I'm getting more paranoid..

04-13-2009 Monday

And it shows. And I know that it's starting to get on his nerves. As scared as I am, I really can't help it. I'm simply making things complicated but damn it, you all should know by now that 'complicated' is my middle name.

This is how I look at it; I'm just preparing myself for the worst. Life has always been tricky on me so let's just say that I'm having a smooth sail at life right now that's why life can throw a curve ball at me anytime. I've lived long enough and experienced enough to know that things can go downright wrong when you least expect it so it's still better to be on the lookout at all times.

You can also say that I believe in karma and with everything I've done in the past with my exes, I'm surprised that karma hasn't come my way yet to make me pay. Though I know it's gonna come soon. Hell, I've never been this afraid. I can say that I'm prepared to get hurt but once I'm in pain, it's still gonna suck so bad. The inevitable truth is that we can never be prepared enough. That's just how it is. That's how life plays us, shuffles us like unsteady deck of cards, soaring and tumbling wildly into the abyss.

I still don't know how to handle the fact that he has a child. Moreover, we're still not yet having a serious conversation about it because one: we can't find the right place (do you seriously think that a crowded mall full of noisy cunts is a right place?) and two: I want a bottle of beer in my hand as a witness.

I have a lot of questions to ask him. Questions I've kept inside since he told me the truth. Questions that are crucial in our relationship. I want assurance from him too. I don't want anything to change between us. Most importantly, I want to stop hurting and I want to accept his child. I want to be able to look at the picture of the baby without thinking about his ex. I want to think that the baby is his alone. Like he miraculously gave birth to it.

He loves his child. I know that. I see it in his eyes whenever he talk about him. I'm stupid enough to be hurt when I think about that. Of course, it's his child how could he NOT love his own flesh and blood? I guess what's painful is to think the possibility that he might still have feelings for the mother of his child. Yes, paranoia at it's worst. But could that be possible? To love your child but NOT the other person who made it as well? Can someone answer me honestly?? How can the past be separated from the present when a living baby is connecting both worlds? Am I that crazy to ask those questions??

We need to talk. It can't wait any longer because the longer I wait, the more fucked up I'm becoming...and obviously, it shows.



**Oh btw, this one's taken earlier when we're at the mall.. Sigh, what a sweet, irresistible face.

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 1:17 AM