SUMMER F-U-N!

04-26-2009 Sunday

Fuck sleep. I was without a sleep for more than 24 hours today and I'm still awake after I came home from the summer getaway I've had with my best circle of friends, the 'Alponsky'. We got our name from our founder, Alpon which I believe have been included in one of my post already.

We went to Grotto Vista Resort in Bulacan. We spent the entire day swimming in the pool, making fun of each other, goofing around, and smashing each others faces just so we could get a nice shot in the camera. We're all crazy for pictures and I have proof right here:


(Hmm, those shades aren't mine..)

I also learned to swim better because I can finally reach the 6 ft mark in the pool without drowning! Haha! Thanks to my friends who taught me eventhough one of them keeps on throwing me into the deepest part of the pool then leave me there and challenge me to swim back to them.

We also played games in the water. We turned ourselves into a long 'train' as we swim around the pool in a line and some kids even joined our 'train' game. We took turns in the slide and my friends dared each other to slide with only their briefs on. Hmph, these are the times that I'm a boy like them! We push each other in the water, we ran around, they danced while someone sang in the karaoke machine and we even had a few drinks until an officer from the resort confiscated our booze. Of course alcoholic drinks are not allowed inside but we managed to sneak two big bottles of brandy. Too bad they still caught us while we're already drinking.

We went home at around 7 in the evening. Good thing they dropped me off at my house so I don't have to walk. I had a lot of fun. I was happy I made the right decision to go with them. I almost gave them up for Mac because I want him to come with us. He said he can't but he doesn't have the money. I don't want to lend him anymore. I'm afraid he might get used to it. I know it's not healthy to think that way but I just keep my options open for negative things. I'm glad I had the best friends in the world. I didn't regret going with them. I didn't even miss Mac, or even think about him. Matter of fact I specially enjoyed one of my guy friend's company. The one who taught me how to swim better by throwing me in the depths of the water. He never left me anyway. He just stood there within my reach, ready to rescue me in case I drown myself due to stupidity.

I was a tired, sunburned, sleepless freak right now so I have to hit the sack. Oh before I go, here's more photos of F.U.N: Goodnight, everyone.


(L-R: Dan Mark, ME!!, Archie and Alvin)


(All up and ready!!)


(God, my stomach looks disgusting! haha!)


(Crashing the karaoke machine!!)


(I'm there! Faaaar but still there!!)


(My best boys! Boys are better friends than girls! No drama, no make-up! Raw and devil-may-care attitudes. Rawr!)


(Fun, fun, fun..)


(Wet and goofy!)



MORE PHOTOS on my Facebook account:

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 5:22 AM 0 Comments

Hypothetical Pain

04-23-2009 Thursday

"I'm telling you, he could be playing around so you better leave him while you can. While you two are just starting out so the pain wouldn't be that much and it wouldn't be that hard letting go..." Those words are in the back of my mind as I rode the jeep on my way to work. My colleague/good friend Raymond told me that when I was asking for some friendly advice about my situation with Mac. So much for some friendly advice huh. I've said on my previous post that most of my friends don't approve him so this isn't something new anyway.

While on the jeep, I couldn't wait to reach the office to tell Raymond that he's wrong. It's never too early. It's not based on how long we've had the relationship, it's the emotions that I've invested for Mac that will be the basis of how badly I'll get hurt. We've been together for not even a month but when we've had another fight earlier, I almost decided to call it quits. Guess what, the pain is almost unbearable. So is it too late to let him go? I guess it has been too late the moment I found myself falling for him. There's really no other choice for me but to move forward and risk everything because in spite of my doubts, I'm happy with him.

The reason why I was mad at him is because he didn't send me a single message yesterday to let me know if he's going to pick me up or not. I gave up my Globe number and brought the Smart sim with me just so we could text while I'm on my way to work. I was disappointed, worried and mad. Disappointed because I haven't heard from him eventhough I know he has sufficient funds on his phone, worried because he told me he's sick and of course mad because I feel neglected..again. He sent me a message earlier tonight telling me that his aunt borrowed his phone, he's bedridden, blah-blah-blah. Sounds familiar? Yeah, he already did the no-show status before. I found it hard to believe in him. There's the nagging feeling again. How will I trust him completely when I have this weird feeling inside me that something's still not right? IS it just me?

The other reason why I was mad is because I felt a change in him. Before when I raised hell at him for his no-show, he apologized, begged and pleaded for me to understand him and not be angry. Now, he's another person. He asked me why is it so hard for me to understand him when I'm completely aware that he's sick. Why am I nagging him. Why am I not believing his explanation. I was hurt. He's not like that before. He couldn't even say the word 'sorry, I'll make it up to you' which is something he said before. I know I nag a lot but I have a reason to. I waited for him all night and I waited in the rain that afternoon, hoping he'll come and pick me up. To my dismay, he even asked me why I waited when I damn well know that he couldn't make it. Dammit, he told me he'll pick me up so how was I to know?

