And so February ended..(some thoughts)
02-28-2009 Saturday
It was a hell of a month, that's for sure. Glad I survived it again.
Work is still as crazy and unpredictable as it always has been. Stress, headache, goals, stats to maintain, sleepless mornings, coffee overdose just to name a few.
I know that if you'll compare me to other people around my age, my life is pretty boring. Graveyard shift, devoid of social life, day-off spent at home in front of my pc. Those are the things a normal 20 year-old will avoid like a plague. Sometimes, I miss my life before I started working. Staying out all night, gigs, booze, bands and all those things that'll make you feel wasted in the morning. Though I feel better now to be honest. I feel healthier. I am earning money and I'm able to spend it wisely. I don't have time to go out and drink till I pass out which is good. I have a healthy lifestyle now than before.
I don't think I'm going to trade all this boring stuff that surrounds me everyday just to get back to my old habits. I'm done with all of that. I prefer to live longer, you know. Being good can make you feel good.
Before, I was a wild rebel teenager or whatever you want to call it. I dyed my hair, pierced my ears more than once, smoked Black Bat cigarettes, drank countless bottles of beer and even tried snorting pot. I'm the damned. I used to think that being a bad bad girl will make me look tougher than other chicks but I've proved myself wrong. If you can make yourself be a better person, then you are one hell of a toughie.
Lately, I notice that teenagers nowadays are trying hard to be considered cool. They listen to loud music because they think it's rock and roll, they wear fitted jeans, chuck taylor and studded belts not knowing that they look like gay morons, they curse, they try to be outrageously wild unaware that they're wasting the opportunities being thrown at their feet. Opportunities like being able to study college which is something I never got the chance to do because of financial problems. I hate students who hate college and think that getting a job is cooler. Well, youngsters, better think twice.
Life is not always about whether you fit in or not. It's not always about the word 'cool'. It's about finding yourself and realizing that it's not how long you live but rather, it's about the lives you've touched, people you've changed, including yourself and the simple things that made it worthwhile.
How's that for your ego?
02-18-2009 Wednesday
I am so glad I made the right choice when I decided to stay with my current boyfriend. Happy as we're trying to make the relationship work. Happy that he's no longer bothering my thoughts. And most importantly, happy because I found out what kind of egoistic jerk he is before it's too late.
I am so turned off. For real. He's so fucking full of himself. Eventhough, sometimes I know he's just kidding, the mocking smile on his face tells me otherwise. Sure he's got the looks, the voice (sigh) and all that but those are merely physical attributes. In time, even the high school hearthrob will look like a wrinkled tree trunk that's why I don't really go for overly handsome guys. Screw them. They're good while they lasted. Ha-ha.
I spend my days at work mingling with my wonderful teammates. I don't even bother look his way or make an effort to have small talks with him. Sometimes, he still joins us during our lunchbreak and I just let him. If he talk, I'll talk. He ask me a question, I gave a brief response.
The more I'm around him, the more I realize what an airhead he is and I have to repeat this: I am SO turned off. It's like I should feel lucky that he hangs out with me. Whenever we're having a conversation, there's something about his demeanor that says 'Oh yeah I'm a hot and goodlooking guy and you know that'. I also realize how different we are from each other. We're poles apart.
Here's how: Years of experience has humbled me, molded me into a silent fighter. I don't just talk to brag. I talk when I have an opinion to share. I talk when needed. Other than that, writing is still option one. I also don't think of myself as the prettiest thing alive. I NEVER brag about my looks. Ever. I even adore other girls who are prettier. Instead of thinking that my friends are lucky to have me, I think that I'm lucky to have them. All of those traits that I have, he's completely the opposite. Or maybe I'm judging him too soon.
Nah. Boys who flirt with other girls inspite of being in a relationship are bigtime losers. They are also insecure because they're not satisfied with their girl's affection so they beg someone else's attention. They think they look better when they have more chicks wrapped around their arms. That won't work for me. Flirting with different girls doesn't make you more of a man. It is is a shrewd way of exposing yourself as an insecure bastard.
Mr. Airhead can flirt to all the girls at the office, but he can spare me.
My new hobby? Letting him stare all he want but that's all he can do. I'm done with my obsession.
The result? So far so good.
Back to regular programming
02-13-2009 Friday
Or rather, back to taking calls. The CSM training is over so yeah, we're back to our boring lives. At least we have each other through thick and thin. Sigh, I really love my teammates now.
See?
A picture of a happy team.
These people are amazing. Different traits, different passions, different goals but putting those aside, we are all the same when we're at work. We relate to each other. We all wish that there'll be less calls for a certain day. We all know how to handle an irate or stupid american caller. We all have funny stories to share about our calls. We all know that being a call center agent is not as easy as other people think.
These people are my family when I leave my family at home and the more I spend time with them, the more I fall in love with them. I admire these people. I admire their strength and commitment to our job. I like the way they find ways to entertain ourselves inspite of the heavy burden known as 'calls'. I like the sound of our laughters on the floor, on the hallways, even at the elevator. I don't know how I'll manage to survive this kind of job without these amazing people around me.
