Beer, Cigarettes and Meaningless conversations

04/14/2009-04/15/2009
Tuesday-Wednesday

Well, not entirely meaningless.

Wednesday: It's 05:54pm, I have one of the worse hangover, my head is throbbing as well as my eyes due to lack of sleep. Shit, guess I'm not getting any sleep today since I still have to go to work later.

I won't bore you with the details of how I became a total psycho last night when I was drunk so let me just share the conversations I've had. Err, conversations that I remembered when I was still somewhat sober.

I'll start with the one I've had with a good friend of mine, Alpon.
Tuesday 6:15pm:

"So, pusa, what is it that you wanna tell me?" (PUSA is what my close friends call me, by the way..)
"Pon, I guess I've found my karma..."
He smiled, "Really now..." he knows about my exes.
"Yeah. Remember my boyfriend that I was telling you about?"
"Uh-huh.."
I held my breath.."Well, you see.. He told me something.."
"About??"
"What I should know." I tried to keep my voice straight.
"What is it?"
I don't know how to say the words without feeling a sharp stab of pain in my gut so I remained quiet.
He got the gist of it so he just guessed, "He has another girl?"
I shook my head.
"He's married before?"
Silence.
"He has a child?"
Bingo. "Yeah."
He waited for me to explain.
"I don't know how to accept the child, Pon! What scares me is that his past might come back anytime because there is something alive that connects the two of them!" I blurted out. Damn it felt good to tell it to someone. "It would be easier if it has happened years before but no! We're talking about a few months here! The baby is not even a year old, Pon...."
He pondered what I just said. "That's a tough one. You have to know where you stand. You have to be open to some possibilities. Negative possibilities."
"I know! I can't leave him because I told him I won't and besides I can't! It's just hard and scary.. that's all.."
"You have a reason to feel that way. Why did they broke up? You have to know. If it's just some misunderstanding then a reconciliation could be possible because of the child. If it's a third party, who betrayed who?"
"I want to talk with him about it, it's just that we haven't got the chance... Uhh tonight, hopefully." I checked on my cellphone to see if there's any message from him. None.
"Yeah. You two should talk. Pusa, I don't want you to get hurt but if worse comes to worse...you know you can always come here and we can make sure he doesn't live another day." he joked.
I laughed at that.



Wednesday 3:40am

Kuya Joey, my Mac's cousin is a jolly fella who entertained us throughout our drinking session and as we finished the last of the beers we have, I had a surprisingly serious talk with him. I'm surprised, simply because he's the type of guy who jokes about everything and anything you tell him.I just need someone to talk to since Mac is already asleep on the couch and he seemed to have forgotten the 'talk' that we're supposed to have or he's just simply drunk and tired.

"Kuya Joey can I ask you something?" I said seriously.
He stared at me for awhile, "Sure.." Good thing he's in the mood for some serious talk.
"You love your baby girl don't you?" I asked, picking up the pack of cigarettes in front of us and retrieved a stick.
"'Course I do. Why'd you ask?" he seemed taken aback by my question.
I shrugged. "Where's the mother?" I continued ignoring his question.
"She's a bitch and we're no longer together." he answered honestly, gulping the remaining beer on his glass.
"Do you still have feelings for her?"
He shook his head. "A lot of girls has already came my way after her and it has happened years ago. My girl is almost 6 years old now."
"So you love your daughter but not the mother of your daughter?" I lit my cigarette.
"Yes."
I frowned. "Is that possible?"
"Yeah. You may not know it since you're still young but being a parent is one of the greatest thing you'll ever experience. You can love the child and nothing else."
"You said you've had girlfriends after you broke up with the mom of your child right? How did they accept the child?"
He was silent for a few seconds. "Some of them was able to accept it, some can't. I chose my child over those who can't accept her."
I felt the sick feeling in my stomach. Mac will definitely choose the child over me if I can't accept them both. I didn't say anything. I just took a long drag on my cigarette while staring at the poster of a small kid sitting beside a lion that's on the wall behind Kuya Joey. "It's okay for you because it has happened a few years ago..." I finally managed to say.
"Maybe...but still..."
"You're situation is different. How will I know where I stand. It's hard being a girl. We always lose the fight simply because we have a lot to lose." I said.
"If you think that us guys don't have anything to lose then you're wrong." he sounded so sure of that.
I crossed my eyebrows, "Yeah right."
"No seriously. You don't know it but we also have something to lose."
"Fine. If you say so. You're older, you know better."
He smiled, "Damn right I do."
"But again, please tell me. Give me an assurance." I took a deep breath, "Is it really possible to love your child but NOT the ex?"
He looked straight into my eyes, "Yes, it is."