That's when I decided to just let him go before he could hurt me any further. I waited for his response. I half-expected him to just say 'Yeah, we're through! If that's what you want!'. He just said that I'm making a big deal out of unimportant things.
'You've changed. You're not who I thought you are..' I typed on my cellphone.
His response: 'Nothing's changed! I've been like this! Ask my friends'
'I don't need anyone else's opinion, that's what I feel.'
Him: 'There's a lot you want from me.'
'I'm letting you go, Mac. You're free. You're not gonna miss me anyway since you don't love me as much as I love you.' I felt my eyes water when I typed those words.
Him: 'Will that make you happy?'
'Do I sound happy? You're leaving me with no choice.' I know I'm turning red because of the way the man sitting on the jeep across me, stare.
Him: 'What's your problem! You're complicating things!'
'Things that can turn out okay if you'll just apologize.'
Him: 'Yeah, it's always my fault.'
'I make mistakes too. A lot. This time, if your pride is greater than your so-called love for me, I'm done.'
Him: 'What's wrong with you?!'
'You take care okay? Take care of your child. I'm gonna miss you like hell. I don't know what I'll be without you but I can figure it out somehow..' my farewell words. God, tears were already falling and I'm on a fucking jeep!
Him: 'You're not serious are you?'
I ignored his message, 'I told myself that I'm not gonna fall for you hard so that when it's time to let you go, it's not gonna be that painful. But I can't help it. Please get well soon. It's been nice knowing you. I don't have regrets. Thank you for everything.' And I tucked my cellphone away, covering my eyes with my hanky as the jeep continued to make it's way along the busy streets of Fairview.

We didn't broke up. He didn't let me broke up with him. He finally said the words I've been waiting for. He finally swallowed his pride, apologized, told me he don't wanna lose me, and all the sweet nothings. I'm weak when it comes to that. Or maybe stupid enough to believe in him. But what choice do I have? I better continue what we have but I have to try to be less obsessed with him. I have to act like it's fine with me if we don't regularly see each other or if he don't communicate with me that much, eventhough on the inside, it's already killing me. It wouldn't be that hard, I could be a drama queen, I fake pretty well. Yet, my acting skills are still gonna be put to the test.

What happened yesterday made me think hypothetically. Say we broke up for real. I imagined a hypothetical pain but I realized I don't need to imagine. The pain is real. My entire being was shaken at how strong the pain hit me. How was he able to create such impact on my life? Did I do the same thing with his? Maybe not.

Now, I'm more scared than ever. If he ever leave me, it's like a piece of me is ripped away. I will feel hollow on the inside. Empty. Broken. It is like falling helplessly on a bottomless pit. My life is completely changed so how will I able to start over? What will I do with the pieces that he left me with? That is if there's anything left at all.

I used to say to my friends whose hearts are broken that moving on is as easy as counting numbers and that there's no use for them to cry over such worthless break-ups. I should've known that I don't know what I'm saying. Moving on is not THAT easy. The worse thing is, the more attached you are to that person, the harder it is and the longer it's gonna take for you to forget. Being too attached is also not something you can control. You can deny it but it's inevitable when you've learned how to really love someone without asking for anything in return. Unconditional love according to some and I just realized that it's correct. True love is being unselfish. It's about choosing the other person's happiness over your own. It's about setting someone free no matter how much you wanted them to stay. It's about letting go no matter how bad it hurts if that's what it takes to make them happy. It's about taking a risk even though you're unsure of where you stand. It's about fighting for that person and feeling that it's worth it even if you lose the fight. Because in the end, even if you lose, just having the strength to fight for what you feel is what counts at the end of the day.

Jesus..I think I also just realized how hurt Mario was when he set me free and I know it's more than a month too late to say 'sorry'.

But still..

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 7:09 PM 2 Comments

Hello and Goodbye

04-22-2009 Wednesday

Yeah, just a quick post and I'm off to work a few hours from now. Geez, is it really Wednesday already? Time flies faster when you're having a good goddamn vacation. Sigh. To make things slightly worse, I don't have any approved leaves for this week. Another sigh. I'm gonna work for 11 hours for 4 days this week. The usual crap, you know.

I don't have any choice anyway, do I? I still need this job. I got a pretty good amount of money because of my commission last month so I'm looking forward for this month's incentive that I'm gonna get. I'm sure as hell that I'm gonna get loads of cash since my stats are pretty good. Now I gotta keep the sales coming and I'm in good shape for the coming end of month pay-out. Hmm, I need to schedule tons of drinking schedules and gigs.

Ooh that reminds me, PULP Summer Slam is just around the corner. It will be next week! I filed a leave for April 30, screw them if they're not gonna approve it, man, they have to! I have to get wasted! Who's with me?!