This day I commend my teammates, my manager included of course, for a job well done. This isn't only about our work goal as a team, but also for being the strong people that I love and admire.
New Start
02-07-2009 Saturday
I'm all about new beginnings today. I'm starting anew. Starting all over again. If you have the chance to right the wrongs you've made, why not take the opportunity and at least try to make yourself a better person? Pretty poetic huh?
Well, I just realized that I've been selfish for awhile now and I think it's time for some attitude makeover. Time to make someone else happy instead of always thinking of myself.
I've asked my boyfriend for another chance to work our relationship out. We've been together for almost a year and we've both invested time and emotions that it'll all be wasted if I let myself fall for someone else. And besides, he has always been kind and understanding and I owe him a lot.
Earlier today, we went to Market Market in Taguig for the final meet-up with the seller of the Japanese Spitz. On the way there, we remained silent and elusive to each other. I dont know where to begin. I don't know how to apologize. My mind can't make up the right words.
We were sitting like two cold statues of misery when the seller finally arrived with the fluffy white puppy in her arms. That's all it took to change our mood. We started talking and laughing as he carried the puppy. The seller gave me the certificate of vaccination and I handed her the money. She really is a sweet young lady with a pleasant smile and I thanked her for her time, shook her hand for the last time and off we went.
On the way home, we were talking to each other again as if nothing happened. As if he didn't discover that I'm liking someone else. As if he didn't curse me on IM. Nothing else mattered but us and the new companion that I just bought. I never thought that a cute little puppy can bridge a gap between two people who lost each other's trust.
That's when I decided to give ourselves another chance to make our relationship work. We didn't get the chance to talk because the puppy is already tired and obviously thirsty so i have to hurry home.
When I got home, I texted him and shared my thoughts about our relationship. He agreed and the pact was made. One more chance. The last chance to hold on to what we have and keep what we've had. The last chance to also prove myself that I can be a better person for him.
Like I said, it's all about new beginnings. It really does feel good to do good. Mark my word on that.
Oh yeah, here's Damien, my new baby:
All together now: "Aww.."
Debating with yourself doesn't mean you'll win..
02-06-2009 Friday
For the past few days I have been debating with myself on whether I'll completely stay away from that someone or continue to play along with him. It ain't easy. My mind is telling me something different, my close friends are telling me something else, not to mention my feelings is also another story.
I should've known it's going to be this complicated. I should've stayed away from him from the very beginning. We shouldn't be friends. Not when I get all tingly and excited whenever I hear his voice or catch him staring at me. It's all my fault. Just because I'm bored with my current relationship doesn't mean I can flirt around and be like a cheap whore. As I've said before, I'm not like that.
I clearly remember the very first time I started to notice him. You wouldn't believe that it took me a year and a half before he caught my attention considering the fact that he's been there all along (I was hired just two weeks after he did). As far as I can recall, it was when I was talking to one of my close friend in the office about relationships and shit like that. He was sitting beside my friend and he's slightly eavesdropping. We knew that because he would quip something and eventually joined the conversation. I was telling my friend that I'm slightly bored with my current relationship and all that blah blah blah then he was like, "so you're looking for a new boyfriend?", and I said, "not really. I think I just miss being single.." and my friend said to me, "well, you could give him a try!" she was referring to him and I gasped, "no!" then we all giggled. That's it. How can that one laidback conversation change a lot of things in my head? F.u.c.k I have no clue either.
Since then, I sometimes caught him staring at me but hell maybe I'm wrong. He's always wearing this thick black shades so I dunno. I also remembered when I was talking to my manager in her station. Her cellphone suddenly rang and she shouted to 'him', "Hey! What the heck?!". He just laughed and I can't help but think that he's trying to get my attention, so again I dunno. Also, there's also a time when I feel like he's taking my picture using his cellphone but then again, I dunno!! Fuck boys. Boys are im-fucking-possible.
Boys have the tendency to make you feel like they're interested in you, but in the end, you're the one to blame because you let them lead you on. Shitty as it may sound but I know a lot of girls can testify to that awful fact.
Let's just put it this way: I'm fond of him. Infatuated, maybe. I get nervous whenever he's around, I feel like I'll be out of breath whenever he calls my name, I blush when our eyes met, I feel like a fucking high school chick who's starting to develop a crush on the high school jock. So not me! Shit.
I know myself better than anyone else. I know for a fact that one wrong move or decision could make me fall completely for that bastard. That's one of the reasons why I tell myself to back off before it's too late. However, there's a part of me that wants to get to know him more. There's a part of me that is so damn happy when he joins us for lunch, when he texts me, when he's just near that I can just look at him. Well I guess it's all just infatuation.
I should just listen to most of my friends who's telling me to just play along if I want to but falling for him is a no-no because he's just obviously playing around. He's in a serious relationship with someone and so am I. He's way out of my league and for some reason, I am out of his as well so what's the point in playing this charades? Why play with fire when in the end I will get burned? Why risk being hurt? For the sake of my own ego? Nah.
I have to decide soon. Every minute I waste could mean a shitload of pain for me. Yes, I'm in deep shit indeed.