Wednesday 8:12am

The much awaited 'talk'.

"I just want assurance from you. This situation is scaring me to death. I'm scared to get hurt. Scared of everything.." I kept on saying to him over and over.
He seemed irritated by my redundancy. "You're scared because you can't accept my child and you don't trust me."
"The reason why I'm having a hard time accepting that fact is because it has been a few months only! Know what I mean? I told a close friend about it and he said that I'm on the losing side! What if the past comes back? What if she come back? You have a child that connects the two of you! If ever that happens, I just have to let go because I have no choice. I can't win..." I was crying. Everything I've bottled up inside since I found out the truth about him came rushing towards the surface.
He held me close, trying to calm me down. "What assurance do you need from me?"
"Anything! Tell me where do I stand. Who am I to you?"
"You should be able to answer that." he said.
"Why don't you just answer my question?"
"I can't say anything as of now..."
Great. Exactly what I want to hear. He can't tell me yet where I stand, or what am I in his life. He saw the pained look in my eyes, "You're important to me. You're one of my top priorities, you know that. You feel that in my efforts, didn't you?"
"Yeah..." I quipped.
"It's just my child that you can't accept and I want to give my child a parent. I wanna be a responsible father to him because I know what it's like to grew up without a father and I know you do too, right?"
"Yeah..." I quipped again, mechanically.
"His mother has left him already. It's like she just gave birth to him and bam, she's gone. That's why I wanna take custody. I don't want him to grow up without a parent." I feel the weight of the responsibility thrust upon his shoulders and I give him credit for being man enough to take charge.
But still.."Why did you two broke up?"
"Money. Also, I'm not serious at that time. I had another girlfriend while I'm still in a relationship with her. She's holding me too tight. I don't like that. She's so into me already and I can't breathe." he explained.
God, I can't believe what I'm hearing. Those are my same exact words before whenever I got tired of my current boyfriend.
"I don't want us fighting. I'm tired of it." he continued, "If the baby is gonna cause us problem then you have to think about things carefully. When I take custody of the child, my attention will mostly be his...like 80% of my time and attention.."
Another sharp stab of pain. "So I get to have the 20%.."
"There should be no competition between you and the child. He's the most important thing to me..."
"What about me?" I know my questions were getting irrational.
"You're different. You'll still be a priority. What type of assurance do you want? We could live together. I can marry you." he said.
It sounded unbelievably good in my ears but I know he's just saying that for the sake of keeping me. Woman's gut, if you'll ask me.
"You know I can't do that right now." I simply said. "Oh and another thing, why is it that when I'm mad at you you always ask me, 'what do you want to happen now?'.. It's like you wanted me to say, I give up, I'm breaking up with you.."
"Like I said, I don't like fighting over petty things. Either you like me or not, stay with me or leave-"
"And you know what hurts?" I interjected, "You told me it'll hurt you to lose me but now it's like you wouldn't even give a damn! I told you I can accept it, just give me time! You don't know it but sometimes when a girl tells you, 'I'm leaving you', it really means 'Please do something to stop me. Please show me you don't want me to walk away just like that!" I was crying again. Damn, the pain is raw and it's tearing me to pieces.
This time, he hugged me. "Don't cry."
I want to stop crying but I can't. It's all too heavy in my chest. The fact that he can't tell me where I stand added infection to the wound that's aching inside me. No assurance. The living together or getting married scheme is not an assurance. It's merely hypothetical to pacify me.

I am unsure. I'm still wallowing in a pool of doubt and the water's not getting any clearer.

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 7:14 AM