Pink Crimson

kl.kl.

2010-12-27T16:40:00.001-08:00

.....

Ask away

What music are you listening to today?

2010-12-24T04:25:00.001-08:00

Love of a Lifetime by Firehouse.. Considering it as a wedding song.. :)

Ask away

formspring.me

2010-11-07T15:47:00.001-08:00

Ask away http://formspring.me/pinkbomber

formspring.me

2010-11-07T15:20:00.001-08:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/pinkbomber

Would you rather be rich or famous?

2010-11-07T15:18:00.005-08:00

Rich. When I'm rich, being famous would follow

Ask me anything

Who's the most underrated athlete?

2010-11-07T15:18:00.003-08:00

I'm not into sports.

Ask me anything

Who was the best teacher you've ever had?

2010-11-07T15:18:00.001-08:00

He goes by the name "Experience".

Ask me anything

How would you describe your personality?

2010-11-07T15:16:00.001-08:00

I'ma floating happy furball~

Ask me anything

Dear Blogger

2010-10-07T21:53:00.000-07:00

10-07-2010 Thursday

You have been a faithful wailing wall to me, serving me for almost two years. It had been a great ride, I definitely enjoyed every minute of it. You are a friend, and always will be, remember that.

However, I regret to say this, but I think I found a new love. Tis' the site they call Tumblr. Nothing against you my dear Blogger but it's just that, I found Tumblr a bit more...convenient for me, with it's direct application to Facebook, where I'm mostly lounging around. Sure I found a way to link this blog to my Facebook but all it does is convert my post to the notepad which is, as you can tell, not very pleasing to the eye compared to what Tumblr does, Besides, in a way, Tumblr is reminiscent of Twitter, a site I've also learned to explore recently.

Dear old friend Blogger, I could still visit you once in awhile. We can sit back and remember the good old days of me blogging on your precious page. From now on, most of my time is gonna be consumed with Tumblr, a new friend. Please don't be mad at me. You know it's not gonna work out if I'm liking something else.

Thank you for letting me share the important details of my life here. Thank you for letting me be a part of your growing site. I've closed a chapter of my life in here and I decided to start up a new one with Tumblr. New life. New webpage. New blog. That's how I wanted it to be.

Maybe someday we'll be together again... But for now, goodbye sweet Blogger.

Yours Truly,

Monica

P.S. Go create an application for Facebook! For Christ's sake! It's the bomb!

The Summary

2010-10-05T16:37:00.000-07:00

10-01-2010 Friday

There's two reasons why I can't go all the way back to the last two months of my new life--1.) Unlike before, I don't have the time to sit down and type. 2.) Those are like spoiled vegetables, not as fresh as they once did.

I know it's a crazy logic but I write better when something 'just happened', like a headline on the news, which is always better if it's delivered early, while the story is still going on, or the accident has just come to an end. I like my posts that way too. Always up-to-date with what I'm doing, feeling or going through right at this moment. Sometimes I can still write about things from yesterday, but most of the time, I can't. It doesn't feel the same anymore unless, I remember exactly how I think when it happened, which is not always the case.

Afterall, feelings, thoughts and memories are like vegetables--in time, they spoil.

I decided to summarize what happened after I got out of the hospital. That way, I wouldn't have to bore anyone, including myself.

--A few days after I was discharged, I was forced to go to the office to adjust my leave. Thanks to my new manager who is not as responsible as my former, I have to travel all the way from my house in Caloocan to our office in Quezon City, in pain. It's only been a few days, the wound is bitching so bad. I have no choice though, there's no one to take care of it but me. Good thing was my colleagues/friends are all there on their shift and it turned out to be quick visit for me.

--Alex decided to stay with me. He moved out of Blumentritt and relocated to our house in Caloocan. I'm glad he did. I talked to Lesbo Bitch about Alex's decision to come with me, and the most surprising thing happened when we were about to leave, she cried. Well, sorry bitch, you gotta let him go, he's no longer your slave.

--I was able to see our friends in Manila the night that we moved out of our small room in the boarding house. They were surprised by our sudden decision to leave because I didn't tell them that I plan to leave after all is said and done. But of course, they're happy for us, and they congratulated us for our new life together.

I tried to hide my sadness while I was talking to them. I'm sure as hell gonna miss these people. It has been a tough life for me, living in the boarding house and having to take care of myself, but with all of them around me, I made it. I never thought, not in a million years, that this boarding house I so hated before, will end up being one of the closest and dearest thing to me.

--Trying to adjust to the changes hasn't been easy for me. I was at home most of the time, I can't go out and when I do, it's limited to the places near the house. Alex is doing his part. Even though he still doesn't have a job yet, he's trying to make money by helping out in his friend's motorcycle shop.

--The best news I can probably share is; finally, after many months of being a useless piece of crap, my mother finally got a job. Well, it's not really a job on a company or something. She works for my gramma's brother, uhhmmm that makes him her uncle-yeah yeah, at the furniture shop. It's not much really, and she still go home every night, yet, it's better than nothing.

This whole experience had been a bumpy ride; it's hard, I'm challenged emotionally of trying to cope in my fast chaging world, and I have a lot to learn... I know I'm just getting started. The best/worst? is yet to come.

The Day After

2010-10-04T17:45:00.000-07:00

09-30-2010 Thursday

Catching up is not easy, I'm beginning to realize that everytime I find a few minutes to sit down and write. What makes it hard is that I barely have time to do that. Things have changed a lot in a matter of days and I also have some catching up to do with these said changes. Just so you know, it still hasn't sink in yet, it is there alright but the truth isn't hitting straight to the gut where I should feel it's presence. Maybe it's too early for that...or maybe I was trying too hard to feel it..maybe it will come when I'm not expecting it.

Looking back on the recent posts I've made so far, I'm now debating if I'm gonna bore everyone with the details of my 2 days stay at the hospital or should I settle with sharing what was going on inside my head during those days. Both details are boring anyway, but you gotta understand I have to write something down, alright? I will choose the latter.

FLASHBACKS PART 3

08-12-2010 Thursday

I lie on my side in the hospital bed, still in pain while waiting for sleep to come. I wanted to ask for a stronger painkiller but when I tell the nurses how painful it is, they seem to not really care so I shut my mouth and when I'm not talking, my mind does the thinking. With all of the lights in the ward still on overnight, the nurses checking my vital signs every three hours or so, and the humid temperature in spite of the electric fans blowing from every corner of the big room (Yeah, I can't afford a private ward), I know it's gonna be impossible for me to sleep.

Alex sat beside the hospital bed. My gramma and mom left to rest for the night then come back tomorrow to bring me some decent food (the food on the hospital isn't bad but it's not terrific either) and some clothes to change into. I told him to get some rest but he said he's not sleepy, it looks like he doesn't plan on getting some sleep. O-kaay,

He went to the boarding house earlier to pick up some important stuff that we've forgotten when we rushed here yesterday, like my health card, socks (mom insisted I need a pair), extra cash, and cellphone chargers. When he came back, I asked him if our friends and neighbors were there, he said some of them were and he told them the news. Thinking of our friends in Manila made me sad. Since this is all over, I can now go home to gramma and I'm so happy to be back there but of course, I'll be missing those guys. Even though living on my own in Manila was tough and I get homesick often, those wonderful people helped me get through the rough times. I owe it to them, I wanted to see them, every one of them, before I move back home.

I looked at Alex who was busy recording the stupid sound in the hallway with his cellphone. It's a noise that sounded like the squeak of a basketball player's rubber shoes kissing the floor when they run in the court. He has this boyish smile on his face as he ran up to me and ask me to listen to what he has recorded. I gave him a pained look. He can kill boredom whatever way he wants to,and he looked engrossed in what he's doing to pass time that he didn't care if it made him look silly. Or, come to think of it, he might not be aware of what he looked like, anyway.

Then, I thought if the very last serious conversation we've had. He's gonna come with me? With my mom and gramma? He looked like he meant it but don't all people look like that when they wanna run away from something? In his case, he doesn't wanna be put to jail when I leave him. I think it's better for me to think of it that way rather than hope for us to be together for good.

This thing being over happened too soon. Why we were just talking about it yesterday morning after I got home from work and we haven't come up with a solid plan yet when things turned around only a few hours later.

This could mean goodbye for us. I wanted to talk to him about it, but it doesn't feel like the best time for it, besides, talking makes the pain more intense so I kept my mouth shut and waited for the morning to come.

In conclusion, my time in the hospital was spent thinking and waiting.

August Memoirs

2010-09-30T15:42:00.000-07:00

09-29-2010 Wednesday

Continuation..

FLASHBACKS PART 2
08-11-2010 Wednesday
Finally Over

1:40 pm

Everything was a blur. The faces of the people in white scrubs, the sick green color of the walls, the plastic curtain being closed after I was brought in. I knew I was stil awake but the pain was getting more intense as the minutes fly by. I don't know how much more I could take and I wonder if these people knew how painful it was because they don't look too alarmed..well, looking back with my head clear and all, I realized it's a hospital and those people in white has obvioualy seen way too many incident similar to mine (or worse than mine) so they've become used to it. I wished I felt the same.

"Hang on. Relax." the familiar face of my doctor greeted me when I was brought into one of the many rooms in the hospital. She was putting her surgical gloves on.

Relax?! I thought to myself. How the hell am I supposed to relax when I felt like a doll being ripped apart?

2:08 pm

It was over. I was half-asleep, hearing solemn voices around me but I can't understand what they were saying. I felt like I was drifting, floating in space.

They carried me to another room where I waited and waited.

I wanted to see Alex and my gramma, which reminds me, my gramma has to know that I'm in the hospital. When the next nurse came to my room to check my blood pressure, I asked her if Alex can see me in this room, she said, no, I can only be visited once I'm transferred to the ward. Talking was as painful as moving a muscle so I asked her very slowly if she could call Alex and tell him to inform my gramma as soon as he can.

The good nurse, bless her heart, did what I told her to. She came back to tell me that my gramma is on her way. I felt satisfied, and anxious. I can't wait to see her. Feeling spent,I tried to drift back to space but it was hard. Whatever it is that they gave me awhile ago to make me feel sleepy has already worn off. Even the anesthesia was gone. I went back to dealing with the pain, thankfully it is not as painful as it was hours before.

Different nurses kept on checking on me, everytime they do that, I kept on asking them when will I be transferred to the ward. Their generic answer was, "Later." Then I would ask how long, the only answer I got was, "We don't know for sure."

Just great. There's nothing to do but wait.

August Rundown

2010-09-29T21:49:00.000-07:00

09-28-2010 Tuesday

These are bits and pieces of the stuff I've prepared..

This is what happened while I was gone.

..and this is the part that changes everything.

FLASHBACKS PART 1

08-11-2010

Not Another Bad Case of Indigestion

10:47 am

I woke up, sweating, feeling the awful pain in my stomach, with my head feeling light and heavy at the same time. When I checked the time in my cellphone, I groaned loudly, I've only had three hours of sleep. Not a good time to wake up. I got out of bed to take a dump real quick so I can go back to sleep. After 10 minutes in the toilet, nothing came out, I felt the pain subside somehow. I went back to the room, lie down to bed and tried to go back to sleep. Only a few seconds has passed, the pain came back. I rushed to the bathroom..nothing. Back to the room, still painful. Bathroom, one dump. Room, the pain's getting stronger.

Alarmed, I grabbed my cellphone to text Alex. I also texted my colleague and Alpon to ask about my situation, they both said the same thing--I should go to the hospital, asap. This is really a bad case of indigestion. That's all. I don't want to think of the other possibility because it's too early for that, I thought glancing at the calendar hanging on the wall. Aug 11. Yep, this is not possible.

12:15 pm

When Alex opened the door, I was kneeling on the floor, twisting in pain. The cramp has gotten worse.

"You okay? What happened?" he asked, kneeling beside me.

"Not really.." I said through clenched teeth. I struggled to sit on the bed to show him the messages on my cellphone.

"So.. We need to go to the hospital?"

"I think so..."

Silly conversation between two people who knew nothing about what was going on.

We packed some clothes in a small bag and off we went. He hailed a cab, we got in, and then, it began. The excruciating travel from where we were staying in Manila to the hospital in Quezon City, where my doctor is. During that moment of my struggle against the pain I'm not really familiar with, all I could was hold on to Alex and wonder how am I gonna be able to survive it. I was close to fainting. I want to cry but it feels like it wouldn't do any good. I've been warned about how painful it's gonna be, but this is definitely worse than what I imagined.

......

Will Update?

2010-09-28T17:35:00.000-07:00

09-27-2010 Monday

Getting back on track in this blogging thing is not as easy as I thought it would be. I've forgotten one simple fact about myself. While I was not able to update, or write anything down, my mind goes on a hiatus and now that I desperately want to get on with my writing, there are cobwebs inside my brain that's keeping me from producing meaningful sentences. I wonder how long would I have to wait until my mind is completely working full time again...

But I badly needed to post something here. To keep it going. To record the highlights of my life. That's why even though I've mentioned that I don't intend on posting what I've previously prepared on my old notebook, I guess I have to post them to fill this lonely blog with words. In order to keep it going, in order for the few lovely people to, hopefully, keep reading...

Uhh. I have to find my notebook first.

Facing Reality

2010-09-25T17:46:00.000-07:00

09-25-2010 Saturday

Believe it or not, I'm still here, still alive and kicking some good-mannered ass lately. While I was gone, I wrote some stuff on my trusty old notebook from high school, which I can't believe I still have, and I plan to copy them on my computers notepad once this thing starts working again.

So finally, my computer is resurrected. The motherboard fucked up so I have to buy a new one, thanks to my brother -from-another-mother Raymond, who helped me out in replacing the motherboard. He knows a lot about these computer hardware thingies, while I, on the other hand, is a total dummy when it comes to this. Of course, I know the basics--some softwares, installations, I can name some parts of the computer (the mouse and keyboard for example) but don't rely on me about technical specifications of the computer's hardware. Those are alien to me.

I remember when Raymond would ask me like, "Is your video card the built-in one?" and I would give him a blank stare and all I could say was, "The what is built in to why, how, when?" Then, he would just roll his eyes at me, "Never mind".

Anyway, he did help me out in choosing the right motherboard to buy. To make a long story short, I'm back to the online world of social networking sites, blogging, and other what-have-yous! Hurrah!

Now, about this blog, well, I'm terribly upset when I look at the calendar and notice how many days have passed and how many posts I've missed. I haven't moved from the last post which felt like ages ago. I've been busy, for one. Two, without my computer, I'm not in the right mood to write about anything.

Oh yeah. I did mention about the stuff that I've written right? All's well prepared. I'm only just gonna type 'em here, copy then paste on my site. Easy as that. Piece of cake. However, as I read what I've written, I realized there's no sense in posting them anymore. I have shared what I've gone through to my dearly beloved friends, some of them, I know, takes the time to be patient in reading my blogs.

They know what I'm supposed to not tell until...maybe.. I don't know when. Until maybe when my father knows about it? Yeah, as if that's gonna happen...

When I told them about it, I prepared myself for them to be surprised, like the reaction of my colleagues, but I didn't expect it to be the other way around. I was the one surprised. They kinda knew about it. Kinda, sort of, something that crosses their minds. So I asked, how'd they get the idea? 'On your blog?' Mario answered.

Dang! I rest my case. I'm not good with words. I made it all too obvious. I should've stayed mum and maybe talk about how I look, why my hair feels dry, what dress to wear, or maybe post LOTS (and I mean LOTS) of 'me' pictures in different angles and so on--that's what most girls are crazy about doing in their blogs, right? NAH. Not me, in another lifetime, maybe...

I think there's no use for that old notebook, after all....

NO UPDATES

2010-08-24T02:45:00.000-07:00

08-24-2010 Tuesday

Hey, it has been awhile.. Remember me? Remember this site?

If you're patiently waiting for an update, I'm terribly sorry, but it looks like it's not gonna happen anytime soon.

A lot of things has happened since the last time I copied and pasted from my notepad to this blog. I wanted to update everyone so bad it's just that for one thing, my computer is busted right now, second, I'm back home with my gramma (!) where the nearest internet cafe is a good 5 minute walk from our house, and third, I'm currently not in my best physical fitness to walk around.

When the time is right, I'll come back with my surprising news. I've turned a new chapter in my life and it's something I'm more than excited to share...at the right time.

Let me rest in peace for now.

Yin-Yang

2010-08-14T19:18:00.000-07:00

08-09-2010 Monday

When light is the brightest, the shadow is the darkest..

YANG

Right before my shift ended earlier this morning, I received a message from Alpon saying that my housing loan has already been approved by Pag-Ibig (finally!) and that I need to meet up with the agent because she'll help me set up a checking account. I immediately replied, telling him I will find the time to meet up with her this Friday after my shift. He also reminded me to bring the partial payment for the miscellanous fee. Well, of course, now that I know I'm approved, I wouldn't hesitate to hand the money over.

Alpon wished me luck and he said I can text the agent if I have more questions. I didn't bother. I know she'll try to reach me anyway. I put my cellphone in my bag and walked home happily. I thought it's never gonna come to this. I've been waiting for that damn approval for months and I'm starting to get upset because it's taking too damn long compared to my colleague who got her approval in less than a month. I even came to a point when I wanted to retract the application and just reapply with another agent but they've told me that the reservation fee I've paid for is non-refundable. I almost gave up, I don't wanna worry about it when I already have a handful of things to take care of.

The agent texted me and said I should meet up with her this Friday so she can accompany me to Bulacan where I will sign some more documents, finalize the submission of all the necessary requirements and open a checking account. Looks like I'm looking forward to another hectic day on my supposed to be rest-day. Sigh. Well, I gotta take care of all this while I still can...

YIN

The church minister already knew about my case. Time to face the thing that I've been trying to run away from. I braved up and talked to him to know about what the decision is gonna be.

The deaconess who lives near our house accompanied me to the minister's office. She has set my expectations about the decision. I will be removed, regardless if Alex converts or not. That's why I need to talk to the minister directly.

Hearing the word 'removed' made me worry. I thought about my gramma. She'll be crushed if she finds out. That's all I'm thinking about as I entered the narrow office of our minister.

He was there in his chair when I came in. He gestured for me to take a seat, to which I obliged quietly. I didn't look down or anything, that would make me look too guilty. I kept my face calm, and steadied my gaze.

Sitting in the small airconditioned office, in the same chair where I sat beside Alex months before when I brought him here to listen to our preachings, I can't help but think how time flies so fast and how many things can happen over a short period of time.

He didn't scold me, didn't raise his voice, or didn't show any sign of disappointment towards me. He calmly explained how it's gonna work. I need to write a formal letter addressed to our executive minister, explaining the entire situation and ending it with what I intend to do about it. I asked him if I will be removed, he said the decision will depend on my letter and on my commitment.

The only thing that lessen my worry is when he told me that if I'll be removed, they will help me get back. If Alex doesn't want to convert and I choose to leave him, it'll only take them a month before I can go back. But, if Alex decides to convert, undergo the preachings and all, then I can go back after he converts.

I know this time is gonna come when I would have to decide. I can hide from it, but I can't completely run away from everything. Sooner or later, it will find it's way to find me. Well, here it is now, it found me. It's decision time, once again.

YIN AND YANG

One day. Two opposing forces. Something is out there, something that doesn't want me to be completely happy for one freaking day.

I need to talk this over with Alex. Dum-dum-dum.

Sunday at Work

2010-08-10T02:42:00.000-07:00

08-08-2010 Sunday

Working on a Sunday? Completely inhuman!

The outside of the office building looked anything but an office. I've been trying to forget what day is it today, hoping it would make me less bitter about having to go to work while everyone else is elsewhere probably getting some. However, the sight of ELJ building today screams 'It's Sunday!!'. There's not even a single soul outside the building unlike during weekdays when the narrow stairway up the building is filled with smoke inhaling individuals. Today, no one's around except for the trusty ELJ security guards.

Alex drove me to work, and when he stopped the motorcycle, he looked around and pointed out how empty the building is. I got off of the motorcycle, took a deep breath and was all like 'I know, it's Sunday remember I'm not supposed to be working!'. He smirked, I made a face.

Before I let him go, I blabbered non-stop about the stuff he can't afford to forget while I'm gone: My newly washed clothes hanging outside the boarding house, the food I left in the pot, his dirty laundry... I'm starting to sound like a mother nagging at his son for being irresponsible but heck, I don't want things to be messed up in our room while I'm gone. I need to go back home tomorrow when I get off from work. I need to get more things done.

When he left, I had doubts if he'll remember every reminder I told him. I'm in no mood to work today. I'm tired from washing my one week's worth of dirty clothes. Remember how I wished so bad that he did the laundry yesterday? Well, it didn't happen, the laundry bin is still about to explode. Not so surprising.

I feel lightheaded but it could be worse if I didn't get any sleep in the afternoon. Good thing I did. It rained the entire day. Alex didn't go anywhere, he stayed in the room with me and watched TV. I don't have much sleep last night, even during daytime.

We had a busy day yesterday, here's a quick rundown: He picked me up at Espana, I slept for 2 hours, woke up at 8:30, prepared breakfast for both of us, went to New World Laboratory, waited in line for 3 freaking hours, had an interesting lab test, then it was done and we waited for yet another hour for the result. We had lunch before going home, watched TV, I slept for one hour, then woke up again for my check-up at Chinese General Hospital.

To be fair with Alex, I'm glad he's with me the entire day. To me it looks like he's still trying to make it up to me, or maybe he's really starting to become a more responsible guy for me..whatever, I liked the way he's treating me recently. Oh and for the record, he picked me up from work for one straight week. I'm telling you, he sleeps like a log and he would never wake up as early as 4 in the morning even if his life depended on it. This is truly phenomenal. And I appreciate everything he's doing.

Even if he still ain't got no job yet, he frequently goes to the motorcycle shop of his friend to help out and earn some money, though it's not that much, I like the fact that he doesn't want to depend on me completely when it comes to our finances. That's a good sign now isn't it?

OK. I logged in at exactly 7:00. It is now 43 minutes after 9 and I still don't have a call. Alright, I think I'm gonna have to take back my words. Working on a Sunday isn't so bad if things are gonna go as smoothly as it is now. Ahh.. Getting paid while sitting down and blogging? Things couldn't get any better than this!

Short Weekend

2010-08-08T03:13:00.000-07:00

08-06-2010 Friday

Work had a little surprise for me when I logged in on my computer. Our schedule for next week is already posted and guess what, we'll only have one rest day for this week. Sweet. So we get off from work tomorrow, go to sleep at night, wake up the next day which is a Sunday then go to work again come night time.

I got two weeks. Two weeks is such a short time to take care of the things I need to do before I go on my long leave. Things have to be settled first, one of the most important probably is trying to find a place where we can all live together, Alex, gramma, me and my dear pets. I don't think we can all live in the house where we currently stay because it's very near our church and I know it wouldn't look good for everyone to see that Alex is living with us.

I've talked to my gramma earlier. I wanted to stay where we live right now and I know she does too but as much as we would like that, both of us know it's probably not gonna work. She said she'll try to look for some houses open to be rented around our area. I told her I'll also try to look for one in Manila then, we can decide where we can all stay. She asked me if Alex is willing to continue listening to our religion's preachings if he's gonna live with us and I told her yes even though I haven't ask Alex about it yet. I had a feeling it'll be easier to convince him now.

I've been thinking about all this as I stare blankly at my posted schedule on the computer monitor. My colleagues are talking about drinking after we get off from work later to make the most out of our one-day rest day. For a moment, I envy them. All they can think about is having fun, getting wasted, acting brainless for the short weekend while here I am, raking my brain on how I can fix my life in such a short period of time.

Short weekend=BAD

I wish Alex would pick me up tomorrow. Maybe I can sleep for an hour or two before going to New World Laboratory for some lab test, then afterwards, visit my doctor in Chinese General hospital. Just thinking about what's ahead of me tomorrow is making me feel tired already. From what I can envision, I'm not gonna have much sleep in the morning, I'd be too damn drained in the evening and chances are, I might skip a meal for being too busy.

Oh gasp! I'm forgetting one more thing. The laundry. When I left the house yesterday, the laundry bin is overflowing with used clothes and I kept on urging Alex to wash them before the damn bin explodes. He always says yes he'll do it for days now and I would always go home and find it still undone. With one rest day ahead, I know I wouldn't be able to do the laundry on my own. I'm hoping so bad it's all taken care of when I go home tomorrow but I'm not really counting on it.

Boys=Laundry? IMPOSSIBLE

Ok, I'm gonna have to take my first break for this day. On a positive note, with my new team, I have a good shift. I start at 7 in the evening, and go out at 4 in the morning. The best time ever! We have long wait time in between calls. And time flies with this kind of schedule. It makes things more bearable at work.

That's it, bye for now, gotta grab some coffee to stay alive.

To Believe or Not to Believe

2010-08-06T10:39:00.000-07:00

08-05-2010 Thursday

He said the words I've been wanting to hear...
Yes, he said it again..
If this is all a dream, then, please wake me not.
I'm in my little piece of paradise..

For the rest of the afternoon, I was deep into unconsciousness because of my anti-histamine medicine that I took in the morning after I got home from the worship service. I was dead tired, beaten up from work and from walking home (I didn't bother waking Alex up to pick me up from the church) and my damn allergy was attacking me non-stop. I was itching like a flea-infested dog, got red spots all over my body--all this nasty result of my skin asthma, and I knew I really need to have a dose of my medicine. In short, it was a bad morning.

I dropped by the drug store, which is across the street from where I live with Alex, on my way home to buy my prescription. I've had a long morning and I don't want my allergies bothering me while I'm trying to get some sleep. Besides, this anti-histamine works like magic in making me sleep like a baby.

I was awakened by a gentle tap on my back. I forced my eyes to open, something I wish I didn't do because it sent waves of pain in my head. I saw a blurred vision of Alex, freshly bathed, with droplets of water falling from his wet hair. He was waking me up because he needed to leave and finish his clearance at Bayview.

I got up to try and talk to him about his decision of staying with my family. I told him I'll be going home tomorrow when I get off from work and I wanna confirm his intentions so I can tell my gramma about our plans. Unfortunately, he was in a hurry. He said he already cooked the rice, all I have to do is just eat, reminded me not to fall asleep again and left the house.

Sighing, I went to the kitchen to check the food. Another canned goods heated on top of the rice. I have no complains about the food we're eating, but sometimes I missed eating real cooked food, the kind that my gramma cooks for me. I grabbed the pot, brought it in the room and began eating.

How I hate it when Alex tries to cook the rice. He never gets it right no matter how many times I've told him how much water he should put in. I appreciate his effort in preparing it for me, of course, it's just that I hate it when guys don't make the extra effort to learn more in the kitchen like the girls. It may be in their nature, oh well I don't know much about cooking so who was I to throw stones?

It was raining hard again when I left the house so by the time I arrived in the office, my sneakers and jeans were all wet. I'll never be good at staying dry under an umbrella. I stayed in the recreation area since it's still too early for my shift.

When I sat down in the couch, I pulled out my cellphone and saw that I have an unread message. It was from Alex. His message said he's sure about his decision and he's asking me to find a place where he can build a shop.

Ok. Should I start believing now? ....

What about now?

.....

Looks like I'm gonna have a serious talk with gramma tomorrow. I miss her, Damien and my cats so much. I'll be home for tomorrow then, I have to go back to Blumentritt on Saturday for my scheduled lab test and doctor's appointment. She'll be sad if I tell her I'm not sure about when I can visit again. I'm kinda busy with things, been trying to accomplish lots of things before I go on my long leave that I'm about to file. I plan to make it effective August 23rd. So that gives me about two weeks to take care of everything before settling down. Oh by the way, settling down for me means the time I'll be on leave, doing nothing.

He sounded so sure about living with me and my family, starting over, jumping the big leap of faith, all those happy ending crap that's starting to sound to good to be true. I'm sorry if I'm showing signs of pessimism but I've been through hell in this relationship, I've given up my hopes, I've traded happy endings to tragic ones... Too much pain, too much hate, too much of everything can change a person.