That's it for now, I have to cook my food, eat, take a bath, get ready and I have to be in the office fully prepared to do intense sales talk to some Americans who will dare call me tonight. Haha.

I'm gonna need some of it:

Or I'll be snoozing...

God, I hope not.

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 3:12 AM 0 Comments

A Step Closer

04-21-2009 Tuesday

Shoot, it's only 8:25pm but I'm already sleepy..

Yesterday, Mac and I were supposed to go to my colleague's condo for a night swimming but since he's been busy during the day, by the time he was home, he was a bit tired and I was a bit mad at him for I already gave my word to my colleague and we're supposed to have left hours ago. We had a petty fight about it and I almost went to my colleague without him but when he said that I should not go and we should just meet, I had to do it. Simply because I don't know how to say no to him, I've missed him and I think we need to talk before things get out of hand.

We don't have any place to go nor any plans last night aside from the swimming so he ended up calling up Kuya Joey and we all ended up to his house again. That would instantly mean a drinking session.

Jun-Jun, Mac's other cousin joined us again. We were on our usual spots again just like the last time we were there. I was sprawled on the large couch, nearest to Kuya Joey's videoke, holding the mic and song book again. Kuya Joey was sitting across Mac and Jun-Jun who sat beside each other on the long mono bloc chair.

I was way beyond the word 'drunk' last night but I remember some highlights. I remember getting mad at Mac for being indulged in transferring video scandals from Kuya Joey's computer to his cellphone. I hate boys for that. Why is it that when they talk about porn, they seem to have a world of their own? That's what happened and the three of them seem to have forgotten that they have a girl with them! Me! I was disappointed so before their testosterone's soar higher, I went outside to smoke and get some air. Mac followed me and talked me into getting back inside. Get back inside and watch them watch porn in their phones? Hell no. Kuya Joey went outside and told me that he already switched off his computer and that they're done with the scandal shit.

I went back inside only to find Mac and Jun-Jun watching one of the scandals on their cellphone. Mac noticed that the girl looked like one of his exes and he was furious. I don't know how to react but I saw the disappointment in his eyes and the way he cursed the girl, I know that he is damn affected about it. That almost made me cry. I was like, if it's in the past, why'd you have to be so damn affected about it? Is it because your goddamn ego is hurt? Is it because the girl you thought was a saint turns out to be a whore who poses in the camera while getting fucked? Fuck them both. Fuck whores and fuck your damn ego.

Kuya Joey was able to calm me down and said that there's no reason for me to get hurt over that. He said that once Mac is no longer drunk, he's sure that he'll explain things to me. Right. That's if he can even remember half of what happened.

The final straw was when Mac almost fell asleep on me again. When I saw him sleeping on the long chair, I threw a goddamn fit and cried. Kuya Joey and Jun-Jun we're alarmed. I couldn't help it. He said earlier that he will not get drunk and he will not fall asleep on me so we can talk. Damn, I believed in him again! What I hate about him is that when he sleep and I try to wake him up, he's mad as hell at me.

They brought him to Kuya Joey's room and I followed. They left us there and turned off the lights. I lay beside him, crying. He hugged me to prove that he's awake. I was sobbing in his chest while he gently combed my hair with his hand. Things couldn't get more perfect than that so I snuggled closer to him, hugged him back and we both fell asleep.

I woke up in his arms at around 5 in the morning. His handsome face was looking back at me, smiling. Jesus, I can imagine giving up everything just to see that face with those eyes every morning when I wake up for the rest of my life.

Then, we talked. He said that he's just mad last night because of how things are turning out for him. I asked him what the problem is. He said that I don't need to know since it doesn't involve me. 'Try me', I challenged him. With the faraway look he had on his eyes, I instantly knew that it's about his son. I was right. He said that the mother went back to Manila yesterday but she didn't brought his son with him. They had an agreement that the next time she went to Manila, she'll bring their son so he can take custody. Surprisingly, the pain I felt was not for myself but for him. He said that he missed his son so much and I saw the fondness in his eyes as he told me that the last time he called, the grandmother of his son told him that the baby is already holding the utensils and sipping on the glass of milk when he's being fed. Mac proudly said that his son is a smart 6 month old baby and that he calls him 'Da-da'. He also told me that yesterday when we're at the bakery while waiting for the rain to stop, he wanted to cry when he saw the woman holding a baby. I remembered that. I noticed the glassy look he had when he stared at the baby holding a small piece of bread while on his mother's arms. I don't know how to comfort him so I just hugged him. I felt the sincerity of his love for his child alone and I can say that I'm already a step closer in accepting them both. I love him. His son is a part of him. I have to accept every part of him to be able to love him completely. I was surprised when he smiled and told me that he wanted me to be the mommy for his son. Mommy. I felt a surge of pride with the way he said it so when he asked me if that's fine with me, I answered a breathless 'yes'. I don't know what else to say. I'm suddenly excited to see his son. I know that it's the only thing that will complete him, and I want his life to be complete, the way he has completed mine.

