Drowning in the blackhole

04-11-2009 Saturday

02:25am

I'm already at work, typing this shit while listening to some random American nag me over the phone. Surprisingly, I'm not understanding any word this bitch is saying because my mind is completely elsewhere.

"That's my son.." the words kept on ringing inside my head and I seriously think I'm gonna go insane. That can't be true. He's 20 years old. Yeah I know it's common with teenagers these days but why him of all people?! I mean, I've had boyfriends over 23 years of age but none of them is a father already. I've never been into this situation before so this is as shocking as it is painful. He told me the story. The baby is not even a year old! So lemme see, it has been 5 or 6 months only!? God.

He said the baby is in the custody of his ex's mother but he sends money every now and then. Great, 20 years old with a responsibility badge glistening on his sleeve. What more can I ask for?

"I accept you.." I've told him earlier. "..but you can't expect me to accept the child.."
"You don't accept the entire me, then.." he said bitterly.
"I do! I accept every part of you, but not that.."
"He's a part of me."
'Shit.' I thought. 'How stupid of me..' I ran out of words. What he's saying is a fact, and every word is a bullet shot directly to my entire being.

I can just say that it don't bother me but I'll be lying. It bothered me! The fact that he has a son who will always remind him of his past, sort of like what connects him to 'her' and that's what kills me. Oh and another thing, he said he's considering of taking custody of the child once he turns 1. Uhh, yeah. Him, mini-he, me, lalala three's a company.

I'm gonna say it; I HATE KIDS. I'd take care of a bunch of cats and dogs rather than babysit a kid. Noooo way. I don't even plan on having a baby in the future. Noooo way. I don't see myself being a mom. God, no. That's part of the reason why I'm having a hard time accepting the child. Another reason is that if he took custody of the child, I feel like I'll be sharing his time and attention with his son. Call me a selfish motherfucking bitch who gets jealous over a kid but I just want what's mine, if you know what I mean.

I'm not gonna leave him. That's not what this is about. This is about me hurting and trying my best to think of how I can accept that truth. His past. This is about me drowning slowly on a blackhole I created myself. How unbelievably pathetic.

I'm still crazy about him. It didn't change my feelings for him. I'm just...not ready for this. If there's one thing I really appreciated, it is the fact that I'm finally starting to see right through him. I've never seen him that serious since I've known him so I'll give him the credit for being so damn sincere. I saw the look of concern in his eyes. Concern for his son, for me, for our relationship.

I won't lose him. I don't know why I have to be in this situation but maybe..just maybe it's a wake-up call for me to grow up and take life more seriously.

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 6:11 AM