No Happy Ending
12/31/2008 Wednesday:
I dumped work. Screw them.
I cried myself to sleep again yesterday so it didn't surprise me when I have a hard time opening my tired, puffy eyes in the morning. As much as I would not like to wake up and face the longing and pain for this day, I have to.
After attending the early morning worship service, my gramma and I headed straight home. When I opened the door, I have to again fight back the tears welling up in my eyes as I imagined our Seifer, wagging his furry tail and jumping up and down to greet us. It's just in my imagination. In reality, the house echoed in the unfamiliar silence that I'm not used to. Empty. Hollow. The painful void inside me began to eat me up again so I had to search for a distraction.
Good thing my gramma has to go to the flea market so I offered to join her. She bought fish for our cats, I bought a gallon of ice cream, hoping that the coldness of it will numb my insides.
Funny how once a year, there's a time when everyone's so damn busy with preparations and everyone has this stupid smile plastered across their faces, as if there is no such thing as famine and world economic crisis. It's cool, you see and I should be one of those morons who can't stop smiling and greeting everyone they bump into a happy new year. Well, I'll pass up on that. Count me out for now. I prefer grieving.
Once at home, I busied myself again with preparing graham's cake. Better make myself useful while mourning, right?
I know I'm getting pathetic but what's left for me to do? I'll tell you all a secret. I'm not as tough as I pretend to be on the outside. I'm not all rocks and stones. Matter of fact, I'm a fucking marshmallow and I cry easily. I just learned to pretend so that the bullies will leave me alone. Not only the type of bullies that tormented you during high school. The bullies of the real world, if you know what I mean.
Throughout the day, there is no hint of the sun above the skies. There's only huge cotton candy-like clouds and it's been drizzling. I can't help but think that the sky is mourning with me. Good. Cry with me. Trust me, it feels good somehow.
I waited for the New Year in my bed, curled up as I stared blankly at the TV. That's all I can do after eating some of the foods we've prepared. I can't find any reason to go out there and celebrate with our neighbors. Absolutely no reason. I know that I'll feel guilty once I celebrated because it's like I haven't lost my Seifer just 2 days ago so I think that it's too early to move on and be happy and I also know that what I'm thinking is bullshit. My grieving will not resurrect my Seifer back to us but then again as I've said, I prefer grieving and I haven't moved on yet. No. I'm still in pain, regret and denial, Those three feelings surround me like a big bag of crap tied to my chest and I know that it'll take a while before I can free myself.
The weird thing is that I don't wanna speed up the process of what I have to go through to finally face acceptance of what happened and move on from there. It's like I wanted this pain afterall. Did I ask for it? I dunno. Maybe.
Jesus. Sometimes I can't even figure myself out.
This is a no happy ending. I stared at the clock. The countdown for 2009 will end in a few seconds. I'm leaving 2008, but I still chose to carry the pain with me as a new year approaches. Pretty smart, huh?
posted by Monica-Lynne @ 10:35 PM
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