I suck at relationships
02-01-2009 Sunday
I am fully aware of the fact that I'm hurting you and most importantly, we both know that you're not the first guy that I've hurted this bad. I'm terribly sorry. I seriously think that I need a shrink to get my head cleared and get my sanity intact. I can't find the right words to explain myself eventhough I still think that I don't owe anyone any explanation. Not even you. Maybe it's because I'm thinking that you should know me better now.
Perhaps, I'm still a hard case to crack and I don't blame you for not understanding why I suck so bad at relationships. It's not your fault that you can't change me. It's not even your fault that you have loved me so deeply yet all I gave you in return is having a change of heart. After everything that we've been through, the good, the bad, the fun and the sad, you may not believe it but it pains me to be like this and I even hated myself for it. Trust me, I do despise myself for behaving this way.
I often ask myself, 'what the fuck is wrong?'. I look at the mirror every now and then and I'm like, 'am I a slut?' but then again, the boyish chick looking back at me is far from being a slut. I never flirt. Never. I look at boys as cool friends who don't give a damn whether they look sweaty or their hair is messy or other things that girly girls will surely make a big deal out of those. In conclusion, I am not a slut. That's not me. Just look at the way I dress and act. It'll make your younger brother look so gay.
Now, we're back to the first question. What the fuck is wrong with me? Is it because I grew up without a father that I crave so much for a fatherly image? Is it because I've always been the tough chick in the family that I've become so hard no one can soften me up? Is it because of all the shits I've been through that I grew up to be dominant and overpowering? I guess I need someone more dominant. Someone to overpower me. Someone who'll make me feel that I'm still a vulnerable girl inside inspite of my stone-cold facade. I used to think that you're that someone.
Please don't get me wrong. I did love you. I did felt something before. I was serious when I considered marriage. It's just that, as we progress, I feel that I'm still more dominant. You always do what I say. You always let me win an arguement. You always take the blame. I know you're just doing those things to please me but I feel the other way around. I feel that you're scared of me. Scared that I'll get mad at you. Scared that I'll find another if you don't do what I tell you to do. I get bored with that, sorry.
Then there's this guy whom I'm quite fond of and there's something that I have to tell you: I'm already bored before I noticed him. He's not the reason why I got bored with our relationship. Way before we started texting, you've noticed that I easily get mad at you. You know that. When we chatted before and I told you that I think we should not see each other for awhile, I'm not liking someone else at that time. I'm just simply turned off by you always doing what I say. I know you love me but I don't like it that your world seemed to just revolve on me. You've held me too tight and I want to get out of your grip and be on my own.
I am willing to accept all your accusations. All the hurtful words and curses. I deserved them. I'm not the perfect girlfriend. I know you're having a hard time understanding my side but I'm not asking for it. All I'm asking for is time. Give me this week to think about this. To search for my feelings. To come up with a decision. I know you're hurting and God knows that if I could just take that pain from you and own it, I'll definitely do so. You've been a good friend, a responsible lover and you've always been there. I wish I could just say the same for myself.
posted by Monica-Lynne @ 2:04 AM
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