Friends vs lover

04-16-2009 Thursday

I can't believe that after shedding a river of tears the last time we talked, it's like nothing happened when we met earlier. We're still a happy pair, talking and laughing.

I also can't believe that I'm already taking a risk. I'm letting myself fall for him completely which is something I didn't plan when he was still courting me. I promised myself that I'm gonna have reservations for myself to avoid getting hurt like hell.

The truth is I can no longer help myself. I've fallen for him real hard that I'm already considering to take his bait of the 'living together' crap. If things we're as easy as that, I'll be living my own happily ever after but things just don't always go your way. There are a lot of things to
consider: my religion, my family, my responsibility, his responsibility. I still believe in marriage. Fuck, he made me believe in marriage again.

I'm torn between a lot of things as well. My intuitions, his words, and other people's advices. I've always listened to myself, do what I want to do which eventually led me to either humiliation or further trouble. Lessons learned so now I take some time to listen to what others have to say. Others who actually care about me and who has always been there. I don't know if I've been listening too much because my intuitions and doubts are fueled by what they have to say about him and our situation. I don't know what to believe in anymore.

We were on our usual hang-out in Nova Stop a few hours ago and even-though I'm already here at work, I can still see the pained look in his eyes when he said he feels that I don't trust him enough. I was surprised because I think I'm finally seeing right through him. I told him that he scares me because I see myself in him. We're the kind who easily finds someone else, we don't like being held too tight and I don't know but I think I might be holding him too tight right now. Its like everything seemed to happen a bit too fast for both of us so how can he be so sure. He again asked me what kind of assurance do I need. He said the 'marriage' shit again and I had to tell him that I feel like he's saying it to make me stop blabbering not because he want to. He had the serious look in his eyes again as he told me that I just don't trust him enough. He said that when he's serious a relationship lasts for him and all I could say was 'so you're serious with me?'. He gave me a smoldering look, 'doesn't it show? are you blind?'. That gave me the creeps..the good kind.

What am I supposed to do now? I can't leave him. I don't want to.
Here are the possible choices for me.
1. Take a risk by completely believing in him, holding on and falling deeper for him which could result to unimaginable pain if things don't work out.
2. Give just 50% of my emotions and keep the rest for myself so if things don't work out, it wouldn't hurt that bad.
3. Mingle with other guys so that my feelings are not all his? (Note:Remember mr. Airhead? He's up to something again...)
Sigh... Whether I admit it or not, I'm already devouring the #1 option.

What more can I say? I'm so into him. I'm fascinated with the way his lazy brown eyes glisten whenever he tells an interesting story. I like it when he gave me a bored or irritated look whenever I mess his usually unruly hair. Like I said before, I can't get enough of him. I simply CAN'T.

4:53am

If I have a cigarette for every friend who will tell me not to pursue my relationship with him, I'll have lung cancer by now.

I just ate at the pantry and spoke with a friend/colleague about him. She's way older than me and being old means she's mature enough plus, I trust her judgment. Imagine my surprise when she said that I deserve someone better. She was able to read my blog entries about him and she said that he's not worth it. That I'm gonna find someone better or I need to find someone better.

What now? Most of of my friends are saying no. I guess I need to introduce him to them? Maybe he'll leave a good impression that'll prove them wrong? I don't want their judgment to affect us but I know that they just care about me. They wouldn't just say that if they don't right?

If there's one thing I hate the most, it's when people tell me what to do. However, these aren't just random people, these people are my friends. I keep a small circle of friends. Those I know I can really trust and count on. Those are just advices anyway, it's still up to me to take it or not but still, it's as confusing as hell.

Hold on? Let go? Elope? Nah.

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 7:20 AM