If I start to believe, I'll put my emotions down on the line. I'll risk myself getting hurt again.

And what if I don't believe? I'll be forever bothered with endless what-ifs, things that could've happened if I've been strong enough to fight for this one great love?

Questions without answers. I am officially damned.

Making Up

2010-08-06T10:38:00.000-07:00

08-03-2010 Tuesday

Alex waited in Espana for one hour. I don't know what urged him to wake up as early as 4:00 in the morning just to pick me up from work but if this is his way of trying to make it up to me, then so be it. I'm glad. That's completely fine with me.

I rendered a 30 minute overtime rather than attending my new team's post shift meeting. Oh wait, I've been too caught up with the recent incident about Alex that I forgot to mention in this blog that the team I dearly love has been dissolved. We've been dispersed to different teams. How sad. I can talk about it some other time. Too much drama makes me nauseous.

Back to what I was saying, I had no idea at all that Alex is gonna pick me up. He told me yesterday he'll try to wake up early but I've learned to not believe him whenever he would say that. He's not a morning person and waking him up in the morning is like asking a stone to move by itself.

I never thought he would wait for me that long but lo, he did. He was still there, sitting on his motorcycle, when I arrived in Espana. He stood up and stretched when he saw me got off the jeepney. I walked up to him and messed his already messy hair.

We arrived in the house while it's still dark and that's how I like it. The smell of morning coffee and hotdogs greeted me when I walked inside on the way to our room. The regular people in the boarding house are only getting started on their day while here I am, drained and eager to lie in bed to sleep. It reminds me how much I hate working during the night.

I took a quick shower, changed into a loose shirt and a clean pair of shorts, and sat on the bed beside Alex. He's watching another boring motorcycle race on TV. Why did I call it boring? Imagine a race having 40 laps? There's even one with 60 laps. It's too tiring to watch a race that long.

He pulled me closer, whispered 'I love you' in my ear and kissed my cheek. I raised an eyebrow. He sure is acting pretty sweet. Part of trying to make it up to me? Whatever.

I lie down in bed, hugged the pillow and slept. I still have some thinking to do when I have enough strength for it.

The Confession

2010-08-05T02:53:00.000-07:00

08-02-2010 Monday

Love is powerful. Love can make you forgive in more ways you can ever imagine. Love can make you stay no matter how much you wanted to just turn around and walk away. Love is powerful.

For some weird reason, the alleged incident which involved Alex and the girl next room to us turned out to be a good thing. Not that I would like this to happen again or I'm thankful that it happened, I'm just surprised to find out that fate can also work with me if it wants to.

What makes it a good thing? Well, first, it made him decide he's willing to go with me wherever I decide to go. Second, I realized I love him so much I want the best for him even if it means we're not gonna be together, which means I'm no longer loving selfishly. And third, the oddest thing is it made the bond between us stronger. How can one bad incident turn into something positive? Do you have any idea what complicated means? Come here, I'll tell you all about it.

I thought he'll never budge. He's firm, he's able to look directly in my eyes when he's answering my questions about the incident. I could no longer hold it back. I have to be blunt, and straight to the point. I beat around the bush a bit, but realized it's useless because he's not gonna confess with that.

I can tell when he's lying about something. Even though he's able to look straight into my eyes, he acts irritated about my repeated questions, he said those people are just making it up, and I kept on asking him and he's getting angrier but I know he's starting to give in. I finalyl told him everything I knew. He looked surprised, telling me such things did not happen.

"If you tell me those things didn't happen then, I believe you. But if I do believe you, and stand up for you, am I not gonna be embarassed in front of these people? They talked to Chairman Warren, he knows all about your records. If I tell him they're only making it up, will he believe me?" I asked him.

He studied my face and didn't say anything.

"Tell me everything. I'm willing to forgive you, that's how much I love you. I have the right to know. These people are thinking about me, that's the only reason why they're not taking you to jail yet. They know about my situation. Love, do you realize that if it wasn't for me, you'd be in jail by now?" I said, holding his face down so he can meet my eyes.

I said the magic words. The gravity of the situation finally hit him. The look on his face told me he's guilty.

"Why, love? Why did you do that?" I started to leak, God, I thought I'm numbed.

He pulled me closer and hugged me tight. "I was drunk.."

"I can forgive you. I was just thinking, what if it's another girl? What if it's some whorish chick and something did happen? Will I still be able to forgive?" I paused, "I guess I will..sheesh.. I can't believe I love you that much." I cried even though I didn't want to.

He rubbed my back and stroked my hair. "Love..."

I pushed myself away from him, "So now tell me, what do you want me to do? What will I tell them? You know I'm a girl, if I was abused like that, I will fight for my right. I will go for doing the right thing, even if it means giving you up."

He looked worried, "You will let them put me to jail?"

I nodded sadly, "If that's the only way for you to learn your lesson, Love..."

His face fell, "Love..." he hugged me again, "I don't want to go to jail..." his voice shook.

I pity him. I never heard him sound so afraid and defeated. I thought he's not afraid of the law? I remember before, when I asked my cousin who's a policeman to talk to him, he said before he's not afraid of anyone, not even police or breaking the law... Now, am I seeing the real him?

"But why... Why did you do that? I thought you're changing to become a better person.. I thought you're starting to love me again.."

He didn't know what to say at first. His eyes searched my face, as if making sure that I'm serious about letting other people take him to jail. I met his gaze, I didn't blink, I stared at him for a long time until he dropped his gaze.

"Love, I don't want to go to jail.. I'm so sorry. I will change.. I will talk to them to apologize..." he looked as if he's about to cry.

"When do you plan to change? How many times do I have to forgive you?"

"I don't want to go to jail.." he kept on repeating sounding more afraid.

I pity him even more. I held him tight, and stroked his hair. "Alright.. The other option they told me is that we need to leave this place once I've settled everything. I told them I plan to go home anyway, and they asked me about you, and I know you wouldn't wanna go with me so you might stay upstairs just like before. But, they said they wouldn't allow you to stay in this boarding house anymore." I sighed. "It's up to you now. I want you to leave you in a good state of being when I go home."

"No Love.. I will go with you." he said.

I looked up at him, "Are you serious?"

"Yes Love, I will go with you.." he repeated, "If you want, let's leave them today and go home to your gramma.."

I've been praying to hear those words from him, and I almost gave up my hopes that he'll ever consider living with me and my family. But now, he's saying it. Is he for real? All those talks about living in the house I got thru my housing loan, the business of motorcycle spare parts, the happily ever after story of us? So he's really serious about all of that?

"You really serious about this Love?" I asked again.

"Yes." he answered firmly.

I heaved a long sigh. "Okay. I'll figure something out when I go home this weekend. Don't you worry now, okay? We'll get through this together."

I finally saw his face lit up a bit, "Thank you Love. I'm sorry again and..really.. Thank you... I love you so much."

Change of plans. A start of something new. A slight glimpse of hope. Nothing remains the same. Change is always expected. Moving on, moving forward...

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.. 1,2,3,4...

Plan A? Plan B?

2010-08-05T02:51:00.000-07:00

08-01-2010 Sunday

I've been trying to get Alex to confess to me since yesterday but I always fail. He wouldn't budge even though I noticed he's becoming more and more bothered, like when we went to Tutuban earlier, I know he is with me but he looked like his mind is elsewhere.

Also, another weird thing I noticed was he talked to me about wanting to go home to my gramma. I shot him a confused look, and asked him why. He said he wanted to rest in a different place because the boarding house is getting too noisy. Not so him. As far as I can remember, he doesn't want to be there in our house, he used to say it's far away from everything, it's almost a remote place yada yada. And now, he's wanting to go there?

I told him he needs to get some sleep then, we'll talk about going home when he wake up. I thought has has forgotten it but when we were watching a late night TV show, he brought it up again. He began talking about living in a different place with me and my family. He asked about my housing loan. He told me he wanted to live in the house that I will purchase, and he can just do business of spare motorcycle parts there. That's in Bulacan! Seriously?! I thought he doesn't like being away from Manila?!

Oh and wait a minute. He's talking about a future with me? Am I really hearing him right?

I asked him more than three times if he's sure about what he's saying and he said yes all the time. Seriously?! I wanted to think that he's only wanting to hide, to run away from the people he has abused, but there's something in the way he talk that tells me he meant every word.

Even though I'm so close to believing him, I held back. We still have this incident matter at hand, and I have to remember that I am betrayed by this guy whom I love so much so while this things are not yet settled, then, I have to be more careful in trusting him. He needs to prove himself over again, then, we're back to square one.

Weighing Things

2010-08-04T02:35:00.000-07:00

07-31-2010 Saturday

She's a petite, small, demure and quiet chick who's a year younger than me. She has lived in the house for years, with her step sister, who's treating her like a housemaid. Kind of like a little Cinderella story, and she does act like a shy princess, not the whorish type who gets laid easily.

I'm thinking, why her? Or shall I be glad that it is her, the conservative type, far from being whorish?

About her looks, well, she's kinda cute I must admit. Not the cute you'd easily notice, it's the kind of looks that you will appreciate more if you stare at her long enough. Her expressive eyes are pretty noticeable, though.

I was looking at her eyes the whole time we were talking. I told her to tell me everything about the 'incident', don't hold back any piece of information from me, I have to know everything. I'm glad she did. Things became more clear.

I wondered how I managed to numb myself from feeling any pain as she told me how it all happened. Maybe it's because pain has become a regular emotion for me that I'm starting to get used to it? Yeah, maybe I think that's it.

When she's done talking, I knew my face was bland because she has this surprised look on her small face. She said she's not expecting me to take the situation lightly, I smiled at her remark.

"You know what? With everything I've been through with Alex, it will be no surprise that I'm somehow numbed. Besides, I'm a girl like you, if I'm the one violated like that, I'd be so pissed. I wouldn't stand up for him if I know he's the one who did wrong." I said, surprised that my voice didn't falter.

Her face lightened up, "Wow, you're so kind and strong... I really don't wanna bring up this matter because we are worried about your condition..but, I.. I just need to share it to somebody...."

"I understand. If it was me, I wouldn't take it sitting down, I would fight for my right as a woman." I felt my face flush. Anger? Probably. "So what will it be?"

She looked down, "My sister told me it's either they put him to jail...or they'll ask him to leave the boarding house for good...."

"I'm okay with the jail thing." I said firmly. "If that's what needs to be done for him to learn his lesson. Besides, I don't plan on staying here anyway. I will go home once everything's settled."

She was quiet for a moment.

"Tell your sister what we've talked about today. I talked to Alex yesterday but he didn't confess anything, I'll talking to him again. In the meantime, we'll try to figure out what will be the best for everyone." those are my final words.

I felt betrayed. After hearing the whole thing straight from the horse's mouth, I have no doubt now that Alex hid these things from me. That's why he looked bothered last night. That's why he looked like he was avoiding something or someone. I am mad, I pity him, I feel bad for the girl... I'm feeling everything except for pain.

I wonder if somehow Alex has any dual personality disorder because the Alex I'm with is completely different from the Alex that they're describing to me. There's no way that sweet Alex of mine could do such obscene things. I felt his sincerity, it's impossible that he faked all the good things I've seen him do. How can these things be possible?

The answers to all my questions didn't come. I decided to get some sleep. If I continue thinking too hard, I might end up a crazybitch like my mother. Who knows, maybe the answer will come when I wake up...

Shattered

2010-08-04T02:31:00.000-07:00

07-30-2010 Friday

In hopes of still keeping some things private, I decided to leave some details out in this post. Read between the lines, if you could.

I got a shocking news about Alex today, which until now, I'm having a hard time believing if I did hear the right thing. All I wanted is to have a peaceful rest day, but I should've known that with this kind of life I have, no day is ever predictable.

Everything was fairly okay, I was able to sleep well while Alex was away trying to make some money. I was not prepared at all for what was about to come. If there ever was a premonition, it doesn't look like that, everything looked as normal as it could be, even when the people who live in the next room asked for Alex's cellphone number, it didn't struck me as odd.

One of the boarders called me while I was fixing the bed. I usually leave the door open so it wasn't hard for them to find me. He told me Lesbo Bitch was calling me upstairs. I was curious on why would she wanna talk to me, we recently paid the rent, so I knew it's not about money, I was simply curious, it didn't occur to me that something is very wrong. There were no warning signs as I walk up the stairs.

Lesbo Bitch sat up on the bed when she saw me peek in her room. She has this weary look on her shitty face but still, I didn't take it as a bad sign, the weary look matches her face just fine.

"Have a seat." she adjusted her fat ass in the bed, and motioned for me to seat on the edge of it.

I did.

"It's about Alex." she said, looking really serious. "I should've told you some of these things before. I guess it slipped my mind. Now that something happened again, I realized I should tell you everything."

She began telling me about the incident that happened while I was gone, and also, some of it, while I was just in the room, asleep. Then, she went on telling me about the things that has happened before when Alex was still staying in the room beside hers. While she was telling me all the censored details about every incident, I felt like my entire world was slowly being shattered. Part of me wondered if she was really referring to MY Alex.

I was half listening to her when she got to the part where she was asking me if I'm really sure about wanting to be with Alex for good. I was thinking if she's telling me all this for me to leave Alex, to go home back to my parents, because that thought is far more acceptable rather than accepting everything she was telling me.

I could feel myself sweating. I waited for the pain to come. Surprisingly, it didn't. I'm guessing it will come after my denial stage. Yes, I am in denial about the whole thing. I find it hard to believe that Alex would do that to me, impossible. I've seen him trying to change himself to be a better person, matter of fact, he's trying his best to get a job for us. I'm sure he wouldn't do those obscenities. He wouldn't hurt me now, would he?

After talking to Lesbo, I went back to our room downstairs. This incident involved the people next room to us. They were in the dining table just outside our room. I couldn't face them. As much as I would like to talk to them, especially the girl who was supposedly violated, I couldn't find the strength to do so. I wanna know the entire story, but I'm not ready yet. The initial heads up was already too much to take. I can only take one pain at a time. Maybe I can talk to her tomorrow.

When Alex came home, I pretended to act like the usual. We had dinner. We had regular talks eventhough I can already feel him being slightly bothered about something.

Before going to sleep, I decided to talk to him seriously, trying to get him to 'fess up.

"Do you have any problem, Love?" I asked, holding his face.

He shook his head no.

"Tell me everything ok? I will understand. I'm here." I said.

He nodded.

"Love, do you love me?"

"Yes. Very much." he replied, kissing the tip of my nose.

"Love, you wouldn't do anything to hurt me, right?" I asked.

"Of course." he said.

I wanted to believe him. But why would these people make up stories like that against him? "You know, I appreciate all your efforts. I can see you're changing back to the Alex that I've fallen in love with a year ago..and I love you more for that. If you have any problems, lemme know ok? I'm always here for you. You promised me you wouldn't hurt me anymore, and I believe you. You wouldn't break a promise right?"

"Yes." he said, hugging me.

"Fine. Good night." I closed my eyes, but I didn't fell asleep immediately. My mind is filled with unwanted thoughts. It's agonizing. I can't wait for tomorrow to come. I have to talk to certain people. I have to listen to everyone involved, maybe with that, I'll get a better understanding on this matter.

Stone Walls

2010-08-02T01:56:00.000-07:00

07-28-2010 Wednesday

Talking to my mother has become similar to talking to a huge brick. Not only that, there seem to be an invisible wall around her that blocks any human thoughts, feelings or emotions. I wonder if it's still part of her being Bipolar or it could also be possible that for some strange reason, my real mother has been replaced by this walking stone statue. Where did my biological mother go? Did she die without us knowing?

I always expect some miracle whenever I would go home. I'm always hoping to see her back on her feet, walking, talking, taking care of the house chores just like a regular mother would. But, she never fails to disappoint me. The more I see her failing me and my gramma, the more I'm hating her. Now, my hate is to the point that I no longer have any sympathy towards her. I no longer blame her sickness for this, I blame her and her weakness. She's letting herself be defeated, actually from the looks of it, I can tell that she has already given up.

To be honest, I couldn't care less about her. If you ask me what my decision for her would be, I'll say I want to throw her away in some rehabilitation center, and let some volunteer take care of her, at least those volunteers would probably not care if she'll do nothing but sleep all fucking day. The reason why I couldn't do that is because of my gramma who still cares a lot about her. My gramma who's also hoping to see her fully recover. My gramma who's doing all the hardwork in the house, covering up her lazy fucking ass.

Our family has been through a lot. It has created a damage inside me but this is nothing compared to the pain that my gramma has endured throughout the years. If there's someone in our family that deserves a happy ending, it's my gramma. She has sacrificed a lot for us, she's got the strongest and most compassionate heart out of anyone I've ever known.

That's why it pisses me the most to think that my gramma does all the hardwork in the house while my mother does nothing but be a fucking stone. I am home today and I woke up to the sound of my gramma crying in the bathroom while she does the laundry. She's tired of our situation, she's tired of having to do everything, she's tired of seeing my mother give up and be defeated by the sickness over and over.

I went to the laundry to comfort her. I talked to her, asked her what she wanted to do with my mother. I told her that if my mother is not gonna change before August ends, then I'm gonna have to kick her ass back to the rehab and we'll live here together, the two of us, plus my cats and Damien. I told her to not worry about me, I'm fine with working, I only want her to be able to get some rest, take a break from all the hardwork she's doing, but with my lazy mom around, that's far from being possible.

She decided to talk to my mom, while I'm in the house. The stone moved from it's original position in the seat outside, sat on the floor near the door and froze. My gramma did the talking. I stared at the person I still call mom, wondering if she'll feel cold to my hands if I touch her. After my gramma was done talking, she asked her what she plans to do with her life. One of them has to get a job. She's still sick, so yeah fine, my gramma said she's willing to work, if in return, my mom will do all the chores in the house, from cooking to cleaning then she asked if my mom could think of anything else to do.

I almost exploded when I heard my mom respond "What else is there to do?"

I bit my lip to keep myself from shouting obscenities at her. If I didn't stop myself, I could've shouted different kinds of curses at her, and I would've probably grab her around the neck, and just choke her to death. Maybe that will bring some sense back into her little rotting brain.

What's with that question, what else is there to do? Lemme tell you, you li'l lazyass bitch, A LOT. Like shall we start with you getting a job? Or, or if not, then maybe be a mother to me even for once? Ohh wait, I got a better idea, why not start with sewing yourself back together, you crazy bitch?

I didn't shout..I stopped myself in time. I told her she needs to think about what she needs to do. If I don't get a clear answer before my scheduled unpaid leave, then I'm gonna have to bring my gramma with me to Manila and she can find a way to live on her own. It sounded harsh, even to my own ears but I don't care. I want her to understand that I mean what I'm saying. If she's not gonna help herself, then, I'm not gonna help her. I'm done trying to understand a person who don't even understand her own self. I'm the bad daughter, yes I am.

The conversation ended with no valid response from the statue. I wonder where I got the strength to hold back the words I wanna blurt out to her face. I'm usually not good at keeping my mouth shut. I guess I'm just concerned that she'll go crazybitch on us if I did say the things in my head. I'd rather deal with a stone than a bitch-gone-crazy episode of her.

She's officially insane. I'm officially the foe. We're a happy family, aren't we? Lalalalala..

Indebted To

2010-07-31T04:49:00.000-07:00

07-27-2010 Tuesday

Can someone give me a profound answer to this question: If your indebted to someone, what do you need to do to fully return the favor? Or how long do you have to keep on repaying before you can completely say that your debt has been paid off?

I'm trying to remember the reasons why I agreed to live in the same house where the Fat Bitch and Lesbo Bitch live when all I wanna do is to take Alex as far away from them as possible. First reason I could remember is that we need to move out as soon as possible and it's always hard to find an available room in Manila. Second was since Alex knew them, we weren't required to pay a few months advance or deposit, we just paid the flat one month rate upon moving in. Third was I really don't have any other option at that time.

Even though it's mostly against my will to live with the bitches, I realized I really don't have any choice. I fortified myself with the thought that I wouldn't see much of them anyway since the room we rented is downstairs and they live in the noisy, hellish room upstairs. It didn't turn out as bad as I thought it would be, actually, it's not bad at all, considering that I've lived there for 2 months now and it's very seldom that those bitches irritate me.

However, that seldom wave of irritation is a hell of a headache for me. In most cases, it even starts an argument between me and Alex. It sucks when our relationship is going smoothly, we're both happy and everything when suddenly, one stupid request from either Fat Bitch or Lesbo Bitch would ruin everything. How does it work?

Here's how: (When I explain this, I'm sure you'll understand my question in the beginning of this post)

As you all know (well, some might not, but whatever....), this bitches kind of adopted Alex. He has lived with them for years without paying a single dime. In exchange of that, he does whatever they ask him to; drive me to this place, go there, buy this, buy that...well yeah, you get the picture. I thought that since I'm living with him and we're paying the rent, they would STOP asking him favors because technically, he's no longer their adopted slave, he's now one of the boarders who pay them monthly.

I am so wrong. I've forgotten one simple fact of life: When you're indebted to someone (especially if the someone happens to be an overbearing bitch), you're bounded with them for the rest of your miserable life. Since it's not money we're talking about here, how do we count the payback? Or is it gonna be an endless payback?

Seems like that's the case with Alex and those bitches. He can't get away from them. He's still binded. That's becoming the subject of most of our petty quarrels that would turn to serious arguments.

Like today, I am so mad at him for not saying no to the big fat bitch who asked him to drive them to the mall when in fact, he's very much aware that he has to drive me to work. What is that about? He's still doing those bitches favors that would mean he's gonna have to put them first before me? Why is that? Can't he say NO even for once?

Ok, maybe there was a time that he has refused to do something. But now, I'm expecting him to say NO more often because he's no longer their slave. He's paying a goddamn rent every fucking month and if they want someone to drive for them, then ask someone else, someone who would be willing to be a slave for them. Why would they even have an owner type jeep in the first place if none of them knows how to drive, for crissake?

The bitch has asked Alex to drive them to SM Centerpoint. I imagine he wouldn't wanna stay in the owner to wait for them so most likely, he'll be joining the bitch and her snotty little bastard of a son, for a quick stroll in the mall. Wow, sounds like fun! He'll be there in the mall, hanging out with the opportunistic bitch while I have to commute my way to work. Great.

I left the house mad. And he was mad too. He thought I was acting difficult. Well, maybe I was, but I think he's acting like a guy without any balls. If it has happened before, I would understand him because he doesn't have any choice but to obey, but now, the thing I don't understand is why are they still asking him favors every once in a while? It's affecting us. It's affecting our planned schedules and such. Shouldn't he be done with those stupid favors because he is paying them money now?

The answer to all this question is Indebted To. Stupid fucking word that goes beyond definitions.

So now, can anyone answer my very first question? The best answer will win an exclusive prize from me: I'll do you a favor. Any favor. Fair enough? Haha, I'm being sarcastic, you shmucks. I'm still pissed so yeah, gotta go before I say anything worse... poof*

Unexpected Words

2010-07-30T04:30:00.000-07:00

07-26-2010 Monday

Do you trust a drunk person's words? I've often heard that when a person is drunk, they would usually tell the truth, the things they couldn't say when they are sober. Being drunk gives them this kind of courage to let it all out, and in the morning, after the headache has been washed away, they either deny they said such things or they deny telling that much.

Like what happened to Alex last night. They had another drinking session with the guys from our neighborhood. I let him drink all he want, it's better than letting him drive to Macapagal to watch a scheduled race, according to a text from his friend who invited him.

I was glad that he asked for my permission if I'll allow him to watch the race. I said no, and when his friend called him, I was looking at him as he talked to his friend about me not letting him go. I felt good hearing him admit to his friend that he's not going because I won't let him and he did not sound embarrassed about it at all.

The guys from our neighborhood wanted to get a goodnight's sleep after an entire day of hard work, and what better way to lull them to sleep? Two words: Drink beer. I don't know why does it work that way for guys. When I was an active alcoholic before, I drink beer when I wanna party like crazy all night long, it doesn't work for me trying to sleep in the evening, unless I've only had an hour or two of sleep, then I would fall asleep drunk but that rarely happens before.

Anyway, they ordered a couple bottles of beer, arranged their seats, and started talking about different things, some make sense, while most don't. Well, they're just being boys, in my opinion.

I stayed outside, listening to their conversations until I become sleepy. When I realized my eyes were already closing by themselves, I stood up, told Alex not to stay up late, and headed to our room to get some sleep.

I thought I was dreaming when I felt him lie down beside me.

"Love love love love love??" he whispered softly against my ear.

I didn't bother opening my eyes, I mumbled indistinctly in reply.

"Love love love love love??" he repeated, chanting.

"Whut?..."

"My wife is so pretty, pretty. Do you know I love you so much even if you always pick a fight wit' me?" he said, combing his hands through my now short hair.

I thought I'm not hearing things right. I may be half asleep and half awake at that time so I can't really trust my judgment. I didn't say anything, I stayed mum and listened.

"Do you love me, love love love?" he asked, his voice soft and warm.

"Mmm-hmm.." I mumbled my 'yes'.

"I love you so so so much, love love love. You do know it, right? Don't leave me please... You're my life, you're my pretty pretty wife. I love you." the sincerity in his voice was evident and I can tell it even without looking directly into his eyes.

I don't know what to say. I was awakened by his words. I wanted to turn around, to face him and confirm if he really mean everything he's saying. After all that I've been through with him, will I believe him now? I thought the Alex that has loved me like that before is long gone? Does that mean he's resurfacing?

It makes me wonder, if he's the same heartless Alex who has showed me he can live without me and confessed that he loves me less today than he did yesterday? Does this mean that I'm able to accomplish my goal of making him fall for me again during these times we're spending living together?

I told myself I still shouldn't keep my hopes up. If I fail, if we don't end up together, if my religion is still something he would deject and avoid like a plague, then it's no use hoping for a happy ending. I'll be hurt even more if things don't work out. I've stopped hoping a long time ago.

Maybe he's just drunk. Maybe in the morning he wouldn't remember a thing. Whatever. I don't wanna count on it. I've learned to hold back to avoid getting hurt. Tough, but it sometimes works.

I stayed quiet, waiting for him to say something else. After a few minutes, I heard him snoring like a pig. I went back to sleep. Maybe I'll get a better answer if I talk to him after his hangover. We'll see about that...

Happy Birthday Love Love

2010-07-28T03:21:00.000-07:00

07-24-2010 Saturday

Gramma's spaghetti is still the best among others, and since I suck at cooking, I asked her to cook me a spaghetti for Alex's birthday today, to which she gladly did. I went home yesterday, and asked my gramma to join me buy some stuff that I'm gonna need this August, and to also buy ingredients for her special spaghetti. I wanted to spend more time with gramma whenever I can. It's my way of showing her that I miss having her around.

When I woke up in the morning, the smell of the spaghetti sauce drifted in the air. I inhaled the heavenly aroma, stretched and got up. I got dressed and attended the early morning worship service.

After the worship service, the spaghetti was well prepared. My gramma helped me pack the food, and the stuff we bought yesterday. I wasn't so happy walking around carrying a bunch of stuff with me but I consoled myself with thinking that Alex will be happy to have some spaghetti for his birthday. Even though I haven't picked out a gift for him yet, I hoped that the spaghetti would cheer him up. I know he's been down lately for not having a job yet, but I'm not rubbing it to his face or anything, I've learned to be more patient with that.

I arrived in Blumentritt a few minutes before 10 in the morning. I fumbled for my key, which is slightly hard to do when I'm trying to balance all the stuff I have in my hands. When I finally got it out, I slipped it into the doorknob, and pushed the door open.

For a change, the room wasn't in a total wreck. The dishes have been washed, dried and stacked up neatly. There's no stain on the floor, matter of fact, it looked like it has been sweeped clean to the point that there's not even a hint of dust on it. I smiled, finally I was able to go home on a clean room, instead of a wrecked one.

