Debating with yourself doesn't mean you'll win..
02-06-2009 Friday
For the past few days I have been debating with myself on whether I'll completely stay away from that someone or continue to play along with him. It ain't easy. My mind is telling me something different, my close friends are telling me something else, not to mention my feelings is also another story.
I should've known it's going to be this complicated. I should've stayed away from him from the very beginning. We shouldn't be friends. Not when I get all tingly and excited whenever I hear his voice or catch him staring at me. It's all my fault. Just because I'm bored with my current relationship doesn't mean I can flirt around and be like a cheap whore. As I've said before, I'm not like that.
I clearly remember the very first time I started to notice him. You wouldn't believe that it took me a year and a half before he caught my attention considering the fact that he's been there all along (I was hired just two weeks after he did). As far as I can recall, it was when I was talking to one of my close friend in the office about relationships and shit like that. He was sitting beside my friend and he's slightly eavesdropping. We knew that because he would quip something and eventually joined the conversation. I was telling my friend that I'm slightly bored with my current relationship and all that blah blah blah then he was like, "so you're looking for a new boyfriend?", and I said, "not really. I think I just miss being single.." and my friend said to me, "well, you could give him a try!" she was referring to him and I gasped, "no!" then we all giggled. That's it. How can that one laidback conversation change a lot of things in my head? F.u.c.k I have no clue either.
Since then, I sometimes caught him staring at me but hell maybe I'm wrong. He's always wearing this thick black shades so I dunno. I also remembered when I was talking to my manager in her station. Her cellphone suddenly rang and she shouted to 'him', "Hey! What the heck?!". He just laughed and I can't help but think that he's trying to get my attention, so again I dunno. Also, there's also a time when I feel like he's taking my picture using his cellphone but then again, I dunno!! Fuck boys. Boys are im-fucking-possible.
Boys have the tendency to make you feel like they're interested in you, but in the end, you're the one to blame because you let them lead you on. Shitty as it may sound but I know a lot of girls can testify to that awful fact.
Let's just put it this way: I'm fond of him. Infatuated, maybe. I get nervous whenever he's around, I feel like I'll be out of breath whenever he calls my name, I blush when our eyes met, I feel like a fucking high school chick who's starting to develop a crush on the high school jock. So not me! Shit.
I know myself better than anyone else. I know for a fact that one wrong move or decision could make me fall completely for that bastard. That's one of the reasons why I tell myself to back off before it's too late. However, there's a part of me that wants to get to know him more. There's a part of me that is so damn happy when he joins us for lunch, when he texts me, when he's just near that I can just look at him. Well I guess it's all just infatuation.
I should just listen to most of my friends who's telling me to just play along if I want to but falling for him is a no-no because he's just obviously playing around. He's in a serious relationship with someone and so am I. He's way out of my league and for some reason, I am out of his as well so what's the point in playing this charades? Why play with fire when in the end I will get burned? Why risk being hurt? For the sake of my own ego? Nah.
I have to decide soon. Every minute I waste could mean a shitload of pain for me. Yes, I'm in deep shit indeed.
posted by Monica-Lynne @ 11:45 PM
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