I might need some of it

03-13-2009 Friday

Time check: 9:32pm
Bodyclock check: Slept-8:30am Woke up-2:00pm

So what the hell am I still doing in front of my pc? Hell, I don't know. Maybe because no important someone is sending me a message. None on my phone, none on my IM. Maybe because I wanted to clear my head before going to bed eventhough I really don't need it since I still lack sleep that I can just fall asleep the moment I hit the sack. Maybe because I need to distract myself from thinking too much.

That's all the reason I can think of why I'm still up at this time when I should be getting some much needed sleep. Another thing I need to justify is why I opened this bottle of malt beer now sitting on the table beside my pc, just within my reach. Well, I put this baby on the fridge awhile ago so now it's cold and ready to be handled. It's a malt beer for the ladies so don't worry about me. I might need some of it to erase some unwanted thoughts in my head.

I keep on thinking and thinking about him and it's slowly killing me. I have this nagging feeling inside me that won't go away. Call it a woman's gut or whatever but something is very wrong. I feel like he's not telling me what he's really been up to these past few days.. Uhh it's not like he's obligated to do so but let's put it this way: If you're a guy and you tell the girl you like her, even love her, and you miss her, then you have to make the effort to see her and if you can't, better tell her what's really going on with you, not some lame excuse about being sick for like 5 days now?!

Ok, maybe I'm being too hard on him but it's just that I'm irritated because he's showering me with all those sweet words, making me almost believe in him but then again, he wouldn't show up. A few days ago, I saw his 'uncle' (according to him..) and he was like, "oh, he's not able to come with us". I simply nodded, forcing myself not to ask him why. Woman's intuition tells me that if he really is sick, then his uncle would've told me so, right? We're friends so at least, his uncle can just tell me that his ass is sick that's why he couldn't come. Got the drift?

One gulp. The bitter taste of the beer swam down my throat, calming my nerves, numbing my insides. This is just what I need right now. I glanced at my small Sanyo fridge (which, by the way, is something I earned as an incentive from work heehee), wondering how many bottles I put earlier. Jeez, I wish all those babies are ice cold by now.

Anyway, I'm getting tired of not seeing him because I wanted to see him badly.
Reason no. 1: I just wanna see him.
Reason no. 2: I want to look into those goddamn hypnotizing eyes and ask him to say everything he's telling me on sms just to make sure that he really means them.
It's really hard to believe in a person who 'fess up over the phone. I still believe in some old fashioned way of saying you like, or love someone face to face while you're looking on each other's eyes and there's this irritatingly sweet melody playing in the back of your head then you eventually tell that person that you feel the same way...then you'll probably hug..or kiss..and it's happily ever after crap. Shit did I just imagine all of that?!!

Well, believe it or not, I'ma hopeless romantic. I've never fallen in love. I wanted so bad to fall in love and be like others who can't fall asleep or can't think straight when their lover is not around. I wanted to experience the butterflies in my stomach just by being near that someone. I want someone to make me fall so deeply in love that it takes my breath away. So deeply in love that it hurts, just to make me feel more human. Just to melt the ice that surrounds my entire body system.

I want someone more dominant than me. Someone who can be with me at my best and handle me at my worst. Someone who can punch harder than I do. I don't want a movie star look-alike hunk. I don't fucking care about what he looks like as long as he can make me laugh each and every single day. I don't want someone who'll put me on top of his world, but rather, someone who'll let me in to his world and be a part of him. I want someone who will tell me that I'm beautiful even at 3 o'clock in the freaking morning with my hair messed up, my face without make-up and my eyes still half-closed.

Perhaps, it's the beer that makes me melodramatic tonight. I'm staring at the almost empty bottle of beer, trying to think how I managed to drink that while I'm typing here. A quick glance at the clock told me that it's almost 10:30pm. Oh and I have to wake up tomorrow at 5!!

Gotta finish this up since there's no still no message or anything. No reason for me to stay up late tonight. Fuck boys. They're so hard to figure out sometimes. So full of pretentions. Not to mention their ego. I'm already considering a lesbian partner, something I haven't tried before. Matter of fact, my lesbian colleague gave my number to her cousin who's also a lesbian and we're currently exchanging messages. Nothing sweet. Just casual friends exchanging messages.
Oh boy, I'm a nutcase. But what's wrong with wanting to fall in love?! I have a lot of love to give yet nobody seems to deserve it. No one is good enough for me. OR maybe.. I'm not good enough for them. I want to fall in love, that's it. Is that too much to ask?

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 5:48 AM