Alex was still asleep, lying face down on the bed. I set aside the stuff I was holding and knelt on the floor to gently wake him up. He opened his eyes, focused his gaze on me, as if making sure that he's no longer dreaming.

I touched his face gently and kissed him on the cheek, "Good morning love love, Happy birthday.."

He stretched out his arms to hug me, "Thank you."

"You're 26 today. That makes you officially 5 years older!" I teased. "Get up and let's eat the spaghetti."

He hugged me once more before getting up.

We shared a nice breakfast of spaghetti that my gramma cooked. I watched him eat happily. I told him that I haven't come up with a present yet so he can just let me know what he would want.

His fork hung in midair, "A tire for my mio would be nice" he said, smiling.

I rolled my eyes at him, "Hah! You wish!"

We have nothing planned for his birthday so we just stayed at home, to eat, watch TV, and enjoy the time we have together. He didn't ask for anything , he said that the food I brought him is enough and besides, he doesn't want me to spend more than what I could afford. I know he's shy to ask since he's still jobless.

We watched a couple of DVD's and both of us fell asleep halfway through the 3rd movie. It was almost 7 in the evening when he woke me up, and he reminded me that we have to go to the doctor for my regular check-up. Ok, here we go again.

After the check-up, we went back home and ate some more spaghetti. Man, I'm so full of spaghetti today. Then, we stayed outside to hang-out with thy neighbors. They sang an out of tune version of Happy Birthday and asked him if he's gonna buy some drinks tonight. He admitted he doesn't have the money, well, they knew he recently lose his job so they come up with their own money to buy beer.

Now instead of killing myself with jealousy over not being able to drink unlike before, I decided to let the guys be guys and drink 'till they get wasted. I went back to our room, turned the TV on, and tuned it to HBO. I can hear them talking and laughing loudly outside. He's with his boys, he was able to drink on his special day, he sounded happy, so yeah that's good enough for me.

I just turned the TV off when Alex entered the room. The strong smell of beer and smoke drifted and I wrinkled my nose. He lie down in bed beside me, I wrinkled my nose even more, "Gee, take a bath, brush your teeth, wash your face please. You smell awful"

He laughed, "I will." He hugged me tightly. "Love," he called seriously.

"Hmmm?" I was holding my breath.

"Thank you so much for this day."

"Are you happy?" I asked.

"Very..." he said, snuggling closer. "Because you're here for my birthday..."

"Really?"

"Really..." he tried to kiss me.

I turned away "Argh! Go take a bath!".

He stood up laughing. He grabbed the towel off the rack, fished out a cigarette stick from his pocket, put it in between his lips and went to the bathroom. That's his ritual before taking a bath-- taking a dump while smoking a damn cigarette. I wonder why I never did that before.

His birthday turned out good. And I'm happy that he's happy. Love love, HAPPY BIRTHDAY. i LOVE YOU LOTS xoxo..

Setting Expectations

2010-07-25T20:31:00.000-07:00

07-22-2010 Thursday

This is getting boring, I know.. Shall I go on?

See the thing is, I want to talk about different stuff, believe me. I could talk about the weather today, the calls I'm getting at work, the hot new billboard of Miss Famous someone in Edsa or whatever but it wouldn't make any sense because it doesn't concern my status in life. I created this blog to reflect my life, to rant, rave, say anything I wanna say or simply share what I feel like sharing and I'm sorry if the things I'm sharing seems to go on and on without any formal closures so I wouldn't be surprised if most of you don't have a better understanding of what's going on. Maybe it's also because of the things I'm holding back, the things I prefer to keep private. Again, I apologize.

When I look back on my previous posts, I see similarities, redundancy...it's all about this *situation which is vague in every post, it's about Alex and me, it's about me debating against myself, my hate for my mom... These things are getting old. It's like a hot discussion before but now, it's getting kinda lame.

The weird thing is, no matter how lame it is, I continue talking about it. Am I confusing you already? Hold on, 'cause it gets worse... This topic is like a useless drug that I kept on overdosing myself with.

I might be asking the same questions over and over. I may sound like I'm going in circles with this. Well, to tell y'all honestly, tis' the truth, nothing else but the goddamn truth.

Now that I've set proper expectations, lemme go back to my boring topic, which is always about the same thing... Ready? Take a deep breath..and here we go:

'I'm sorry I couldn't make it home early.. I've been out all day, trying to find something that'll help me earn money. I don't want it like this, I don't wanna ask things from you. I know most of the time, you also don't have enough for yourself. Besides, we both need the money. Love, mahal na mahal po kita...' the long text message from Alex lowered down my blood pressure.

Before going to work, I was mad at him for not coming home early even though he promised he'll be back in time to drive me to church. I decided not to text him or say anything bad to him. I'll just do my thing here at work, then go home to my gramma tomorrow with no intentions of telling him about it.

But, that text. One long message from him woke me up and suddenly, I'm not mad at all. I never thought he actually thinks that way now. That's my dear old Alex. The one I fell in love with 1 year and 3 months ago. I barely recognized him. I think I've gotten used to the heartless Alex that he has become.

I replied with, 'That's fine, I'm not mad. I appreciate your effort. Thank you, love. Have you eaten dinner? Sleep early ok? I'll come home to gramma tomorrow but I'll be back the day after so we can celebrate your birthday...'

'Yep. Thank you din po love sayo..' I read his reply once. Then, read it again. What's he thanking me for? It doesn't sound like he's thanking me for understanding his situation neither does it sound like he's thanking me for the new bath soap I bought for us earlier today. So, really, what is that about?

I ignored it and just replied with 'Ok, I love you, good night.' but even after a few minutes of putting my cellphone back in my pocket, I'm still thinking what he really meant to say.

I wanna believe that he's changing back to the Alex I've known before but I don't want to keep my hopes up. If he's not gonna consider my religion, then, there's no hope of us ending up together for good no matter how perfect things seem to be right now, which is a complete disappointment.

After his birthday, I need to have the serious talk with him. It can no longer wait. We need to figure out things before everything gets more complicated than what I can handle.

Not Advisable

2010-07-25T20:27:00.000-07:00

07-21-2010 Wednesday

For future reference, I took note of all the wrong things I did today. This is to also avoid any pending screw-ups in the future.

* Don't cry before going to sleep (especially if you're one of those creatures like me who sleeps in the morning and works at night). Aside from getting those ugly peepers when you wake up, it makes sleeping almost impossible.

* If you still haven't gotten enough sleep and you happen to wake up, feeling slightly hungry, ignore it. Your sleepless mind is probably playing tricks on you. Because if you do get up to eat, you'll realize you're not really hungry, and going back to sleep would be harder once you've loaded your stomach with carb-filled foods.

* As a follow-up to the aforementioned situation, don't take your prescribed vitamin or drug after eating. It'll take hours for those to take effect and when it does, you're even more screwed because you will fall asleep an hour or two before your alarm buzz. The result? More headache.

* Don't try getting s'more sleep on your way to work. You could be lucky not to miss the place where you need to get off but your headache is ten times worse.

I did all the wrong things today and now, sitting here at work, with my head throbbing, all I could wish for is lesser calls for this day. God please, I'm just not in the mood to argue with dumbass customers today. I don't even feel like talking!

My friends/colleagues are all talking beside me in between their calls and I'm trying to grasp what they're saying but I'm failing. My eyes felt heavy as if it's gonna close at any time. If I wasn't itching like a flea-infested dog earlier I would've never taken my anti-histamine medicine, that darn thing works like magic on the itch but it makes you feel really sleepy after taking it.

9:05 pm. I JUST logged in! 9 more hours to go!
OH WELL.

Tough Times

2010-07-25T20:24:00.000-07:00

07-18-2010 Sunday

Alex has been without a job for less than week but it feels like he's been without one for a month. The burden of having to shoulder everything financially is starting to sink in even though I damn well know that he's trying his best not to be a burden, I'm still wishing he could get a job as soon as he can.

My salary is not enough to support us both, I barely have enough money left to treat myself to something every payday, every penny that comes along my way is fixed on a budget for the rent, bills, food, transportation and everything in between. Ah, the life of a breadwinner. I've accepted this hard responsibility a long time ago, and I'm not the type who complains without a valid reason but things are way too much harder when you have a parent who don't wanna get up and find a job.

It sucks to be poor. It sucks to feel broke all the time. I don't pay much attention to how deprived I am financially but lately, the truth is being thrown right into my face. When I wanna buy something so bad, I force myself to say no. I have to pinch pennies just to make ends meet. It's not easy I tell you, especially if you're 21 years old, and you wanna make the most out of your young adult life.

Alex would sometimes tell me that I'm not doing myself a favor, that I'm always depriving myself or holding myself back from getting the things I really wanna buy, even if it's something useful for me. I always respond with a frown but inside my head, I know it's fact I'm trying to not think about because if I do think about that, I'll only pity myself.

I'm fine with being considered a cheapskate rather than being considered pityful. If I can make money in sharing my miserable life with other people then, I would be glad to share all my woes, frustrations, and misfortunes, but since I wouldn't gain anything in winning people's sympathy, then I would prefer to keep my mouth shut (if you'll notice, I don't tell all in this blog. It's very public, and I want some stuff to remain private).

It's such a bad time to lose a job. If it's bad enough for Alex, it's worse for me. Imagine me having to take care of all the finances while he doesn't have a job. The food, our stuff, the things we need to buy-- ohh shoot that reminds me, we still have lots of things on our 'Needed-to-Buy-Before-August-Ends' list. Damn damn dammit!

I ain't mad at him, it isn't his fault that he has terrible luck on a job. I remember prior to this job, he also got laid off from the previous one. It's not that he's not doing his job, trust me, he's losing his job for the oddest reasons--simple mistakes that is not likely for him to commit (remember the Fortuner - Revo incident? Ironically, he's an excellent driver. For his job at Sym, he happen to carry his forbidden cellphone and got caught. Ironically, he always leaves his cellphone in the little compartment of his motorcycle. One lousy mistake at a wrong time. Talk about having bad luck).

I talked to him about having a hard time coping with our financial needs. He said he knows how hard it is and he's desperate to get a job. I can see it on his face that he means it. I had to do a double take to make sure that I'm talking to my Alex. He looked and sounded more mature than he did months before. Will I begin to hope that he's actually changing to be a better person? Are we really growing up on each other's company? I sure hope so. Just pray I can hang in here 'till he finds his luck.

Home for the Weekend

2010-07-25T20:18:00.000-07:00

07-16-2010 Friday

When I got off the jeepney, the first thing I saw was my gramma standing outside our house, looking out as if she's expecting me to be home even though I didn't tell her that I'm gonna be home for the weekend. I was smiling as I walked up the street towards our house, thinking that she already saw me. I was holding a big plastic bag that contained my one week worth of dirty clothes, a little something for my mom to wash since I couldn't find the time to do the laundry in the boarding house.

I greeted my gramma and she was completely caught off-guard as if I popped out of nowhere. "Didn't see you coming!" she said happily, taking the plastic bag from my hand.

"I thought you saw me" I said.

"No, I didn't. I was just standing here, I saw someone got off the jeepney but I didn't know that it was you." she was saying as we walked inside the house.

Damien saw me instantly and as always, he was wagging his tail like crazy, his butt swaying left and right. I ran to him and hugged the spoiled, furry, white dog.

It feels good to be home with my gramma in a good mood and my mom not acting like an emotionless statue. I saw her in the bathroom, filling up containers with water from the tap. I left my dirty clothes in the floor beside her, hoping she'll get the gist that I want her to do the laundry instead of having my gramma do it. If she didn't pick it up, I would be the one to wash my clothes, thankfully, she did. Good, no episode of uselessness for the day.

I went back to the room where my gramma was and thought it's time to share her the good news.

"I got the result from the 2D Echo." I began, smiling.

She immediately looked concerned. "What about it?"

"Well... The doctor said I'm as normal as I could get. He assured me I can get through this without any complications." I wanted to add, 'I'm gonna live, gramma! For real!' but I kept it to myself.

Her face lightened and I can see that she's so relieved to hear that I'm gonna be fine. "Good to hear that."

"But.. He said I still need to undergo a surgery in the future. I'll talk to dad about it, to ask for financial help."

"I'm sure he will help. He may not look like it, but he cares about you, always remember that." and I believed her when she told me that.

I remembered when my dad made the effort to call me a few weeks ago. It's something that I didn't bother posting in here, because it seemed irrevelant at that time. The conversation we've had was basically about my mom's nervous breakdown. I intend to tell him about my current situation but decided it might not be a good idea. He's my dad alright, but he has been a stranger ever since he left us. There was a time when I was so mad at him, when we've had some fights but it doesn't mean I knew more about him during those times when we used to have constant communication. Now, we rarely do. And if it wasn't for the fact that I'm gonna need some financial help, I wouldn't be reaching out to him in the first place. Meet my dad, the stranger. Tangled family ties. Sheesh, what a crazy life I have.

After a few more talks with gramma, we ate dinner then, I slept early. I had a good nights sleep. For a change, I dreamt of happy thoughts

Normal Day at Work

2010-07-25T20:15:00.000-07:00

07-14-2010 Wednesday

For a change, work has been slightly pleasant for me. We have a long wait time in between calls unlike before when we can't even take a few seconds off of the phone to breathe. Now when I say 'long wait time', I mean 'looooong wait time' and I'm dead serious I couldn't even believe it myself. Maybe it's a slow time of the year for people to call Sales, maybe people are not just in the mood to call, whatever it is, I'm thankful they're not bothering me.

So while I'm sitting here, staring at the computer monitor, waiting for a call to come in, I'm thinking of what I'm gonna post for this day's blog entry. It's not that I really care about having a specific topic, I'm more concerned of which demon to release this time. You should know by now that this blog is a wailing wall, a collection of my personal demons, and anything-in-between about me. It's all me. At least this is not considered narcissism because I don't fill this with pictures of my dear old self. I ain't that fucked up yet.

Ok, so what boring story do I tell this time? Uhhm, it rained earlier? We don't have any electricity for more than 12 hours? The second storm of the year hit the country today? Nah. These stuff are all over the papers and news channels...

What else can I share today? Nothing much, really. Oh wait, here's one.

I got home and it's dark as a dungeon in there. I walked very slowly trying not to hit on anything or anyone in the house. My hands were outstretched as I search for the door of our room when it suddenly opened. I couldn't see his face but I can tell that Alex just woke up, even from the dark, I saw the strands of his hair in a disheveled mass.

I entered the room and closed the door. "Could you turn the light on?"

"Power's off. No electricity." he announced, stretching.

Darn the storm. Then, I remembered about bitching on him yesterday, the bad things I've said and how sad he is for losing his job. I put my bag down.

"Sorry." I said as I open my arms to hug him tight.

His shoulders slumped down as I enclosed my arms around him. That's all I could do to somehow make him feel better. I felt sorry for him. I felt shitty for myself. We hugged for a long moment. No words, only silence as I ran my hand through his hair, then on his back. I feel like it's the best thing to do to comfort him.

Too boring? He-he. Well, it's something meaningful for me. The fact that I connect to him like that means we're really doing good in our relationship. Makes me wish this could last longer...

Anyway, back to my day here at work. It is now 11:30, I logged in at 9:00, did Overtime from 7 to 8:30 and I only have 2 calls. Splendid! And today's my last day, I'll be on leave tomorrow.

I looked like shit, I only had a 3 hour sleep if I'm not mistaken. Damn that black-out. Hopefully, I'll get some good sleep tomorrow. Then, I plan on going home to gramma for the weekend to share her the good news about my 2D echo result. Happy happy happy. This is gonna be a good weekend. No need to dwell on the negativities.

Woops, it's getting busy here..have to go.... :D

Lost Too Soon

2010-07-25T20:12:00.000-07:00

07-13-2010 Tuesday

Things that we say while we're mad are usually the words we ended up regretting when we've calmed down. We may try to take them back but the damage has been done. Makes you feel shitty, trust me.

See, I woke up mad because it's past 4 in the afternoon and Alex still wasn't home even though I asked him to come home early because my alarm clock might screw up and I might not wake up on time. I prepared the food on my own, ate, took a bath, got dressed and still, there was no sign of him. To top it all off, it was raining, and I knew even before I left the house that I'm gonna be wet inspite of having a trusty umbrella. The furious rain is one thing, flood is another, and this place in Blumentritt is known to flood easily.

Needless to say, I was enraged when I left the house. There's flood everywhere, and I managed to wet my shoes, along with my socks by the time I hopped on the jeepney. I looked pityful, I was worrying that I might not make it at the office early to render overtime. I badly need the hours, I badly need the additional pay and I felt like Alex didn't care about me, considering he did not even text to let me know that he wouldn't be home in time.

I pulled out my cellphone from my bag and began texting Alex endless hate messages about him not caring about me, not letting me know what his plans were, telling him how bad I feel about the whole thing and so on and so forth, yeah basically I was throwing a mean fit at him.

Halfway to the office, he finally replied, 'Where are you? I lost my job today that's why I couldn't go home early.'

Those words hit me. He must've felt so bad, I've seen how down he was the day before and I know how important his job is to him especially now that both of us needs it badly.

I don't know how to react. There he was, down, burned out, jobless and wet from the rain on his way home, while all I did was bitch on him thru my cellphone. I felt horrible. Looks like I'm not really doing a good job when it comes to being a supportive partner to him.

I replied with a brief sorry and asked if he has eaten dinner. He didn't sound mad after every hate messages that I've sent to him and that made me feel worse. I decided I'll just make it up to him tomorrow when I get home.

In the office, I couldn't help but worry about him losing his job. God, this isn't the right time for that. We've got bills to pay this coming 23rd, I've cooked the last of our rice earlier, we need to buy food on a daily basis, and the list goes on. I can't afford to shoulder all of that especially with the fact that my mother is a useless piece of stone in the house that wouldn't get a job. I count on Alex to help me out.

Is this the right time to pack up and go back home? Heck, I can't do that. I feel like he doesn't deserve to be left behind when he's feeling down and hopeless. I love him this much that if I will leave him eventually, I want him to be in a good state of being.

7:00 PM. I just logged in at work. And all I wanna do is log out, go home, and be with him. Can't wait for tomorrow to come....

Good and Bad

2010-07-19T03:14:00.000-07:00

07-12-2010 Monday

I have a good news while Alex has a not-so-good news today, I don't know where to begin. Right now, I'm really wondering why can't all things go smoothly even for one freaking day, you know what I'm trying to say? One day is all I'm asking for. One day to savor a moment of bliss and not worry about anything. I thought this is the day. Yeah, I guess it is, until Alex came home, looking beat up and worried.

I'll start with what he has to share for this day. If I'm gonna end this post, I might as well try to end it with something good, even if my day is really not.

I was awoken by a tickling touch on my toe. I opened my eyes and saw Alex at the foot of the bed. I grabbed my cellphone to check the time. Would you believe that, I overslept again. The alarm is already working on my cellphone, but somehow, I missed it. I must be too tired and sleepy that it's getting hard to wake me up with a loud screaming alarm. I plan to wake up at 4:30 to prepare food so we could eat before he drive me to work. It is already 10 minutes before 5 on my cellphone. Crap.

He lie down beside me. I noticed he looked like he's deep in thought. I waited for him to speak up.

After a sigh, he told me, "I have a problem.."I listened as he told me how he scratched two cars today. He was trying to park a Fortuner when he accidentally hit the Revo parked in front of it. It's nothing serious, it's not even considered 'hit', it's more of a slight bump on two vehicles but there's a minor scratch on both cars. Now, that's the problem. You know how expensive a cars maintenance is that even a simple paint job could cost an arm and a leg.

He said the management will still talk about it if he needs to pay for the cost, or if he'll get terminated immediately or, if they'll wait for his contract to end and not consider him for regularization. The third option is already gonna happen, anyway. He said they'll never consider him for regularization because of this incident. But he's most concerned about getting terminated immediately. I asked him how will he know, he said if he's no longer given a schedule by next week, then that's it.

While he's telling me about it, he was burying his face in my neck in between every pause, and he kept on hugging me. He looked so ashamed, so defeated that I pity him. I'm not mad at all. I know he's trying his best at work, I know he's doing it for us. I can tell that he felt bad because he did a major screw up and I tried to make him feel better by showing him that I'm not mad.

"You'll find another job. I'll help you, ok?" I said as I hugged him tightly.

I tried to look positive in front of him but a lot of things are already running inside my head. It's hard to get a job. It's even harder if you didn't go to college. What if he lose this job and he doesn't get one soon enough? August is the big month for us. Big when it comes to finances. I will be on leave for probably 2 months, without pay. I wouldn't count on my SSS benefit because it's not that much. I hope that at least they keep him in the company till his contract is up (September).

Alright, let's move on to the next news. No need to spend a long post about a bad stuff.

I went back to Philippine Heart Center earlier to follow up on my 2D Echo result. Waiting for that damn paper result took almost an hour. I couldn't believe it. The result wouldn't be available till after 3 business days and when you come back for it, of course you're expecting it to be ready and all so you can just swing by to pick it up. Turns out, that's not the case here.

One woman, who also came back for the result kept on bugging the volunteer in the Release Window about her result and the volunteer patiently told her over and over to calmly sit down and wait. I overheard the volunteer has told her they're still looking for it. Still looking for it?! Are you kidding me?! It made me wonder if they're looking for the results manually, like with merely human strength and knowledge? Whatever happened to computers, you type the patient's name, the results show, you locate the file folder where it's kept then, voila!

Anyway, after I got my result, I went upstairs to see the good ol' doctor who knows how to strike up a conversation (*think of my post about my first encounter with him). When my name was called, I entered his dungeon and handed him the results.

It's clearly indicated in there that I still have a congenital heart disease. After all these years, that small hole inside my heart did not cure itself afterall as opposed to what my previous doctor has told me, even though I can say that it has become smaller. Also, before they told me it's not something that would need an operation.

He studied the result for a minute or two, with his eyebrows crossed. After reading everything, he put it down, adjusted his glasses and looked up at me, "Well, you were born with it."

"Yep. My previous doctor told me it will heal in time. That the small hole would close, no operations needed."

He cleared his throat. "Let's ask the Radiologist who did this test." he picked up the phone, dialled a number and I heard him talk jargons and jargons of medical terms so before my mind explode from trying to understand, I looked out the window behind him and entertained myself in watching different vehicles speed along the highway below.

"Alright" he said after he hung up the phone. "You should not disregard this matter. Eventually, you have to undergo surgery. For now, you're fine, it's not affecting your health and most importantly, it's not gonna affect your *----" (*privacy! :D )

My head snapped up, "It won't?"

He nodded, and for the first time, I noticed that his smile is genuine and sympathetic. He's a good doctor afterall.

I wanted to be sure. "So, uhmm.. Uhh.. I'm normal..for now?"

"Yes, you can do it like a normal woman could." he handed me back my 2D echo result. "Just don't forget that after that, a couple of months or so, we'll still consider a surgery." that ended our appointment.

I thanked him for his time, and went on my way. I can't wait to tell my gramma about it. At least that would lessen her worries about my health. At least there's this one thing that we can both smile about inspite of our distance.

Heck, I can't afford the surgery but I'll worry about that later. What matters is I know that I'm gonna live longer..for the time being.

Still Full of Hate

2010-07-15T07:05:00.000-07:00

07-09-2010 Friday

Instead of being greeted by the smiling gramma who always looked so delighted in seeing me come home, I saw a sullen, weary-looking gramma walking around the house when I came home earlier this morning. My heart sank and I instantly knew that something was wrong. I bet it's about my mom even though she appeared sane as she played with Damien on the floor. There's always something wrong with her no matter how normal she looked on the outside, and I've always gotten the short end of the stick that's why I knew better.

I kicked my shoes off of my feet and put my bag down. I hugged Damien, who was wagging his tail and shaking his butt non-stop, undeniably happy to see me. I can hear my gramma talking aloud, she was saying "It's always me who does everything in this house, what will happen without me? Who will cook? Who will prepare the food?" she kept on walking around, holding a ladle in one hand, and a pot holder on the other, "Didn't even think that someone is gonne come home hungry. Didn't even bother waking up to prepare food. What will happen to the brain if it stopped working?"

It was about my mom alright. I thought she's already helping out in the house chores? The last time I was home, she even did the laundry and washed the dishes. What the fuck is going on again?

I'm beginning to take back what I said about me trying to love her and maybe appreciate her as my mother again. I'm also starting to realize that maybe she didn't really give a fuck about me or my gramma. Yeah, she acted like she cared a few weeks after she got out of the rehab, but now, months after, uhhh, almost 4 months after to be specific, she's nothing but a moving stone statue. Cold. Devoid of emotions. Empty.

My hate is rising back to the surface. I want her gone. I want her out of our lives, for good. If she'll continue caring less about my gramma having to do all the chores in the house then she might as well be sent back to the rehab, be locked up in a stinking room all by herself and be completely forgotten. I'm trying to be okay with her not having a job as long as she tries to help my gramma in the house. Besides, it'll better for her to do some physical work because she's always complaining about feeling weak, legs like jelly, arms hurting, fuck all those bullshit reasons! We've taken her to the doctor about those complaints, they did all the lab tests shit and guess what, nothing comes up! Nothing is freaking wrong with her fucking body system! Matter of fact, the doctor said it's fine for her to work!

What's that all about?! I was so mad earlier because I hate seeing my gramma tired from working and doing everything in the house. She was in the kitchen, preparing my breakfast when I talked to her. She calmed down while talking to me. She asked me how I'm doing, if I'm hungry, if it's okay that she has only prepared hotdogs for my breakfast. In spite of the weary eyes looking back at me, I can tell that she's still the gramma who cared a lot.

I have to think of something. Something that will make my mother snap back to the reality in front of her. It's July. By the end of August, I'll be on leave for a few months, without pay. How can we survive if I wouldn't get paid? She needs to have a fucking job. She needs to put the pieces of her back together for her own sake. God, it's been months after she was released from the rehab, and until now, she's acting like she needs to be sent back there for eternity.

I've thought of people, some of our relatives, that can maybe talk some sense into her empty mind. Anyone please help. It has to be the first option: Get someone to talk to her. If I have to ask her uncle, or my aunt, or anyone that can talk her, hell, I don't care if I have to go as far as asking my dad to call her just to make her realize that she fucking needs to get up on her feet for the sake of her mother and only daughter!

Seriously, if you'll ask me what my first option would be, I would say send her ass back to the rehab! She has become the type of person that doesn't make a difference in the world whether she exists or not. That's because she DOES NOTHING.

Maybe I will burn in hell for saying things like this but I can't help myself! I tried loving her again. We tried to understand her, to the point that my gramma and I have to make sacrifices. And what did she do after everything we've done for her? Nothing. The ungrateful bitch did nothing for us.

The one thing that bitch is good at? Flirting with different men. I've learned not to turn my cellphone on when I'm at home because if I don't and I happen to have some prepaid load, she would text these men she met on the internet. Then, when I leave the house, I would receive nasty messages from these men. I've told my gramma about it but I don't think she has confronted my mom in regards to that.

Okay, don't get me wrong, I'm fine with her having another guy, like, for real. I want her to find someone and get married again. Maybe that will make her forget about my dad once and for all. I just don't like her having different dudes at the same time. Mind you, these guys she's texting does not even include the one she has brought home before. I don't wanna say the word whore..but oh well..did I just say it?

I am officially the hateful daughter. If this is all too much to take, you can now leave and ban this site for fear of any negative influence on an innocent mind. I'm just so tired of her being full of shit.

This situation gives me another headache. I've been thinking a lot of things lately that I sometimes feel like my head is gonna explode. When will all this problem end? I want a peaceful life, that's all I'm askin' for, why is it so hard to get? Either give me an answer or a gun to shoot the people I hate.

Ways to Keep Him

2010-07-15T07:04:00.000-07:00

07-06-2010 Tuesday

Ok, before the long serious talk I plan to have with Alex, I figured I will first work on keeping our relationship on a good status. If this works out or not, at least there will be no more room for bitterness or regret, I did what I can do to make it last. At least he can remember me as the girl who cared and loved him for real. *Sappy alert! Ahhh!!

