Hypothetical Pain

04-23-2009 Thursday

"I'm telling you, he could be playing around so you better leave him while you can. While you two are just starting out so the pain wouldn't be that much and it wouldn't be that hard letting go..." Those words are in the back of my mind as I rode the jeep on my way to work. My colleague/good friend Raymond told me that when I was asking for some friendly advice about my situation with Mac. So much for some friendly advice huh. I've said on my previous post that most of my friends don't approve him so this isn't something new anyway.

While on the jeep, I couldn't wait to reach the office to tell Raymond that he's wrong. It's never too early. It's not based on how long we've had the relationship, it's the emotions that I've invested for Mac that will be the basis of how badly I'll get hurt. We've been together for not even a month but when we've had another fight earlier, I almost decided to call it quits. Guess what, the pain is almost unbearable. So is it too late to let him go? I guess it has been too late the moment I found myself falling for him. There's really no other choice for me but to move forward and risk everything because in spite of my doubts, I'm happy with him.

The reason why I was mad at him is because he didn't send me a single message yesterday to let me know if he's going to pick me up or not. I gave up my Globe number and brought the Smart sim with me just so we could text while I'm on my way to work. I was disappointed, worried and mad. Disappointed because I haven't heard from him eventhough I know he has sufficient funds on his phone, worried because he told me he's sick and of course mad because I feel neglected..again. He sent me a message earlier tonight telling me that his aunt borrowed his phone, he's bedridden, blah-blah-blah. Sounds familiar? Yeah, he already did the no-show status before. I found it hard to believe in him. There's the nagging feeling again. How will I trust him completely when I have this weird feeling inside me that something's still not right? IS it just me?

The other reason why I was mad is because I felt a change in him. Before when I raised hell at him for his no-show, he apologized, begged and pleaded for me to understand him and not be angry. Now, he's another person. He asked me why is it so hard for me to understand him when I'm completely aware that he's sick. Why am I nagging him. Why am I not believing his explanation. I was hurt. He's not like that before. He couldn't even say the word 'sorry, I'll make it up to you' which is something he said before. I know I nag a lot but I have a reason to. I waited for him all night and I waited in the rain that afternoon, hoping he'll come and pick me up. To my dismay, he even asked me why I waited when I damn well know that he couldn't make it. Dammit, he told me he'll pick me up so how was I to know?

That's when I decided to just let him go before he could hurt me any further. I waited for his response. I half-expected him to just say 'Yeah, we're through! If that's what you want!'. He just said that I'm making a big deal out of unimportant things.
'You've changed. You're not who I thought you are..' I typed on my cellphone.
His response: 'Nothing's changed! I've been like this! Ask my friends'
'I don't need anyone else's opinion, that's what I feel.'
Him: 'There's a lot you want from me.'
'I'm letting you go, Mac. You're free. You're not gonna miss me anyway since you don't love me as much as I love you.' I felt my eyes water when I typed those words.
Him: 'Will that make you happy?'
'Do I sound happy? You're leaving me with no choice.' I know I'm turning red because of the way the man sitting on the jeep across me, stare.
Him: 'What's your problem! You're complicating things!'
'Things that can turn out okay if you'll just apologize.'
Him: 'Yeah, it's always my fault.'
'I make mistakes too. A lot. This time, if your pride is greater than your so-called love for me, I'm done.'
Him: 'What's wrong with you?!'
'You take care okay? Take care of your child. I'm gonna miss you like hell. I don't know what I'll be without you but I can figure it out somehow..' my farewell words. God, tears were already falling and I'm on a fucking jeep!
Him: 'You're not serious are you?'
I ignored his message, 'I told myself that I'm not gonna fall for you hard so that when it's time to let you go, it's not gonna be that painful. But I can't help it. Please get well soon. It's been nice knowing you. I don't have regrets. Thank you for everything.' And I tucked my cellphone away, covering my eyes with my hanky as the jeep continued to make it's way along the busy streets of Fairview.

We didn't broke up. He didn't let me broke up with him. He finally said the words I've been waiting for. He finally swallowed his pride, apologized, told me he don't wanna lose me, and all the sweet nothings. I'm weak when it comes to that. Or maybe stupid enough to believe in him. But what choice do I have? I better continue what we have but I have to try to be less obsessed with him. I have to act like it's fine with me if we don't regularly see each other or if he don't communicate with me that much, eventhough on the inside, it's already killing me. It wouldn't be that hard, I could be a drama queen, I fake pretty well. Yet, my acting skills are still gonna be put to the test.

What happened yesterday made me think hypothetically. Say we broke up for real. I imagined a hypothetical pain but I realized I don't need to imagine. The pain is real. My entire being was shaken at how strong the pain hit me. How was he able to create such impact on my life? Did I do the same thing with his? Maybe not.

Now, I'm more scared than ever. If he ever leave me, it's like a piece of me is ripped away. I will feel hollow on the inside. Empty. Broken. It is like falling helplessly on a bottomless pit. My life is completely changed so how will I able to start over? What will I do with the pieces that he left me with? That is if there's anything left at all.

I used to say to my friends whose hearts are broken that moving on is as easy as counting numbers and that there's no use for them to cry over such worthless break-ups. I should've known that I don't know what I'm saying. Moving on is not THAT easy. The worse thing is, the more attached you are to that person, the harder it is and the longer it's gonna take for you to forget. Being too attached is also not something you can control. You can deny it but it's inevitable when you've learned how to really love someone without asking for anything in return. Unconditional love according to some and I just realized that it's correct. True love is being unselfish. It's about choosing the other person's happiness over your own. It's about setting someone free no matter how much you wanted them to stay. It's about letting go no matter how bad it hurts if that's what it takes to make them happy. It's about taking a risk even though you're unsure of where you stand. It's about fighting for that person and feeling that it's worth it even if you lose the fight. Because in the end, even if you lose, just having the strength to fight for what you feel is what counts at the end of the day.

Jesus..I think I also just realized how hurt Mario was when he set me free and I know it's more than a month too late to say 'sorry'.

But still..

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 7:09 PM