I still prefer to call him 'my-someone-with-the-goddamn-beautiful-eyes'
03/29/2009-03/30/2009
Sunday-Monday
Correct me if I'm wrong; I wrote about getting my head kicked real hard the last time I got drunk so I decided to just sleep during my vacation instead of having my hand wrapped around a bottle of beer. Hmm, I did wrote that, didn't I? Well, fuck that. This is my only time to go out again and get wasted so I have to make the most out of it.
Sunday morning: My gramma and I went to the vet to have my Damien vaccinated. I have no choice but be with my gramma since he did a no-show on me again. I asked him, a few days ago, to come with me when I bring my pup to the vet,but as I expected, he was nowhere to be found. I was mad and disappointed because obviously he forgot or maybe he has other things to do.
Sunday afternoon: My madness and disappointment made it hard for me to sleep in the afternoon. He's not sending me a message or anything and I'm frustrated. I want to see him. I want to be with him. The cure for this?
BOOZE.
Booze,that's what I need. With that in mind, I grabbed my cellphone and searched through the many contacts I have, thinking who's always ready when I said I'll treat a few beers. I came across Chitz's number, my bestbud whom I haven't seen in a longtime. I sent a very brief message inviting him out for a drink in Nova Stop,a drinking hotspot outside Robisons. As I expected, he's up for it, told me to text him the time and place and he'll be there. Smiling, I typed, "Tonight 7pm, wait for me at Odyssey, you know it,
pards. See you".
Sunday 5pm: I managed a 1 hour sleep. I was getting ready to take a bath when my cellphone beeped. Surprise, he did text me, telling me he wants to see me, apologizing because he was in Batangas earlier and now he's back so he can meet up with me. I said a very loud 'Humph' as I replied that I have plans tonight but he can join me on my way to Robinson to which he instantly agreed. Gee, what can I say? I always get what I want.
Sunday night: Things turned out perfect. I asked him to join us since
Pards didn't invite anyone with him. He did. I was happy and contented as we talked, drink and smoked, well
Pards and I did, he don't smoke, good for him.
Monday 01:45am:
Pards went home. I was left with him, my head spinning wildly to a rhythm of relentless drumbeat. God, I was drunk but I can see his perfect face clearly. I remember every word he said yet I was too full of him to remember my own words. He said that I'm confusing him and he don't know what I'm thinking. He don't know what else to do to make me believe in him. He said he love me over and over. He didn't know and what I didn't tell him is that eversince he first said it, I believed in him. I just wanted some proof. I just wanted to know that if I fall completely for him, he will cherish me. All I needed is assurance because deep down, beyond the depths of my iron facade, I'm afraid.
Monday early morning: I never wanna go home and part from him. We spent all night talking and I eventually told him that I feel the same way for him. He held me close and while he did, I closed my eyes and savored in his sweet scent. I can't remember the last time I ever felt this perfect.
I've fallen for him. I hope, just like I always did before, that this time it's for good.
Hibernation
03-27-2009 Friday
It has been a long week, (and a long month too for that matter), but it all ended fairly okay. Now, I'm looking forward for a 5-day vacation which is something I prefer to call 'hibernation'. Earlier we wrapped up the month of March at work and I'm pretty satisfied with the stats I ended up with plus the commission I'm getting in a week or so. Who wants to go out and drink?!! Nah, I got my head kicked real hard the last time I got drunk so what I need to do with my vacation is get lots of zzzz's especially during the afternoon since my bodyclock was poorly ruined that I tend to wake up at 3 or 4 in the morning no matter how early or late I sleep at night.
Another thing, this vacation is something I need so I can spend some time with him to just hang-out, try to get to know him more before I give the magic word called 'yes'. Uhh, yeah, he's been exerting effort lately to show me he cared and I really appreciated that. I love the fact that he always send me a message, and even accompanied me on my way to the office for the past 3 days. He seemed to compensate the days that he didn't show up. Hah! That's what I need from him. Stop saying the mushy words and just prove 'em. I'm not that hard to please and right now, I'm just waiting for the right time to tell him 'yes'.
Though, I still have some reservations. I don't want to fall for him so hard he might break me to pieces. I maybe just being overly paranoid but I haven't been with a guy as goodlooking as him so it scares the hell out of me. Oh well, he seemed to be worth the risk anyway.
