Misery keeps me Company
12/29/08-12-30-08
I remembered, just a few weeks ago, I was speaking with my colleague when I told her that I long to feel the pain of getting my heart broken because I haven't felt that for quite sometime now. She gave me this weird look and said, 'what do you like about the pain?'. I shrugged, 'I dunno. I think I just missed feeling it. It's been all too well for me when it comes to relationships and I broke a lot of hearts already so I think it's time to get my heart broken this time, for a change'. She shook her head with a knowing smile and the conversation ended there.
Now, a few weeks after that, here I am, suffering from a broken heart. Wow, so much for getting what you wished for. Though, this broken heart is different. Not the type of pain that you get from break-ups or getting dumped. This is a pain of losing a very dear family member. I've lost a very special friend, companion, loved one, and the source of joy in our household. He's been everything to me, to us, all rolled up in a fluffy fur. Yes, he is a dog. Our dog. I know that not a lot of people will understand you for crying over the death of your dog but those people who don't understand are bigtime idiots.
Seifer, our dog and my younger brother as I treat him since I'm the only child, died early this morning due to viral infections. Death is a horrible thing. It leaves the inevitable pain of denial and regret. Today is the hardest day for me, trying to cope with this pain, faking a smile while trying to sound okay at work.
Nothing will ever be the same at our house again. I could never look under my bed without missing his soft, brown furs spread out on the floor. I could never look at our doorway again without feeling a huge lump in my throat because of the absence of his leash tied on the doorknob. I could never walk outside again without people asking where that cute little dog is because I don't wanna talk about his death. I could never look at the fresh soil in our backyard which served as his grave without feeling sick in my stomach because I can't bear the thought of him, dead and decaying under. It's all too much for me to bear. I cried myself to sleep earlier, and when I dream, I dreamed about him and I cry again in my sleep.
Aside from denial, regret is killing me as well. I can't help but think that there's more I should've done for him to keep him alive eventhough my gramma said that we've done all we could. We even brought him to a vet which is not typical to us since we're concerned with the cost of it but it is Seifer, our baby that we're talking about here so I never had any second thoughts to spend a few bucks if that'll lengthen his life. I also regret being out yesterday when I should've just went straight at home after my work to spend time to tend my Seifer. If only I should've known that'll be his last weekend with us. I was so happy with the time I've spent with my friends yesterday that I should've been aware that being happy too much could change to sadness afterwards and that's where I am right now.
I'll definitely miss my Seifer. He's a bouncing fluffy ball of sunshine and boy, he does love to be around people. When we walk him out, he practically smiles and greets everyone with his wagging tail and twinkling hazel brown eyes. No amount of money can compare to the amount of joy he brings us everyday.
Now, I feel nothing but emptiness, I hear nothing but the ear-splitting silence at home. There is a huge void inside me that throbs in pain along with my heartbeat. It is terrible. I want to stay at home to sulk and drown myself in the loneliness yet at the same time, I don't want to because there's just too many things at home that reminds me of him. The bowl where we used to feed him. His leash with the blue collar and a little bell on it. The smell of him on our blankets. His teethmarks on our rubber slippers. The scratches he made on our walls. It's just all too much to bear. It's just too empty without him around.
I want to forget but at the same time I want to remember. When you're in pain, you tend to remember the good times and it hurts to remember. It's breaking me to pieces everytime I think of going home and there's no one who'll jump up and down, anxious to greet me and lick my face. The pain throbs severely in my veins because I can't imagine not being able to hug his small, warm and fluffy body, not being able to kiss his cold, wet nose, not being able to run with him like crazy during our afternoon walk, not being able to see his body literally become a fur ball when he takes a dump, not being able to see his bizaare but cute acts of craziness that has become the reason of unabashed laughter from us.
Another thing that hurts me is seeing my mother and especially my gramma grieve. They love him as much as I do and it's like we're three portraits of misery, trying to hold on to each other for support. Trying to find the strength to start over again. When we buried him, my gramma told me that she doesn't want another dog for a pet, and I silently agreed because we're both thinking the same thing. We've all grown fond of him that it takes a lot of emotional strength to let him go without losing our sanity. He died with all three of us around him, holding him. If there's one last thing I wished were all able to show him, it's the love that we've felt for him and how he changed our lives during a short period of time. He died with his eyes open due to the pain of the disease that he has experienced, but when we closed his eyes, he lie there on the ground, withered but a peaceful look of content is evident on his face.
It is the morning of the 30th of December now and I'm still writing this, pouring my beaten up heart all over. The pain is real, raw and every nerve endings on my body feels it. I'm tired of crying but I feel so vulnerable right now that tears will easily spill with just a mention of his name, with a whiff of his scent or with just a glance on his vibrant pictures on my computer. I can't believe it's only yesterday that I lost him because I feel like it's been a lifetime since yesterday and I'm missing him so damn much. I don't even know how to face the New Year celebration tomorrow. It's just not the same. It should've been his first New Year with us. 'Should've been', one of the painful things that you have to deal with for every loss. You'll always think of the things that should've been. Things that will remain a 'should've been' but will never be.
I'm pretty damn sure that this misery will keep me company a lot longer than I'll allow it to, but hell, I have no ways of avoiding it so, if you need to find me, I'm just right here..wallowing in my grief. The tears just won't stop falling. I know I have to let him go but I'm not ready yet. I'll let the sadness linger on for a little while and maybe..just maybe, when the time is right, I'll get out of this blackhole and start fighting again.
posted by Monica-Lynne @ 10:33 PM
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