How does it work? Well, let's see, I listed down some of the things a girl can do that I think would make the relationship work. Note: It is proven for me, I don't know about you but it wouldn't hurt to try, would it?

1.) Always say the magic words. Say 'I love you', 'I miss you', 'take care', at least two or three times a day. Sure action speaks louder than words, but oftentimes, they still need to hear the words being spoken out loud.

2.) Appreciate him on a job well done. Whether it is as simple as being able to clean a room up, or fix an equipment in the house, always commend him for doing a neat job. It'll boost their self-esteem and make them want to do even better things.

3.) Compliment him. It'll be a good ego booster. This t-shirt makes him look sexier? Tell him. His new haircut brings out the softness of his face? Let him know. I've read somewhere that 'a compliment falls lightly, but it carries weight', believe in that.

4.) Never rub his mistakes to his face. I should've been more careful before when I was blaming him for everything. Boys are aware of their wrongdoings, and believe it or not, they eventually come to the realization that they need to correct their own mistakes. Let them figure it out on their own. Tell him what he did wrong in a manner that is not degrading to him as a person. I did that before and until now, I'm regretting it.

5.) Cook for him. This is an old, overused cliche but they always say that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Know why? Because they love to eat! Don't worry, you don't have to be the best cook around, as long as it's something he can digest and it's well-prepared, that's enough to make him appreciate you being around.

6.) Be more sensitive to his feelings. Even if you just think that you've hurt him, you probably had, so say you're sorry. Guys could be more sensitive than girls, it's just that they always hide their feelings. He could still be smiling but you'll never know.

There. That's all I could think of for now. I know there's more that I haven't mentioned but these are some of the most important for me. I can see how he's changing slowly. I no longer encounter the cold and heartless Alex. He's more understanding and patient with me. Even though I still throw a fit sometimes, he's still calm and he doesn't get mad.

I'm hoping that we can stay this way for a long long time...

Right Time

2010-07-15T07:03:00.000-07:00

07-06-2010 Tuesday

Finding the right time to tell him is harder than I thought it would be. The hardest is figuring out what to say exactly, word per word to make him understand that the one thing getting in the way of our relationship is back to haunt us. When I left home and decided to stay with him, it doesn't mean that the problem is gone because I ran away from it, it's still there, right where I left it, until the time comes that it needs to follow me. Unfortunately, looks like now is the time.

I still don't know how I'll go about telling him, where do I start? Oh and wait, why am I so scared anyway? If his decision is still a big fat NO, then I might as well consider everything we've had as null. Zippo. Nothing follows after it. I shouldn't be so sad actually by now, I should've braced myself for the worse. Besides, I'm so looking forward to going back home, aren't I? Yeah, but still, please don't blame me for being sad about having to give him up, it has been too long of a journey, too many memories that just the mere thought of letting it all go is heartbreaking.

We happened to have a schedule that doesn't really conflict, which to me is working out fine. He works from 6am-3pm, so when I go home, he's no longer there, that means I have the bed to myself and I can sleep well. I count on him to wake me up when he get home since the alarm on my cellphone is unreliable. And of course, the best thing is that he's able to drive me to work which means I'm saving money on my fare.

Even with that good schedule, I can't find the time to ask him to sit down and have the serious talk. I can't find the time, and courage maybe? I don't know. Whenever I would come up to him, I find myself unable to find the right words to say.

I know this matter couldn't wait any longer but I'm begging for a miracle for him to change his mind. I'm hoping that the time we've spent together is enough to make him realize that this relationship could work if we'll try to bridge our gap, our ONLY gap, which is our religion differences.

Okay, eventually, I'll find the right time. We need to talk, soon. Wish me luck on this.

A Day at PHC

2010-07-15T06:59:00.000-07:00

07-04-2010 Sunday

Spending an entire day at a hospital is probably not on your list of 'things to do during a vacation leave', neither did I want that but what choice do I have? This is the only day I have to see a cardiologist so I made the most out of it.

For those of you whose not yet aware, I'll share this one fact about my health: I'm born with a congenital heart problem. My last check-up was eons ago, since in my case, there's really no need for constant check up unless there's gonna be a major change in my body system which is something that I'm experiencing now so I need to make sure I'll be able to live longer, without any health complications in the future.

Before going to Philippine Heart Center, I've thought of what I'm going to say to the cardiologist to make it look like I'm not aware of my heart problem, and to make him request a 2D-echo test for me. See the problem is, I've tried many times to get my 2D-echo approved to be covered by Medicard, a healthcare benefit that I have thru my company, but they kept on declining it because they don't cover a pre-existing sickness. My colleagues told me I shouldn't declare it on my next check-up, so that's what I did today.

My doctor is this old man with thinning grey hair, whom I first thought was the quiet grandpa type but he proved me first impressions aren't always accurate. I sat on the chair in front of his desk, with my hands nervously placed on my lap. He was shuffling these papers on his desk, mumbling to himself without looking up. When he finally did, he met my gaze and began to speak, "You know, young lady, lemme share you something since you're here and I just feel like sharing it.."

I tried hiding my confusion with a polite smile and nod.

He showed me the papers in his hand, "Look at this," he pointed his wrinkled finger on the fine print, "This is Blue Cross' previous rate on basic hospital services; Check-up P450, Blah blah P600, blah blah Pxx"

I kept on nodding but I'm seriously not understanding what he's getting at.

He flipped the next page, "Now, this is recently signed and approved by the hospital director, Blue Cross has lowered their coverage; Check-up at P300?!" he grunted loudly, "This makes the medicine career a prostitution!" he put the papers down, "You know we don't earn much out of HMO, these darn affiliations don't really help us that much.."

I think I'm trying to grasp his point, I thought to myself, 'Hey, my card is HMO, what's that supposed to mean?!'

He began gathering the papers and kept it in his drawer, "But I know the times are hard these days so we gotta help in any way we can, right?"

"Yeah..." I wanna say, 'Can we just get to the reason of why I'm here in the first place?'

He closed his drawer and grabbed my health record that I filled up a few minutes ago, "Alright, let's get down to business."

'Finally.' I thought as I adjusted myself in the chair.

A few questions. My scripted reply. A stethoscope against my chest, breathe in, breathe out. He said he couldn't hear anything wrong in my heartbeat. Then, he finally said the magic words, "I'll request a 2D-echo for you so we can see what's wrong." he pulled out a fresh sheet of paper, wrote down the much needed request and handed it to me, "Bring me back the result on your next check-up, I'll see you in a week."

I took the request sheet, thanked him and left the room. I was guided to the doctor's secretary and I showed her the request sheet. She asked me to sit down, I did and I listened while she called Medicard for approval. I began shuffling my feet in the chair, uh-oh, I wonder if Medicard keeps a record of previous inquiries about patient requests, I hoped to God they don't or I'm doomed to be declined of being covered for 2D-echo again.

The secretary finally hang up the phone, handed me back the sheet and said, "Proceed to the Laboratory Room in the Ground floor."

I gladly thanked her and went on my way. Hah! Covered!

The wait for my 2D-echo test was the longest. When I handed my request sheet to the nurse in charge, he mentioned that the line is awfully long and asked me if I'm willing to wait. I wanted to say, 'How long are we talking about?' but decided that since I'm already here, I might as well wait, so I said "Yes, that's fine." He lined up my paper along with the other patients and said, "Your name will be called, go take your lunch first."

I had lunch at a nearby McD's then went back an hour later. I checked with the nurse if my name has been called and he said no. "You're no. 28, we're serving no. 18."

I decided I'll just stick around to wait and boy, did I wait?! I was back by 12:30 and my name was called at around 3:30! So if you'll include my 1 hour lunch, my wait time is almost 4 freaking hours?! Oh well. I found out from other patients that the 2D-echo costs P4,000 and being exempted from paying that is enough for me not to feel so bad about waiting.

The result wouldn't be in 'till the next 3 business days or I could just get it on my next doctor's appointment. Good. I left Philippine Heart Center feeling good that I was able to accomplish what I came here for and most importantly, by next week, I'll know if I'm gonna live healthily ever after...

It's Decision Time

2010-07-15T06:58:00.000-07:00

07-03-2010 Saturday

What I expected to be a long talk turned out to be a very brief one, didn't even last half an hour. Actually, it's not much of a conversation because all I did was listen while they talk, it looked like an orientation more than anything. I know what to say, know what to answer to every question that they have, but I can't seem to bring myself to speak out, I just sat there, all ears on them, nodding yes or no to easy questions.

This is the part when they needed me to make the decision. It's either my religion or Alex. The answer is easy, my religion of course, however, a very big part of me still wishes to have both. Maybe I can still convince Alex, maybe I can still talk to him about it, if I will just stay calm, not raise my voice and be patient with him, maybe I can bring him to say yes to me.

They asked me if I still have a constant communication with Alex. I dropped a big fat lie of no. They asked me where am I staying, I dropped another big fat lie of staying with my gramma's brother. The more I lie, the harder it is to tell them that 'hey I'm choosing my religion over him, just give me time because I still wanna convince him to try again.' Easy words to say but I can't force them out of my mouth.

Ka Ric told me that if I really wanted to make Alex convert then I all I have to do is continously pray for that and it'll work out fine. What I couldn't tell him is that I've been praying for it for months but there's still no answer until now. I couldn't tell him because I'm afraid he might say, 'well, then, if God's not answering it, could it be that he's not really the one meant for you? Maybe there's somebody else out there. Maybe you need to forget him and just move on..' Funny how I'm filled with If's, but's, and maybe's lately.

They gave me one week to talk to Alex and then, I can tell them my decision. I said that's fine even though in the back of my mind, I'm calculating how short one week is going to be. It'll ruin what I plan to do. I don't intend to bring up the talks of religion until my dear sweet revenge is born. He might be aware of his responsibility by now but I think he still doesn't fully understand the gravity of what he'll be carrying in his shoulders, because seriously, neither do I. We can both say we're prepared but when that time comes, we can never tell.

One week. When I go back home next weekend, I have to have a decision already. I should've talked to Alex and we should've come up with something on how it's gonna work for both of us. It's happening all too soon and I'm blaming myself again because I didn't hid well.

When I ask my gramma how they found out, she said that they were seeing me, noticing the changes in me..that is it! They come to that conclusion already?! It's my fault, I should've dealt with my homesickness alone rather than frequently visiting home not thinking that some people has a keen eye on some little changes in a woman's body. Since when did they become masters of the human anatomy? Argh.

I left the house with my mind lost in thoughts. How do I tell Alex? What will he say? Will he still be like before and say things that's gonna hurt me? Will he confront me and diss my religion again?

Oh and by the way, why do things have to be this hard?

Not a Good Start

2010-07-04T03:21:00.000-07:00

07-01-2010 Thursday

Being late sure isn't a good way to start a new month, is it? Heck, for the first time ever since I started living away from home, I woke up late. I couldn't believe it myself, how could I have overslept?! Oh, and why is it that my handy li'l celly did not alarm?!

I had a plan of rendering overtime today to make more money, so I set my alarm to buzz me at 4 in the afternoon. Well, surprise, the darn thing did not alarm. I was lying in bed wondering why is it that when I opened my eyes, I was hearing a late night program blaring from the TV of the other boarder's room. First I thought it was just a commercial but when I heard continous sappy scripted conversations, I snapped up in bed, reached for my cellphone to check the time and my shoulders slumped down when I saw that it's almost 10 in the evening. There's one new message from my manager reminding me not to be late since I'm the only one who's not there yet.

I contemplated on whether I'll still go to work, or just call in sick. If I go to work, I'll probably be there before 12 midnight, my shift starts at 9pm..I counted with my fingers, it's not late, it's half day but at least I still get paid, I decided I'll just render overtime after my actual shift. I need the money, I thought of this one day that I'm gonna lose in my salary and I realized that I can't afford to be a lazyass, got bills to pay and stuff to buy.

Good thing Alex left me some food in the pot. I breathed a sigh of relief because I don't have to cook! I didn't bother heating it, I opened the pot, grabbed a plate and indulged. I took a quick bath, got dressed and rushed outside.

I was able to log in at 11:30pm. I only did a 30 minute overtime by the end of the shift. The calls kept coming in and my stats doesn't look good so I decided I can't risk a 1 hour overtime. Not a chance I'm gonna risk taking in more calls with less sales, this is the hardest part of being in Inbound sales. Sigghh.

My manager is not pleased. I told her the truth, that I woke up late. She knows my situation but there's no acceptable reason in this type of job for someone to be late. Gee, now I'm thinking I have to buy an alarm clock unless someone would be kind enough to call me at a specific time that I wanna wake up so my phone would ring it's exotic scream. I really can't figure out why the alarm on my cellphone just stopped working. One important feature that I really need since there's no one to wake me up in the afternoon, unless Alex is at home or it's his day off. Alarm clock? Another stuff to buy. I hope I can find one that's really cheap but works.

When I got home in the morning, I told Alex that I'm late and it's because of the alarm in my cellphone not working. He laughed at me and said that I should get another cellphone.

I scowled at him, "You'll buy me a phone?"

It's his turn to scowl, "Why would I?"

I laughed, "Let's buy an alarm clock, then"

"Fine." he said, grabbing a pillow and burying his face under it.

I lie down beside him, and when my body touched the bed, I instantly dozed off.

Breaking News

2010-07-04T03:18:00.000-07:00

06-28-2010 Monday

I was in the middle of a dream I can't remember when I heard the loud screaming ring of my handy little cellphone. You wouldn't believe how loud this small thing is when it rings, it's the kind of ring that you can hear from a good 500 meters away, I swear it can break your eardrum if you hold it against your ear while it's ringing.

I forced myself to sit up, grabbed my cellphone that's sitting on the table beside the bed and answered it with a groggy, "Lo?"

"Hi! Neng?!" I immediately recognized my mom's shrill voice.

I looked at my cellphone and noticed that the number is not listed on my contacts. "Mom?"

"Yeah, it's me!" she spoke hastily, "Listen, I'm just calling to let you know that if Ka Remy texts you, tell her that you're in Quezon City, and that you're living with your uncle, okay?"

I was getting confused, "Uhh..."

Before I could say anything, she continued, "She already knows about your situation! She wanted to talk to you when you go home this Saturday, okay?"

"Okay.." my mouth went dry. Someone in our religion circle already knows.

"Oh and Ka Ric also, he's gonna talk to you this Saturday, what time will you be home?"

They knew? "Uhmm.. Saturday morning.."

"Great." I heard my gramma mumbling in the background. "You can come back home now!"

My mind was reeling fast. "Who's number is this by the way?" I asked while trying to put my thoughts together.

"Annabelle's, our neighbor! Well, gotta go, we only loaded it with the minimum amount needed to make a call."

"Uhmm. Okay see-" the line went dead. I put my phone down and remained seated on the bed.

I was worried, confused, sad..well, I don't know how I'll feel. I was also wondering how did they find out? I thought my escape is a perfect one. I thought I hid well. How and why? That's something for me to find out when I get home this weekend.

I was also thinking about what my mom said: 'I could go back home'. I don't have to hide anymore. I don't have to stay here in Manila. I can go back home and be taken care of. This is what I wanted right? I should be happy and relieved, shouldn't I?

Oh no!! The fact that I'm confused and sad about leaving Alex spells trouble. Does this mean that I'm starting to get used to living with him? I'm having a hard time trying to cope but maybe, somewhere in the dark corner of my heart and mind, I'm starting to like this part of our relationship.

Even though, sometimes we're still having some minor fights that makes me mad at him, makes me think that he doesn't really care, makes me wanna give up, we're always able to make up that same day or the day after that fight which for me, is a good improvement in our relationship. I'm beginning to think that we're both starting to grow and help each other mature.

I glanced around our small room and suddenly, the thought of leaving it makes me sad. The four corners of this room has been a witness to the short time we have spent together. The TV we just bought this weekend caught my attention. Shit. To think that we recently bought this TV to beat my boredom here when I'm alone? We also bought the electric fan. Why am I silly enough to buy stuff that wouldn't have any use once we split up, once all this is over? Who will take over these things? I wouldn't want to take these with me, it's be too much of a memory.

I stood up and noticed his t-shirt lying on the top bunk of our bed. I held it in my hands, then, I wept. If I tell him that I have to go back home, will he stop me? If I tell him that I have to end our relationship because of religion differences, will he tell me that he'll give our religion another try? I doubt it. He has been too specific that I can make him do anything except convert his religion. We can talk about anything except religion. It has been the root cause of our worse fights and it fears me to go back into that argument with him.

Then, there's the thought of my gramma worrying about me living far away from her. The thought of her always waiting for me in the house, with Damien in her heels. I know that she's someone who will always stay with me even if the rest of the world walks out. I want to be with her again of course. Now that I'm being given the freedom to go back to her, what's holding me back?

To answer my question, I'll go back to the reasons why I chose to live with Alex:

1. To hide.
2. For Alex not to get away from his responsibility. (If I'm gonna suffer, then so will he, remember?)
3. ...

Well, basically that's it. Reason no. 1 can be crossed out of the list because other people already knew. That leaves me with just one reason. We are good being together, we are able to work things out when we're together, but being apart, we're not beaufiful apart.

What now? I guess we'll all find out this weekend...

Just Another Weekend Conversation

2010-07-04T03:14:00.000-07:00

07-27-2010 Sunday

I can remember names but matching names to the faces? Don't count me on it, I'm terrible with that. That's why if you'll notice some of my posts, I give 'alias' to some people whom I can't directly name. It's not because I'm being downright rude by calling 'em ms. fat bitch or ms. lesbo bitch, it's because I simply can't quite remember their parent-given names. Ugh.

With that introduction in mind, lemme call this person who's a part of this post as...(drumroll please...) Ms. Good Lesbo. Don't ask me why this boarding house appears to be a lair of third sex members, mostly lesbos, even though I've lived here for a month now, I still can't tell why.

Anyways, this is the conversation we've had while we were seated outside the boarding house on this warm Sunday evening.

"How's it going with you and Alex?" she asked, pulling her chair closer to mine.

I was sitting outside, looking at Alex as he fixes something on the owner type jeep that belonged to the fat bitch upstairs. I didn't take my eyes off of Alex as I answered her, "Going well, so far."

"Good to know that.." she has been a witness to one of the worst fights I've had with Alex. "You know things will change once.." [had to edit some phrases for privacy! :) ]

"Hopefully.." I said with a sigh, still looking at Alex who's so caught up with connecting wires on the back of the jeep.

"Don't get married yet, not until you're 100% sure about him. He's still a bit irresponsible"

I nodded, "Yep. But to be fair with him, he has changed a bit. Like, money is not much of an issue for him anymore. We used to argue about it but now, it doesn't take a lot for him to spend some money for me, for us.."

"Is he starting to save some money?" she asked, fumbling in her pocket for a cigarette stick.

I eyed the stick of black Marlboro menthol that came out of her pocket and for a brief second, I drooled on the thought of tasting that forbidden cigarette again. "That's a problem.. How can he save, he's still stuck on his debts because of his mistress, that damn motorcycle" I pouted my mouth to point at his motorcycle parked nearby.

She laughed at my comparison. "Yeah, well as long as he keeps on showing his mature and responsible side to you, there's hope. But of course, don't expect much. We still don't know what's gonna happen. Even though, I'm positive that he'll change eventually, you just wait."

I looked at the smoke she's blowing from the cigarette, "That's what I'm doing..waiting."

"How's your gramma, by the way?" she has seen and talked to my gramma already.

The smoke suddenly looked blurred in my eyes, "She's fine but I know she misses me. She visited me here last week, just wanna check on me if I'm doing okay."

She tossed the cigarette butt away, I watched the flame on it die. "Your gramma really loves you."

I looked down, "She does."

A loud sound blasted from the jeep. Ahh, Alex has probably installed some new speakers on it. One of his hobby is tinkering with electrical stuff, sound system, cable connections, speaker installations, you name it, he can do it. Even car and motorcycle fixtures. Brownie point for him.

"Who keeps your gramma company?"

"My mom, who's still not doing well. Doesn't have a job yet." I scowled at the thought of my mom. "You see, I take care of everything financially. I pay for the rent there, I pay for half of the rent here, I give them money for food, electric and water bills and medicines for my mom..It's hard to make ends meet, most of the time, I don't have any money left for myself."

She gave me a comforting pat at the back that means she completely understands. "Don't worry, it'll pass. You'll get through it. You're a good and responsible daughter."

I know she intended it as a compliment but I felt like those words are inappropriate for someone like me. All I said was, "Thanks."

A loud cry of a kid interrupted us and she looked up, "Sounds like the kids are fighting again, I gotta check on 'em upstairs before bash each others skull."

I smiled, "Yeah, you go ahead."

I stood up and walked to join Alex in the jeep. I popped my head inside the jeep. "What's for supper?" I shouted for him to hear me.

He lowered the volume down, "What?"

"Supper?"

"Ya hungry already?"

"Uh-huh.."

He began gathering the tools he has used, "Give me a sec to fix these stuff and I'll buy food for us. What would you like?"

I smiled at him sweetly, "I'll give you time to clean up there and by the time you're finished, I'll be ready to tell you what food I would like."

It's still drizzling so I thought of a warm soup to eat for supper. What a way to end the day! ...and I'm gone..

Remembering What It's Like

2010-06-28T05:14:00.000-07:00

06-24-2010 Thursday

I had no idea that it's gonna rain so imagine my surprise when the rain poured while we were on the way to the office. Alex had to stop, and we ran for cover at the nearest establishment that has a roof. We ended up in a bakery store at a corner somewhere in Munoz.

"Just great.." I muttered under my breath as I took off my jacket that almost got wet.

"Good thing we left early.." he said, "It's only 8:30, hopefully this rain will stop sooner."

"Yeah." I looked around. The rain seemed to pour down harder. 'This is not looking good..' I thought. Then, I glanced at Alex, he looked thoughtful while observing the people around us, his arms folded in front of his chest.

I remembered something while looking at him. A year before, probably around the same time as today, this is exactly how we were. He would pick me up in the house and take me to the office with our motorcycle (at that time, it was the Honda Alpha). When it would rain, we would stop before we got wet, wait for the rain to stop then continue speeding away.

Based on the occasional rain we're experiencing, I'm guessing that summer has officially ended. Well, I'm hoping that it has ended. I wanted to feel the cold weather again, like the year before when life was simpler.

June is ending. I've been in love with Alex for 1 year and 2 months now. I was thinking that when he looked at me, "What is it?" he asked.

I shook my head, told him it's nothing. Then, I went back to thinking. For the record, he's still the only guy that has lasted this long with me. He's still the only guy that I've loved this long. Most relationships last for years and years but for me, this is seriously breaking the record.

As the rain continued to pour, I remember more and more random things about me and Alex. The day I met him at 7-11, his boyish smile that told me 'Hey you you'll fall in love with me for sure', the trials we've been through (and still going through), and the changes that has happened to us both individually and as lovers. It makes me think, 'Did I grow up? Am I more mature now?' maybe a little, but I feel a huge change in me..something remarkable that I can't point it out specifically. Is it because of him? Because of the thing that's binding us now?

There's something in me that has changed dramatically. Something I can't really explain but it's just there. It's a good something. Whatever it is, I'm glad that at least I can look back at my relationship with Alex as a life-changing experience. I can be happy about it even if we don't end up being together in the long run. But of course, it would be better if it's a nice li'l happy ending.

As for some changes in Alex, I noticed that he has plans for the future. He talks to me about it. He's starting to get rid of some of his vices, like excessive spending on stuff for his motorcycle, or his drag racing stance. His friend has even mentioned that he no longer goes to this place in Macapagal where drag racings are always held. He appears to be changing to be a better person as well. I'm glad to see him in that healthy state of being. The sad thing is, it's not a guarantee that I'm gonna stay with him. Why? One word: Religion.

I was still lost in thoughts when he tugged me in the arm. "Let's go, the rain has stopped." he said, handing me back my helmet.

I love him. That's all I know for now. If this works out, then I'll be glad, if it doesn't, then I'm hoping I'll eventually learn how to deal with the pain.

Believing?

2010-06-23T06:55:00.000-07:00

06-23-2010 Wednesday

I was fuming mad and on the verge of tears on the way home. I was so sleepy I can barely keep my eyes open while walking, it was almost 7:30 when I reached the corner street where I would wait for a jeepney going Quiapo and getting a jeep is a bitch. It's rush hour, people going to their respective jobs and schools so that means, most jeeps are full. It took me almost 15 minutes to get a ride and I have to squeeze myself in to fit.

I kept on checking my cellphone, hoping to hear something from Alex. None. Just great, I shouldn't have expected. His ass is probably still snoring loudly. He ain't a morning person, and I know that's gonna be hard to change but it irritates me sometimes that he can't get himself to try to sleep early so he could get a better chance of waking up early to pick me up.

Traffic is a bitch. It's always taking me an hour before I reach the house and I was dead tired that all I wanna do is roll on the ground instead of walk.

When I reached the house, I noticed that the door was open and the light was on. That's weird, I thought Alex is still sleeping like he always do whenever I would get home. My eyebrows were crossed and I had my mouth curved upside down when I entered our room.

I found Alex sitting on the bed, looking guilty as he faced me. He has this boyish smile on his face and he scratched his head looking like a pre school boy that did not do his homework. I sat on the chair to take my shoes off. Then, I noticed something on the bed and all of a sudden, my anger has been washed out.

He has prepared me a nice breakfast which is a big surprise. Scrambled eggs, some hot pandesal and a steaming cup of chocolate drink. My stomach growled and I was suddenly hungry. He did not pick me up but he made up for it by preparing me breakfast? Unbelievable.

I finally smiled, wiped the sweat off my brows and began eating. We had breakfast together. I'm not used to him doing that for me, I've known him to be a lazyass in the morning and I'm sure this preparation is not something he's used to either. But, I'm glad he did exert an effort to make it up to me.

Will this mean I'll start believing that he's really starting to care for real? I think I better not. When I start to believe, I start to hope, I begin to wish impossible things and I might end up getting hurt again. I don't want to take that risk. I'd rather be on the safe side and deal with these things casually.

Ok, to be fair with him, I'm starting to see some changes as far as him being a responsible partner. Even though, most of the time, I have to remind him to do things, at least he does it. In regards to the future, on more than one occasion, he has even talked about it with me, which is also something new. I wanted to think that he's really seeing the future with me but I'm still not counting on it until we get to the hardest part--which is talks about religion. When he start talking to me about our religion differences, then that's probably the time that I'll really begin to believe in us being together for good. Until that time, I'll be holding on to my feelings.

This might work out. It may not. Whatever..I'm here to make the most out of this life that I've been given. Expect less. Keep the faith. Remain strong and steadfast. Wherever this road is gonna lead me, what mattered is that I enjoyed the ride.

Gramma Day

2010-06-22T00:16:00.000-07:00

06-21-2010 Monday

"Here we are." I announced dramatically as I held the door open to our room.

My gramma took a quick peek inside as she unslips her sandals off of her feet.

"Whatchu think?" I asked her, smiling my well practiced smile.

She went inside and sat on our double deck bed. I followed, still smiling.

I'm an actress in a role for this day. My gramma wanted to visit me in the house where I stay with Alex and since today is still my day off, I invited her over. I practiced every good thing I'm gonna say, the way I'm gonna smile, and the way I'm gonna act around her, for her not to notice any hint of loneliness in me. I want her to know that I'm doing well, and I'm happy to be here. That way, she doesn't have to worry much about me.

"There's no window?" I can't blame her if that's the first thing she noticed.

I shook my head, "But I keep this door open so it wouldn't be so hot in here." I pushed the door to open wider, "See?" my jaw is starting to hurt from my teeth baring smile.

She nodded thoughtfully. "I see." her eyes scanned the room. "This is small but at least you're getting by."

"Course I am." I said but I really wanted to say, 'No, it's hard getting used to it, sometimes I feel confined and locked alone when Alex is not here.'

"And it looks quiet here." she remarked.

"It sure is." then, I thought, 'except for those snotty brats from upstairs.'