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 5:06 AM 0 Comments

LIE

04-18-2009 Saturday

I haven't come up with a decision yet since I don't wanna judge him by what my friends are telling me. I simply plan to have them meet him personally. Maybe that will change their minds about him. We'll see.

In the meantime, I've been surfing Myspace lately and I found Kat Taylor and her band Saydie's profile. That reminds me how hooked I am with the band's music and with Kat Taylor herself. Damn, this girl's got a drugged look in her pretty eyes and you wouldn't believe that a pixie-like girl like her can scream like hell.

(The drugged look...)





Whatever happened to her after a long hiatus? I've heard rumors that she flew to the US because she was pregnant. Well, whatever the reason is, I'm glad she's back. Guys, gotta check out her dreads, they're something.


I also remember one of Saydie's song that I really liked which is the song that I can seriously relate to right now.

Here's the lyrics:




**Yeah. Wouldn't it be simple if we all just LIE?

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 7:51 PM 0 Comments

Friends vs lover

04-16-2009 Thursday

I can't believe that after shedding a river of tears the last time we talked, it's like nothing happened when we met earlier. We're still a happy pair, talking and laughing.

I also can't believe that I'm already taking a risk. I'm letting myself fall for him completely which is something I didn't plan when he was still courting me. I promised myself that I'm gonna have reservations for myself to avoid getting hurt like hell.

The truth is I can no longer help myself. I've fallen for him real hard that I'm already considering to take his bait of the 'living together' crap. If things we're as easy as that, I'll be living my own happily ever after but things just don't always go your way. There are a lot of things to
consider: my religion, my family, my responsibility, his responsibility. I still believe in marriage. Fuck, he made me believe in marriage again.

I'm torn between a lot of things as well. My intuitions, his words, and other people's advices. I've always listened to myself, do what I want to do which eventually led me to either humiliation or further trouble. Lessons learned so now I take some time to listen to what others have to say. Others who actually care about me and who has always been there. I don't know if I've been listening too much because my intuitions and doubts are fueled by what they have to say about him and our situation. I don't know what to believe in anymore.

We were on our usual hang-out in Nova Stop a few hours ago and even-though I'm already here at work, I can still see the pained look in his eyes when he said he feels that I don't trust him enough. I was surprised because I think I'm finally seeing right through him. I told him that he scares me because I see myself in him. We're the kind who easily finds someone else, we don't like being held too tight and I don't know but I think I might be holding him too tight right now. Its like everything seemed to happen a bit too fast for both of us so how can he be so sure. He again asked me what kind of assurance do I need. He said the 'marriage' shit again and I had to tell him that I feel like he's saying it to make me stop blabbering not because he want to. He had the serious look in his eyes again as he told me that I just don't trust him enough. He said that when he's serious a relationship lasts for him and all I could say was 'so you're serious with me?'. He gave me a smoldering look, 'doesn't it show? are you blind?'. That gave me the creeps..the good kind.

What am I supposed to do now? I can't leave him. I don't want to.
Here are the possible choices for me.
1. Take a risk by completely believing in him, holding on and falling deeper for him which could result to unimaginable pain if things don't work out.
2. Give just 50% of my emotions and keep the rest for myself so if things don't work out, it wouldn't hurt that bad.
3. Mingle with other guys so that my feelings are not all his? (Note:Remember mr. Airhead? He's up to something again...)
Sigh... Whether I admit it or not, I'm already devouring the #1 option.

What more can I say? I'm so into him. I'm fascinated with the way his lazy brown eyes glisten whenever he tells an interesting story. I like it when he gave me a bored or irritated look whenever I mess his usually unruly hair. Like I said before, I can't get enough of him. I simply CAN'T.

4:53am

If I have a cigarette for every friend who will tell me not to pursue my relationship with him, I'll have lung cancer by now.

I just ate at the pantry and spoke with a friend/colleague about him. She's way older than me and being old means she's mature enough plus, I trust her judgment. Imagine my surprise when she said that I deserve someone better. She was able to read my blog entries about him and she said that he's not worth it. That I'm gonna find someone better or I need to find someone better.

What now? Most of of my friends are saying no. I guess I need to introduce him to them? Maybe he'll leave a good impression that'll prove them wrong? I don't want their judgment to affect us but I know that they just care about me. They wouldn't just say that if they don't right?

If there's one thing I hate the most, it's when people tell me what to do. However, these aren't just random people, these people are my friends. I keep a small circle of friends. Those I know I can really trust and count on. Those are just advices anyway, it's still up to me to take it or not but still, it's as confusing as hell.

