and bedridden for 5 days (uhh make it 7!) now' crap is not something I'm really looking forward to hear. Oh and another thing, we also didn't get a chance to chat this weekend because of this 'my internet connection has been cut-off cause I don't have money right now' crap. He's telling me one thing, I'm hearing crap over and over.

I wanted to believe him. Actually, I think I do. That's also something I hate about myself. I trust easily. However, it doesn't make me gullible because I'm pretty cautious now. Been fooled countless times before so eventhough I already trust someone, I don't admit it. I don't show it. I maintain this invisible solid wall around me to hide my vulnerability. Yes, I've become pretty good at hiding my weakness, you wouldn't even know I'm faking it.

The clock is ticking this week. I have until Sunday to wait for him to show up. If I don't see even a shadow of his ass, I'm done. I will not keep on being like this, wasting time and emotions over someone who obviously don't deserve my trust.

The damn clock is ticking and the sound of it is screwing with my head, making me lose every bit of sanity I have left.

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 7:12 PM