I will update sometime soon. In the meantime, let me enjoy my
Hibernation.
3 Important guys in 1 Night
03-19-2009 Thursday
Oh come on, it's not what you're thinking! I'm happy today because for the first time in a long time, things worked out the way I planned them to be. Great.
First things first, I met Mario, my most recent ex, at around 4 at SM Fairview. I have to return the usb and book I borrowed from him and he mentioned beforehand that he has something important to say. A lot of thoughts have been running on my mind while on my way to the mall. I'm thinking, maybe it's painful for him to read this blogs that I've wrote about someone else, or maybe he wanted some clarifications if I have someone else already or not. Well, whatever, I wanted us to remain friends and most importantly, I wanna skip to the most exciting part of this day.
So we talked. Turns out what he wanted to say is something I somehow expected in the back of my mind but couldn't convince myself that it could be. He wanted to get as far away from me as possible. No communications, nothing. He said he can't bear the thought of being friends with me when in fact he still feels something for me. Sucks. Just when I thought he's cool about everything. Well, I can't blame him and I appreciate the honesty. What I can't accept is that it's all too sudden. I have no idea at all that this is what he's going through. I've hurted him by falling out of love and if it wasn't enough, I keep on hurting him by pleading to still be friends with him and stay in touch. I feel guilty but I really have to let him go. For real.
He said he'll come back, though. Once he's ready to face me again and be friends. I said I'll wait. He's a good friend. We get along well and I'm sure as hell, I'm gonna miss his company. Before he left, I made him promise me that he'll move on. I wanted him to be happy. I wanted him to get over me. We still had a few laughs before my other guy friend showed up so I introduced them, handshakes and all then Mario went on his way. I remain standing there at the crowded mall, looking at him as he walked out of the mall and out of my life, and at the same time, wishing that the love I wasn't able to give will soon find him.
Alrighty. Guy number 2 is my good friend Jerwine whom I haven't seen in a long time. I asked him out so we can drink, hang-out and try to catch up with each other's lives. We sat at an outside seat on this place called Gerrys. A few bottles of beer, a bucket of ice, one pack of Marlboro lights, an ashtray, a Tuna sisig on a dish, a bucket of ice and two tall glasses all in front of us at the table and the mood is set for a good ol' friendly conversation. I miss having a good conversation with someone. If there's one thing that Jerwine and I likes to talk about, it's music. We talked about his band, the music industry, the gigs which I always miss because of work, the other bands that we know personally, and stuff like that. By the time we gulped the last few drops of our drinks, I was slightly dizzy but it's all good. Haven't felt slightly drunk in a long time. We seperated at the bus stop in front of SM and I waved gratefully at him as he rode the bus that'll take him to his house in Bulacan.
Save the best for last, they say, so here it is.
He made the very much anticipated appearance. At last! What happened was he texted me last night and I raised hell in my reply, telling him that I doubt him, I think he's full of excuses and I will not believe him until he show up and tell me everything he keeps on saying to me in person. Obviously he was alarmed so in other words, I was able to get what I want. Haha.
As I was saying, he did showed up. He picked me up at the bus stop in SM. He was there after I waved Jerwine goodbye. Sigh. The face I long to see was there in front of me, I'm slightly drunk and his gaze is not helping me sober up, at all. I let him talk, let him explain himself and all the time he's talking I was doing nothing, saying nothing but stare at those piercing warm brown eyes. Dammit. All the anger, frustration and doubt was all washed away as he spoke and I believe him. God, I believe him. I can tell that he's telling the truth. About his feelings for me, that he was sick for a week, oh man, about everything. I saw it in the depth of his eyes.
He never left me on the way home. He said he's gonna make sure that I come home safely. I let him come with me. He even walk me home. We were talking, joking around and laughing as we walk. It was nice to be with him. Damn, I really like him. Love? Nope but if things continue to be this way, then it's not so far.
I showed him our house from the outside since I can't invite him in anyway. I thanked him for everything and reminded him that it's late so he should be on his way. To end the perfect night, he told me he love me one more time, held my hand and I almost lost all my inhibitions. Still, I have reservations so I smiled and said I'll think about it but I didn't broke my hand free. It felt right, somehow.