"How's everything in here?" she asked.

I couldn't look at her directly, "Good. Everything's...Uhmm..okay." 'No it's not okay, I wanna go home so bad, I'm homesick and sad.'

"Glad to hear that."

I don't know if she really bought it, or if she just wanted me to see that she's believing me. Whatever it is, the unspoken words will remain hanging in the air. No need for me to say what I really feel. No need for her to worry.

Alex left for work so I spent the entire day with gramma. First, we went to the flea market. She taught me how to determine which is a fresh meat, which is not. Then, she taught me how to cook menudo. We had lunch together, and I treated her to Chowking for a halo-halo as our dessert.

At around 2:30, she said she has to go because she doesn't wanna be stuck in traffic when it's already late. I went to the jeepney stop with her. We bid goodbye, she kissed me on the cheek before hopping on the jeep that will take her home. She looked outside the window and waved at me, I waved back, trying my best to still smile.

I turned my back before the jeep went on it's way. If I looked at it too long, I might hop on the jeep with her, tell her to take me home so I can be with her and Damien.

When I got back in the room, I lie down in bed and cried. I thought about her coming home, with Damien greeting her happily. I thought about Damien probably would have a look in his eyes that would ask her where am I, why am I still not yet home. I thought about how good it feels to hug Damien whenever I'm coming home, to be at our house, to be taken care of, instead of doing things my own.

At least, my gramma knows that I'm doing okay. At least, she doesn't know how lonely and homesick I really am. At least, she doesn't need to worry too much about me. At least, she's somewhat relieved, to know that everything is fine.

In that case, then, all the burden is mine.

Revenge will be Born

2010-06-20T03:09:00.000-07:00

6-19-2010 Saturday

I laughed when I heard the woman said what it is. I've been wishing for it, almost expecting it, and it did happen. If I wasn't lying down, I could've hugged the woman and did a somersault right there in the laboratory room. I looked at Alex, he was also smiling, unknowing. I laughed even more at that. If only he knew that what I have inside me will be the revenge I planned for him, then I doubt if he'll still be smiling that proud smile.

When we left the lab, he said we better eat out because we're both happy. I agreed. We dined at McD's, the best fast food I could afford. He looked excited now that he knows, and that's the way I like him to be.

Another surprise this weekend is that it happened to be our day off (a phenomena that rarely happens) so after eating out, we went home and just took the time to rest. He played Need for Speed on the computer while I lie in bed, holding the result of the lab test in my hand. I'm so happy I can't help but smile as I held it. He glanced at me occasionally and he would scratch his head.

While we're in the room, our neighbor called us for a meal with them. It's our neighbor's birthday and I'm thankful I didn't have to prepare food tonight. We headed to our neighbor's house. Good food is everywhere. There's spaghetti, nachos, chips, ice cream, pork liempo and of course, bottles of beers for them boys. Did I say celebration?! This is perfect timing for what I'm celebrating today. I smiled again.

For the record, I have smiled more than 3 times in a single day today. Move over, grumpy me, there's finally a reason to be happy about.

Perfect Mask

2010-06-20T03:07:00.000-07:00

06-18-2010 Friday

Before my scheduled leave today, my last day at work didn't go well, it was so ugly that I would hate to remember it but of course, it will always be in the back of my mind as a reminder whenever I would put my mask on. Yep, when I get back to work next week, I plan to put a perfect mask on, the mask of a deserving employee, an employee with closed eyes and shut mouth who sees no evil, hears no evil and speaks no evil. How hard could it be? I could be an actress, I can fake it, no worries.

Sorry if I'm confusing y'all, but ok, I'll briefly explain myself though I don't expect to be understood. I'm a loudmouth at the office. Whenever I'm having a bad day with the bad calls coming in, I am very outspoken about it. I say what I feel and if I'm badmouthing the company, it is because it actually sucked and 'sucked' is too mild a term for all the other vulgar words I could think of for this account we can simply call Sprint. I'm not the only tenure agent who feels this way, I know that for a fact. The reality is, OUR ACCOUNT SUCKED.

Reasons why I'm staying? 1. I love the company of friends that I have in my team. 2. My manager is a good friend/sister/confidante. 3. NCO is a nice company to work for, it has become a parent that nurtured me for three years. 4. Ugh.. ????? I can't think of any other valid reason for staying. The salary? You kidding me? My basic pay can be doubled with another company. So it's really not for the money even though I seriously need it. It also mattered to me that I'm with the people I love working with.

As it turns out, my hate and bitterness for the account has been too obvious yesterday (and the other day, well I have two bad calling days what can I say?!) and my manager has become negative about it. She talked to us after our shift, though she has called the entire team, I know that it's mostly me she feels negative about. She said the usual thing a manager would say like, 'love your job, let's be positive about it, if you're gonna be badmouthing the company what does it say about me, it makes me look ineffective yada yada...' you know, the usual bullshit they get from I don't-know-who.

My manager is a wonderful person, very kind, caring and understanding, but the manager side of her is still the type who's in favor of the company, or maybe that's just what I'm thinking..or maybe she really loves her job that much. She's a compassionate leader to us, she has done way too much for things to be in our favor and there's really nothing bad I can say about her, it's just that, sometimes, this is one of those times, when I feel like she's wearing the ideal manager mask.

I wonder if they get it from training? If you become a manager, do you have to become more than one type of person? Do you have to, sometimes, hide your realistic side to be in favor of the company? I may not make sense because I can't explain myself really well in regards to this topic but hell, I hope some people can get the gist of what I'm trying to say.

While she talked, I remained quiet even though I wanted to contradict everything she's saying, out loud. I just can't. She'll feel more negative if she realizes how I really loathe this account that we're in. Besides, if I tell her the reason why I'm staying, she'll just say, 'You don't work for me'. Well, yeah that's kinda true. But we work because she's there. She wouldn't like that answer, she wanted to hear us say, 'yay we love our job, the calls are great! No pressure! No worries! Jump for joy!'

I don't like repeating myself so just search for my post about why we can simply get a job elsewhere. The answers are there. We are damn good sellers but they can never blame us if the calls they're giving us are bullshits.

So that's what happened. She wants us, I mean me specifically, to stop whining, love the job, be thankful that we still have the account, and be happy that we're still together. Oh yeah? I raised my eyebrow on the last part. Be happy? Yes, I'm happy with the team and whenever we would just laugh about how ugly the calls are, she'll be like, 'let's not be too happy if we don't have a sale yet.' Ok, lemme get this straight, you don't want us laughing, and you don't want us whining about the calls? What will we be, then? Ahh I know.. Find a perfect agent mask: Cover up what you really feel. Be a fucking stone, devoid of emotions and human feeling.

That's what I'll definitely do when I get back to work next week. I can't wait. No more hateful me. No more loudmouth me. No more cursing while on mute. I'll be so fucking quiet you wouldn't even notice that I'm there. CAN'T FUCKING WAIT.

Evident Changes

2010-06-20T03:06:00.000-07:00

06-16-2010 Wednesday

I knew that Alex just happened to wake up early yesterday that's why he was able to pick me up at work. Today, I'm not mistaken that he's probably still snoring by the time I got out of the office.

I got out at a little after 7 in the morning and it's hard getting a jeepney that goes straight to Quiapo. I'm used to commuting everyday but I hate hate it when I have to wait forever for a jeepney or when I find myself stuck in traffic. I encountered those two things that I hate and I wished Alex did pick me up because it took me an hour before I reached our house! To think that I live nearby, the length of time it took me is almost equal to the time it will take me if I go home to Caloocan.

The sun is already up when I walked the busy morning street in Blumentritt. Alex texted me, asking me where I am and apologizing that he didn't wake up early enough to pick me up. Yeah, as expected. I didn't bother to reply, what's the use if I'm just 10 steps away from our house?

I opened the door to our room and there he was, lying in bed, holding his cellphone. He had this guilty smile on his face when he saw that I wasn't smiling. I was too tired to argue though so I put my things down, went to the bathroom for a quick shower, changed into fresh clothes and headed back to the room.

I was almost at the door when I caught a glimpse of my half body reflection in the mirror against the wall on my side. I stopped to scrutinize at my features. I faced the mirror, then I faced my left, then to the right, my eyes not leaving my reflection. As I did that, I begin to notice the changes happening in me and it worries me so much because it means the time is getting nearer when I could no longer visit my gramma. I'll be going home to her tomorrow so this is something that we need to talk about. I wanted her to be the one to visit me but with my mom to take care of at home, not to mention the house chores, I know she can't always travel back and forth to see me.

It makes me sad again. I wish it wouldn't happen this soon but it's something I can't control. Once the evident changes begin to occur, then it's fast forward from that, there would be no turning back anymore. It will be me, hiding away in Manila, far away from gramma. I know that this isn't really the right thing to do but we have ran out of options. This is not the best way to deal with the matter at hand but it's too late to undo my mistakes.

When I lie down in bed, I didn't fall asleep immediately. My biggest mistake for this day is drinking more than 2 cups of brewed coffee. I have a lot of things in mind, my body is tired, yet I can't sleep. Even after Alex left to go to work, I'm still awake, thinking.

I wish I could change things..instead of letting things change me...

Still On the Process

2010-06-20T03:05:00.000-07:00

06-14-2010 Monday

This may sound silly but I swear I cried after being able to fry a fish in the pan. I've been trying, for years, to get over my fear of frying fresh meat or fish in a pan of hot cooking oil. It hurts when the oil splatters out of the pan and hit you right? I hate that. Since I'm starting to learn how to cook more types of food, I figured I'll eventually get to the part when I would have to face this fear so I gathered up all the courage I have when I told Alex that I'll be preparing fish for lunch.

Good thing I remembered what my gramma taught me about cleaning the fish. It was hard, I feel a bit grossed out and I almost cut my finger but I did it. Goddamn, I did it.

I took care of preparing lunch while Alex did the laundry. When he finished, I'm already cooking the rice. We stayed in the room to rest before eating. He popped a dvd in the computer and began watching. I lie down in bed, I wasn't looking at the computer monitor, I was looking at the plate of fried fish that sat on the table beside our bed. It looks like something my gramma would prepare and when I thought about it, my eyes just leaked. I'm missing my home again. I'm missing my gramma and the food she usually cooks for me. I may be on the process of growing up away from home, and I'm trying to get used to it but sometimes, it's still hard to get by.

Alex noticed me crying and he sat on the bed, looking alarmed, "What's wrong? Why?" he held my face to wipe my tears.

Not so Alex, I thought. When we were not yet living together, he would scold me for crying, telling me that I'm always being such a drama queen so I am surprised with the way he acts lately. It's like he's really starting to care. Well, maybe miracles do happen.

I told him I'm alright, that I just remembered something and I'm tired with the household chores. I have told him that I'm not used to doing all the work at home, he knows how I am treated when I was living with my gramma so he can definitely understand where I'm coming from.

"It's okay" he said, "I appreciate all your hardwork, I'll make it up to you."

'If you say so.' I can only say that in my head. His 'I'll make it up to you' line is something I don't really count on. He has some habits that would be hard to change, changes don't happen overnight, but it would be nice if he will start being more responsible in the house.

The rice got cooked and we ate outside the house with our adopted mate, Doraemon. It was nice to eat outside, warm and sunny, I had my one knee up and we ate with our hands, forget about utensils, those will only add up to the things to wash and clean.

Alex went to work at around 2 and I'm left at home to contemplate if I've really grown up eversince I made this decision to live alone and face the responsibilities ahead of me. I came up with a blank answer.

Seriously, what would it take for me to grow up? More cooking lessons? Attend anger management classes? It should begin with myself yeah, but I can't find the answer within me on where to begin. Help!

Valuable Time

2010-06-20T03:04:00.001-07:00

06-13-2010 Sunday

Does everyone understand how valuable time is? A time wasted is something you can never get back, once it's lost, it's gone forever, no second chances. I don't know if it's part of the emotional changes I'm going through but lately, I've been valuing time, been paying so much attention to it and on how I can divide it between the people that mattered to me. I wanna spend as much time as I could with the people I care about, make sure they're happy, healthy and living well.

I go home as often as I could while I still can. I try to spend time with Alex whenever it's his off. I try to always keep an open communication with my present and former colleagues. I felt like my heart is a big, open chamber for all the people I love. I only have a few important people on my list but my heart felt so big and full of them. I love to love them, I just wanted them to remember me as someone full of love to share. Like I mentioned, we can never tell when time will be over and separate us. Possibilities, endless possibilities. My imagination is running wild, my feelings are open wires, sensitive even to the slightest touch so you'd have to bare with me, you can call it, one of those days for me.

Maybe it's also because I have a severe case of home sickness, it could be the reason why I feel so emotional about people and things lately. Emotional changes, understanding and trying to deal with the difficult things, are these all part of growing up process? Gasp! Does this mean I'm growing up? Finally? For real? Wow.

Ok, I'm starting to learn how to cook (2 meals under my belt *wink), I'm doing the laundry, I'm trying to be more patient and understanding, in short, I'm trying to be the perfect partner in the house. This time with Alex is temporary, I don't want any blames or any bad separation when the time comes that I will go back home. I only want him to remember me as someone, even for a short period of time, who cared and loved him.

I don't know why but it suddenly mattered to me on how I would leave a lasting impression on people. I began thinking that when I'm gone, I want people to think positive and happy thoughts with me. Now, do all people think of that? Maybe the good ones, the types of people who probably has a one way ticket to heaven because of their goddamn kindness. What about for those people like me, who has made tons of mistake, most of which has caused pain to my family. Do I have the right to even think about being good now?

Something makes me worry, this something makes me think about trying to change my life to be a better person. This something tells me that time might be running out for me..and I have to run for it, get ahold of it before it slips away. I'm dying to live, every single day...because life might pass me by and I can't, no I won't let that happen. And when my time is over, I can look back on my existence as something that did happen, that I've lived a memorable life worth remembering.

Good Food, Good Weekend

2010-06-20T03:02:00.000-07:00

06-12-2010 Saturday

After being able to cook Pork Steak and Adobo, I almost cried with joy as I consider myself genius. 2 meals that I already know how to cook and yeah right of course there's more to go but heck, it's better than nothing right? I'm no longer a dummy when it comes to cooking, hurrah! Though, I'm still saddened with the fact that I still feel tired and worn out after spending a good quality time in front of the hot stove and I seem to have lost my appetite already even before indulging in the food that I prepared myself. I've solved my problem in cooking some basic food, but my problem of getting tired remains.

It's a Saturday. It's my day off and lo, would you believe, it happened to be Alex's day off also. Woo, things like this rarely happen so after I got home from work, I prepared myself for long hours of sleep. I can let Alex prepare the food and everything, I'm dead tired from talking to some dumb people all night.

When I opened the door to our room, I turned on the lights and saw him lying on his side, hugging the pillow tightly, sleeping like a baby. For a second I envy him, he was asleep all night while I'm beaten up at work, God I really wish to have a day job. I didn't bother waking him up, I grabbed the towel hanging at the back of the door, went to the bathroom to clean up and change my clothes, then I went back to the room and lie down beside him.

It must be an hour or so that has passed when I felt him waking me up. I forced my eyes to open, and I saw him looking down at me. "What.." I asked, my voice groggy.

"We need to line up your information for the doctor's appointment." he said.

Shoot. I forgot. I scheduled my first check up in Chinese General Hospital for this day. I cringed at the thought of going there half asleep but I dragged my ass to get out of bed.

"It'll only be a minute." he told me. "After you filled up the forms, we'll go home and just come back later around 5 pm."

Fair enough, I thought to myself.

Surprisingly, he's right. I filled up one small form and we're out. I almost crawled back home, that's how tired I am. I fell asleep again the moment my body touched the bed.

I woke up to the sound of Alex walking around the room. I opened my eyes. I saw him carrying our small pot, placed it on the floor. He went out and went back in, this time carrying our small plate that contained the Adobo that I cooked yesterday. The smell drifted inside the room and I'm suddenly hungry.

He sat on the side of the bed and gently tapped my arms, thinking I'm still asleep. I looked at him. "Wake up and eat." he said, smiling.

"W-What time is it?" I asked him. My head hurt a bit and it's still due to lack of sleep so I thought it's still around noon.

"4:30, hurry up, we need to go back to the hospital by 5."

I almost fell out of the bed, "4:30!!? I'm asleep that long?! Why didn't you wake me up earlier?"

"Well, you're tired and I was out anyway." He handed me a plastic bag. "Here's something I bought for you."

I unwrapped it-- siomai! Amazing. I can't believe he's really starting to care. I gladly ate and we headed to the hospital afterward.

After the check-up, he said that Doraemon (a friend of his whom they call Yao but I prefer calling him that because of his undying love for Siopao) will be treating us to a nice dinner because his aunt sent him money. Yay, more good food for this day! We met him up at Puregold Jr. which is just across the street from Chinese General.

They bought liempo, embutido and vodka. I like hanging out with Doraemon. He likes to eat good food, and the best thing about it is he shares it with us. Alex said he's our adopted mate. He eats with us every now and then, and I got used to cooking a rice enough for three people.

When we got home, the two of them prepared the food, while I took a bath. After the preparations, we ate outside the boarding house. Ahh, good food, good company, good laughs on a good weekend.

At least good things still happen to me here. And now, GOOD..night.

Working Gal

2010-06-20T03:01:00.001-07:00

06-08-2010 Tuesday

The work never stops whether it is in the office or at home. Is this really what it's like to be a wife to someone? Ok, we're not married or anything but of course, living together means I get a glimpse of what my life would be if ever we will get married, and to be totally honest, I'm not liking it.

We both go to work, he works during the day which is the usual of course, while I work graveyard and I don't really hate graveyard shift before but now, thinking how inconvenient it is for me when it gets in the way of me trying to get work done in the morning, it makes me wish I have a regular day job as well.

I thought cooking is gonna be the hardest part.. I was wrong. Everything is hard. I should've thought of which one will be the easy part because the rest sucks. People tell me that I'm still trying to adjust to the changes of living with someone and being away from the parent who has taken care of me ever since, although I could agree with them, there's a part, a big part, inside my head that tells me this is not how it's supposed to be.

I'm not spoiled, neither was I pampered too much at home, it's just that, being a working gal is tiring enough that I wanna envision home as a place where I can do nothing but lie down in a comfy bed and sleep, then wake up to a ready to eat meal. It would've been different if I will just stay at home to take care of everything or if I have a day job.

Here I go again, putting the blame on anything and anyone but me. I know that for some people the things that I'm doing are basically normal stuff that every woman with a partner does. My colleague Elaine lives with her boyfriend as well and she seems okay with everything. She goes to work, does render overtime and whenever I text her for advice on cooking, she replies fast, it's like she never sleeps during the day but still, she looks like she has enough energy to still do more. It's not about age, that I know, she's just a year older than me.

So what is it then? Am I the only one whose not used to doing the laundry, going to the market to buy food, cooking and working graveyard all in a span of 24 hours? 24 hours seemed not enough to me lately. I barely have time to close my eyes to sleep and when I do, some idiot kid would break the peacefulness with an annoying scream.

I'd rather be in the office all day, than be a housewife in the future. Now that I'm experiencing, let's say, half of it, it makes me not want to be like that someday. It's not fun to cook meals, I get hungry even before it gets cooked and ready to eat. It's not fun to do the laundry, if you can just see my hands right now, it's peeling so bad. It's not fun to always have to think of what to cook tomorrow and the next day and the next, because it's the more I realize how dumb I am when it comes to preparing a meal.

The fun part? I dunno. You tell me.

Back at It

2010-06-05T21:28:00.000-07:00

06-05-2010 Saturday

"I'm on my way back.." I texted Alex. It was a struggle to text as I clutched the plastic bag containing the meat that my gramma has prepared before I left, my bag on my lap, the umbrella clasped between my knees and a 16 oz. Slurpee in my other hand with it's straw stuck to my lips.

I asked my gramma for instructions on how to cook a pork steak, and aside from instructions, she went ahead and bought the meat for me and prepared it so that when I go back to Blumentritt, all I have to do is cook it. She said it's raining and she doesn't want me to go to the market to buy meat. That's how much she cares for me, and seeing her care so much about me, it makes me not want to go back to Manila.

I held the plastic bag of meat tightly, I can lose my bag and everything but not this meat that my gramma prepared. Traffic is a headache. I left the house at 9 in the morning and I arrived in Blumentritt a few minutes past 11.

I walked to our room, unlocked the door with my key and surprise, I was greeted with a room that suffered from a near destruction. The floor is dirty, the unwashed plates are stacked in the corner, the chair is marked with food stains, and I'm near tears as I looked around the room, wondering where will I begin to fix the mess. I wanted to be mad with Alex but felt pity for him instead, he obviously can't live well on his own. I put down my things on the bed, and opened the pot beside our water jug. There's rice enough for me and sardines. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. Alex can't cook as well, but he's worse than me.

I cleaned the room, washed the dishes, and I realized I still have to do the laundry. Ok, here goes another day for poor lil' me.

I'm back here. I'm back to doing things for myself. It's either I get used to it, or live with it till it's all over.

Rest Day

2010-06-05T21:27:00.000-07:00

06-03-2010 Thursday

I now consider going home as my rest day even though I still have to go to work in the evening. When I'm at home, I don't need to worry about cooking for myself, or going to the market to try and distinguish the difference between a fresh meat and a not-so-fresh one, or washing the dishes before taking a bath and going to work. At home, I can just wake up, smell the aroma of the food waiting for me in the dining table, eat my heart out, take a bath then off I went to work.

I ain't no princess at home, I still do some house chores whenever I can but most of the time, I'm just too beat up at work that I prefer lying in bed to rest. My gramma taught me how to cook when I was younger, but due to lack of practice, I eventually forgot and I grew up to be a 21 year old chick who has no idea at all on what goes on in the kitchen. My gramma has took care of me so much that I start to realize how dependent I've become to her.

I headed straight to our house after work and the thing that I missed the most never failed to greet me: A nice breakfast spread out in the table. My gramma has this look on her face that always means she's happy to see me again, and she missed me. Damien has the same look, plus the endless wagging tail. Do you dare ask my mom? Oh somewhere in bed, sleeping, pleased with herself.

It's never like this when I'm at home with Alex. It's not that I'm complaining with Alex, it's just that living on my own is harder than I thought it would be. My daily routine in Blumentritt is goddamn tiring. I go home to Alex sleeping and snoring, no food, nothing. I skip breakfast, took a quick shower then I sleep. I sleep for a few hours. The screaming of little children everywhere is enough to wake me up every hour. I woke up in the afternoon to go to the market and figure out what to buy, since I don't know how to cook, I usually ended up buying hotdogs, ham, you know stuff that can be fried in the pan. Then, I go home to cook. After everything is prepared I'm no longer hungry and I just force myself to eat for me not to go mad at work. I wash the dishes, clean up the room before I can finally take a bath. In short, I am dead tired even before I walked out the door to leave. Then, work drains me and at the end of the day, I kept on asking myself if I'll still make it alive.

Since there will be another worship service for Saturday, I decided to stay at home till Saturday. I texted Alex to let him know. I need the rest, goddamn it. I almost forgot how good it felt to get some rest when at home. I slept in my comfy bottom bunk of our double deck. I even missed looking out the window as I lie in bed, (in the room where I stay with Alex, there's no window..) I missed the eardrum-breaking bark of Damien whenever he sees people walking outside, I missed the sound of my gramma scolding Damien when he does that..sigh, I miss being at home.

There's no place like home? Tell me all about it..

Will I Ever?

2010-05-30T23:32:00.000-07:00

05-30-2010 Sunday

So can anyone give me an honest answer to this: Am I the only one who hates kids? And, does that make me a bad person?

I don't know why but most people like kids, like they totally adore those bratty tykes as if they're the cutest shit ever. What's up with that? I mean, puppies and kittens are cute, aren't they? The best thing about such creatures is that they grew up to be oyal to you, but kids? Nah, they either grew up to be rebels or they could grow up nice but eventually they'll leave you to live on their own. It's the usual life cycle isn't it?

I have to let it all out in this blog because I doubt that anyone would understand me ranting about hating kids. Sure I know I will be judged by the people reading this but this is merely writings, and the readers can hate me in their minds rather than being told that to my face. Oh God bless the heart of the person who created online blogs.

I'm irritated with kids, the noisy, spoiled ones. Alex, on the other hand, is fond with them. I have to bare with him while he plays with that snotty kid from upstairs and it could've been a good day all in all if it wasn't for that brat. My mood is now ruined and I'm being bitchy with Alex. The more I see him happy with that kid, the more irritated I get. I don't know why but I hate it when there's someone else, not related to us in any way, getting his attention. Yeah, you should know by now how selfish I really am.

My friends say that I'm only saying that because I don't have a child yet of my own but it will change soon. I'm hoping it will but there's little doubt inside me that wouldn't go away.

I'm still in a pretty bad mood when Alex walked into the room after he has taken a bath. He noticed that I'm not paying attention to what he's saying and that my mouth is still curved upside down.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

I rolled my eyes at him.

"C'mere." he ordered as he sat on the bed.

I continued to scowl at him.

He smiled sheepishly, walked towards me and hugged me, "You're jealous of the kid?" he has this smile on his face that makes me less mad.

I didn't say anything.

He laughed at me. I hated him for laughing at me. Or maybe I hated myself for overreacting. What good would it do? I'll never like kids. Never liked 'em before, never will.

Surprise Visit

2010-05-30T23:31:00.000-07:00

05-26-2010 Wednesday

Alex is at work, I'm on leave, it's a boring day so what's left for me to do? I originally planned to go to SM San Lazaro, the nearest SM here, since I haven't been there but then, I thought about the fare I'm gonna spend for that, I would rather just visit home and since it's Wednesday, I can also attend the night worship service. I praised myself for such an excellent idea. Besides, I'm missing my gramma, Damien and my cats badly I wanna see them even if it's just gonna be for a couple of hours.

I took a bath around 4 in the afternoon, got dressed and locked our room before leaving. I rode the jeepney going to Novaliches and as I looked outside the window, I saw the familiar road that will take me back home and the more I realized how much I'm missing to go back to where I really belong.

The traffic was awful but that's nothing new, it's fine with me as long as I can visit home. I arrived in the house at around 6. Good. The worship service starts at 7:45pm. First thing I saw was my gramma eating in the dining table. I barged inside, hands waving at Damien, who noticed me immediately.

My gramma looked surprised and evidently happy to see me. I was also happy to see them again. It's been only 3 days but I felt like I've been gone for weeks already. The house is still organized, I know my gramma has spent hours fixing everything after I left.

She asked me if I'm hungry to which I instantly said yes. She said that she didn't prepare any food, but she has some eggs to cook and I said that's okay as long as I can eat.

She cooked a sunny side up egg and I ate heartily. She asked me how's everything with Alex and I said I can't complain, everything's fine. She asked about my food, the water supply, the room, and I can barely eat while answering all her questions. I didn't tell her that we don't have a stove yet, or that I'm sad because I wanna go home, or that I get bored alone, I left out all those details, I don't want her to worry about me. I can deal with the negatives on my own.

The three of us attended the worship service and afterwards, I have to leave again. I'm not saying goodbye, I kept on saying that I'll be back this weekend. When I left the house, I don't look back, it will be too damn sad. I walked slowly, eyes forward, that's the best I could do to keep myself from running back.

I was back to Blumentritt at around 10 in the evening. Alex still wasn't home. I was mad, thinking that he was out with his friends again. I took a quick shower and when I went back to the room, I saw a new dress that I'm definitely gonna need and shorts with a price tag still attached to them, lying on the bed. I smiled to myself. Alex? Alex bought me a new dress? Ok, maybe he's not that much of an irresponsible jerk unlike what they're all telling me here. Maybe he's worth this afterall. Let's all hope so.

Undeciphered Loneliness

2010-05-30T23:29:00.000-07:00

05-24-2010 Monday

First day after I moved in...

