Tears and Fears

03-12-2009 Sunday

3:23am

On the surface, I'm calmly sitting in front of the computer at work, waiting for a call, and occasionally sipping my much needed coffee.
On the inside, I'm falling blindly on a bottomless pit, hearing his words over and over, seeing the baby, imagining his past, crying and screaming all my suppressed emotions.

One of my colleague told me that I'm overreacting about the whole thing but I guess I'm too fucked up for anyone to understand. I'm insecure, I'm an attention whore, I know what I want and I make sure I get it, I want what's mine to be all mine. I know it's all in the past but I'm scared to death that his past will make it's way to the present because of what's connecting them. It's a past that happened not too long ago, for Christ's sake! We're talking a few months here! Not even a year! Now tell me I have no reason to be paranoid!

I do trust him but I'm hurting for a number of reasons. Reasons that I made to inflict pain on myself, if you'll ask my aforementioned colleague. One, like I said, I'm scared to death. Two, he's planning to take custody of his son (not that I'm gonna tell him not to because I don't have any right to tell him what to do..). Three, it may not affect us now but I have a feeling that it might affect us someday. Four, I don't know how to accept the kid because I feel like I'm gonna see the image of the mother and it's driving me insane to even think about how they used to be. That's how paranoid I can get.

Like I said on my previous post, this is the first time I found myself in this situation so I don't know how to handle things. I guess I needed a solid assurance from him. I guess I needed to start acting mature about this. I need to accept every part of him if I want him to stay, if I want our relationship to last (God, I'm hoping it will..).

I don't know what's making it so hard. My colleague told me that he's been on the same situation before and it's totally fine with him. He reminded that had it been me who has bore a child out of wedlock, I would of course want my boyfriend to accept me and the child. Bulls eye. Putting yourself in someone else's shoe can definitely help you understand them better. But I guess in my case, understanding isn't closely related to acceptance.

This is not making any sense. I'm completely aware that I'm not being reasonable. I want to stop feeling like this. I want to stop hurting. I feel this heavy burden in my chest and I want to cry it all out. Bawl like what I did before when I lost my Seifer. Maybe that'll help me feel better. Maybe it's similar to when you lost someone you're first in the state of denial, then grieving, before you're able to accept what happened. Yeah, I guess that's it! Let's see, it's the weekend, it's my day-off later... Bring on the beers to bring out the tears! Did I just say something as stupid as that? God, I'm screwed....

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 6:12 AM