So there. One long night but everything was right. Drunk, headache, hangover and all, but fuck it, I'm so damn happy so it was all worth it. Damn worth it.
So this is what Single life is like..
03-17-2009 Tuesday
One text message a day isn't enough to keep me from losing my mind. It doesn't even compensate the fact that I rarely hear from him. I'm pissed. I'm thoroughly, absolutely pissed.
Today is Tuesday. Now shall I wait until Sunday or Friday? Dammit, I know myself. I damn well know that by next week I'll probably be still waiting for him to make the much anticipated appearance. I know that's stupid of me. Why waste my time on someone I barely even know? Someone who can't even be totally honest about what he's been up to? God, I should also stop writing about him!
Know what I'm starting to realize? Single life is cool if you have all the time in the world to go out, party, hook up with a total stranger, get wasted and do it all over again the next day. It's fun because you can go out as much as you want, flirt all you want without having to worry about someone who'll most likely crack your head open out of jealousy. On the contrary, if you're a gal like me who's life is as boring as waking up at night to go to work, coming home in the morning, eating breakfast while watching either a good mystery drama show or a gore horror flick, then sleep and the routine starts all over again, being single is not really something that'll fill the gap in between. I think I have to admit it... I need someone. Sure I like some alone time but the silence is deafening sometimes. It's still nice to have someone to cuddle, to kiss you on the cheek just to relieve all the tension thrust upon your shoulder for that entire day. Oops, I think I should stop before I go melodramatic all over.
I think what I need is to get my social life back. Hang-out with some old lunatic friends of mine, have fun, drink booze, smoke a little. Yes I know I'm done being a badass but some retrospect wouldn't hurt. I don't plan to go back to my old ways, it's just that I might need to loosen up a bit. I've been too boring eversince I started taking my job seriously. Work has consumed all of me. It has eaten me alive. I crave work. I wanted to sell, sell, earn, earn. Not that it's a bad thing, it just made me so goddamn boring that no one can relate to me anymore.
Who can blame me for being that way? I mean, look at my job. It's as stressful as hell that all I wanna do when I get home is lie in bed all day and be nothing but boring.
I don't get enough sleep eventhough I'm almost overdosed with anti-oxidants just so I can sleep, I get tons of headache, and although I feel like shit, I'm still required to work and hit goals. Now, instead of feeling like shit, what I did was bend over backwards to surpass expectations. I guess that's what changed me. That's what made my personality so strong. I've become more opinionated, more determined than ever to survive the circumstances. Yeah, you can call me serious or boring and I'll turn around and say 'thanks'.
So in conclusion, I'm still waiting for him, I'm still boring, I'm still pissed and most importantly, I'm still halfway from losing my mind completely. I guess I'll just let this week pass and I'll figure out something by next week. Hopefully.
Insanity alert
03-16-2009 Monday
I know it's only Monday and I know that I said that I'd give him a week but the waiting is slowly driving me insane!
God, can you believe the guy?! How could you manage to say mushy things, say you mean them blah blah blah but you're not even around to prove it?!! How will I find out if you mean at least half of what you told me when you're nowhere to be found?! ARGHH!!!!
This is all my fault. It shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't have let myself get too close to him. I should be a satisfied and happy single chick right now. Instead, I made things get a little bit more complicated than how it should be.
What's new, anyway? I always have a knack for making a big deal out of itty-bitty things. In other words, I complicate things. Say for example, on a very perfect situation, on a perfect day in a perfect place and time, count on me to do something absolutely wrong that will mess up everything. Everything down the fucking drain.That's what I am, what I can do and I'm not proud of it.
Where the fuck is he? That's the question that keeps on bugging me. I feel like I'm being lied to eventhough it's not really his obligation to send me a message everyday about where he is or what he's up to. Besides, I don't need a detailed report on what's keeping him busy, all I want is to at least have an idea on what's keeping him from seeing me. That 'I'm sick and bedridden for 5 days (uhh make it 7!) now' crap is not something I'm really looking forward to hear. Oh and another thing, we also didn't get a chance to chat this weekend because of this 'my internet connection has been cut-off cause I don't have money right now' crap. He's telling me one thing, I'm hearing crap over and over.