I woke up hungry, restless and sweating. I thought it's late morning already because I can hear people moving around outside the room. The sound of something being fried, spoon and forks hitting the dishes, and chairs moving. The sound I'm hearing reminded of how my gramma always wakes up early in the morning to prepare a hearty breakfast. I grabbed Alex's cellphone from under the pillow to check the time: 5:05 am. A bit too early for someone like me.

I heard voices talking, the sound of the early morning news on TV, mixed with Alex's snoring right beside my ear. I poked his face to wake him up. 'I'm hungry' I whispered to his ear. No response. This guy is really not a morning person, so am I, but the smell of food outside is making me even hungrier.

I decided to try to get some sleep. It was useless. I thought about my gramma at home and I wondered if she's still worried about me. Of course, she's probably worried, like wondering if I'm eating right or if I'm having a hard time doing things on my own. That's the kind of caring person she is.

I closed my eyes and imagined I am back home. I imagined Damien happily wagging his tail at me, I imagined my gramma busy in the kitchen, I imagined my cats playing outside..then I opened my eyes and I'm back to where I really am. I'm with Alex but still, I feel like I'm not complete. I thought this is what I wanted all along but I guess I was wrong.

I'm getting really hungry so I raised hell to wake Alex up. I pinched, slapped, kicked him till he reluctantly got up. We had breakfast at a nearby carinderia. He paid for it. I was thinking if we have a stove, we can save a lot compared to eating outside.

When I mentioned the stove to him, he said he plans to go home to Cavite this weekend to get the stove that's not being used there. I told him to do that, so we can start saving money on our meal. I can't cook so he'll have to live with sunny side up egg and heated canned goods, heh-heh.

After breakfast, we went back. He showered and got ready for work. I kissed him goodbye, wished him luck, he left and I was alone again, with nothing to do but wait for the time to pass.

I tried getting some sleep but it was impossible. What's with the kids from the other room, playing noisily, stomping their little feet, shouting like there's no tomorrow, in other words, the kids here are snotty brats and if there will be a time when all their parents are out, I might strangle those little tykes if I can't help myself. Jesus, I hate kids, especially bratty ones.

Around 4 o'clock, I prepared to go to work. It's too early but I'd rather be there, in an air-conditioned office, than be here locked up in a smoldering hot room, listening to merciless screaming outside.

Leaving early turned out to be a good thing, traffic was heavy and the jeep that I was unfortunate enough to ride, was slower than any type of moving object with wheels. The driver is an old, balding man who strives to call every passenger he can get, from one street corner to the other.

Finally, I reached the office, sweating and slightly mad for the length of time it took me to travel considering that I live near the office now. I struggled to stay awake throughout my entire shift. The only thing that I liked today is I ended up with some good sales, other than that, I'm sad and missing my home and I seriously can't wait to go back.

The Move

2010-05-30T23:27:00.000-07:00

05-23-2010 Sunday

"You take care of her ok? We love her so much so please take care of her.." I overheard my gramma said to Alex as they load all of my stuff in the owner type jeep that he borrowed. Alex's voice was too low so I didn't hear his answer from the room where I sat, brushing my wet hair.

I felt a sudden twang of pain. I'm gonna move out. They're loading my things up in the jeep. I'm leaving my gramma. I pinched myself a dozen times, this is reality, this is really happening.

The funny thing is, I should be happy to be with Alex, that's what I wanted right? I always wait for my day off so I can be with Alex, I want him beside me all the time, I always find myself missing him, then why am I not so happy anymore? I guess it's because of the fact that I realized how much I love my gramma more.

I spent a good amount of quality time with my gramma today. It started when she accompanied me in my scheduled doctor's appointment. We went to the hospital at around 11am, waited for more than an hour for me to be called, then waited another hour or so for the result of the blood test my doctor requested.

After that, we went to Zabarte Mall because I needed to withdraw some cash. She requested for a halo-halo and I'm more than willing to grant that. After I withdrew from the ATM, we dined at Chowking, I was thankful for her senior citizen's ID, the 20% discount is really something.

Then, we went home. She went back to preparing the stuff that I'm gonna bring with me, kitchen utensils, soap, shampoo, toothpaste, she packed them all neatly. We bought the electric fan from our neighbor and she cleaned it as well. Then, she bought a gallon of mineral water for me to bring. She knows all the things that I'm gonna need and more. She even cooked dinner for me and Alex so we can eat before we leave.

Meet my gramma. That's how she is. I hate to leave her even if it's gonna be 3 months at the most, it feels like I'm gonna be gone for a long time.

After we packed everything, we're ready to go. Alex said goodbye to my mom, and went outside where my gramma is. I saw Damien looking up at me, waiting for me to move. I hate to leave that dear dog of mine as well. I kneeled on the floor beside him and scratched his belly. "I'll be back this Saturday, ok?" I told him.

I went outside. My gramma is watching the jeep with a faraway gaze in her eyes. "I'll just think that you wouldn't be too far, you're just a block away.." she said to no one in particular.

"I'll be back this Saturday." was all I could say. I wanted to cry, to hug her, thank her for everything and promise her that I'll never leave, that this move it only temporary but I can't move. I'm frozen with too many mixed emotions.

"Ok, take care." she said to me then she turned to Alex, "Be careful in driving ok?"

"Yes. We'll be going now." he said, then he hopped behind the wheels.

I sat on the passenger's seat. My gramma stood outside the house, watching us.

Alex started the engine. I forced a smile and waved at my gramma. She waved back.

Off we went. I kept on looking back even though I can't see anything but my stuff behind. That's good. It's gonna be harder to look back and see the loved one I'm leaving behind.

Our trip lasted for more than an hour. When we arrived in Blumentritt, we started unloading my things. I was finally able to see the room. It was small but it's enough for the two of us. I'm here but a big part of myself still wants to be with my gramma instead.

I was deep in thought when Alex barged into the room, carrying a big basket filled with his clothes. "These are some of my clothes, can you fold it neatly while I go get more of my stuff upstairs?" he didn't wait for an answer. He dropped the basket near my feet and went out.

I scowled. Some of his clothes? I thought ridiculously staring at the overflowing basket of clothes. 'Here's to something new..' I thought when I picked up a crumpled brief from the basket.

The big move. The start of something? Nah. Temporary, that's what it is. I'm still coming home to gramma. :(

Family Ties

2010-05-23T16:52:00.000-07:00

05-22-2010 Saturday

I don't plan on moving out till the 25th, the day when Alex gets paid, that's why I was surprised when Alex texted me tonight to tell me that we need to move out tomorrow, that he'll swing by to pick me up in the afternoon.

"Why?" I replied.

"There's a lot of people here looking for a room, and they're eyeing that room, I wanted to save that for us." was his reply.

I'm watching a late night TV show, while my mom and gramma are asleep in the floor and the top bunk respectively. I sighed, I wanted to tell my gramma about it but she's already sleeping. "Ok," I typed, "But you pay me half of the rent when you get paid on the 25th, otherwise, I'll cut your ball in half." I mean it, he has to pay me first before anything else comes up, like his monthly installment for his motorcycle.

"I will pay you." was his short response.

Good. Then I thought about it, "What about the stove? I haven't bought one yet, how will I eat? Do we need a TV? Or radio??"

"Relax, don't worry too much. I'll take care of it, the most important thing is getting that room for us, ok? Now get some rest." he's being too carefree. Humph.

"Alrighty. Goodnight. Aren't you gonna say something else?"

"I love you, goodnight." was his last message for the night and I smiled to myself as I placed my cellphone under my pillow.

I stared on the TV, another boring TV commercial for a fast food chain is being shown and I paid no attention to it. My mind is wandering, at the same time, I'm also surprised that I don't feel so excited about it. I'm actually sad, because I will miss my gramma, Damien and my cats and I know that when I tell my gramma about it tomorrow, she'll be sad as well. She hates to let me go but we both know that I have to.

Instead of thinking about the big move, I'm thinking of when I can visit here. I'll be on leave this Tuesday and Wednesday so I'll probably go here. Or what about Saturday? So I can give them money since that's payday.

I stood up and turned the TV off, then I went back to bed, and faced the window, hugging my pillow tight. I heard Damien sneeze and groan before going back to sleep. Damien; I'll miss him as well. I started to cry. I don't even know why. I have Alex already, I have him to where he can't run away from his responsibility, but I'm not that happy anymore. I love being here, at home, with my gramma. If my mom is not here, I would probably take everyone with me--gramma,Damien and my cats.

I want my mom to start working again while I'm away. I want my gramma to stop worrying about me. When my mom starts working, I know she'll worry less because I don't have to be pressured in working too hard to be able to give them money. The more I think about it, the more I become upset with my mother.

When she got out of the rehab, she gave me a letter, saying how much she loves me and she even promised that she'll only rest for a couple of days then, she'll get back to working. A couple of days? I wanna crumple that letter to her face because it has been two fucking months now and her lazyass is still lying around in the house. I'm sorry, I tried to love her again but I can't find that feeling anymore.

I cried silently. I love my gramma. I love being her granddaughter. I never wanted to live with anyone else right now. I wanted to be here, kick my mom out, and live happily ever after with the little family I plan to have. With or without Alex around, I think I can make it. My gramma's love for me is more than enough.

I don't want a family of my own. I want what I have now minus my mother, or well yeah, I can include her as long as she finds a job and be a mother to me again. Things are getting complicated again and I'm the only one to blame. Damn..

Warmth of Home

2010-05-23T16:48:00.000-07:00

05-20-2010 Thursday

I don't often realize how nice it is to wake up in your own home, with a well-prepared delicious meal ready in the table for me to eat. The comfortable warmth at home is because of my gramma, who's always preparing everything for me, everything that she does reminds me of how much I mean to her and how much she loves me. It is true that grandparents can love you more than your parents do.

My mom went back to being a paralytic slug who does nothing but sleep, eat, watch TV and talk about useless things. Whenever I would feel bad for leaving the house for awhile, I will just think of how much I hate seeing my mother do nothing and I would be okay, I would feel more than ready to leave.

It's really my gramma that I'm thinking about. I know she worries about me a lot and I know how sad she'll be when I leave that's why I promised her I'll visit as often as possible while I still can. I'm used to having her around. The wonderful meal she always prepares, the care she shows, the things we've been through together as a family, I've always known her as someone I can confide with although, lately, I've been keeping things from her for her not to worry even more.

When I woke up today and saw that the food was ready like always, I started thinking how hard it's going to be for me when I move out. I don't think Alex will give a damn in preparing food for me, he'll be too damn busy with his job, and besides, I don't plan on pampering him, I'll cook for myself if I want to eat, he can cook for himself if he wants to.

I'll miss the easy life at home that I'm used to. I know that it will be hard when I start to take care of myself, like doing the laundry for example, and gasp!, cooking. Well, I have to face this, it's the easiest way out that we could think of. It'll only be for awhile, then I'll come back home to my gramma and her warmth. I love Alex, but now I'm starting to realize that he might not be the one afterall. Actually, I might not end up with someone...I'll just grow old to be with my gramma, who has sacrificed countless things for me and no matter what I do, that precious love she gave can never be re-paid.

Preparations

2010-05-23T16:45:00.000-07:00

05-18-2010 Tuesday

When I arrived in the house, Damien greeted me from under the table, his usual spot, tails wagging excitedly at me. I kicked my shoes out of my feet, went to him and scratched his chin.

I peeked into the room, and saw neither my gramma nor my mom was there. My mom was probably somewhere, passing time, living joyfully, doing nothing. I heard a scratching sound in the kitchen so I headed towards it and found my gramma scrubbing some dried food residues on the pan. She was too busy with the pan that she didn't notice me.

I pulled the fridge door open and that's when she glanced up to look at me. "Oh food's ready. I'm just cleaning this before you bring this." she said.

I nodded. Then, I remembered I told her I'll be bringing that pan with me and here she is, cleaning it for me. That's how much she cared about me. Even though I'll be going away, I can feel her caring for me. It should only be me doing this preparations but she knew better to help me out. She knows how tired I am with my job so she's doing the best way she can to help. I'll miss that care for sure while I'm gone.

I sat on the dining table and opened the rice cooker. Warm smoke came out of it and I smelled the wonderful aroma of a newly cooked rice. As I serve some rice in my plate, I thought about how it's gonna be with Alex. I'm sure I'll be the one to cook for myself, I wouldn't be bringing the rice cooker with me so my only wish is that I don't burn the rice. Darn, the thought of living without my gramma alone is hard already.

My breakfast is simple: sunny side up egg and corned beef but the fact that my gramma did exert an effort to prepare my meal made it extra special, like what it is everyday.

I was thinking about the things that I'll miss as I eat. Maybe I would also lose a few pounds, ok, that may be a good thing. But still, it's gonna be hard to do things on my own when I leave.

Damien seemed to have noticed me deep in thought so he tugged me with his huge paw. I looked down at him, sweet little thing, I thought, he looks like he knew everything without me having to say it.

I finished eating, gathered up the dishes and brought it to the sink.

My gramma is still there, still scrubbing the precious pan, "Let me take care of that, you go get some sleep now." she said, looking at the dishes I put on the sink.

See, how life is easy with her? I nodded, "Ok, I'm going to bed.." was all I can say. I wanted to say that I appreciate everything she has done for me but it was like saying goodbye, I'm only gonna be away for a couple of months, then I'm going back. No need to be sentimental. No drama please...for now.

An Easy Solution

2010-05-20T15:35:00.000-07:00

05-17-2010 Monday

Sometimes, the easiest solution is right under our nose, it's just there yet we barely notice it and when we found out about it, it's like wanting to slap your head feeling stupid, thinking why haven't you thought about it. That's exactly what I'm feeling now when the solution to my big problem finally came. The solution came from no one else but me, and it's more of a realization.

I feel tough again, pushing the weakling inside me aside. It's all so simple. We'll live together, we'll be like housemates, we do whatever we want, I'll care less about what he's up to, and be done with the whole thing once this being that's binding us is set free. I have my own plans. All he knows is that I'm simply following his wishes. I'll let him believe that he can control me. Then, I'll break him to pieces.

Well, I won't deny the fact that I still love him and I'm happy to live with him for a few months, but I have to be careful. He has shown me different sides of himself that I'm confused on what to believe in. I can't always rely on my feelings, I also have to use my brain and think smart. He has hurt me enough, I've been through a lot for him and I can't wait 'till it's payback time.

I'm done crying. Finally, I felt that my tears have run dry. I think that when the person you love has hurt you a lot, you start pitying yourself, you feel broken, you cry 'till you ran out of tears, then, when the tears have subsided, you realize it's time to stand up and kick some overbearing ass. I'm on that last part now. I've stood up and brushed off the dust on my knees.

After we talked last night, I told my gramma about it earlier today. She looked sad and hesitant to let me go but she know she had to. This is the easiest way out. When I saw the sadness in her weary eyes, I felt hurt. I know how much she loves me, I know how much she wanted to be the one to take care of me during this ordeal, but we both know, that I need to be away, to escape, and hide.

"It's your decision.." she said, wiping her hands with a hand towel. She just finished washing the dishes.

We were in the kitchen and I can still smell the food she cooked. I suddenly realized how much I'll miss the food she's preparing for me. Which also reminds me, I don't freaking know how to cook,and Alex might not have time to cook, shit..

"It'll only be for a few months..and I'll also visit on weekends while I still can..." I assured her.

"Nah. 3 months? Time flies fast we'll barely notice it.." she tried to sound non-chalant but I can still sense the sadness in her voice. "What about your rent there?"

"We have an agreement. We pay fifty-fifty. We'll have legal papers to sign. He'll be doomed if he don't comply."

She nodded, "Yeah you should do that." she opened the fridge to get a glass of cold water. "Would you bring the TV? Radio?"

I shook my head. "Nope. Just my computer. I'll only bring a few stuff with me."

"Okay.." she emptied the glass in big gulps. I can feel that she wanted to say more but she's stopping herself. There are some instances when words aren't needed, just the mere silence is deafening.

"I guess I better start packing some of my things." I finally said after a few minutes.

She nodded quietly then busied herself in the kitchen.

I busied myself in transferring the clothes that I plan to bring with me in the smaller dura-box. I noticed Damien was staring at me with his almond black eyes as if asking me why I'm going away.

I sighed, "I wish I have another choice.."

I wish I do have another choice...

A Fine Ending

2010-05-16T17:25:00.000-07:00

05-16-2010 Sunday

Now that I've thought about it, I realized walking away is cowardice and besides, it's like letting Alex live a happy single life free from any worries or responsibilities while I, alone, suffers? That can't fucking be. If my life is hell, then so will his.

Last night, I called up my uncle whose a policeman and we went to his boarding house so he could confront Alex, maybe scare him a bit, because the bastard was no longer scared of just my gramma alone. Unfortunately, the bastard refused to show up. I felt like laughing. I was mad but when I noticed that he was actually scared of going to jail, (of course that's what he'll think of considering the situation we're in), I was glad because he's the one looking like a sore loser in this fight.

We didn't get to confront him but we were able to talk to the bitches in the boarding house and luckily, their chairman was also there. How was I to know that the chairman knows him, and is a close friend of one of the boarders there. The chairman asked us what the problem is and I told everything. He's a nice guy, with a warm aura in him, something raw and real, unlike most people in a position who is thick with disguise and fake symphathy.

Chairman Warren Del Rosario, as he introduced himself was very concerned with my situation and he said he, himself will talk to Alex once he got the chance. He even gave me his number so I can text him if there's anything wrong. He's not faking or anything, he was really concerned, the look of worry on his face was real when he noticed that I was about to cry. He said things will be okay, and he has this authority in him that makes me believe that what he's saying is a fact.

Even though we didn't get to talk to Alex, I was thankful for having to meet their chairman, who understands, doesn't judge and is as real as he could get.

Today, I said to Alex that we need to talk for the last time before I start ruining everything in his life. I fucking mean it. If he's not gonna face his responsibility, he might as well suffer the consequences.

He had overtime and I waited for him at the corner Mini-stop in Blumentritt. I ordered an ice cream cone in Mini-stop then waited for him outside. He came a few minutes later, I saw him on the other side of the street, watching, making sure that I don't have anyone with me. I couldn't hide the smile as I lick my ice cream. I was really having a good time scaring the hell out of this bastard.

When he was sure that I was alone, he rode his motorcycle to the side of the convenient store. I kept on licking the ice cream. He was looking at me and my eyes were bright as I look back at him. It was a darn good time.

"What are you waiting for? Come on hop in." he said, looking exhausted.

I shrugged my shoulders. The chocolate ice cream is bittersweet and I focused on it like it's the only thing that matter. I hop behind him on the motorcycle, while nibbling at the sugar coated cone. Delicious.

He took me to the boarding house. Ok, that really wasn't my idea of place where we can talk seriously but whatever..if we have to be there, fine. He parked his motorcycle and I jumped out of it. Happy happy.

He bought a cigarette and sat on the bench. I followed him.

"What now?" he asked, blowing a big cloud of smoke.

I stared at the cigarette on his lips and it hit me that his cigarette intake has increased. He just smoked not more than 10 minutes ago. It's that stick that will kill him, for sure.

"What???" he asked again when he noticed that I was silent.

I snapped back to the matter at hand. "What?" was the only thing I said.

"What do you want to happen now?" he looked aggravated.

I remained neutral. "Face your responsibility. I'll agree to what you want, we'll live together, we pay for the rent together, and we do our own thing. Isn't that what you want? I wouldn't leave and let you live a lucky single guy. We'll make hell out of the lives of each other, together."

"Fine." he quipped.

"You cook your own food, I cook mine. You wash your own laundry, I'll wash mine. It's like we're mere housemates." I added.

He took a long drag on his cigarette. "Fine. Have it your way."

"The one thing I wanted to be very clear about is the rent. We pay for it. Not just me, we. You pay your part, I'll pay mine. If you don't pay, you have to be kicked out." I said, "Oh and one more thing, we'll stay here for now, since there's an available room downstairs, but once I found a better place, we'll move out. I don't want you staying here with this bitches protecting and owning you."

He looked defeated. I know I have too many conditions but I want to have what I want.

He stood up and threw the cigarette after inhaling the last smoke out of it. "It's settled then, let's go upstairs and tell mami about it so she can reserve the room."

"Lead the way."

It's an ending that will lead to something but at least I have him with me. We can be called a family, I don't know how long, but at least now we can call it that.

Facing Janus

2010-05-15T19:27:00.000-07:00

05-14-2010 Friday

For a brief second, I swore I saw my old caring, loving and gentle Alex behind those chocolate brown eyes as he stared at me during the night that should've been my final goodbye to him.

"When will you leave?" he asked, his voice breaking. I couldn't believe my ears that he sounded like he's actually sad about the whole thing.

I held his gaze firmly, not showing any emotions, "This Sunday." I have to fake it so hard because if I don't, I might just break down and cry in front of him, which is something I promised I won't do again.

He swallowed hard, "Will we see each other again?"

I focused on his eyes. Somewhere, deep inside, there's my old Alex, wanting to get out. Outside, I saw the Alex that he has become, cold and distant. "Maybe not." I kept my voice calm and low.

He closed his eyes then opened them again. He let his hand move from my waist up to my face. His hand caressed my face gently, like what he used to before, my old sweet Alex.

I let him touch my face. I didn't close my eyes to savor the touch. I kept my face blank and devoid of any emotion. In the back of my mind, I was begging to hear the words 'Don't go, I need you, I love you, let's make it work' from him. I was hoping, even though I don't want to. It will only hurt even more.

His hands continued to move gently on my face, while his eyes never left mine. I wondered if he's doing this to remember me forever. I wondered if it means, he's letting me go and he's willing to end everything tonight.

He leaned forward to kiss me. I let him.

"Do you love me?" I dared to ask.

"I do. I love you very much." he said, kissing me again.

'Then why? Why are you letting me leave?' I shouted in my head.

"Remember that you told me on how your feelings were not what it used to be? You said you loved me less now?" I asked the questions that badly need an answer.

He shook his head. "I love you just the same." he hugged me tight.

I folded myself in his arms. He said the words I wanted to hear, but not all of it. I'm still wishing he'll stop me from leaving.

"Why are you letting me go?" I can't help but ask.

"Because I know you'll be back." he answered, sounding sure of himself. He sounded as sure as he was before when he has predicted that I will fall in love with him madly. I feared the thought that he knows me better than I know myself.

"How can you be so sure?"

He didn't say anything.

"I know you'll find another while I'm gone." I said.

"That's impossible." was all he said.

I let him kiss me once again. I held him tight. I know that something will still go wrong after this but I want to feel him for one more time. I want to feel his love, while I'm still with him, while I can still touch him. I'll worry about the rest later.

In the morning, I was the first one to wake up as usual. I checked his cellphone. The messages saved were mostly from me. I checked the Gallery. He has a new picture of himself and his mio. I went through all the old pictures. Nothing new. No girls, good. Then, I stopped. I went back to the Images folder where our old photos were saved. I didn't see any photo of me and us anymore. Thinking I might've missed it, I re-checked it again. Gone.

I asked him about it when he woke up. I was surprised to find that he was back to being the cold Alex. He was mad that I sounded like I'm making a big deal out of such a simple thing. I said I wasn't mad, I just wanna know what that means.

He said it was all saved in the computer and if I want to, he can put it all back on his cellphone. I asked if it means that he's really moving on without me, and he was mad again. His eyes were dark, no hint of the caring guy that I've seen last night.

I was more confused. Was the Alex I slept with last night different from the Alex that woke up in the morning? It's like the guy I was with just the night before was a completely different person. One guy, two faces.

I didn't push him any further. I've already made up my mind. I had a plan. If my life is screwed up, then I'll make damn sure that his is well screwed as well.

Elections Buzz

2010-05-15T19:25:00.000-07:00

05-10-2010 Monday

Regardless of the fact that I had no sleep at all, I still went to the precinct to vote and be part of the country's very first automated election. Having no sleep is like a normal phenomena for me, nothing new as far as my night routine goes-- I lie in bed, stay awake, let the memories consume me, then I cry. That's exactly what I did last night, add the tossing and turning as well. Bothered; that's what I am.

Since it's useless to stay in bed, I got out of it the moment I heard my gramma woke up. I checked the clock when she turned the lights on. 3:30AM. Too early for a lot of things. She was a bit surprised when she saw me following her in the kitchen but I didn't say anything. Silence has become a good friend of mine lately.

I prepared myself a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast. I ate in silence, there's no sense to talk about how bad my night had been. Damien did the usual greet of touching my lap with his big paws. I scratched his head and for a second, I felt good, having a dog is priceless.

At around 6 am, me, my gramma and mom went to the nearby school in our place where we are assigned to vote. The school is getting crowded when we get there. I forgot my precinct number so it took me more than half an hour to know what my cluster is. My mom and gramma are on the same precinct and they didn't have a hard time finding theirs.

First automated election? What about it? The line was longer, the wait was even harder, and there's still the same problem of not finding their names on the master list.

When I finally found my precinct, the sun was starting to rise high in the sky and I stood in line outside for nearly two hours before I was able to enter the classroom which I first thought was where I can cast my vote, but turns out, it was JUST the holding area/waiting area. So I waited another 2 hours or so before I was able to vote.

I think what makes the wait longer is because of the fact that there are clusters now, which basically means, 4-5 precincts are squeezed into one, which means more names, more waiting in line, less machines. Smells fishy to me. The government sure has enough budget to provide ONE Picos machine PER Precinct, instead of combining precincts to clusters.

So I waited in line. And waited. And waited. My mom and gramma was able to finish first. They checked me in my precinct. I was getting impatient, it was getting hot, I was sweating, hungry, thirsty and I saw the concerned look on my gramma's face while my mom has the usual don't-give-a-damn blank stare. My gramma asked me if there's anything I would like, and I said that a bottle of ice cold water will be more than enough.

They left to go home. My gramma came back within half an hour, her hands full of the water tumbler and a plastic bag that contained some snacks. I was thankful for the water. It was almost 10 in the morning and I was only inches close to being irate.

Finally, after 5 hours of waiting in line, I was able to vote. The ballot was a hell of a paper. It was long, wide and the circles that you need to shade are extremely small, that I began to wonder how the elderly voters would see these freaking circles. The Party List section consumed the most space in the front of the ballot, while the Mayor, Vice Mayor and Representatives position are hidden in the back. Due to that, my gramma missed the back portion, therefore, missing the chance to vote for the remaining positions printed there.

We were back in the house by 11:30. I can't believe that I just spent more than 5 hours of my life for this day waiting in line. Not to mention that it didn't do much to make me forget about the things that are bothering me. I was tired, spent, and I still want to shoot myself in the head after the long day.

Long day..and I still have to work later...bummed!

A Weekend Alone

2010-05-15T19:24:00.000-07:00

05-09-2010 Sunday

I'm used to being alone. Ever since I gave up my vices like going out late at night to drink, smoke and get wasted, I transformed to a boring homebody who prefers to be at home and do nothing but sleep or during some instances, cry my eyes out when certain things come into my mind. Like this weekend for example, I don't have any plans so I'm stuck at home, thinking.

I woke up early, it was only 4 in the morning, I think because it's still dark and no one is up yet. I glanced around the dark room, the curtain is slightly open and the light from a nearby lamppost shines inside our room. I see shadows. I hear voices from people walking outside. I hear the steady hum of the electric fan that manages to make it through out the night without being turned off, that's how hot it is lately, you simply can't live without a fan.

I checked my cherry mobile phone. No message. No missed call. I missed him even more. Around this time before, he would be sleeping beside me and I would wake him up, prepare his breakfast then off he'll go to work after taking a quick bath. That's how it used to be, that's how it ought to be for the rest of our lives. Now, it's all gone. I'm walking away from it.

I looked at my gramma sleeping on the floor, beside her is my mom, and I think about how much I love them both..well..uhhmm, I love my gramma more. I think about the things she has sacrificed for me, all those times that she was there beside me, how she would be willing to beat the hell out of anyone that will try to mess with me. She's the kindest, sweetest person I know and I don't want to be separated from her.

