Fragments of Unwanted Memories

11-23-2009 Monday

If only I could put the words together in one coherent paragraph that will accurately define what I've been through for the past 4 days,the longest 4 days of my life, then I'd feel better to have these heavy thoughts released. Unfortunately, I still can't think of the right things to say. I've ran out of words. I've ran out of feelings to share. All I have right now are fragments of memories, vivid images that I wanted erased from my mind.

These are the things I wanted to share for now. These are disturbing pieces of what was left...

*I knew something was very wrong. The piercing gaze in her lifeless eyes, the repetition of nonsense words, the forgetfulness.. Matter of fact, everything was wrong. She's not who she used to be. My mother has become something else.

*I thought things wouldn't get worse. I was wrong. Psychotic, paranoid.. The endless noise, shouts, screams. The world continues to spin but I feel like everything's in standby, no movement, I'm stuck in a nightmare and I can't crawl back to an open space. I was drowning in an abyss.

--2nd day. My knees are weak. I have no sleep at all. I can't eat anything. I'm slowly dying inside. Slowly, painfully, while I listen to the screams of the woman that used to be my mother.

--"I'm so sorry for the trouble." and "Please help us."- My two most used sentences in the longest days of my life.

**I'm looking for comfort. I have my grandmother but I can see her falling to pieces as well. It must be painful to be her, I thought to myself. She's seeing her only daughter lose in touch with reality.

**I'm still looking for comfort. I hate Alex for choosing his work over me. Maybe money means a lot more than I do. Or maybe he doesn't wanna deal with someone who has a crazed woman for a mother.

--I need a hug. A long, warm, comforting hug. Damien, my loyal dog, gave it to me.

*The last day was the darkest. Shouting in the street, throwing a bottle of Gatorade at the gates of our church. The sound of broken glasses reverberated in my ears and I know that the sound of it will always mean a disturbance from then on.

--I can't take it anymore, I cursed her out loud, grabbed her hair and pulled hard. She screamed. I let the people around us handcuffed her. I cursed her again, louder, harder. I pulled her hair, kept on pulling until I realized I'm already releasing all the anger I have towards her. The blogs I've written, all the hate letters...On that last day of darkness, I hurted my own mother physically.

*Everything was madness, I'm surprised I'm still alive while writing this...There's more to come.

Labels: daughter, disturbance, hardship, mother, pain, pink crimson

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 4:13 AM