I wanted to believe him. Actually, I think I do. That's also something I hate about myself. I trust easily. However, it doesn't make me gullible because I'm pretty cautious now. Been fooled countless times before so eventhough I already trust someone, I don't admit it. I don't show it. I maintain this invisible solid wall around me to hide my vulnerability. Yes, I've become pretty good at hiding my weakness, you wouldn't even know I'm faking it.
The clock is ticking this week. I have until Sunday to wait for him to show up. If I don't see even a shadow of his ass, I'm done. I will not keep on being like this, wasting time and emotions over someone who obviously don't deserve my trust.
The damn clock is ticking and the sound of it is screwing with my head, making me lose every bit of sanity I have left.
I'm losing it...
03-14-2009 Saturday
Slowly. One day after the other.
Why is it that I make myself complicated most of the time when I can just ignore the things that make me lose my mind? I shouldn't even be bothered with it but how come I can't stop thinking about him? Why is it that when I'm not hearing anything from him, I get bored as hell?
I'm longing to see that goddamn beautiful face of his with a smile that can melt my insides. I wanted him to show me that he meant everything he told me. If it's gonna go on like this without me having the slightest idea what he's been up to lately, I swear to God, I'll just cut all this bullshit, move on and find another prospect. Darn, I wish it was that easy.
I like him. I really do. But I haven't told him anything yet. Nah, he's probably aware of that already. Why would I even give my number to him when he asked for it in the first place? It goes to show that I'm interested in him. Like I said, boys are not really dumb, they just play that part to save their ego from getting scarred. (Don't let me explain why I said that). Now here I am again, pulling every strand of my hair out of frustration. Whenever I look at my cellphone and there's no new message from him, I get disappointed. Oh wait, he sent me a message alright, a forwarded message twice yesterday but then that's it. Haven't heard from him until now. I still don't know when I'll see him again and that's what kills me. Plus, what kills me more is the fact that I don't know where the fuck he is, what the fuck he's doing or if he's really sick like what he claimed to be. I want to know everything about him so I'll know how to handle him! Whether to take him seriously or not, know what I mean?
Nothing is here to distract me at this time. It rained a few hours ago and bam, all the powers went out. I plan to do some serious movie marathon today but thanks to the blackout, I'm sitting here again trying hard not to think or even look at my cellphone for it'll only bring further disappointment.
I have to think of something. Anything. This isn't how I planned my single life to be. I'm supposed to be enjoying me freedom and some time alone with myself. Alright,one week. Next week, he has to see me. If he don't it's his loss, not mine. Right. Now where did I put the bottle of beer that I just opened? I don't know how long this blackout is gonna last so I better drink this baby while it's still chilled.
I might need some of it
03-13-2009 Friday
Time check: 9:32pm
Bodyclock check: Slept-8:30am Woke up-2:00pm
So what the hell am I still doing in front of my pc? Hell, I don't know. Maybe because no important someone is sending me a message. None on my phone, none on my IM. Maybe because I wanted to clear my head before going to bed eventhough I really don't need it since I still lack sleep that I can just fall asleep the moment I hit the sack. Maybe because I need to distract myself from thinking too much.
That's all the reason I can think of why I'm still up at this time when I should be getting some much needed sleep. Another thing I need to justify is why I opened this bottle of malt beer now sitting on the table beside my pc, just within my reach. Well, I put this baby on the fridge awhile ago so now it's cold and ready to be handled. It's a malt beer for the ladies so don't worry about me. I might need some of it to erase some unwanted thoughts in my head.
I keep on thinking and thinking about him and it's slowly killing me. I have this nagging feeling inside me that won't go away. Call it a woman's gut or whatever but something is very wrong. I feel like he's not telling me what he's really been up to these past few days.. Uhh it's not like he's obligated to do so but let's put it this way: If you're a guy and you tell the girl you like her, even love her, and you miss her, then you have to make the effort to see her and if you can't, better tell her what's really going on with you, not some lame excuse about being sick for like 5 days now?!
