If guilt could kill.
01/02/2009 Friday
I woke up in the morning feeling less heavy inside. Is it because I'm starting to move on? In a way, I'm relieved but somehow I can't be all happy about it.
I don't want to forget my Seifer. I think I'm afraid to move on because I'm afraid that if I do, I'll forget about him. I still miss him. I still long to hold him in my arms and kiss his wet nose. I visit his grave in our backyard and I still weep silently, especially at night when it's dark and I'm alone. Melodramatic psycho, that's what I am.
Nothing really happened today. Well I wasn't expecting for something anyway. What did happen is my bestfriend's brother, Kuya Fed, visiting us and of course, he looked for Seifer. This is something that will take a while for me to get used to. To answer questions about Seifer. The familiar pain and longing always come to the surface whenever I talk about it. I really have no choice but to tell him what happened.
Kuya Fed and I talked and he lectured me on things-I-have-to-know about dogs. I listened quietly trying to hide the guilt and regret that's already building up inside me as we talked. He also told me that if only he has visited us last Sunday when Seifer is still suffering from the sickness, he'll be able to save our dog. He said he'll make Seifer puke to release the toxins on his body. Damn. I should've known that he's knowledgeable about dogs. I should've remembered that we've already talked about dogs before. Should HAVE. Stupid me for not remembering. Stupid me for being out last Sunday. How stupid.
I wanted him to stop talking about it but at the same time, I wanted to listen more so that I'll be informed about some things I should've known. He said that he'll give us a puppy once their puppy is old enough to be seperated from the mother. A new spark of hope flickered inside me. A new puppy. A new life. A new family member. I remembered that my gramma told me that she doesn't want another dog for a pet but if we'll be given another one, I think I can risk to try again. Though I know that no dog can ever replace our Seifer.
This day ended with a dark cloud of guilt hovered above my head. If only guilt is a physical thing, it'll be a rusty knife cutting across my chest, making me bleed to death.
Yeah, if only guilt could kill, I should be dead by now.
posted by Monica-Lynne @ 10:39 PM
Post a Comment