Hold on? Let go? Elope? Nah.

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 7:20 AM 2 Comments

Beer, Cigarettes and Meaningless conversations

04/14/2009-04/15/2009
Tuesday-Wednesday

Well, not entirely meaningless.

Wednesday: It's 05:54pm, I have one of the worse hangover, my head is throbbing as well as my eyes due to lack of sleep. Shit, guess I'm not getting any sleep today since I still have to go to work later.

I won't bore you with the details of how I became a total psycho last night when I was drunk so let me just share the conversations I've had. Err, conversations that I remembered when I was still somewhat sober.

I'll start with the one I've had with a good friend of mine, Alpon.
Tuesday 6:15pm:

"So, pusa, what is it that you wanna tell me?" (PUSA is what my close friends call me, by the way..)
"Pon, I guess I've found my karma..."
He smiled, "Really now..." he knows about my exes.
"Yeah. Remember my boyfriend that I was telling you about?"
"Uh-huh.."
I held my breath.."Well, you see.. He told me something.."
"About??"
"What I should know." I tried to keep my voice straight.
"What is it?"
I don't know how to say the words without feeling a sharp stab of pain in my gut so I remained quiet.
He got the gist of it so he just guessed, "He has another girl?"
I shook my head.
"He's married before?"
Silence.
"He has a child?"
Bingo. "Yeah."
He waited for me to explain.
"I don't know how to accept the child, Pon! What scares me is that his past might come back anytime because there is something alive that connects the two of them!" I blurted out. Damn it felt good to tell it to someone. "It would be easier if it has happened years before but no! We're talking about a few months here! The baby is not even a year old, Pon...."
He pondered what I just said. "That's a tough one. You have to know where you stand. You have to be open to some possibilities. Negative possibilities."
"I know! I can't leave him because I told him I won't and besides I can't! It's just hard and scary.. that's all.."
"You have a reason to feel that way. Why did they broke up? You have to know. If it's just some misunderstanding then a reconciliation could be possible because of the child. If it's a third party, who betrayed who?"
"I want to talk with him about it, it's just that we haven't got the chance... Uhh tonight, hopefully." I checked on my cellphone to see if there's any message from him. None.
"Yeah. You two should talk. Pusa, I don't want you to get hurt but if worse comes to worse...you know you can always come here and we can make sure he doesn't live another day." he joked.
I laughed at that.



Wednesday 3:40am

Kuya Joey, my Mac's cousin is a jolly fella who entertained us throughout our drinking session and as we finished the last of the beers we have, I had a surprisingly serious talk with him. I'm surprised, simply because he's the type of guy who jokes about everything and anything you tell him.I just need someone to talk to since Mac is already asleep on the couch and he seemed to have forgotten the 'talk' that we're supposed to have or he's just simply drunk and tired.

"Kuya Joey can I ask you something?" I said seriously.
He stared at me for awhile, "Sure.." Good thing he's in the mood for some serious talk.
"You love your baby girl don't you?" I asked, picking up the pack of cigarettes in front of us and retrieved a stick.
"'Course I do. Why'd you ask?" he seemed taken aback by my question.
I shrugged. "Where's the mother?" I continued ignoring his question.
"She's a bitch and we're no longer together." he answered honestly, gulping the remaining beer on his glass.
"Do you still have feelings for her?"
He shook his head. "A lot of girls has already came my way after her and it has happened years ago. My girl is almost 6 years old now."
"So you love your daughter but not the mother of your daughter?" I lit my cigarette.
"Yes."
I frowned. "Is that possible?"
"Yeah. You may not know it since you're still young but being a parent is one of the greatest thing you'll ever experience. You can love the child and nothing else."
"You said you've had girlfriends after you broke up with the mom of your child right? How did they accept the child?"
He was silent for a few seconds. "Some of them was able to accept it, some can't. I chose my child over those who can't accept her."
I felt the sick feeling in my stomach. Mac will definitely choose the child over me if I can't accept them both. I didn't say anything. I just took a long drag on my cigarette while staring at the poster of a small kid sitting beside a lion that's on the wall behind Kuya Joey. "It's okay for you because it has happened a few years ago..." I finally managed to say.
"Maybe...but still..."
"You're situation is different. How will I know where I stand. It's hard being a girl. We always lose the fight simply because we have a lot to lose." I said.
"If you think that us guys don't have anything to lose then you're wrong." he sounded so sure of that.
I crossed my eyebrows, "Yeah right."
"No seriously. You don't know it but we also have something to lose."
"Fine. If you say so. You're older, you know better."
He smiled, "Damn right I do."
"But again, please tell me. Give me an assurance." I took a deep breath, "Is it really possible to love your child but NOT the ex?"
He looked straight into my eyes, "Yes, it is."