However, with the things happening in our family, especially with my mom, who's starting to have difficulty in sleeping again, I think it's impossible for us to stay together now. My gramma has to take care of my mom, my mom needs her more than I do. I'm not the one with a mental illness, anyway.

I chose to walk away, go home to the province and leave Alex but the more I think about my decision, the more I'm realizing it might be a mistake. For one, I love him, it's like punishing myself. Two, I'll be setting him free, he'll be living like a single guy with no freaking responsibilities while I'm suffering on my own? That can't be. If I will suffer, he has to suffer with me. We're in this mess together. God, if I have to get a fucking policeman to catch him, handcuffed, then so be it, I can't let him get away just like that.

That's what I'm thinking about this weekend. I'm tiring my brain cells in thinking this hard, trying to find the easiest solution to this big problem. I'm used to being alone, alone in peace, not like this, alone and bothered. I'm so screwed, I can feel it in every part of my being and I want to know how I can stop feeling like this..I need to know soon.

Definitions of Love

2010-05-15T19:22:00.000-07:00

05-07-2010 Friday

"I searched for my ex in Facebook" I said to Elaine, my colleague and friend, as we ride in the bus together on our way home from the office, like what we usually do every morning.

Her bushy eyebrows raised up, "Really? Did you find him?"

I nodded, "I did. He looks the same, only taller. I added him, I know he'll remember me, though it has been awhile."

"Like, how long has it been?" she asked, curiously.

I thought for a moment, "I was 12, he was 13 at that time." I counted with my fingers, "9 years.. He was my first real crush, we didn't date or something, we just had a mutual feeling before."

She was raising her eyebrows again, "Hmm, sounds like a history.."

I smiled, "It is. He used to send me letters, he would give me those plastic toys or roses as gifts, you know those silly things a 12 year old would die for. When I look back, I realize how I define love before. Something simple, nothing complicated, we cry for the most unimportant matter."

"I know what you mean." she said in agreement.

I looked outside the window, then I pondered my own words. When I compare my feelings before to what I am feeling now, I wonder how I even considered it as love. I also wonder how easy life was before when I was younger.

The reason why I'm digging up my past with that specific ex, is because I may be a little bit desperate to find someone else that I can give my attention to. I was just thinking since he was my what-they-call puppylove, maybe I can rekindle an old flame, at least, we have the same religion. Then, maybe I can move on and separate myself from Alex.

It was almost 7 in the morning, and the sun was starting to spread across the highway. I felt the sun hot against my face and I squinted a bit but I continued to look outside, barely paying attention to what Elaine was saying.

As the bus speed away, a monster on a busy highway, my attention was caught by the ordinary things around me. The weird thing was I remember Alex in almost everything I see. I saw a motorcycle rider speeding along, with a girl behind him, arms wrapped around his waist, and I remember the times when Alex used to pick me up from work with our good 'ol Alpha. I saw a guy having breakfast in a crowded Pares eatery, and I remember how much Alex likes to eat pares. I saw someone wearing a PULP Summer Slam tshirt and I remember how I met Alex. I'm pathetic, that I know.

How can I move on if every fucking thing seemed to have a connection with him? I haven't seen him in awhile but my mind is still filled with memories of our past. I've read this online: 'moving on is easy, it's what you leave behind that makes it hard'. True.

There's too many things, too many memories, and as far as I can remember, he's the only guy that I've ever loved this much. My definition of love has changed a lot over the years and I thank him tor letting me understand things I used to not give a damn about.

Yes, he's the one who taught me how to love, but too bad he forgot to teach me how to let go.

Things were easier before. Love was never this hard. I miss 6th grade.... :(

If's

2010-05-15T19:20:00.000-07:00

04-05-2010 Wednesday

If I could have one more day, one more time to hold him, feel him beside me, I would give up everything just to be with him before I walk away from our memories. The date is set for the 16th of May and everytime I would look at the calendar, it seemed like that date is fast approaching. I hate to go, but it hurts to stay.

It has only been a week and 3 days and I'm already missing him like crazy. I go to work, I laugh with my colleagues, I go home tired, I look in the mirror and I see the girl looking back at me is not whole, it's like, a big chunk of myself is missing. Something's not right when I'm not with him, how can it happen, I've lived before he existed in my life, but why is it different now?

I sure don't believe in destiny, or soulmates, all those bullshits that pathetic hopeless romantics believe in. I also don't believe in the saying that if the person is meant for you, then you'll end up together no matter what. Bullshit. If you want someone so bad, if you think that the someone you're with is the one you can't live without, then go for it, fight for that person. Who knows, you might screw destiny up?

I'm torn between wanting to still fight for it or just go with my hard decision of letting go. If I fight for it, will I hurt myself even more? If I go away, will I regret that decision in the future? If's, but's, would or would not? Jesus, I'm so undecided.

Give me a freaking reason to stay. Please, I want to stay..

In The Company of Friends

2010-05-14T00:10:00.000-07:00

05-02-2010 Sunday

God knows I'll probably be locked up in some lunatic bin by now if I don't have any friends at work to keep me sane. I'm thankful they exist. I'm thankful they're still around to make me go to work, no matter how bad things are in our department.

Earlier today, after our shift, our manager treated us for a breakfast at McDo. We had a great time, talking, laughing and bonding together. We don't consider our team as a team, we consider it as our second family, well, for me, they're the only family I could count on. I can tell them things I don't tell my gramma, it really helps to have them around. When I resign, I'll always look back at my first job as the best one because of them.

Friends are great, aren't they? I'll definitely miss each and everyone of them when I go away. I'm happy that they're making the remaining days of my life worthwhile. I'm happy that I think less of my problems when I'm with them. But of course, at the end of the day, I go back to my loneliness, and I still wish to die.

Friends. Memories. The best of times.

I'll always be with them...

The Fear of Not Dying

2010-05-02T05:50:00.000-07:00

05-01-2010 Saturday

So this is what it likes to stop giving a fuck. Not caring about what's gonna happen, not caring at all if I die at anytime. What's the use of living anyway, if everything's being taken away from me? Besides, nobody gives a fuck anyway. My mom cares about sleeping, my gramma has my mom to think about, and Alex, is obviously satisfied living with the bitches on the boarding house. Why would anyone give a fuck about me?

If there's something I fear right now, it is the fear of not dying. I'm suddenly scared of being immortal. If dying is the only way to end the pain, so be it, I'll die happy. I seriously don't care anymore, I don't remember the last time I ever felt like this, surprisingly, it feels like being free. No worries. I can cross the street without being worried about the speeding cars and trucks, I can ride a recklessly fast bus without worrying about accidents, I can go back to ganja, black bat and beers, I can do any-fucking-thing! I'm fucking free!

Wow, if I've known this earlier, I could've stopped worrying sooner. Why worry? Everyone's gonna die, it's just a matter of when. If death will ask every human being to line up, with the first one in line being the one to die first, I'll fight my way to the start of the line. Believe me, I will.

I'd rather feel this way than feel any kind of hope. Hoping hurts more. When you simply stop trying, stop fighting, you make things easier..but if you keep on hoping for something to work out, you just feel disappointed if things go wrong, and the thing is, most of the time, things don't actually work out

I used to not understand people committing suicide, I was like, why end your life over something silly? I guess I spoke too soon because I've become too close to riding the death train. Until now, I'm still wondering what's holding me back from shooting a gun in my head. Err, okay, that's just a metaphor, I don't own a gun nor know anyone that does. What I mean to say is what am I living for? I lost my love, I'm also about to lose my faith if the truth comes out. In wanting to keep both things together, I ended up losing all of it. I'm a fucking failure and I need to fucking die soon.

I miss him so bad. I wish there's an easier way out. Unfortunately, there's no other option. I chose to go some place far away from him. The province, far away from the complicated city life. I was thinking, living in the province might be difficult for me but what other choices do I have? I can see myself there, in the place of nowhere, doing nothing. How can I move on if there's nothing to keep me busy? Shit. I thought that the decision I've made is the best one. I might need to re-think that.

Question is do I still have the time to think about it? The more I stay here, the more upset I get. I don't wanna have to deal with this whole thing, I wanna get out of it, escape, run as fast as I can, as soon as I can and not look back. It hurts more than I could ever imagine but there's so many things blocking the way.

I don't fear dying. I really don't. I fear more of living long enough to carry the pain. Goodbye world, you've done enough to me....

Would or Would Not

2010-05-02T05:48:00.000-07:00

04-30-2010 Friday

I was cleaning my face with a cotton soaked in make up remover in front of the mirror when I heard my mom say, "Let me remind you, that place is far from malls, hospitals..far from civilization. We mean it."

I rolled my eyes in the mirror, 'that's exactly where I want to be right now', I thought to myself. Of course, my gramma has been telling me about it. Of course, I know they mean it, it's a freaking province, it's probably right in the middle of nowhere but considering the situation I'm in, it makes the place more than inviting. I just wish they would stop trying to talk me out of it. I'm already having a hard time making the decision that I feel like I can change my mind at any time because a big part of me (maybe it's the weakling part) doesn't want to go but the small part of my brain that tries to stay rational is telling me that it's the right thing to do.

I realized she's waiting for an answer so I said, "That's okay with me. I'm tired of working. I want to be some place where I don't have to work hard". I tried to keep my voice calm but I can't hide the firmness on my tone. I'm slightly mad again at her. She's been at home for more than a month now and I remember her telling me before she got out of the rehab that she'll only rest for a few days then she'll find a job to help me out. Look at her now, still at home, sleeping for more than 10 hours per day. Greatt.

I don't want to be mad at her anymore because maybe my anger with my own mother is what's causing the failures of my life. Though, sometimes, when I think about our situation, and the fact that she's obviously not doing anything to help out financially, it still makes me mad. It's not easy to find a job but it's harder to find one if you're not looking for it, right?

"I'm just reminding you.." she sort of mumbled and went back to sleep.

I shrugged my shoulders, disposed the used cottons and ate my breakfast. Damien wagged his tail and reached out to my lap. I patted him with one hand and thought how great it is to have a dog. The best companion ever. Better than boys. Why? Because dogs have fur, boys don't.

After I'm done with my morning ritual, which includes washing my face, applying scar removers on my scars and taking a dump (yeah, you really have to know all of that), I climbed up to my bed, pulled the blanket up to my face and tried to get some sleep. It was hard. Different thoughts are drifting inside my head. Am I really gonna leave this city for good? It's running away from everything, hiding in a lie,and forgetting the one person I truly loved. Can I really do that?

For a change, I didn't cry. I let my mind wander for a couple of minutes. Then, darkness came. I submitted myself willingly.

A Step at A Time

2010-05-02T05:46:00.001-07:00

04-29-2010 Thursday

I can do this.

How hard could it be right? Forgetting him, fixing my life, trying to stay whole..it's all so darn easy that it's making me wonder why I didn't do it sooner. If I did, I could've saved myself from further humiliation and pain.

Now that I sold my sony ericsson cellphone, I have no means of communication with anyone. I used to think I could never live without a cellphone but being without a cellphone for an entire day, it actually feels good. I don't have to glance at it every now and then, hoping to see a message from someone and feel disappointed if I don't see any. No cellphone=no worries, no disappointments, no false hopes. It's as good as it gets.

Actually, I already have another cellphone. The uber basic P1 from Cherry Mobile, a local brand of cellphone that's just starting out in the market. Here's what it looks like:

When I say basic, I mean it. It doesn't even look like a cellphone, it resembles a calculator more than anything. Compact, thin, and simple. Just the way I like it. My life has been too complicated that I decided to keep some things simple.

Even though I already have a phone, I decided to use it less, most of the time, it stays in my bag, turned off. I don't want anyone to bother me, to make me change my mind again. I know myself too well. One simple message from him and I'll be stepping backwards, back to him again and I don't wanna do that. Uhmm,there's a huge part of me that wants to come back to him and try again, that's the weak side of me. The other part, the one trying to be strong, is making decisions of leaving to completely get rid of him. I want the strong one to stand out, so that I can destroy the weakling in me.

Two days ago, my manager showed me the message he sent to her, asking if I went to work. I tried not to feel anything but inside, I'm already hoping again. The other day, it was my colleague Elaine that he texted, asking how I'm doing. I asked Elaine if she replied, she said yes, she told him I'm at work and doing ok. I slapped my forehead. I should've known he would try to contact them. I told Elaine that the next time he text her, just tell him I resigned and went to hell. She looked at me with her eyebrows crossed as if wanting to ask me if I mean it but don't wanna say it out loud. I sighed, "Just tell him". She shrugged and said "Okay, if you say so..."

She didn't ask anything else. I'm thankful she did not. I don't want to share the details of my failed relationship. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Going through the details is like playing a rewind button and going back to the painful memories that I'm trying my best to forget.

Walking away is not easy, I have to drag my feet to be able to move. I'm doing it one painful step at a time. When you're trying to forget someone, you have to start first with forgetting the feeling of having that someone beside you. You have to get used to the lack of his presence, get used to the feeling of longing, get over the fact that everything you've built together over a long period of time are nothing but ruins of the past, a past that will be buried to decay.

Tragic, isn't it? When you have so much love to give, and you know that there's still love between the two of you, but the overwhelming circumstances are forcing you to separate. Why does it have to feel so perfect when it's not meant to be? Am I wrong from the very beginning?

I have one big mistake. Way back when we were just starting out, I should've talked to him about our religion differences. He has all the time before, he was jobless and he was always with me. I should've taken advantage of that and took him to our worship services. If I did that, I'll find out earlier if he'll be willing to convert for our relationship. If I've known earlier then it'll be easier for me to break up with him before because I don't freaking love him this MUCH before!

My feelings for him, I don't fucking know how it happened, it just started to grow and get deeper. I felt scared but it felt right so I let myself fall. We've been together for a year, and looking back, I can say that it is the best year of my life. Too bad that it has to end this way.

'Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.' I remember that old quote I've read before. True. I still smile these days..but honestly,it's not doing much to numb the pain.

Pseudo-apathetic Decision

2010-05-02T05:42:00.000-07:00

04-28-2010 Wednesday

"Is that really your final decision?" that question never fails to catch me off-guard. My gramma has asked me that for the -nth time and I should be used to answering a confident 'yes' with both my eyes looking back at her.

There's always a pause. I hate it. I hate the fact that it shows how I hate the decision I'm making. I hate the fact that I have to show them that I'm such a strong person to make this decision. But for the sake of everyone involved, I have to fake being strong, even though it's breaking every part of my being.

It's just a pause, a mere fraction of seconds, but it's long enough for me to have a mental playback of the happy moments I've shared with Alex, and as they come, the pain comes along with it. The pain is almost unbearable, making it harder for me to say the words. There's a huge lump in my throat, I have to swallow hard, swallowing my words with it and I always end up answering the question with a nod.

"You have to make the decision, just one. There should be no turning back once you've decided." she said, emphasizing the words 'no turning back.'

'I know.' I thought to myself, 'and I can't go back anyway'. The words that came out instead were, "Yes. My decision is final."

My gramma shrugged and heaved a long sigh before getting back to the cloth she's sewing. I know she can tell that I'm only forced to make the decision and I can feel that she's hurting for me because there's not much she can do to help me get out of the mess that I'm in.

A mess. Yeah, that's what my life is right now. A life in shambles. I did try to hold on to two different things--my faith and my beloved, I fought for both. I sure don't want to lose my faith, that's like losing my life, but losing him means losing half of my life. I want to stay as whole as possible but it looks like I have to choose between dying and living without half of my life's meaning.

I'm done with the embarrassment. Last Monday was the worst of all. I didn't post the details of it because it's just too awfully shameful. All I can share is I've learned one important thing: the motherfucking bitches in the boarding house has populated Alex's mind. They're so in control of him and they wouldn't let him go. God, I should've known that he's tied to them from head to foot, cock to balls.

I've seen a droplet of hope last Sunday when I was able to take Alex to the minister in our church and he has the chance to listen to our teachings. I thought that's the beginning of it. I know that he's smart enough to understand what he's listening to. I just didn't realize that he's smart but he doesn't like thinking out of the box. He wants a religion that wouldn't require much sacrifice. He's not man enough to face the bigger responsibility or to even look at the bigger picture.

I'm disappointed, and hurt. So I made a decision to walk away. Far away, where I can completely move on and forget that I ever met him, that he ever came into my life. I realized, that the hardest part is not the letting go or the moving on, the hardest is finding the pieces of myself to put it all back together. The hardest is to become whole again after my dreams and hopes were shattered altogether.

How could I wish for a happy ending when I damn well know that it doesn't fucking exist? It's only a made-up story for little fucking princesses who's not old enough yet to realize the cruel realities of life.

Looks like I would never get to walk the aisle to marry the guy I loved and cherished. I choose my faith. I failed to keep him. I have no reasons to stay anymore. This is the bitter goodbye.

"Stop crying, you're only punishing yourself. He's not worth it. Make sure he doesn't come back to this house or else...God help me, I might knock his face off." my gramma told me when she noticed me crying in the corner.

Crying, my most recent hobby, by the way. I wish I can make myself stop but the tears seem to fall on their own. I cry for myself. I cry for Alex. I cry for the future that will never be. I cry for my failure, my sins, and the most bitter tear I've shed is for the people I've hurt along the way. I failed them without meaning to.

I thought I could still save it, I thought I still have the time..oh wait, I have the time, I think this has happened not because I was too late, it's because there are some things, no matter how perfect they may seem to be in the beginning, that's meant to end tragically.

Meet my ALEX

2010-05-02T05:40:00.000-07:00

04-24-2010 Saturday

Out of the blue, I decided to list down the things I know about Alex. I think being a girl, I'm good at being attentive to details about my special someone. Guys, on the other hand, are a completely different subject when it comes to sentimental shits and remembering stuff. That's how insensitive they are.

I was thinking this because he's the one that has lasted this long with me. One straight year of ups and downs, good and bad, tears and smiles and in spite of everything, I find myself falling even more instead of falling out of love like what used to happen before in my past relationships. Now that we've been together for a year, I just want to remember the things I've known about him, so that I can also make a comparison of what made him different to my past boyfriends, haha.

Kidding aside, if I may just share, he's not someone that stands out in the crowd or something, he's someone you might consider good looking at a quick glance (haha) but he's not the kind of good looking that drives hot chicks mad. He's just a regular guy, without money on his pocket, who gets by everyday by some strange mercy of fate. Not the kind of dreamguy most girls dream about but to me, he's fine just the way he is.

What I like about our relationship is that we know each other, there's that connection that goes way beyond, something I've never had with my previous relationships.

Here goes my list:

*Alex adores cars and motorcycles. Most especially motorcycle, that's why he loves his new Mio to death. If there will ever be a mistress in our relationship, it will be the damn Mio. He takes care of it like it's a child that needs much attention. Sometimes I envy his time spent with that thing than his time with me, oh well, at least it's not a girl.

*He's a motorcycle drag racer. I've shown my disapproval for his risky hobby and we've even had fights about it. He said he won't race again after the crying fit I had when we were in Cavite and I witnessed how terrifyingly dangerous it is, but lately, I had a feeling that he's up to it again. I don't want to contradict anymore, as long as I don't see him at it so I don't worry much.

*He's an all around guy. He's a cellphone technician, a mechanic, a cook, a hell of a driver and everything in between. The jack of all trades type. I used to wonder how he managed to learn a lot of things but then I noticed how nosy he is, I stopped wondering.

*His favorite dish? Beef Pares.

*Like I mentioned, he's a hell of a driver, and I don't mean just because he's good at handling the wheels, it's also because he knows the twists, turns,and shortcuts to every damn street anywhere. From Manila area to his hometown Cavite, to Laguna, to Bicol, to Nueva Ecija, name it, he'll drive you there.

*He likes kids. In the boarding house, kids are everywhere and I'll never understand why he never lose his patience with all the screaming, crying and tugging and all those annoying things kids do. Maybe he thinks it's cute, for me it's not. Siggh.

*He wears nothing but boxer shorts when he sleeps.

*He always has a lit cigarette with him whenever he would take a dump.

*He doesn't believe in the power of perfume. He's like a cat that feels comfortable smelling his own scent. I've given him a perfume as a gift last year and I rarely smell him with it so I think this year, I need to think of something else to give him. Darn.

*He thinks he's oozing with sex appeal but I always beg to disagree. :D

So there, just some things I wanna share about him. I've talked about him in most of my posts so I decided to list down some basic stuff about him that some readers (if I have readers on this blog..hmmm) don't know yet for y'all to get to know him a bit more.

Maybe in writing this, some people who knew me already can come up with the verdict if we're a match made in heaven or the other way around. If it's the other way around, uhh..opposites attract right? Sheesh, I appreciate an honest opinion even though it's not really necessary.

Lonesome Asylum

2010-04-25T18:20:00.000-07:00

04-22-2010 Thursday

Most of the time, what people see on the outside does not really define the inside. Like in my case, people see the usual me on the outside--outgoing, loudmouth and addicted to having fun. What they don't know is inside, I barely even know myself.

There's a lot of things I wanna say but I'm afraid that I can't force the right words out of my mouth. Hence, I stay quiet and hidden behind my mask. Maybe, I'm afraid, afraid to be misjudged or misunderstood, by the people I trust. Or maybe, I'm even afraid to trust people now.

I prefer to carry this burden alone, and it's not an easy task. My family is right behind me but I chose not to let them get involved. I brought this pain to myself so I have to deal with it alone. It's hard to be in too much pain, it is even harder when you're not able to talk about it to anyone. I end up talking to myself like a bitch gone insane.

That's why if you'll notice, I'm always on my blog. This is where I can pour my heart out and I wouldn't give a damn if somebody cares enough to read it. It's just here, a lonely asylum for the rejected. I figured that since I don't have anyone to talk to, I can talk to myself here without being too obvious that I'm slowly losing my mind.

You really want the truth? I'm not as tough as I pretend to be and I'm not ashamed of admitting it. I cry easily when I'm alone, I'm a sucker for romance, I'm afraid to fall in love like what I'm feeling right now, and after saying all this, you can all shake your head and wonder if I'm still the chick you thought you knew. Surprises? I'm full of that.

I'm thankful for being able to write what I feel, it sure helps lessen the heavy feeling of not being able to talk to someone about it. Aside from being afraid, I feel like the people that I've shared this problem with has done more than enough to help me and I can't keep on disturbing them with my problems. They might have their own problems to think about anyway.

So bottom line, I'm in this boat alone, trying to save myself, because no one's gonna do it for me...

Jealousy Kills

2010-04-25T18:18:00.000-07:00

04-21-2010 Wednesday

Before we go any further in this post, I would like to clarify first that I have very few girl friends that holds a special place in my heart, and I love them all dearly and I want nothing but the best for them.

Ok, back to regular posting..

An old friend of mine from high school whom I have constant communications with, thanks to the online wonder called Facebook, informed me that she recently got married and it's too bad I didn't make it but I can just make it up to her by being there when she give birth to her first child. 'Sure, count me in! Congratulations, I'm happy for you! Have a happy life ahead!' was my reply to her post. I typed the words out carefully, hoping that she can feel the sincerity of those words from wherever she is presently. After typing the words, I pointed the mouse to REPLY and clicked once. Voila, my message was sent.

After replying to her, I went back to my own homepage but my mind is still stuck on the words she has said. She got married. Hesitantly, I typed her name on the Search bar and clicked on her profile again. The wedding pictures weren't uploaded on her page, it was on her husband's account, I think, and somehow I felt glad I didn't see the pictures. In the back of my mind, I feel some kind of jealousy and trust me, I hate feeling it. Remember that I made everyone aware of how I love my friends?

Well, the green-eyed monster in me is feeling slightly envious of my friend's luck in love. She was married in our church and her husband shares the same faith she has. It's the happy ever after shit. I wanted it to be mine. Shit. The more evil side in me is even thinking that I deserve it more than she does because of the situation of my family. I'm pretty sure she doesn't have to be the only one to work for the family, she has siblings and most importantly, I've known her long enough to know that she doesn't have a bipolar mother, who'll probably breakdown if things don't go well for her.

I know I shouldn't be jealous of someone else's happiness, especially for a friend but I don't know why I feel it sometimes. I'm not getting desperate, uhh okay maybe a little.. I mean, I just want things to work out for me also. Why can't it be me? Childish, I know, and I apologize for being like this.

Love. Marriage. Happy Endings. What am I thinking? This is not me! Hell, I never believed in any of those shits before now! What the hell happened to me?! I'm aware I'm changing but I never expected this KIND of change.

I logged out of Facebook before I start getting more envious. I can be happy for other people, of course, there are some instances when I was just thinking, that there's a lot of people in this world, so why can't the problems be divided equally? Silly question but I hope it can happen, so that I don't have to feel mad for those ungrateful bastards who complain about the simplest problems [like having dilemma on what color will they choose for their next saloon appointment, woops].

Life...Unfair isn't it? I may need to start counting my blessing for it seemed like they rarely come these days...

UN-fortunate

2010-04-25T18:16:00.000-07:00

04-20-2010 Tuesday

I never considered myself as someone unlucky in love, I'm more of the heartbreaker type before and the guys that I've been with, are actually the ones unlucky to have found me. I've prepared myself for karma, I know that sooner or later, it's gonna come. Now that all this is happening to me, I'm starting to think that karma has finally arrived at the doorstep, saying, 'it's payback time'.

Oh poor unfortunate me, I knew it's karma all along. I'm trying hard to be optimistic in spite of all this, I kept on telling myself I still have faith to keep me going. Is this what they call a test of faith? I guess it is, I just never realized it will be this hard and not to mention, painful and confusing.

I know what I'm fighting for, I wanted to win it while staying on the right track. Sometimes when I think about the consequences of my choices, I realize I'm miserably out of options. The only solution to the problem is to convince Alex to believe in my faith, to have him convert to our religion which is something I've been praying for.

I'm not losing hope, even though we're always having a fight whenever I would persuade him to attend a worship service. He either gave excuses or he'll just flatly refuse. I can see that it's getting on his nerves already but I'm not giving up on him. I always end up crying and begging him to please try, that I'm starting to pity myself but I know that once I'm able to convince him, it'll be worth it. I'm taking in every harsh word he has to say against my religion, because it's not his fault for not knowing the truth, because I love him so much I have to be the one considerate about his situation.

Sometimes I think the message is not clear to me. I'm starting to realize that Alex's strong refusal could mean two things: 1. The test of faith, or 2. He's really not meant to be the one. I don't even want to think about the second thing, but it could be possible, right? When everything goes wrong, what else can you think of?

When I think about the possibility that he may not be the one, and this could be fate's way of showing me that, I start to worry for my own sake. I love him but of course, I love my religion even more. The situation I'm in right now puts me at risk of losing everything I've ever believed in like my faith and religion. I don't want to lose everything, I really don't and the hardest part of this fight is I'm trying to hold on to two things, not wanting to let go of one or the other. Do you know how it is in the movies, or in some stories wherein you have to give one thing up in order to win? Sometimes you lose the one you love, or you die, or you lose your throne, stuff like that...A bitter ending for a good story.

I never believed in a happy ending, I grew up realizing the harsh realities of life, I've come to accept that life wasn't fair and you have to be one tough asshole to make it alive because if you're not, you'll get eaten up alive by bitches tougher than you. That was the 'me-before', always pessimistic, spiteful and all things negative, but now, you gotta believe me when I say that I'm changing to be a better person. I wanted to live a good life, and it's kinda ironic to think that things kept on going wrong when I'm trying to do the right thing.

Is it too much to ask for a happy ending now? I mean, after all these years of hate, and rage, I'm finally coming clean. Am I too late? I hope not, I don't want to be...

Flashbacks; Slam 2010

2010-04-18T18:46:00.000-07:00

04-17-2010 Saturday

I walked this same road, crossed the same street, the ambiance, the people mostly wearing black, the 7-11 store in the corner--everything is just as it is the year before now. Can you imagine the magic of this one particular day that happens once a year? For me, it has always been not only a gig but a sacred ritual that you really have to attend to, but now, it has a lot more meaning to it and it only became closer to my heart than any other event.