Ok, maybe I'm being too hard on him but it's just that I'm irritated because he's showering me with all those sweet words, making me almost believe in him but then again, he wouldn't show up. A few days ago, I saw his 'uncle' (according to him..) and he was like, "oh, he's not able to come with us". I simply nodded, forcing myself not to ask him why. Woman's intuition tells me that if he really is sick, then his uncle would've told me so, right? We're friends so at least, his uncle can just tell me that his ass is sick that's why he couldn't come. Got the drift?
One gulp. The bitter taste of the beer swam down my throat, calming my nerves, numbing my insides. This is just what I need right now. I glanced at my small Sanyo fridge (which, by the way, is something I earned as an incentive from work heehee), wondering how many bottles I put earlier. Jeez, I wish all those babies are ice cold by now.
Anyway, I'm getting tired of not seeing him because I wanted to see him badly.
Reason no. 1: I just wanna see him.
Reason no. 2: I want to look into those goddamn hypnotizing eyes and ask him to say everything he's telling me on sms just to make sure that he really means them.
It's really hard to believe in a person who 'fess up over the phone. I still believe in some old fashioned way of saying you like, or love someone face to face while you're looking on each other's eyes and there's this irritatingly sweet melody playing in the back of your head then you eventually tell that person that you feel the same way...then you'll probably hug..or kiss..and it's happily ever after crap. Shit did I just imagine all of that?!!
Well, believe it or not, I'ma hopeless romantic. I've never fallen in love. I wanted so bad to fall in love and be like others who can't fall asleep or can't think straight when their lover is not around. I wanted to experience the butterflies in my stomach just by being near that someone. I want someone to make me fall so deeply in love that it takes my breath away. So deeply in love that it hurts, just to make me feel more human. Just to melt the ice that surrounds my entire body system.
I want someone more dominant than me. Someone who can be with me at my best and handle me at my worst. Someone who can punch harder than I do. I don't want a movie star look-alike hunk. I don't fucking care about what he looks like as long as he can make me laugh each and every single day. I don't want someone who'll put me on top of his world, but rather, someone who'll let me in to his world and be a part of him. I want someone who will tell me that I'm beautiful even at 3 o'clock in the freaking morning with my hair messed up, my face without make-up and my eyes still half-closed.
Perhaps, it's the beer that makes me melodramatic tonight. I'm staring at the almost empty bottle of beer, trying to think how I managed to drink that while I'm typing here. A quick glance at the clock told me that it's almost 10:30pm. Oh and I have to wake up tomorrow at 5!!
Gotta finish this up since there's no still no message or anything. No reason for me to stay up late tonight. Fuck boys. They're so hard to figure out sometimes. So full of pretentions. Not to mention their ego. I'm already considering a lesbian partner, something I haven't tried before. Matter of fact, my lesbian colleague gave my number to her cousin who's also a lesbian and we're currently exchanging messages. Nothing sweet. Just casual friends exchanging messages.
Oh boy, I'm a nutcase. But what's wrong with wanting to fall in love?! I have a lot of love to give yet nobody seems to deserve it. No one is good enough for me. OR maybe.. I'm not good enough for them. I want to fall in love, that's it. Is that too much to ask?
How long does it take before it's more than an attraction?
I'm already on the verge of giving in. I know it's very wrong. I just finished a good relationship so I don't deserve to be happy with someone else. I don't even believe that I can possibly fall for someone whom I just met a couple of weeks ago.
I know myself better than anyone else however when it comes to relationships, I'm a stranger to my own feelings. I don't know why I fall so easily for someone, stick with them for awhile but eventually fall out of love then I find another one again and the cycle goes on and on 'till I'm fucking sick of myself. You really think I'm happy with that? Not really. I'm no different than a whore who swings from one guy's dick to the other. Crap, sorry for the disgusting metaphor but that's how unclean I feel.
I know what I like in a guy. I don't have that many standards when I find a boyfriend. As long as the guy is fun to be with and sincere, I can fall for him. Hell, I don't even care about the looks. But still, what's wrong with me?!! I keep on asking that same question over and over and over but the answer eludes me.
My friends tell me that I'm still too young that I just don't know what I want for now. Others tell me that maybe I still haven't fallen in love yet. I thank them for understanding me but it doesn't make me feel good about myself. Not even close.