Wednesday 8:12am

The much awaited 'talk'.

"I just want assurance from you. This situation is scaring me to death. I'm scared to get hurt. Scared of everything.." I kept on saying to him over and over.
He seemed irritated by my redundancy. "You're scared because you can't accept my child and you don't trust me."
"The reason why I'm having a hard time accepting that fact is because it has been a few months only! Know what I mean? I told a close friend about it and he said that I'm on the losing side! What if the past comes back? What if she come back? You have a child that connects the two of you! If ever that happens, I just have to let go because I have no choice. I can't win..." I was crying. Everything I've bottled up inside since I found out the truth about him came rushing towards the surface.
He held me close, trying to calm me down. "What assurance do you need from me?"
"Anything! Tell me where do I stand. Who am I to you?"
"You should be able to answer that." he said.
"Why don't you just answer my question?"
"I can't say anything as of now..."
Great. Exactly what I want to hear. He can't tell me yet where I stand, or what am I in his life. He saw the pained look in my eyes, "You're important to me. You're one of my top priorities, you know that. You feel that in my efforts, didn't you?"
"Yeah..." I quipped.
"It's just my child that you can't accept and I want to give my child a parent. I wanna be a responsible father to him because I know what it's like to grew up without a father and I know you do too, right?"
"Yeah..." I quipped again, mechanically.
"His mother has left him already. It's like she just gave birth to him and bam, she's gone. That's why I wanna take custody. I don't want him to grow up without a parent." I feel the weight of the responsibility thrust upon his shoulders and I give him credit for being man enough to take charge.
But still.."Why did you two broke up?"
"Money. Also, I'm not serious at that time. I had another girlfriend while I'm still in a relationship with her. She's holding me too tight. I don't like that. She's so into me already and I can't breathe." he explained.
God, I can't believe what I'm hearing. Those are my same exact words before whenever I got tired of my current boyfriend.
"I don't want us fighting. I'm tired of it." he continued, "If the baby is gonna cause us problem then you have to think about things carefully. When I take custody of the child, my attention will mostly be his...like 80% of my time and attention.."
Another sharp stab of pain. "So I get to have the 20%.."
"There should be no competition between you and the child. He's the most important thing to me..."
"What about me?" I know my questions were getting irrational.
"You're different. You'll still be a priority. What type of assurance do you want? We could live together. I can marry you." he said.
It sounded unbelievably good in my ears but I know he's just saying that for the sake of keeping me. Woman's gut, if you'll ask me.
"You know I can't do that right now." I simply said. "Oh and another thing, why is it that when I'm mad at you you always ask me, 'what do you want to happen now?'.. It's like you wanted me to say, I give up, I'm breaking up with you.."
"Like I said, I don't like fighting over petty things. Either you like me or not, stay with me or leave-"
"And you know what hurts?" I interjected, "You told me it'll hurt you to lose me but now it's like you wouldn't even give a damn! I told you I can accept it, just give me time! You don't know it but sometimes when a girl tells you, 'I'm leaving you', it really means 'Please do something to stop me. Please show me you don't want me to walk away just like that!" I was crying again. Damn, the pain is raw and it's tearing me to pieces.
This time, he hugged me. "Don't cry."
I want to stop crying but I can't. It's all too heavy in my chest. The fact that he can't tell me where I stand added infection to the wound that's aching inside me. No assurance. The living together or getting married scheme is not an assurance. It's merely hypothetical to pacify me.

I am unsure. I'm still wallowing in a pool of doubt and the water's not getting any clearer.

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 7:14 AM 0 Comments

I'm getting more paranoid..

04-13-2009 Monday

And it shows. And I know that it's starting to get on his nerves. As scared as I am, I really can't help it. I'm simply making things complicated but damn it, you all should know by now that 'complicated' is my middle name.

This is how I look at it; I'm just preparing myself for the worst. Life has always been tricky on me so let's just say that I'm having a smooth sail at life right now that's why life can throw a curve ball at me anytime. I've lived long enough and experienced enough to know that things can go downright wrong when you least expect it so it's still better to be on the lookout at all times.

You can also say that I believe in karma and with everything I've done in the past with my exes, I'm surprised that karma hasn't come my way yet to make me pay. Though I know it's gonna come soon. Hell, I've never been this afraid. I can say that I'm prepared to get hurt but once I'm in pain, it's still gonna suck so bad. The inevitable truth is that we can never be prepared enough. That's just how it is. That's how life plays us, shuffles us like unsteady deck of cards, soaring and tumbling wildly into the abyss.

I still don't know how to handle the fact that he has a child. Moreover, we're still not yet having a serious conversation about it because one: we can't find the right place (do you seriously think that a crowded mall full of noisy cunts is a right place?) and two: I want a bottle of beer in my hand as a witness.