For this is the event where, exactly a year before, I met my Alex. Had I not been here before, I would've never found him. I was getting pretty nostalgic as I walk alone, looking at things that has always been there but in this moment, every little thing seem to look meaningful to me.

The overpass for example. I crossed the overpass like I did a dozen times already but as I walk in it alone, I was taken back to the year before when I walked in it with someone else, the person who eventually led me to meet Alex. The old cigarette vendor sitting outside Jolibee, is still there, selling cigarettes to the people in black and in different weird outfits. The 7-11 in the corner, where I met Alex is still there and as I walked towards it, I had endless flashbacks in my head. Flashbacks of Alex in his maroon 'Bug Off!' vintage t-shirt and the way he smiled boyishly at me when we were introduced. I saw the image of him drinking a cheap gin and drowning it with cold Coke.

I knew I was smiling to myself as those memories flood and I let myself be taken away with it. I ignored the stares of the guys sitting on the side of the street as I walked past them, in a dreamlike stride. Some of them might've tried to get my attention but I was deep in a trance to even notice. I wore a slight make up. Smoky black eyeshadow, a red lipstick, a slightly tousled hair that barely touched the comb, and voila, I am a hottie and I can feel some eyes follow me. I barely paid attention, I'm concentrated in my moment of nostalgia.

More memories came as I reached the corner street where a line to the venue used to stretch long. However, today, there's no line or anything, just a scatter of people, comrades if I may call them, because we're all obviously here for one reason--to be part of a battle, to claim our rights to let loose and get wasted. 'Looks like I wouldn't have to wait in a long line this time' I thought to myself and it's a good thing since I don't wanna stand alone in a line.

I walked more slowly this time, looking at the half empty streetside, but I didn't see it as empty. I saw myself standing there, with 3 guys, one of them was Alex and we were talking and laughing and just starting to get to know each other. I looked at the other side of the street, I imagined the vendor of siomai standing there, and I saw myself buying and eating siomai with my new found friends. I remembered Alex talking to me, we were merely strangers at that time, I don't even feel anything special towards him, he's just someone I met, someone whom I thought I'd eventually forget.

When I reached the gate to the venue, I saw policemen and bouncers lined up to stay guard. Familiar faces, they were always there every fucking year to make sure everything is in peace and order. They have this tough look in their faces but I knew better, they have to look tough, part of the job of course. I smiled to them and entered the gates that will lead me to the Apocalypse. It has meant something else in the bible, but in this particular day, it means a ritual of getting overdosed with music and being with the people who enjoyed getting wasted as much as you do.

After the body inspection, I headed to the ticket booth, bought my ticket and seconds later, I was inside. The stadium is as it is every year. There were booths in every side, booths of sponsors; Red Horse, Pepsi, Pizza Hut, Smart Buddy and Tribal Gear, all lined up neatly. I texted my Pards who was there since the gates opened and told him I'm already inside, looking for him. It wasn't that hard to look for him, were always finding each other on our usual spot, at the right side of the stage, near the big white screen that serves as a monitor. I also texted Alex, letting him know I'll be lining up for the t-shirt. He has work until 6pm and he'll follow afterwards.

The line to the t-shirt was awfully long and it was a good thing Pards decided to stand in line with me even though he has bought his own shirt already. We talked loudly so we can hear each other amidst the bellowing rhythms of guitar and drums in the background. I was half talking to him and half scanning the crowd. The crowd, the brothers, the comrades all dressed for the event. There are the usual punks, the metal enthusiasts, (believe me you can tell it by the outfits and make-up) the not so appreciated emo (rolling of my eyes when I say that word), the kids in black who seem to know less about music but was there anyway, the people whose shirts scream the name of their favorite bands, the people whose shirts show the very first Slam they've attended (for the record, Summer Slam 2 shirt beat them all, even though Alex told me afterwards that he saw someone wearing Summer Slam 1, wow), the people in different costumes--there's a fireman, a guy in orange overalls (maybe he's trying to imitate Slipknot but apparently failed because he looked like a maintenance guy), a big guy in diapers, a goth, a black metal psycho, and uhh..a clown, complete with clown make up and hair.

Perhaps, the most memorable part of the night was when Testament played live for the first time in the fucking stage of this country. Testament, the legend, one of the pioneers of thrash metal of the early 80's, up there in the goddamn stage. I was in awe, it was surely a night to remember.

Alex arrived shortly after Testament's mind blowing performance. We were inseparable for the rest of the night. I greeted him a happy anniversary and he kept his arms around me the entire night, hoping to stop me from jumping up and down. I always forget that things are different now and I can't just go out there and mosh like what I used to do. Well, it's fine as long as I have Alex beside me.

When Lamb of God came onstage, the crowd was ecstatic and I shout along, singing the words out as they played an all time favorite, 'Laid to Rest'. I can only bang my head to the music 'till I felt dizzy. It was all in the spirit of fun. I avoided beer and cigarettes but the music is definitely more than enough to keep me high.

It's a carnival. It's an event. It's a concert. You can call it whatever you want to but for me, I consider it as an annual ritual and I know that for the people who has been there every year since it started, without fail, will agree with me. It is something that makes our world stop for just one entire night of fun, music and overflowing cups of beer. It is a night when everyone is united by music. People from everywhere all gather to one place to celebrate music.

Forget about the fucking problems, forget about the fact that most of the time we are misunderstood, forget about the odd looks and shaking heads from the grown up people as they see us passing by, because if they don't know it yet, we simply don't give a fuck.

NO LEAVE!?!??!

2010-04-18T18:45:00.000-07:00

04-16-2010 Friday

I am greatly disappointed again! I filed a leave a month before and when I checked my schedule for next week, behold, my leaves weren't approved AGAIN! As far as I can remember, the minimum time to file a leave is like, 2 weeks before the leave date and now, when I check the reason why my leave was denied, it simply say [deadline not met], to think that I filed it a fucking month before?! Unbelievable.

The only thing that I can think of is that they don't prioritize the leave of the tenure agents anymore because they need us to take more calls every freaking day. Well, what can be more logical than that? They value the newbies more than they value us so I wouldn't be surprised if it's so hard for them to approve one lousy leave from a tenure rep.

I thought things are gonna get better this month, because the newbies are finally getting the same amount of calls that we do but the thing is, we still feel less valued. Which makes me think, what is the benefit of being a tenure employee in this company? Health benefits are the same as that of a new hire. The difference in the salary is not something really remarkable. The appraisal every year is P450, and sometimes I wonder if that's the right amount for appraisal, because I know people who has worked in a call center, and their salary increased a helluva lot more than 500 bucks for sure as they spend more years with their company. The promotion here is something political. You don't get promoted just because you have done an excellent job or because they feel like you deserve it, you get promoted if you're 'friends' with the best of them.

I know I'm boring y'all with my rants and you can tell it to my face that if I hate this company, then I better pack up my good ass and leave. Hell, I'll do that, after I've done enough damage with my words. Actually, the company is fairly ok, but it's the department, the Sales account that I'm in that really stinks so bad and the other agents and even managers that have resigned can testify to this.

I'm sick and tired with the way they're treating us. With the impossible goals they put up it's like they don't want you to get your hard earned commission. They get all the money, you do all the hardwork. Where's the equality in this world, folks? NCO, I'll miss this company greatly. Sprint Outbound, my very first sales account is a good one as well. But Sprint Inbound? Damn, when you find yourself in this account, then it's similar to getting a shotgun and shooting your damn head with it. To be with Sprint Inbound means to jump into a pit of fire. It's hell.

Right now, I'm applying for other jobs and I've been called by several companies but the thing is, they wouldn't approve a goddamn leave that I've filed so how the fuck can I attend to my interviews? Shit. I'm trying to find a way to get away and they wouldn't let me? Shit shit shit. I want something else. I want a company that will care about the fact that you've been with them for years now.

I have to figure out a way to attend to my interviews, maybe do it all at once during my day off? Nah. I'd be too exhausted for that, wouldn't I? Besides, not all company are doing a one day process. How I wish.

No leave huh? You want to see and hear my disapproval every freaking day? Sure, we'll see about that.

Letter to My Beloved

2010-04-18T18:43:00.000-07:00

04-13-2010 Tuesday

'I love you', the more I say it to you, please remember that it meant something deeper than the last time I've said it. I'm sorry I can't help loving you too much. You're like a drug that I'm addicted to, a pill to cure my insanity and I hold on to you for a life support.

I look back at my life, a year before today and I barely remember what I was like before you came into my life. It's like the 'me' before being 'with you' never even existed in this lifetime. You used to tell me before that I changed you, but little did you know that you did the same thing for me. You changed me in ways I could never imagine possible.

For one, I never get serious about anything or anyone, and if I do, it didn't last long. I try too hard to look for perfection and when I see some minor faults, I dump them, move on to another relationship and the cycle starts over. I thought I knew how to love, I thought it was them who don't appreciate me, I was wrong, I was just someone who's hard to please and has a heart of stone.

My so-called love before was selfish and impatient. I was also like that with you when we were just starting out but with your never ending patience with me, you eventually taught me how to be selfless, to think of others, and to be more patient in waiting for the things that I wanted to get or achieve. I loved you more for that.

The road we took wasn't easy, it has been a hell of a bumpy ride and I must admit, I've dealt with a lot of emotions throughout the course of our relationship. Emotions that I never thought I could feel in a million years. I don't feel like myself at all but at the same time, I feel like I'm actually just starting to get to know myself better because of you.

Love love, I know I've never been the most perfect girl that you deserve to have and I know that most of our arguments are results of my narrow-mindedness. I remember those times when I was careless with my words, it didn't really sink in to me then that I was hurting you already. For that, I am so sorry.

During one of the worst fights we've had when I broke up with you, you've told me that you loved me less compared before and I was hurt but seriously, I can't really blame you. You've always been the mature one, you always forgive my mistakes, you ignore the hurtful words I've said. Again, I am so sorry.

I'm trying to change, for real. If I need to be better to be more deserving for you, I will. This is the kind of love that's meant to be kept. This is the kind of love that comes once in a lifetime [insert: Imagine Love of a Lifetime by Firehouse playing on this part, yeah let's be disgustingly cheesy..] and I know that if I let it go, it might not come back again.

This is the kind of love most people dream about...and it's mine to keep.

Smoldering Hot

2010-04-18T18:42:00.000-07:00

04-12-2010 Monday

When I opened my eyes, it was still dark outside. I checked my cellphone and the digital clock on it told me it was only 4 in the morning. I never wake up late these days. I always wake up too early that's why I get a really bad headache in the morning. I tried going back to sleep but it was useless. The pain returns along with my consciousness.

I can't help but stare at the empty space beside me on the bed, the space that was usually occupied by Alex whenever he would stay for the night. I swear I can even smell him in the pillow where he always lay his head on. Realizing how empty I felt, the sadness comes creeping back and I ask myself if I really mattered to him. No messages on my cellphone. He could at least have told me why he couldn't come.

I lie in bed for another hour or so, and when I noticed the sun's rays entering the room, I thought it was already 7 in the morning. Well, it wasn't. Summer is so darn hot in this country that even at 6 in the morning, the sun is almost halfway up the sky. Knowing I'll never be able to sleep, I dragged my feet to the kitchen and prepared oatmeal for breakfast.

As always, I seem to watch how time passes by while I stay rooted in one particular spot, unable to move along with the time. It's another hot boring day and I have no plans on avoiding this boring thing. If he doesn't care about me, I'm fine with it, I don't care about myself either.

When will this freaking summer end? It's too damn hot that even if you're just in the comforts of your home, you sweat in every pore of your body. That's how hot it is these days. I miss the rainy days. Gloomy, dark, cold, that's what I needed and now here's what I got; A smoldering hot weather.

Not enough sleep. Day off. Hot as hell afternoon. Welcome to my boring day, folks. If this continues on, I might as well die.

Endless Wait

2010-04-11T17:53:00.000-07:00

04-11-2010 Sunday

Waiting for my love is like waiting for the rain to fall in this hot summer drought. I wait, I listen, look for signs of a raindrop, and yet, nothing. Disappointing and painful.

I waited all day and night. Longing and in pain. When he said he would, I half believe him. When he break a promise, I am shattered. He could've communicated, just to let me know what he's up to and why he's not able to come. We get to see each other less and I miss him so bad. Even though he spent two days and nights at home with me, it still wasn't enough, I need to see him every single day, to be with him. What part of it could he not understand?

But I keep it all to myself, afraid that he would not like me nagging him about it, since I promised him I would change to be a better person, a more understanding girlfriend for him. God knows I'm trying but I wish it's not this painful. I wish I could find something else to do besides worrying myself and missing him.

I've been avoiding depression, I have to, for my own well being and for the life that I have to take care of. Yet, it's really hard when I feel like I'm in this alone, when he's not around and when I see my family in pain as well. My mom is still sick and my gramma watches over her, I hear them everyday when I pretend to sleep. The two of them, dealing with my mom's illness together. They probably know I still have this unresolved problem so they don't let me know about their own pain.

Me and my family, a portrait of individual sacrifices. When will this end? I will never ask to be rich or famous or anything like that, all I wanted to ask for is a happy life with the ones I love. It certainly takes a lot to be a happy. Sometimes, happiness could be elusive. You search for it, you try to grasp it and when you do, it just slips into your fingers like loose sand and it takes forever to get it back.

Still I wait. Maybe he will still come. I sleep for an hour or so then I would wake up, glancing at the glow in the dark hands of the clock against the wall. Time passes by but I feel like I'm not moving with it. I'm stuck in one spot, waiting endlessly for him to finally come and be with me. He didn't.

I wanted to cry, but I was too tired to even think about crying. My mind, body, every little part of me is exhausted, I swear this feeling is close to dying. I felt like a withered flower, dead, useless and unpretty. If this is death, then I can accept it. If it means my pain will end, then please do me a favor and take me with you. Yes, you, my dear beloved Death in black hooded robe.

I closed my eyes. I want them closed forever. I never want to wake up again. I'm sorry I tried but maybe it wasn't enough...

Wrong Deeds

2010-04-11T04:56:00.000-07:00

04-10-2010 Saturday

Why is it that I still feel like I'm not doing the right thing no matter how hard I try to correct the mistakes I've made? There's still something wrong, something that can't be corrected, like a stubborn spot of mess on a clean linen cloth that wouldn't disappear despite of scrubbing it so many darn times. That small spot, so irritating to look at, makes things less perfect. I hate dealing with the wrong things, the dark entity that follows me wherever I go, it simply wouldn't allow me to do things right.

I hate to think that this mistake that I got into has no way out, no I'm not looking at that possibility, not even thinking that there's such a thing as not being able to start over and live a new life on the right track. I'm still hopeful and positive, I have to, I still have faith. When I see how it affects my family, it makes me realize how being rebellious is not gonna get me what I wanted, because I never wanted those things afterall. Merely addictions, vices, wrong deeds and I never realized how wrong I was until I'm almost in the bottom of another blackhole.

With everything that I'm going through right now, I know what I really wanted and it's so simple I wonder why I never knew about it sooner. I want a life in peace. I want simple happiness. I realized certain things: *Money is a neccesity but it doesn't define the life you live. *House is just a house but what I really need is a home. *Success is not just measured by your career, or your position in a company, but it's also about being content with what you already have that you couldn't ask for more. *Family- no matter how much you think you hate them because you feel like they don't understand you, in the end, you'll realize that they're all you got, they DO understand and you don't hate them, but you actually hate yourself. And most importantly, when you rebel too much against certain things, you're not doing yourself a favor, you're just getting into trouble, you proved nothing, you've done nothing and the real truth is, you become nothing.

Like what I've admitted in a previous post, I've come to realize that being good is, well, uhh, in fact good. You can't always be like what you used to be when you were a teen and you think that being a rebel and going against the rules will make you look independent enough to survive the cruel realities of life. As a matter of fact, all you need is faith, a good, brave heart that knows how to love the person that loves you back, and wisdom to be able to see the fine line that separates the good and the bad.

Life is a picture that our mind creates. It's something we define ourselves. It's up to us if we see it as a beautiful picture of paradise or a disappointing masterpiece of disaster. They say life is what we make it and I couldn't agree more to that. I made my life like this with the decisions and choices I've made. There are always options laid out in front of me, and it's up to me to choose which way to go and I ended up here, so I really have no one to blame but myself. It's just bad that my family also has to suffer the consequences of my wrong decisions.

There are still some things to be thankful about, of course. My family never left me, they assured me that they will stay by my side in everything that I'm going through and it makes me appreciate them even more. I need them now to help me get through this, God knows I can't do it alone, I'm just pretending that I can but the truth is, I feel so weak inside and there are times when I've thought of giving up, of just fading away but I love this little family I have that I can't bear the thought of hurting them even more if I decide to end this life that I've been given.

I have to win this. I'm sorry I was such a terrible daughter, but now that I want to change, all I'm praying for is that it's not yet too late.

One Tiring Day

2010-04-11T04:53:00.000-07:00

04-07-2010 Friday

>8 hour graveyard shift
>>3 hour MS Excel Training Level 2
>>>Alex picking me up after the training
>>>>Doctor's appointment

I'm trying to avoid hectic schedules such as this one, especially when it's not my day off. It consumes time and lots of effort if you add the fact that summer is so damn hot that being outside for only a few minutes is enough to make you feel like you're being roasted alive, it's THAT hot here these days, I swear I miss the stormy weather.

Everything's planned and I have no choice but to comply to this given schedule, besides I'm the one who signed up for the Excel training, it just so happened that the doctor's appointment is also scheduled today. Oh well, at least I have Alex to accompany me throughout this crazy schedule.

The 3 hour training on Microsoft Excel gave my brain cells a big whack, matter of fact, after the training, I seriously felt my forehead throbbing, it's like my brain has been overloaded with informations. I did attend level 1 training, and this level 2 is many notches harder than the 1st level but I am eager to learn and besides, this will also look good in my resume when I try to apply for something else which is something I'm planning to do sooner after I took care of some personal priorities.

The training ended a few minutes after 9 in the morning and I rushed to the Ground floor, eager to see Alex since it has been awhile since he last pick me up from work. It reminded me of the times before when we still have the good 'ol red Alpha and he would always pick me up in the afternoon, eventhough it was always hot during the ride home, I still miss the feeling of holding on to his warmth as we speed away. Sorry, I know some cheesy part should be edited.

It was so irritating to think that even at 10:00 in the freaking morning, the sun is so high up that I was sweating my ass off as I ride behind him in his Mio motorcycle. He went completely out of our usual way to avoid checkpoints since his motorcycle is not yet registered. I'm fine with it, as long as I stay with him. Aside from going out of the way, he kept on stopping on every motorcycle shop, chatting with mechanics while I stayed on the motorcycle, feeling like I was gonna hyperventilate from too much heat at any second.

I let him do his thing, waiting patiently, until we stopped in a certain shop and a mechanic handed him a pair of side mirror and I watched quietly as they attached those on his Mio. After they were done, he asked me if I'm okay and he said we can go home now, I breathed a sigh of relief and clung to him.

We arrived at the house at around 12 in the afternoon. Great, I have 2 hours to get some sleep before we go to the doctor at 2:00. We had lunch, I brushed my teeth and washed my face. Alex cleaned his beloved black Mio, he's so vain about his motorcycle, that I sometimes roll my eyes at how he takes care of it like a baby. Well, pretty soon, he'll be taking care of a real one.

I lie on the bed and asked him to lie down beside me once he's done and I'll just set the alarm at 2:00 so we can go to the doctor. I was half asleep when I felt him beside me, I wanted to hug him but it was a goddamn hot afternoon and I felt sticky with sweat so I settled with holding on to his arm and went back to sleep.

The alarm buzzed at exactly 2 and I woke up feeling lightheaded, well I have a 2 hour sleep what do you expect? We went to the hospital and the busy doctor is not yet around, she wouldn't be around till 4. We have no choice but wait since I don't have any other time to reschedule the appointment.

Alex was impatient but I appreciate him coming with me. I see his concern again and I can feel that things are starting to come back to normal, only one thing's missing and I'm still praying for that. I was called at around 6:30 and we were home at around 7pm, exhausted and hungry.

I thought he's not gonna stay for the night but I was glad when I saw him park his motorcycle inside the gate then, he went inside the house, took his shirt off and went to the bathroom to wash his face.

I wanted to stay up all night and talk to him since he was making jokes and we were laughing while watching TV on the bed but I was too consumed for the day that's why I didn't notice that I've fallen asleep while he was talking. He knew I was tired so he didn't bother waking me up, off to dreamland I went and in my sub conscious mind, I felt him slip his arm around my waist. Sweet dreams. Remind me to edit the cheesy parts again. Lull-a-bye for now.

A Life Full of Drama

2010-04-08T04:36:00.000-07:00

04-06-2010 Tuesday

Don't be surprised if I was not able to update for the first few days of April, it's just that I've been too preoccupied with things that bother me for months now. I didn't think everything will be as complicated as this, err ok, maybe I didn't expect the worse when I SHOULD HAVE, afterall, I got myself into this mess and I have to find a way to get out of it without having to hurt the people that care about me.

I think that's the hardest part; to avoid hurting people that loves me, because I realized, I started hurting them the moment I commit those mistakes and now that I'm trying to correct my mistakes, there seemed to be no way to retrace my steps without stepping on the same ground, the same exact grounds that has caused pain to everyone concerned.

I'm in a much bigger mess than I thought. I should've foreseen this things before it even got worse but I may be too blind to see it all or I was too caught up in what was happening that I forgot about the effect of my actions. Why did I let myself get involve in something like this? I'm not yet ready for all of it, I'm just pretending that I am, thinking that it's the same as acceptance.

Geez. Seriously, I'm too tired with all the drama. I'm starting to envy people with blogs about how they rave about their fave bands, how they dye their hair from brown to red to black to brown again, how they feel like they're the most unfortunate people just because they don't like their look in the mirror first thing in the morning, how they complain about the simplest things under the sun and yet here I am, stressing about a problem way too hard for me to even understand what it's about. Isn't it weird how some people have a fucking easy life and yet they still find something to complain about?

I really don't know what else is making me hold on. I'm hurting my family that cares about me, my gramma has me and my mom to worry about and I feel terribly sorry because I know how hard it is for her, my mom just got out of the rehab and she's not that emotionally stable yet and this is what I'm giving her--Headache, lots of it.

If I could end everything now, I definitely would, getting away sounds inviting, getting away for good. Since I can't do it on my own, I think I may need someone to put me out of my misery, like what they do to hopeless animals that are an inch away from the death hole. Now I know how people feel before they decide to end their life, they feel as if nothing mattered, they feel trapped inside a bottomless pit and the only way out is to die alone. Loneliness could really kill and it's the most painful way to go.

I've tried to deal with this alone but I can't hide everything without my family worrying about me so as much as I don't want them to be involved, they are attached to me, we're all glued together as a family bounded by blood. It's a good thing, but in times of misery like this one, it's traumatic for me to see them go through the same pain that I'm dealing with.

Depression is swallowing me and I'm afraid that I've let it become a part of myself. I used to say that I'm a toughie, that I can overcome anything that comes my way, I made a promise to myself that I will not let one hardship or huge misfortune crush me. I told myself that I'll be strong no matter what. Well, it's hard to hang on to the words you're saying if everything is working against you.

I'm dying. It's not just a feeling, it's a reality.

Truth, Faith and Challenges

2010-03-29T17:12:00.001-07:00

03-28-2010 Sunday

Now that everyone in the family knew about it, I feel more comfortable at home knowing that they both knew what I'm going through. I also felt better after my mom talked to Alex and asked him what his plans are. Even though I can feel that Alex is still half undecided, I know it makes a difference once he was able to talk to my mom. He likes mothers, he is close to his mother and he wouldn't do anything that will hurt one.

He came around 5 in the afternoon. It somehow helped that I texted his boss last night, I told his boss I need him to be at our house before evening, sort of emergency reasons and I'm glad that the people I wasn't expecting to help were actually there to help out. His boss even texted me to make sure that Alex arrived at our house in time. With that, I need to delete his name on my Hate List, time to love and appreciate people that deserves it.

If you remember, I used to hate his boss because he seemed to always go to places and ask Alex to drive him around. I thought he's such a heartless rich old man but I finally saw the good side of him today and I feel better to have his name added on my NFF-Uhh new found friend. Haha.

Kidding aside, now that they all know about it, it doesn't mean that the problem has ended, matter of fact, everything will start to get harder from now on. I feel like we're racing against time, I have to count the days down that I have left before I can finally say if my happy ending will come true. I talked to Alex and he gave me the assurance that he won't leave me, but he simply doesn't want to convert to our religion.

I begged him to give it a try. I even dared him to bring a Catholic bible, any type of bible and ask all questions and if there is only ONE, ONE question he has that's not answered, or ONE verse in the bible that will state about our religion being the wrong kind, then he can quit from even trying. That's how strong my faith is and that's how much I believe that I'm doing this to save him.

He said he knew that all his questions will be answered and I said of course, it will be, so what makes it difficult for him to try? I told him it may be a long and hard road but as long as we're together, I know we can make it. I'm willing to help him. He asked me what if after he listened and everything, he still decided he doesn't want to convert? I have no answer for that because I've been praying for him and I believe I will not fail. I told him I believe that he is smart, he'll know what to do, he'll know what to believe in once he has listened to what we are teaching.

He said it seems like everything is in favor of me and I told him it's not, it's actually in favor of you. This is a challenge of faith and love. I have to win, I have to win for him and for my family to not be hurt by my mistakes. I owe this to them, I need to make this right that's why I'm fighting. I'm holding on to my God, and He never failed, not even once.

After the talk we've had, we ate dinner and watched TV. In a few minutes, I heard him snoring in my bed. My mom asked me if Alex will stay for the night and I told her I wasn't sure, I'll let him sleep for awhile because he looked awfully tired. By 9:30, I softly woke him up and told him it's getting late. I thought he's gonna leave but I was relieved when he parked his motorcycle inside, closed our front gate and went back inside our house. The moment his head hit the pillow, he was fast asleep again and I lie down next to him, prayed silently for everything to turn out right, then went to sleep.

Earth Hour and More Hate

2010-03-29T17:10:00.000-07:00

03-27-2010 Saturday

8:30PM

Supposedly, every lights should be turned off at this time as a way of taking a stand against climate change. It's a global action, that's what good 'ol wiki told me. Global action, saving the environment, giving an hour worth of our time to participate, to show that we care about our earth; these are all the messages being relayed to every individual during this so-called Earth hour.

Well, I do care about the earth, it just so happen that the company I work for obviously don't because as of this time, here we are, lights on, taking goddamn calls. Oops, wait what I mean to say is, we-TENURE reps are taking all the goddamn calls while the new reps are almost falling asleep in their station because the management's fucked up strategy continues to kill the tenure agents with tons of worthless calls. I'm sorry, I know it's too early to get mad but I can't help it, especially when your jaws are getting dislocated from talking while the new agent sitting beside you is doing nothing but stare at you as the beloved company cuts your throat.

I hope everyone who has the freedom tonight will participate in this Earth Hour because as much as I would like to become a part of it, I simply can't. This company cared more about making money, that's it, let the earth suffer as long as they get their money.

I'm waiting for March to end, hoping that they will change their goddamn strategy by April. If this continues on, I can no longer wait for my anniversary this May, I'll probably shove a lengthy resignation letter of hate on their greedy faces and be done with it. I will no longer allow myself to do all the hard work while I get paid the same amount of money which is not even enough to repair a dislocated jaw or a damaged throat. The other tenure agents are feeling the same way and I doubt if they will also stay in this toxic company any longer.

No agent in a right state of mind will choose to stay with a company that kills their employees who have been with them the longest. It's disappointing for me to think that I've loved this company for almost three years now and I've been given nothing but this-to get all the calls and get paid the same.

The higher management doesn't give a fuck to their tenure agents, instead of taking care of us as we age in the company, we've been taken for granted. I don't know when they will wake up, hopefully, sooner..before all of us are gone, before it's too late to undo their screw ups.