So anyway back to my original sentiment. How long does it take before you can say that what you feel is more than an attraction? The thing is, this guy with the breathtaking beautiful eyes is being very vocal about his so-called 'feelings' about me. He tells me he likes me, he even loves me, yada yada and I'm like, 'That's crazy! We're just starting to get to know each other! How could you say that?!!?' JESUS. I'm gonna go insane with that guy. Shit, I maybe insane...or worse, crazy about him already. The fuck! NO NO. Forget I said that.
Can anyone give me an adequate answer?? I've been in this situation before and it's not advisable for me to just jump into a relationship just because the guy fascinates me. Yeah, he does fascinate me, in a hell lot of ways. Is that enough? Is a couple of weeks enough to believe that he has really fallen for me? That's plain shit, man. It's hard to take him seriously because I want to have reservations for myself. I miss having someone yet the time that I'm alone is not yet enough for the self-realization to come out in the surface.
I'm still the same, old, unpredictable me and at this state, I don't trust myself to be with anyone right now.
Who am I kidding?
03-08-2009 Sunday
[Please, don't even think about falling for me. You don't wanna be the next prey of my selfish inhibitions. Stay away... Back out before it's too late.]
Who the hell am I kidding? I'm the one who got myself into this. Another prospect. Another someone to break into pieces after I'm done using and taking advantage of? No. I don't want to do this.
I promised myself that I'm gonna be single for awhile...like maybe a few months, just to pull myself together and figure out how to really fall for someone the next time I meet a someone. Then what? Just a few weeks after being single, here I go again, liking someone. This is not the same Mr. fucking Airhead-I'm-too-handsome-dude at work. In fact he's not even a colleague of mine.
He just popped out of nowhere. Like bam! With those breathtaking goddamn beautiful eyes. Goddamn beautiful eyes of a freaking stranger.
I'm not gonna spill out any other details for now. I just don't want him to be the next victim of my selfishness. I'd rather be alone for now. Save him from myself. God, I'm a plague.
Addicted to Underworld
03-03-2009 Tuesday
The hell I am!
I should've known that this is a hell of a film.
Vampire stuff doesn't really fascinate me since emo kids bastardized the term 'vampire' and used it to disgustingly show how 'dark' their world is and other shitty things like that. However, watching the first of thhe Underworld trilogy (as far as I know..is there a 4th one??), I'm instantly hooked. Kate Beckinsale is fucking hot and I'm suddenly considering of replacing my hazelnut brown contacts to velvet blue like hers in this film. he-he.
You might not hear from me for awhile because of a few things: busy at work (yeah as if that's something new), I have a good book to read, and a couple of good flicks just recently downloaded in my pc that I need to watch. So if you'll miss me... Just try to imagine Kate Beckinsale, a gun in each hand, shooting and kicking guy's asses because I'll be here, eyes glued to her, mesmerized and finally able to say the word vampire without thinking of a sham emo bastard.
When it's over
03-02-2009 Monday
The second chance slipped from my grip because it has to end. Who am I kidding to start with? What's the sense of staying with him if it no longer makes us happy? No wait, I am happy. Happy if staying with him makes him happy. Little did I know that in doing so, I only made him more miserable with me.
I know I've changed and I know that he can feel it. Boys can be insensitive but not when it comes to sensing if a girl has lost interest in him. They're human too, gals, believe me.
I did try to work things out between us. I tried my best to regain my feelings for him but I came up with nothing. Empty. I feel like I needed some time with myself. Just me.
I vaguely remember how old I was the last time I was single. I think I'm 16? Or 17? I went from one boyfriend to the other. I guess I'm afraid to be alone. I demand too much and when they bore the hell out of me, I fall out of love. I left them and find someone else.
Not this time. I think I'll prefer to be alone for awhile and stop breaking hearts. It's time to have friends again and enjoy other peoples company. I've been too reserved and boring for the past few months so I guess it's time to loosen up a bit.
Ahh, it's good to be single again.
As for him, I'm glad that the break-up is not a bad or bitter one. Matter of fact, it was unbelievably easy for both of us. We're friends, good friends and we promised to remain that way. I am hoping he'll find someone more deserving for him because I want him to be happy.
It's over. I felt relieved tha the heavy burden has been lifted. God bless his heart.
What's next for the new single me? We'll see. I'll keep y'all posted.