I have a lot of questions to ask him. Questions I've kept inside since he told me the truth. Questions that are crucial in our relationship. I want assurance from him too. I don't want anything to change between us. Most importantly, I want to stop hurting and I want to accept his child. I want to be able to look at the picture of the baby without thinking about his ex. I want to think that the baby is his alone. Like he miraculously gave birth to it.

He loves his child. I know that. I see it in his eyes whenever he talk about him. I'm stupid enough to be hurt when I think about that. Of course, it's his child how could he NOT love his own flesh and blood? I guess what's painful is to think the possibility that he might still have feelings for the mother of his child. Yes, paranoia at it's worst. But could that be possible? To love your child but NOT the other person who made it as well? Can someone answer me honestly?? How can the past be separated from the present when a living baby is connecting both worlds? Am I that crazy to ask those questions??

We need to talk. It can't wait any longer because the longer I wait, the more fucked up I'm becoming...and obviously, it shows.



**Oh btw, this one's taken earlier when we're at the mall.. Sigh, what a sweet, irresistible face.

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 1:17 AM 0 Comments

Tears and Fears

03-12-2009 Sunday

3:23am

On the surface, I'm calmly sitting in front of the computer at work, waiting for a call, and occasionally sipping my much needed coffee.
On the inside, I'm falling blindly on a bottomless pit, hearing his words over and over, seeing the baby, imagining his past, crying and screaming all my suppressed emotions.

One of my colleague told me that I'm overreacting about the whole thing but I guess I'm too fucked up for anyone to understand. I'm insecure, I'm an attention whore, I know what I want and I make sure I get it, I want what's mine to be all mine. I know it's all in the past but I'm scared to death that his past will make it's way to the present because of what's connecting them. It's a past that happened not too long ago, for Christ's sake! We're talking a few months here! Not even a year! Now tell me I have no reason to be paranoid!

I do trust him but I'm hurting for a number of reasons. Reasons that I made to inflict pain on myself, if you'll ask my aforementioned colleague. One, like I said, I'm scared to death. Two, he's planning to take custody of his son (not that I'm gonna tell him not to because I don't have any right to tell him what to do..). Three, it may not affect us now but I have a feeling that it might affect us someday. Four, I don't know how to accept the kid because I feel like I'm gonna see the image of the mother and it's driving me insane to even think about how they used to be. That's how paranoid I can get.

Like I said on my previous post, this is the first time I found myself in this situation so I don't know how to handle things. I guess I needed a solid assurance from him. I guess I needed to start acting mature about this. I need to accept every part of him if I want him to stay, if I want our relationship to last (God, I'm hoping it will..).

I don't know what's making it so hard. My colleague told me that he's been on the same situation before and it's totally fine with him. He reminded that had it been me who has bore a child out of wedlock, I would of course want my boyfriend to accept me and the child. Bulls eye. Putting yourself in someone else's shoe can definitely help you understand them better. But I guess in my case, understanding isn't closely related to acceptance.

This is not making any sense. I'm completely aware that I'm not being reasonable. I want to stop feeling like this. I want to stop hurting. I feel this heavy burden in my chest and I want to cry it all out. Bawl like what I did before when I lost my Seifer. Maybe that'll help me feel better. Maybe it's similar to when you lost someone you're first in the state of denial, then grieving, before you're able to accept what happened. Yeah, I guess that's it! Let's see, it's the weekend, it's my day-off later... Bring on the beers to bring out the tears! Did I just say something as stupid as that? God, I'm screwed....

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 6:12 AM 0 Comments

Drowning in the blackhole

04-11-2009 Saturday

02:25am

I'm already at work, typing this shit while listening to some random American nag me over the phone. Surprisingly, I'm not understanding any word this bitch is saying because my mind is completely elsewhere.

"That's my son.." the words kept on ringing inside my head and I seriously think I'm gonna go insane. That can't be true. He's 20 years old. Yeah I know it's common with teenagers these days but why him of all people?! I mean, I've had boyfriends over 23 years of age but none of them is a father already. I've never been into this situation before so this is as shocking as it is painful. He told me the story. The baby is not even a year old! So lemme see, it has been 5 or 6 months only!? God.

He said the baby is in the custody of his ex's mother but he sends money every now and then. Great, 20 years old with a responsibility badge glistening on his sleeve. What more can I ask for?

"I accept you.." I've told him earlier. "..but you can't expect me to accept the child.."
"You don't accept the entire me, then.." he said bitterly.
"I do! I accept every part of you, but not that.."
"He's a part of me."
'Shit.' I thought. 'How stupid of me..' I ran out of words. What he's saying is a fact, and every word is a bullet shot directly to my entire being.

I can just say that it don't bother me but I'll be lying. It bothered me! The fact that he has a son who will always remind him of his past, sort of like what connects him to 'her' and that's what kills me. Oh and another thing, he said he's considering of taking custody of the child once he turns 1. Uhh, yeah. Him, mini-he, me, lalala three's a company.

I'm gonna say it; I HATE KIDS. I'd take care of a bunch of cats and dogs rather than babysit a kid. Noooo way. I don't even plan on having a baby in the future. Noooo way. I don't see myself being a mom. God, no. That's part of the reason why I'm having a hard time accepting the child. Another reason is that if he took custody of the child, I feel like I'll be sharing his time and attention with his son. Call me a selfish motherfucking bitch who gets jealous over a kid but I just want what's mine, if you know what I mean.

I'm not gonna leave him. That's not what this is about. This is about me hurting and trying my best to think of how I can accept that truth. His past. This is about me drowning slowly on a blackhole I created myself. How unbelievably pathetic.

I'm still crazy about him. It didn't change my feelings for him. I'm just...not ready for this. If there's one thing I really appreciated, it is the fact that I'm finally starting to see right through him. I've never seen him that serious since I've known him so I'll give him the credit for being so damn sincere. I saw the look of concern in his eyes. Concern for his son, for me, for our relationship.

I won't lose him. I don't know why I have to be in this situation but maybe..just maybe it's a wake-up call for me to grow up and take life more seriously.

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 6:11 AM 0 Comments

Blackholes and Revelations (thank you, MUSE)

04-10-2009 Friday

It took me awhile to update my blog since I've been busy with work, sleep, booze, and of course my recent obsession most commonly known as my 'mac' so I guess I owe everyone a brief rerun on what happened to me these past few days ever since April began.

Here goes:
**01-06-2009 Monday

He introduced me to his friends. I had the chance to hang-out with them over a few bottles of beer. Yes, getting drunk has become my recent hobby..again. I don't remember much since I was getting less sober as the night went on. The few things I remember are his soft brown eyes, his warm embrace, his sweet kiss...God, I'm so full of him, I want him so bad I can't get enough.

**01-07-2009 Tuesday

This time, he introduced me to his cousin, a jolly guy who made me laugh my ass off once we're all too drunk to even remember where we were. This is what I need. This is my breakaway from the stress and pressure at work. It feels so damn good just getting drunk, in his arms, having fun. Yeah, it was fun...while it lasted.



***Now back to this day, this night rather, before I went to work. He dropped the bomb. He finally told me what I need to know.

Before y'all get confused, I'll explain further.

Ever heard someone say that a woman's gut or intuition is accurate most of the time?

Well, that's so damn true. You see, I have this feeling that he's keeping something from me. There is something important that he's not telling me and it has been driving me crazy lately because I think that I deserve to know. It all started when I was checking out the music files on his cellphone. Being the curious cat that I am, I browsed the pictures as well. That's when I saw a picture of a baby boy who looked a lot like him and I knew it can't be his baby picture because it was taken a few months ago. He saw me holding his cellphone and grabbed it, telling me that there's nothing there that would interest me. I pretended that I didn't see anything and just laughed it off.

Since then, I kept on bugging him to browse the pictures on his phone to which he always refuse, telling me that there's something that I don't need to see. That made me more determined than ever to know what is it he's keeping from me. I asked him if it's related to his past, he said yes. So it's part of his past, what's the big deal, right? Still, he wouldn't budge. He just told me that it's some pictures of his exes that he kept for keepsake memories. Pfft, lame excuse. I decided to wait impatiently for the right time when I can force the truth right out of his mouth.

The truth did come out. Eventhough I was half-expecting the words he's gonna say, the reality still hit me brutally hard...Not to mention brutally painful. When he said he's ready to tell me the truth, he had this serious look in his eyes and he said that once I find out the truth, he's hoping that I won't leave him. I gave him the assurance and with my knees going weak, I waited for his next words.

"What did you saw on my phone?"he asked.
"Uhh..." I pretended to be thinking hard to remember. "Some photos.."
"Of??"
"Why don't you just tell me!" I insisted.
He held my gaze, "I'm going to tell you. First tell me what you saw."
"Your old photos.."
"And?"
"And...a picture of a baby.." I said,nonchalantly.
He sighed. He seemed to be collecting his thoughts.
I didn't say anything. I let the silence fill the space between us.
He broke the silence with the words that ripped my soul apart, "That's my son."

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 6:06 AM 0 Comments

Perfect Pair

03-31-2009 Tuesday

LSS (last song syndrome, you idiot): Kabilugan ng Buwan by DRIP.
Current mood: On top of everything else


My 'jolly' look.


The 'reason' for the 'jolly' look.


This is what I call a small piece of happiness:

And this:


gives me all the more reason to fancy him.

I want to write more about him but I'm totally drained lately, what's with the new longer hours at work and all, so I guess pictures can make up for my lack of words.

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 6:47 PM 0 Comments